The Marx Brothers Page
Hosted by
Get your own
Free Home Page.
A NIGHT IN ELSINORE
A parody of William Shakespeare's HAMLET
Committed by Richard Nathan
(Converted to HTML by John Benz Fentner, Jr., using HTML Assistant Pro
And posted by permission of the author.)
ACT I
Scene I
Scene I takes place on a platform in front of
Elsinore Castle. FRANCISCO is on duty. Enter
BERNARDO.
BERNARDO
Who's there?
FRANCISCO
Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold
yourself.
BERNARDO
Long live the King!
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
I am he.
FRANCISCO
You come most carefully upon your
hour.
BERNARDO
'Tis now struck twelve.
Off stage, there is the sound of someone
approaching.
FRANCISCO
Who is there? Stand ho!
Enter HORATIO, who is dressed rather shabbily and
who speaks with an unusual Italian accent. He is
more an antique Roman than a Dane.
HORATIO
That's right! You guessed it.
BERNARDO
What's right? Guessed what?
HORATIO
You said, "Stand Ho!" That's me!
Ho!
BERNARDO
Ho! Ho who?
HORATIO
Gezundheit!
FRANCISCO
Why, 'tis good Horatio! How dost
thou, Horatio?
HORATIO
I don't do much dusting anymore.
I'm a guard now. I guard the
castle gate, and I do a pretty good
job too.
FRANCISCO
Really?
HORATIO
Sure. It's still there.
BERNARDO
Has the apparition appeared again
tonight?
FRANCISCO
I have seen nothing.
BERNARDO
Horatio, do you know ought of the
Ghost?
HORATIO
Well, I ought to. Hey, that's some
funny joke, eh?
BERNARDO
Come, come, Horatio. Do you know
anything of ghosts?
HORATIO
Sure, I knew an old ghost once.
But that was a long, long time ago.
He's probably dead by now.
FRANCISCO
Look! It comes again! The ghost
of our late King Hamlet!
Enter the GHOST, a bright-eyed imp who happens to
be mute.
BERNARDO
There is the apparition!
HORATIO
I don't believe it.
The Ghost and Horatio joyously embrace.
BERNARDO
Stay illusion! If thou hast any
sound or use of voice, speak to me!
The Ghost honks a horn.
FRANCISCO
Question it, Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Ghost, how ya doing?
The Ghost does a melodramatic death scene.
HORATIO
You're dead, huh? Gee, that's too
bad.
The Ghost sits up and nods his head "yes."
FRANCISCO
Ask him about the war!
HORATIO
What war?
FRANCISCO
Ask him if we should go to war with
young Fortinbras!
HORATIO
Hey, Ghost, should we go to war
with Fortinbras?
The Ghost shakes his head "no." He hold up ten
fingers, and then three fingers.
HORATIO
No. He says Fortinbras is too
many. He thinks we should go to
war with thirteen-bras.
The Ghost slaps his knee and goes into fits of
silent laughter.
FRANCISCO
No, no! You remember, young
Fortinbras is the son of old
Fortinbras, who was King of Norway,
until our late King Hamlet killed
him and took most of the Norwegian
lands.
The Ghost mocks Francisco's overly-serious manner,
and makes faces at him. Suddenly he looks
offstage and panics.
HORATIO
What's the matter?
The Ghost starts to run offstage, but Horatio
blocks his way.
HORATIO
Where you going? What're you
doing?
The Ghost whistles and points to the horizon.
HORATIO
What do you mean? I don't get it.
The Ghost decides to explain in pantomime. The
Ghost points down.
HORATIO
Down?
The Ghost whistles and nods enthusiastically.
Then the Ghost mimes picking up something and
raising it.
HORATIO
What? Down is up? You're crazy!
How can down be up?
The Ghost shakes his head "no." He holds out a
hand to signal that he wants to start again.
HORATIO
Okay. We start again.
The Ghost mimes putting a cigar into his mouth,
and then loping across the stage while raising and
lowering his eyebrows.
HORATIO
Wait a minute! I think I seen that
guy before. Let me think ... I
know! That's the man who comes to
fix the sink!
The Ghost shakes his head "no."
HORATIO
No? Who is it?
The Ghost mimes holding a baby in his arms, acting
like a father.
HORATIO
It's your son? It's Prince Hamlet?
The one you named after yourself?
Funny, he looks just like the man
who comes to fix the sink.
The Ghost threatens to hit Horatio.
HORATIO
OK. Hamlet. He's your son. Your
son!
The Ghost mimes proudly holding the baby in his
arms. Then he mimes lifting the baby up.
HORATIO
He's going up? Hamlet's going up?
The Ghost shakes his head "no," and then holds out
his hand to signal that he wants to try again.
HORATIO
OK. We try again.
The Ghost again mimes Hamlet loping across the
stage. Then, as Hamlet, he starts silently
weeping and crying.
HORATIO
Hamlet. He's sad. He's crying.
Why's he crying?
The Ghost points to himself and does his death
scene again. Then he goes back to Hamlet crying,
and pointing to where he died.
HORATIO
He cries because you're dead. He's
in mourning.
As soon as Horatio says, "mourning," the Ghost
starts joyfully jumping up and down and nodding
"yes."
HORATIO
That's it!!! Mourning! It's
morning ...
The Ghost again mimes lifting the baby.
HORATIO
. . . and something's going up.
The sun is coming up! It's
morning, dawn, and the sun is
coming up, so you've got to leave
now. OK, I understand. Good-bye,
Ghost. I'll be seeing you. Good-
bye.
The Ghost exits, waving good-bye and blowing
kisses.
HORATIO
Hey, he's a nice ghost.
FRANCISCO
Come. Let us impart what we have
seen tonight to young Prince
Hamlet.
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a room in Elsinore Castle.
Flourish. Enter the KING, the QUEEN, HAMLET (who
has his back to the audience), POLONIUS, LAERTES,
and OPHELIA. The King is a slightly overweight
man with a beard and a middle-European accent.
His name is Claudius. Gertrude, the Queen, is a
stately dowager-type. Polonius is a foolish old
man. Ophelia is an attractive blonde who is very
clever and very ambitious. Laertes is a young
man, excitable, but not very bright. In the
original production of this play, he was played in
a style resembling Daffy Duck (including the
lisp), and it worked.
KING
Though yet of Hamlet our dear
brother's death the memory be
green, and it befitted us to bear
our hearts in grief, and our whole
kingdom to be contracted in one
brow of woe, it's time we faced the
fact the old king's dead, and I
must run the kingdom. I thank you
all for your condolences on the
death of my brother, the late King,
as I thank you for your good wishes
on my marriage to his widow, the
Queen. Now then, on to our royal
business. Young Fortinbras has
demanded that we surrender the
lands lost by his father. I have
sent word to the aged king of
Norway, ordering him to bring young
Fortinbras into line! Not one
patch of land shall we give up!
The King looks around the room. Everyone except
Hamlet looks pleased. The King looks at Laertes.
KING
Now, good Laertes, did you have
something you wished to ask of me?
LAERTES
Yes, Sire, your leave and favor to
return to France.
KING
Ahh, France, eh? I'm told that
France is a lovely country, and I
hear they make most excellent wines
there. Go. Enjoy yourself. And
be sure to send some postcards.
Now, my nephew Hamlet, my son, how
is it the clouds still hang on you?
Hamlet turns to face the audience, and we see his
face for the first time. Hamlet has a big, black
mustache that looks as if it might have been
painted on, and he smokes a cigar.
HAMLET
Nay, I am too much in the sun! Get
it? That's a joke. My real father
just died, and now I've got you for
a father, so I'm too much in the
sun! Boy, that Shakespeare sure
could write. I'd like to see
Francis Bacon pull off a joke like
that.
KING
Hmmmmm. Come, Hamlet, my son, how
is it the clouds still hang on you?
HAMLET
I don't know. Maybe it's because
you're reigning.
QUEEN
Good Hamlet, I know full well the
love you bore your father. But
cast thy nighted color off! If he
were here today, do you think your
father would want us to mourn on
and on, wearing the same customary
suit of solemn black, day in and
day out?
HAMLET
Well, he'd probably ask you to
change your socks.
QUEEN
Hamlet, . . .
HAMLET
In fact, that's still a pretty good
idea. And while you're at it,
change your husband.
QUEEN
Hamlet, I loved your dear, departed
father. No woman could have loved
him more.
HAMLET
Of course not! No other dame ever
had a chance, not with you watching
him like a hawk. And a fat lot of
good it did him, ... poor old Dad.
KING
Hamlet, it's unfortunate that your
father died, but fathers have a way
of doing that. My father died, and
his father died before him, and his
father died...
HAMLET
Yeah, but uncles go on forever.
Don't you?
KING
Hamlet, why don't you try to think
of me as your father?
HAMLET
OK, bury yourself six feet
underground, and I'll give it a
shot.
KING
Gertrude, we must do something
about this son of yours.
Exeunt all but Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh that this too, too solid flesh
would melt, or at least that they
would turn up the heat a little.
To think that it should come to
this! My father but two months
dead, and my mother married to this
satyr. I recall the day they wed.
It was a satyr-day. Heaven and
Earth, must I remember? My mother
has married my uncle, and turned me
into my own cousin. Frailty, thy
name is woman. And woman, thy name
is Frailty. My name is Hamlet, and
I'm ashamed to meet the both of
you.
Enter Horatio, Francisco and Bernardo. Horatio
consults with his friends.
HORATIO
Hey, is that him?
HAMLET
Horatio, -- or I do forget myself!
HORATIO
Well, I don't know. Who do you
think you are?
HAMLET
I'm Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.
HORATIO
Then you don't forget yourself...
not unless you're the man who comes
to fix the sink. Then you got a
problem.
HAMLET
This can't be anyone but Horatio.
Don't you remember me? We went to
school together!
HORATIO
Sure, I know you! You're Hamlet!
HAMLET
And you're Horatio! But I thought
you were still going to school in
Wittenberg.
HORATIO
No, I left there a long time ago.
I was too smart for them.
HAMLET
Oh really?
HORATIO
Yeah. All the professors said
they'd never be able to teach me
anything.
HAMLET
Horatio, something is rotten in the
state of Denmark, and I think it's
you.
HORATIO
That reminds me. I think I saw
your father's ghost last night!
HAMLET
What? Are you sure it was him?
Did you speak to him?
HORATIO
We spoke. But he wouldn't answer.
HAMLET
That sounds like Dad, all right.
Listen, boys, this is something I'm
going to have to see for myself.
Let's meet at the top of the castle
tonight.
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene III
Scene III takes place in a room in Polonius'
house. Enter Laertes and Ophelia.
LAERTES
My necessaries are embarked.
Farewell. And sister, do be wary
of the affections of Prince Hamlet.
Perhaps he does love you now, but
he is subject to his birth, and
therefore he must choose a royal
bride.
OPHELIA
Laertes, don't be such an ass! Use
your brain for once! Do you think
for one minute that Claudius is
going to let Hamlet marry a
princess?
LAERTES
Huh?
OPHELIA
Listen! Hamlet has a better claim
to the throne than his uncle
Claudius does, right? If Hamlet
marries into another royal family,
he'll gain powerful allies to help
him win the crown. You think
Claudius wants that? All I have to
do is convince the King that
Hamlet's been toying with my
affections, and I guarantee you
we'll be married before Hamlet
knows what's hit him. Then I'll
figure out some way to get rid of
Claudius, and I'll be Queen of
Denmark!
LAERTES
Sister, you're brilliant! But
look, here comes our father!
Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
Yet here, Laertes? My blessings
with thee! And take these few
precepts in thy memory: Be thou
familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
What's he gonna do in France if he
can't be vulgar? How's he gonna
fit in?
POLONIUS
Horatio, you're not supposed to be
here, are you?
HORATIO
No, but I got two more hours before
I'm supposed to go to a secret
meeting with Hamlet at the top of
the castle, so I got lots of time
to kill.
POLONIUS
I was just giving some advice to my
son.
HORATIO
That's OK. I'll add vice too. I
got lots of vice.
POLONIUS
Very well. Laertes, neither a
borrower nor a lender be . . .
HORATIO
That's a good idea. But you know
what? You're too late. Laertes
loaned me ten gold kroner this
morning.
POLONIUS
Then give it back to him!
HORATIO
I can't. Right after he gave me
the money, I put it down, and then
I lost it.
POLONIUS
You put it down and lost it???
HORATIO
Yeah, I put it down on a horse.
POLONIUS
This is terrible.
HORATIO
Yeah, now your son, he's a lender,
and what are we gonna do? Hey, I
got a great idea! You loan me ten
gold kroner, and then I'll pay
Laertes back, and then he won't be
a lender anymore.
POLONIUS
But if I lend you the money, then
I'll be a lender, and you'll still
be a borrower.
HORATIO
OK, I got a better idea. You don't
be a lender, I don't be a borrower.
You just give me the money. How's
that?
POLONIUS
I don't know about this.
HORATIO
You want your son to stay a lender
all his life?
Polonius reaches into his money bag and takes out
a gold coin.
POLONIUS
But all I've got is this twenty-
kroner piece. Have you got change
for that?
HORATIO
No, but I'll take it, just the
same.
Horatio pockets the twenty-kroner piece.
POLONIUS
At least you can now pay back to
Laertes the ten kroner you owe him.
HORATIO
Laertes, you got change for twenty
kroner?
LAERTES
No, I'm afraid not.
Horatio turns to Polonius.
HORATIO
Now we got another problem. I
can't give this coin to him. If I
give him the coin, he'll owe me
money. If he owes me money, then
he'll be a borrower. He can't be a
borrower if you just told him not
to be a borrower!
POLONIUS
But...
HORATIO
Hey, I just got another great idea.
Laertes, why don't you just say you
gave me the ten gold kroner? Then
you won't be a lender! You won't
be a borrower! You'll just be a
nice guy, like your father!
LAERTES
Sounds okay to me.
Ophelia, the only really smart one in the family,
is furious with Horatio. She scolds him, while
Polonius and Laertes try to figure out what's been
going on.
OPHELIA
Horatio, you're nothing but a
cheap, conniving crook!
HORATIO
Yeah, that's me.
OPHELIA
How can you be so dishonest?
HORATIO
One time I tried to be honest, but
then I said to myself, "Horatio, to
thine own self be true." So if
mine own self is a crook, that's
what I gotta do. Good-bye!
Horatio walks out with his twenty-kroner piece.
Ophelia glares at him. Laertes and Polonius are
still trying to puzzle out what happened to their
money. Exeunt Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius.
**************************************************
Scene IV
Scene IV takes place back on the platform in front
of Elsinore Castle, where Scene I took place.
Enter Hamlet, Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco.
HAMLET
The air bites shrewdly; it is very
cold. Say, are you fellows sure
this is where dear old Dad is going
to show up?
BERNARDO
The ghost has appeared at this very
spot three nights past, my lord,
then vanished before the sun came
up.
We hear the distant pounding of a kettledrum, and
a flourish of trumpets.
FRANCISCO
What does this mean, my lord?
HAMLET
That's the King. He has the
musicians play while he drinks. He
doesn't like to drink alone, so he
has them play eight to the bar.
You see, the King likes to take a
drink before he goes to bed at
night. Then he likes to take a
drink when he's in bed, especially
if the Queen is still awake. Then
the Queen throws him out of bed, so
he has to take another drink. Then
he's ready to throw the Queen out
of bed, which calls for another
drink. Every time he takes a
drink, he has the musicians bang
the kettledrum. As soon as the
King is as tight as the drum, he
knows it's time to fall asleep.
HORATIO
Hey, that sounds like a pretty good
job. You think I could be a king?
HAMLET
Well, would you be willing to marry
your brother's wife? Do you think
you could do that?
Horatio thinks this over.
HORATIO
I don't know.
HAMLET
Well, come on. Do you want to be
king, or don't you?
HORATIO
If I marry the wife, do I get his
mistress too?
HAMLET
That's not strictly required. It's
not really part of the job. But
I'm sure we could work something
out.
HORATIO
Is she pretty?
HAMLET
The wife or the mistress?
HORATIO
Yes!
HAMLET
You'll have to take that up with
your brother.
HORATIO
Hey, I just remembered! I haven't
got a brother!
HAMLET
Then you'll have to take that up
with your parents. You do have
parents, don't you? Otherwise,
you'll just have to take it up with
your grandparents.
HORATIO
I've got a great idea! Why don't I
just take your wife?
HAMLET
My wife? I'm not even married!
HORATIO
That's all right. I can wait.
BERNARDO
Look my lord, it comes!
The Ghost enters, and is overjoyed to see Hamlet.
The Ghost claps his hands and runs to embrace his
son.
HAMLET
Dad!
As the Ghost embraces Hamlet, the Ghost sticks his
hands into the pockets of Hamlet's coat, pulls out
an apple, and starts to eat it.
HAMLET
Gee, it's nice to see you, Dad.
The Ghost nods happily, enjoying the apple. Then
the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him.
HAMLET
I think you boys better go. I
think he wants to be alone with his
son.
HORATIO
All right.
Exeunt Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco. Again,
the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him.
HAMLET
OK, I'll follow you.
Exeunt the Ghost and Hamlet.
**************************************************
Scene V
Scene V takes place on another part of the
platform. Enter the Ghost and Hamlet.
HAMLET
Where wilt thou lead me? I'll go
no further.
The Ghost shrugs, and stops.
HAMLET
So, Dad, what's new?
The Ghost points to the apple core, grins, and
gestures that he'd like something else to eat.
HAMLET
I'm sorry, I don't have any more
apples.
The Ghost makes a horrible disgusted face and
turns away from Hamlet.
HAMLET
Gee, if I'd only known, I...
The Ghost makes a disparaging wave of his arms at
Hamlet, and makes another horrible face.
HAMLET
Dad, isn't there something you
wanted to tell me?
The Ghost suddenly remembers! He claps his hands
and sits Hamlet down, and indicates that Hamlet
should watch him.
HAMLET
Oh. OK. You're going to tell me a
story.
The Ghost nods his head happily. Then he reaches
into his coat and pulls out a little pillow. He
puts the pillow down on the floor and mimes going
to sleep with his head on the pillow. Hamlet
waits for a minute, watching the Ghost sleep.
HAMLET
Say, I thought Ghost stories were
supposed to keep you awake.
The Ghost puts his fingers to his lips to indicate
that Hamlet should be quiet, while he's sleeping.
HAMLET
OK, you're sleeping. Where are you
sleeping?
The Ghost, still pretending to be asleep, holds up
his hand, with the back of his hand facing the
audience. Then he pushes up the apple core to the
top of his fingers, and mimes plucking an apple.
HAMLET
Oh, you're asleep in the apple
orchard. I remember, you liked to
sleep there!
The Ghost nods "yes."
HAMLET
What happens next?
The Ghost stands up, takes the pillow and puts it
under his shirt. He pretends to be fat. Then he
pulls at an imaginary beard.
HAMLET
A fat man... a fat man with a
beard...
The Ghost makes an ugly face and mimes yelling and
being angry.
HAMLET
A fat, nasty man with a beard!
Your brother Claudius!
The Ghost nods "yes." Then he goes back to
putting on the nasty, evil face of Claudius. He
stomps around the stage, pulling on his beard.
HAMLET
What does he do?
The Ghost, pretending to be Claudius, notices the
apple core lying on the stage. He picks it up,
sees that it's been eaten, and brutishly throws it
away. He looks around the stage, and then looks
in surprise at the spot where the Ghost was
sleeping. The Ghost whips out the pillow, and
resumes sleeping at that spot.
HAMLET
OK, Claudius found you sleeping.
What happened next?
The Ghost jumps up, puts the pillow back in under
his shirt, and pretends to be Claudius. He
reaches into his coat, and pulls out a bottle of
poison. Then he reaches into his coat with his
other hand and pulls out a funnel. He walks over
to where the Ghost has been sleeping, and mimes
putting the funnel into the sleeping man's ear,
and he pours the contents of the bottle into the
funnel. Then the Ghost whips out the pillow and
becomes himself sleeping, with the funnel in his
ear, and the poison being poured into it. The
Ghost wakes up and dies horribly.
HAMLET
Oh no! Murder! Foul and unnatural
murder! Claudius poured poison
into your ear and killed you!!! Oh
murder most foul!!!
The Ghost sits up and nods his head in agreement.
HAMLET
Oh horrible! Oh, horrible, most
horrible! ... Well, what do you
want me to do about it?
The Ghost mimes hitting, kicking, choking, and
jumping up and down on someone.
HAMLET
You want me to take revenge on
Claudius?
The Ghost nods "yes."
HAMLET
Well, that sounds fair enough.
What about Mom?
The Ghost shakes his head "no." He reaches into
his coat and takes out a poster-sized picture of
the Queen. He kisses the picture and looks coy.
HAMLET
Not Mom. You still love Mom. Aww,
that's sweet. It's crazy, but it's
sweet. Maybe you should have your
head examined, or at least your
eyes.
The Ghost clutches the picture of the Queen to his
chest, and looks threateningly at Hamlet.
HAMLET
OK! Don't worry. I won't hurt
Mom. Just Claudius.
The Ghost shakes Hamlet's hand and pats him on the
back. Then the Ghost proceeds to put the picture,
the pillow, the bottle and the funnel back into
his coat.
HAMLET
You have to go so soon?
The Ghost points to the horizon.
HAMLET
Oh, I see. The sun's coming up.
OK, Dad. It was nice seeing you
again. I'll get your revenge for
you. You can count on me.
The Ghost waves good-bye and exits.
HAMLET
Hmmmm. Now what am I going to do?
I can't just go downstairs and kill
Claudius. This is only Act I, and
we've still got a whole play to
fill up. I know! I'll pretend
I've gone crazy. That won't help
me get revenge, but it should take
up a few hours, and it may liven
things up around here.
Enter Horatio, Bernardo, and Francisco.
BERNARDO
Lord Hamlet!
FRANCISCO
What news, my lord?
HAMLET
Listen, boys, I don't want any of
you to ever say a word about seeing
that ghost, all right?
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
BERNARDO
Propose the oath, my lord, and we
will swear it.
HAMLET
Never to speak of what you have
seen this night.
FRANCISCO
But we haven't seen anything!
HAMLET
Then never to speak of what you
haven't seen!
HORATIO
I'm not sure I can remember
everything I haven't seen.
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear! Swear that you'll remember
to forget everything you haven't
seen.
HORATIO
I don't know. I've got a pretty
good memory.
Hamlet gives each of then a gold kroner piece.
HAMLET
Look, I'm going to lend each of you
ten kroner. Will you remember to
pay back this loan?
HORATIO
What loan?
FRANCISCO
We have forgotten everything, my
lord!
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear! Swear by my sword.
Hamlet isn't wearing a sword in this scene. After
this scene, he does wear a sword.
HORATIO
You forgot to bring your sword!
HAMLET
Then cross your hearts and hope to
die!
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
HORATIO, BERNARDO, &
FRANCISCO
We swear!
HAMLET
So, gentlemen, let us go in
together; and still your fingers on
your lips, I pray. The time is out
of joint. Oh cursed spite, that
ever I was born to set it right!
Exeunt.
**************************************************
ACT II
Scene I
Scene I of Act II takes place at Polonius's house.
It's one month later. Polonius enters. A moment
later, Ophelia runs in.
POLONIUS
How now, Ophelia? What's the
matter?
OPHELIA
Oh my lord, my lord, I have been so
affrighted!
POLONIUS
With what?
OPHELIA
Have you noticed anything peculiar
about Prince Hamlet recently?
POLONIUS
Hamlet? He's always been peculiar,
... but now that you mention it, he
has been acting very strangely of
late. Why do you ask?
OPHELIA
He came to my room just now. He
took me by the wrist and held me
hard, then he fell to such perusal
of my face as if he would draw it,
and then he raised a sigh so
piteous and profound, ... I think
he loves me.
POLONIUS
This sounds like the very ecstasy
of love! Have you given him any
hard words of late?
OPHELIA
I've been refusing to see him, as
you told me I must. You ordered me
to stay away from him because he
would never be permitted to marry
someone of my lowly station.
POLONIUS
I was wrong! He truly loves you,
and your rejection has driven him
mad! In the morning we must go to
the King.
Polonius exits. Ophelia watches him go off.
OPHELIA
My poor foolish father. How easy
it is to lead you from the truth.
If the King as readily believes
these lies of Hamlet's love, then
soon shall I shall be Queen of
Denmark!
Ophelia exits after Polonius. Enter Horatio with
the Ghost of Hamlet's father. They have been
listening to the preceding scene.
HORATIO
Hey Ghost, did you hear that? It's
a good thing we decided to spy.
That lady's gonna make trouble for
Hamlet. I got to remember to warn
him!
The Ghost nods in agreement. Exeunt Horatio and
the Ghost.
**************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a room in the Castle.
This room has an arras (a tapestry wall hanging.)
Enter the King and Queen, followed by ROSENCRANTZ
and GUILDENSTERN. Rosencrantz is a portly fellow
with a tiny mustache, who affects very polished
manners. Guildenstern is thin and speaks with an
English accent.
KING
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern. Moreover, that we
much did long to see you, the need
we have to use you did provoke our
hasty sending.
ROSENCRANTZ
Your Majesties!
Rosencrantz makes a very deep bow. Guildenstern
taps Rosencrantz on the shoulder and points to
Claudius.
GUILDENSTERN
Who's he?
ROSENCRANTZ
That's the King!
GUILDENSTERN
I thought you said the King was
dead.
ROSENCRANTZ
The old King is dead. This is the
new King!
Guildenstern looks at the King very carefully.
GUILDENSTERN
He doesn't look very new to me.
Rosencrantz speaks to the King.
ROSENCRANTZ
Please forgive my friend, your
Majesty. We've had a very long
trip, and he's tired.
GUILDENSTERN
No I'm not. We had a nap after
lunch...
Rosencrantz glares at Guildenstern, silencing him.
KING
I trust that you have heard
something of Prince Hamlet's
transformation. I don't know what
may have caused this sudden change
in him. You are two of his oldest
and dearest friends. Perhaps you
can tell us what is the matter.
QUEEN
Good gentlemen, Hamlet has often
talked of you. I'm sure there
aren't two men living of whom he is
more fond. Please stay with us
awhile, and we will see that you
are well rewarded.
ROSENCRANTZ
It will be our pleasure to obey
your every command, your Majesties.
GUILDENSTERN
That's right! After all, you are
the King, even if you're not dead
yet, so if there's anything we can
do to make your job any easier,
just call on us.
ROSENCRANTZ
He means we're ready to do whatever
you tell us. The most difficult
task won't be too difficult for us
to attempt! Isn't that right,
Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, and the simplest task won't be
simple enough for us to do either.
What is it you want us to do,
anyway?
KING
Tell us what is wrong with Prince
Hamlet!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern confer privately in
whispers, then Guildenstern speaks.
GUILDENSTERN
We heard he's gone screwy.
KING
We know that! Find out why he's
gone screwy!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
We'll do our best, your Majesty.
QUEEN
Go, and find Prince Hamlet!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter
Polonius.
POLONIUS
My good lord, the ambassador from
Norway has returned!
KING
I trust he brings good news.
POLONIUS
That reminds me, I think I have
discovered the cause of Hamlet's
lunacy.
KING
Oh? That is something I long to
hear!
POLONIUS
First listen to the ambassador. My
news shall be the fruit to that
great feast.
KING
Go then, and bring in the
ambassador.
Polonius exits. The King turns to the Queen.
KING
Did you hear that? Polonius thinks
he has discovered the source of
your son's strange behavior.
QUEEN
I don't think it is anything but
his father's death, and our own
hasty marriage, but we shall see.
Re-enter Polonius with VOLTIMAND, the ambassador
from Norway.
KING
Well, what news from the King of
Norway?
VOLTIMAND
The King was very surprised by your
letter. He thought young
Fortinbras was preparing to invade
Poland, but when he found out that
Fortinbras meant to attack Denmark,
he rebuked him most severely.
Young Fortinbras then promised the
King he would never invade Denmark,
but asked if he might invade Poland
instead. He would like your
permission to bring his army
through Denmark, on his way to
attack the Poles.
KING
Well, that sounds like a reasonable
request. Go back to Norway, and
give young Fortinbras my permission
to bring his army through Denmark.
Exit Voltimand. The King turns to Polonius.
KING
Now, Polonius, tell us your news!
POLONIUS
I have a daughter. She has told me
that Hamlet has been sending her
love letters. I said to her, "Lord
Hamlet is a prince, and above thy
station! Avoid him!" She has
avoided him, and since that time,
he has gone mad!
KING
Could this be true?
QUEEN
It may be.
POLONIUS
My daughter has given me an idea.
Prince Hamlet often walks alone
here in this part of the castle.
Tomorrow my daughter will wait to
meet him here. We shall hide
behind this arras, and see what
happens then.
KING
We will try it.
Enter Hamlet, reading a book.
QUEEN
Look, how sadly the poor wretch
comes reading.
POLONIUS
Leave me to talk with him alone.
Exeunt the King and Queen.
POLONIUS
How does my lord Hamlet?
HAMLET
Booga-booga-booga!
POLONIUS
Do you know me, my lord?
HAMLET
Let's see, ... Aren't you Abie the
Fishman?
POLONIUS
Not I, my lord.
HAMLET
No, I guess that was another play.
It's too bad. There were a lot
more laughs in that show. So, who
are you, anyway? No, wait! Let me
guess! Have you got a daughter?
POLONIUS
I have, my lord.
HAMLET
Tell me, ... does your daughter
fool around?
POLONIUS
Never!
HAMLET
Good, because you know what fooling
around can lead to, don't you?
Grandchildren! And grandchildren
can lead to great-grandchildren!
You know, there'd be a lot less
fooling around here in Denmark if
you old people would just stop
having grandchildren! And at your
age too!!! You should be ashamed
of yourself!
POLONIUS
My daughter is a modest, virtuous
maiden. She will make some man a
fine wife.
HAMLET
Good, have her make one for me. In
fact, I'll take half a dozen. No,
make it a dozen. Christmas is
coming up, and I need some gifts
for my friends.
POLONIUS
What do you read, my lord?
HAMLET
Words, words, words. I can never
remember this scene, so I keep a
copy of the script in here.
POLONIUS
Though this be madness, yet there
is method in it.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
POLONIUS
Fare you well, my lord.
Polonius goes over to speak to Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern.
POLONIUS
You go to seek Prince Hamlet.
There he is.
ROSENCRANTZ
(to Polonius)
God save you, sir!
Exit Polonius.
ROSENCRANTZ
My most dear lord!
HAMLET
Eh?
ROSENCRANTZ
Don't you remember us? I am
Rosencrantz, and this is my good
friend, Guildenstern!
HAMLET
My most excellent good friends!
How do you both?
ROSENCRANTZ
Not badly. Not badly at all!
HAMLET
Oh, really?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, we get a big reward if we can
find out why you're screwy.
Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
You weren't supposed to tell him
that! That was supposed to be a
secret!
GUILDENSTERN
But he's our friend. If we can't
trust him, who can we trust?
ROSENCRANTZ
We can't trust anyone! Now
whatever you do, don't tell him the
King and Queen sent for us.
GUILDENSTERN
You can count on me!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern go back over to
Hamlet.
HAMLET
Tell me, why did you two come to
Elsinore?
ROSENCRANTZ
Why, to visit you, my lord. No
other reason.
HAMLET
You weren't sent for?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, we weren't.
HAMLET
I'm glad to hear it. Who didn't
send for you?
GUILDENSTERN
The King and Queen.
HAMLET
That's funny, because I've been
dying to tell someone why I've been
acting so crazy, but I wouldn't
want to tell anyone who wasn't sent
for by the King and Queen.
Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
What do we say now?
GUILDENSTERN
Let's tell him we were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ
That's a good idea.
They go back over to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, we were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ
Now tell us what's the matter with
you.
HAMLET
I have of late, but wherefore I
know not, lost all my mirth. Well,
maybe not all my mirth, but I
certainly haven't been having a
very good time lately, especially
since you boys showed up!
ROSENCRANTZ
I understand perfectly! You're
depressed!
GUILDENSTERN
Does that mean we can collect the
reward now?
ROSENCRANTZ
Certainly not! Hamlet's our
friend! What kind of friends would
we be if we didn't do something to
cheer him up?
GUILDENSTERN
Well, if we got the reward, we
could go out and buy him a vanilla
ice cream cone. That always cheers
me up when I'm decompressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
Hamlet's problems are
psychological! He needs to talk
about them, and get them out into
the open.
Rosencrantz turns back to Hamlet.
ROSENCRANTZ
Why don't you tell us more about
how you feel?
HAMLET
Very well. I didn't want to tell
you, but you forced it out of me.
Oh, I'm so ashamed. I just found
out ... I just found out my two
best friends are a couple of
morons.
ROSENCRANTZ
No wonder you're depressed! I'd be
depressed too if I found out my
best friends were morons. Wouldn't
you, Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
I certainly would, Rosencrantz, but
I'd still be your friend anyway, in
spite of it!
Rosencrantz suddenly suspects that Hamlet has
insulted them.
ROSENCRANTZ
Wait just a minute! I thought we
were your best friends.
HAMLET
I hate to break it to you boys, but
I don't think either one of you
could pass the aptitude test to
become court fools.
GUILDENSTERN
We could too!
ROSENCRANTZ
Come, Guildenstern. We don't have
to stay here to be insulted.
HAMLET
No, you probably don't. But wait!
Don't go! I'm sorry. It's just
that I've been so insane lately.
What a piece of work is a man! How
noble in reason. How infinite in
faculties! In form and moving how
express and admirable! In action
how like an angel! In apprehension
how like a god! There, if that
doesn't convince you I'm crazy,
nothing will! Take a look around
this castle if you want to see what
a piece of work is a man! God's
just lucky he didn't give out
warranties! Oh, I'm so depressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
We have some news that may cheer
you up, my lord. On our way into
Elsinore, we passed a gentleman who
said he was going to bring back
some players to perform for you
tomorrow night!
HAMLET
That's funny. I was just saying to
Horatio how much I'd like to see a
really good play.
Hamlet addresses the audience directly on the next
line.
HAMLET
(to audience)
And I bet you folks feel the same
way.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, have I got a deal for
you!!!
HAMLET
Why is it that suddenly suicide
seems like a good idea?
HORATIO
You say you want to see a play, so
I go out and I find the finest
players in the land, just for you!
HAMLET
Really? When can I see them?
HORATIO
Not so fast. First you got to talk
to their manager.
HAMLET
Who's their manager, as if I
couldn't guess?
HORATIO
It's funny you should ask. When I
found these players, they're the
finest players in the land, but
guess what? They haven't got a
manager! So what can I do? My
friend Prince Hamlet wants to see a
play, but how's he going to hire
these players without a manager?
Then I get a wonderful idea!!!
I'll be their manager!
GUILDENSTERN
Gee, isn't he a swell guy?
ROSENCRANTZ
He certainly is!
HAMLET
How much are you going to charge me
to see these players?
HORATIO
Twenty kroner.
HAMLET
Twenty kroner? That's not bad.
HORATIO
That's just to see them. Now if
you want them to put on a play,
that's another fifty kroner.
HAMLET
What kind of play will they put on
for this ... total of seventy
kroner?
HORATIO
Well, there's two kinds of plays.
There's good plays and bad plays.
If you want a good play, it's an
extra fifty kroner.
HAMLET
Well then, have them put on a bad
play.
HORATIO
I'm sorry, they don't do bad plays.
They've go a reputation to hold up.
HAMLET
A hundred and twenty kroner sounds
right for a hold-up. Is that the
entire cost?
HORATIO
Sure, that's the whole price. One
hundred and twenty kroner for a
real good play. Oh, I almost
forgot to ask, you don't want them
to learn their lines, do you?
HAMLET
No, I wouldn't think of it.
HORATIO
Cause if you did, that would be
another thirty kroner.
HAMLET
Just have them read the lines.
Horatio gives Hamlet a look, indicating Hamlet is
being silly.
HAMLET
On second thought, why be stingy?
Let them learn their lines! We've
got a deal then! One hundred and
fifty kroner.
Hamlet pays the money to Horatio. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My lord, there are some men at the
castle gate, who claim to be
players ... .
HAMLET
Then let them in! Let them in!
Polonius goes to get the players.
HAMLET
I'm really looking forward to this.
It's about time we had some good
sophisticated adult drama around
here.
Polonius comes back in with the three players:
the FIRST PLAYER is a grumpy, bossy man with a
Prince Valiant-type haircut, the SECOND PLAYER has
very frizzy hair, and the THIRD PLAYER is a fat,
bald idiot.
HAMLET
So these are the finest players in
the land?
HORATIO
They must be. No one else can get
these prices!
HAMLET
Well, let's see what they can do.
Give me a sample. I want to hear
something old and classical.
Hamlet turns to the First Player.
HAMLET
Do you know "The Death of Priam"?
FIRST PLAYER
I didn't even know he was sick!
HAMLET
Well, that's old, but it isn't
classical. That's one of the
oldest jokes I've ever heard. How
is it that you don't know the
famous speech about the death of
King Priam? All great actors know
that speech! Your manager here
said that you were the finest
players in the land!
THIRD PLAYER
We are! We get fined in every town
we play in!
The Third Player laughs. The First Player hits
the Third Player on top of his head, and the Third
Player squeals.
SECOND PLAYER
Listen, we're very good at what we
do!
HAMLET
And what is it you do?
SECOND PLAYER
Mostly we call each other names,
make funny noises, hit each other,
and poke each other in the eye.
HAMLET
Is there much of an audience for
that?
THIRD PLAYER
Certainly!!!
POLONIUS
I have heard of these players, my
lord. They are very successful.
HAMLET
I repeat: What a piece of work is
a man! How noble in reason!
FIRST PLAYER
You still want a sample? Watch
what we can do!
HAMLET
Are you going to hit the fat guy
again?
FIRST PLAYER
Sure, if that's what you want.
HAMLET
Only if you keep it up until you
kill him. Actually, I was hoping
for something a little more
refined.
THIRD PLAYER
We're very refined. Whenever we go
into a town, right after we get
fined once, we usually get refined.
The Third Player laughs. The First Player hits
him on the head, and he squeals.
HAMLET
This could quickly become
monotonous.
The First Player hits the Second Player on the
head.
SECOND PLAYER
Ow!!! What did you hit me for?
FIRST PLAYER
Variety!
HAMLET
Couldn't you do something poetic,
with lots of conflict, a tragedy
about man's inhumanity to man?
HORATIO
Why didn't you say that's what you
wanted? These guys specialize in
that!
PLAYERS
We do?
HORATIO
Sure! Do the show I taught you
this afternoon. You remember, the
one with poetry and conflict.
HAMLET
What's this show called?
HORATIO
"Simple Simon," by Mother Goose.
ROSENCRANTZ
Say, I think I know that one.
FIRST PLAYER
Watch this!
The First Player and the Third Player run off
opposite sides of the stage. The Second Player
steps to center stage and clears his throat.
SECOND PLAYER
This afternoon, we bring you a
classic tale of hunger and greed,
that famous poem known the world
over ... "Simple Simon."
There is a long pause.
HAMLET
Well?
SECOND PLAYER
I forgot how it starts.
The First Player runs on. He wears a chef's hat
and apron. He hits the Second Player on top of
the head.
FIRST PLAYER
"Simple Simon met a pie-man..."
The First Player runs back off-stage.
SECOND PLAYER
Oh yes! (Ahem.)
Simple Simon
Met a pie-man
Going to the faire!
The First Player, dressed as a pie-man, and
carrying a big cream pie, enters from one side of
the stage. The Third Player, singing stupidly,
enters from the other side.
THIRD PLAYER
La-la-lee-la-la!
SECOND PLAYER
Said Simple Simon,
To the pie-man,
THIRD PLAYER
Let me taste your ware!
SECOND PLAYER
Said the pie-man,
To Simple Simon,
FIRST PLAYER
Show me first your penny!
SECOND PLAYER
Said Simple Simon,
To the pie-man,
THIRD PLAYER
In truth, I haven't any!
FIRST PLAYER
Oh, a deadbeat!
The First Player hits the Third Player in the face
with the pie.
THIRD PLAYER
Oh! Vanilla custard! My favorite!
The Third Player laughs. The First Player hits
the Third Player on top of his head, and the Third
Player squeals. All three Players bow, banging
their heads together. Horatio, Polonius,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern all applaud
enthusiastically. Horatio turns to Hamlet.
HORATIO
Pretty good stuff, eh?
HAMLET
Boys, I think you've captured the
essence of human existence, and now
that you've captured it, I hope
you'll never let it out again. No,
on second thought, I want you to
perform for Claudius tomorrow
night. He deserves to see this.
Polonius, show these men to their
rooms.
Polonius leads out the Second and Third Players.
Hamlet grabs the First Player by the arm to speak
with him privately.
HAMLET
Wait a second, I want to talk to
you. Can you play "The Murder of
Gonzago"?
FIRST PLAYER
Sorry, I never heard of it.
HAMLET
All right, can you play "The Queen
of Hearts"? It's by the same
author as "Simple Simon." You
remember, "The Queen of Hearts, she
made some tarts..."
FIRST PLAYER
Yes, my lord, we know that one.
HAMLET
I figured you would. We'll have it
tomorrow night. But I've got a few
special changes I want you to put
in. I'll come by and give them to
you later. Now go to your room!
The First Player exits.
ROSENCRANTZ
That certainly was a fine
performance, wasn't it?
GUILDENSTERN
I'll say!
ROSENCRANTZ
Didn't you think the roles were
particularly well cast?
GUILDENSTERN
I thought the pie was well cast.
Were there rolls in it too? I
didn't see the rolls.
HAMLET
Go to your rooms!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
Good-bye, my lord.
GUILDENSTERN
So long!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, bowing to
Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave
am I! Is it not monstrous that
these players here can slap each
other around like that, and I can't
even lay a finger on Claudius?
They hit each other, hurt each
other, and all I can come up with
is clever banter! I'm nothing but
a coward, a Noel Coward! Well,
maybe not such an ol' coward, more
of a young coward. And after all,
I have no real proof that Claudius
killed my father. All I've got is
the word of a ghost who can't even
talk! I know what I'll do. I'll
have these players perform
something like the murder of my
father. If Claudius looks guilty,
I'll know he did it! The play's
the thing, wherein I'll catch the
conscience of the King!
Exit Hamlet.
**************************************************
ACT III
Scene I
Scene I takes place in a room in the castle. This
is the same room as in Act II, Scene II. Enter
the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz,
and Guildenstern.
KING
And can you, by no drift of
circumstance, get from him why he
puts on this confusion, grating so
harshly all his days of quiet with
turbulent and dangerous lunacy?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern consult with each
other in whispers.
GUILDENSTERN
Would you mind rephrasing the
question?
KING
Have you found out yet why Hamlet's
gone screwy?
ROSENCRANTZ
We're making progress, your
majesty, but he hasn't told us the
whole story yet.
QUEEN
Well, what has he told you?
GUILDENSTERN
He's oppressed because man is a
piece of work, who fills out forms
with infinite reasons . . and moves
like an admiral on an express, and
... and is apprehensive of god, .
. and his two best friends are a
couple of morons!
ROSENCRANTZ
But we do have some good news, your
majesties! Some traveling players
have arrived at the castle, and
your son is going to have them put
on a play!
KING
Hmmmm, maybe this play will take
his mind off of whatever it is that
is troubling him so much. The next
time you see Hamlet, do your best
to keep him in a good mood!
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
Now Gertrude, I would like you to
leave us alone for awhile, while I
try to discover what is the matter
with your son. I have sent for
him, and Polonius and I will hide
and watch while he meets Ophelia.
We should be able to tell from his
reactions if it is really love that
is causing him to act so strangely.
QUEEN
Very well. Ophelia, I hope you can
do something about all this. I do
not understand what has gotten into
that boy!
Exit Queen.
POLONIUS
Ophelia, you stand here and wait
for Hamlet. The King and I shall
hide behind this arras.
The King and Polonius exit behind the arras.
Enter Hamlet.
HAMLET
To be, or not to be; that is the
question.
Hamlet starts speaking directly to the audience.
HAMLET
If you can answer the question, you
win fifty dollars, which you'll
have to split among the lot of you.
To be, or not to be? Does anyone
have the answer?
Hamlet points to a member of the audience.
HAMLET
You? I'm sorry, anything you have
is obviously no good. Including
your date.
Hamlet suddenly turns somber.
HAMLET
Oh, why don't I just kill myself
now, and let you folks go home
early? Better yet, why don't you
folks kill yourselves now, and let
me go home early? You can take my
word for it, you've seen the best
part of the show. It's all
downhill from here. So what do you
say to a little mass suicide? Just
think of it, I wouldn't even have
to take a curtain call, and you
folks could make theater history.
Well, come on! What are you
waiting for? You're not afraid of
a little death, are you? Are you?
But then, maybe you should be
afraid. Who knows what would
happen to you if you did kill
yourselves? In your next life, you
might have to watch this play
rewritten for Abbott and Costello!
Ophelia, tired of waiting for Hamlet to notice
her, calls to him.
OPHELIA
Hamlet!
HAMLET
What's this? The fair Ophelia!
Suddenly Horatio rushes on stage, grabs Hamlet,
and pulls him over to one side of the stage, away
from Ophelia. Horatio speaks privately to Hamlet.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, I just remembered.
You gotta watch out for Ophelia.
She wants to marry you so she can
be Queen!
HAMLET
Oh yeah? We'll just see about
that!
Exit Horatio.
OPHELIA
Good day, my lord.
HAMLET
Says you!
OPHELIA
It's been many days since I've seen
your honor.
HAMLET
Let's keep my honor out of this.
You'd like to see my honor,
wouldn't you? Well, that's too
bad, because it's private, see? My
honor's not for sale. Not at
reasonable prices, anyway. But for
an unreasonable price, maybe we
could make a deal. How much honor
did you have in mind?
OPHELIA
My lord, I have some love letters
to return to you.
HAMLET
I'm sorry, you'll have to come up
with cash on the line, or it's no
deal. Letters!!!
OPHELIA
You told me you loved me once, and
I did believe you.
HAMLET
What? You expect me to believe
that you believed me? Isn't that
just like a woman! Well, I don't
believe you believed me, so there!
Now, do you believe I don't believe
that you believed me? That's a
better question than "to be or not
to be?".
OPHELIA
You deceived me, my lord. You took
advantage of my poor innocence.
HAMLET
You've got the poorest innocence
I've ever seen!
Ophelia starts acting girlish, trying to charm
Hamlet.
OPHELIA
But... don't you ever want to be a
daddy?
HAMLET
Why? You want to get adopted?
OPHELIA
Not me, Hammy! I mean, don't you
want to have your own children!
HAMLET
Listen, Ophy, I've got enough
problems with the relatives I've
already got.
OPHELIA
But don't you think I'd make a good
mother?
HAMLET
I think you'd make a mother
superior, so why don't you get thee
to a nunnery?
OPHELIA
But...
HAMLET
Go!
Ophelia speaks loudly so that the King and
Polonius can hear her.
OPHELIA
Oh, what a noble mind is here
o'erthrown!
She turns to Hamlet and hisses a threat at him.
OPHELIA
I'll get you for this!
Hamlet shrugs and exits. Enter the King and
Polonius.
KING
That did not sound like love to me!
I don't trust that fellow one bit.
I'd feel safer if he were far from
Denmark,... say in England.
POLONIUS
I still think he has gone mad from
love for my daughter. After the
play tomorrow night, why don't we
have his mother speak to him
privately, and I will hide and
listen to what they say. Then, if
you still think he is dangerous,
you can send him to England, or
confine him where you think best.
KING
It shall be so. Madness in great
ones must not unwatched go.
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a hall in the castle.
Enter Hamlet and the Players.
HAMLET
Speak the speech, I pray you, as I
pronounced it to you!
FIRST PLAYER
Don't worry, your princeship, we'll
do everything just like you said.
HAMLET
And no melodramatic gestures!
Don't saw the air with your hands.
THIRD PLAYER
Relax! I never saw the air with my
hands! I saw the air with my eyes!
The Third Player laughs, the First Player pounds
him on the head, and the Third Player squeals.
FIRST PLAYER
That's not what he means! He means
don't do this!
The First Player saws the air upward with his
hand, as the other Players watch him, and then he
suddenly jerks his hand down, giving the other
Players whiplash.
HAMLET
What I mean is, don't overact. Be
natural! Try to behave like normal
human beings.
SECOND PLAYER
I thought you wanted us to be
natural.
The First Player pounds the Second Player on the
head.
HAMLET
Go! Make ready for the play.
Exeunt the Players. Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
The play is about to start. Go get
the King and Queen.
ROSENCRANTZ
We will, my lord.
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter
Horatio. Hamlet goes to Horatio and speaks to him
privately.
HAMLET
Horatio! Watch my uncle during the
play. Let me know if he does
anything funny.
HORATIO
Don't worry. No one does anything
funny in any play while I'm around!
HAMLET
Well, that explains a lot.
Enter the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
All right, everyone sit down. The
play's about to start.
Everyone except Hamlet sits on the floor.
QUEEN
Come hither, my dear Hamlet. Sit
by me.
HAMLET
No thanks, Mom. I want to annoy
Ophelia.
Hamlet goes over to Ophelia, who treats him very
coldly.
HAMLET
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, my head in your lap.
He lies down with his head in her lap. She
remains cold to him.
OPHELIA
Aye, my lord.
HAMLET
Did you think I meant country
matters?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That's a fair thought to lie
between maids' legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.
Hamlet waggishly raises and lowers his eyebrows.
Then he turns to the audience.
HAMLET
Shakespeare wrote that one.
The Second Player steps out and waits for everyone
to quiet down.
HAMLET
Quiet everyone! The play's
starting.
The Second Player declaims the prologue to the
play.
SECOND PLAYER
The Queen of Hearts
She made some tarts,
All on a summer's day;
The Knave of Hearts
He stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts
Called for the tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore;
The Knave of Hearts
Brought back the tarts,
And vowed he'd steal no more.
The Second Player bows to applause and exits.
HAMLET
That was just the prologue. Now
the real play begins!
The First Player enters. He is dressed as the
King of Hearts. He speaks bombastically.
FIRST PLAYER
I am the noble King of Hearts!
I want my Queen to bake some tarts.
The finest pastries in the land
Are made by her own dainty hands.
Where is the Queen! I want her
here!
The Third Player, affecting a high, shrill voice
answers from off stage.
THIRD PLAYER
(off stage)
Hold your horses! I'm coming,
dear!
FIRST PLAYER
My own dear wife! I know that I
Will always love her till I die!
The Third Player enters in drag, dressed as the
Queen of Hearts. The First Player is horrified by
her frightful appearance.
THIRD PLAYER
Sorry I'm late. I'd lost my wig.
How do I look?
FIRST PLAYER
Just like a ... fig-
Ure of beauty, your teeth like
pearls!
THIRD PLAYER
Aw, you say that to all the girls.
The Third Player gives the First Player a playful
shove, nearly knocking him over.
FIRST PLAYER
Say you'll be forever true!
THIRD PLAYER
Certainly, Kingsie! Who else do
you
Think I'd go for?
FIRST PLAYER
For a start,
My brother, the evil Knave of
Hearts!
If I catch you two together,
Ever again, I don't care whether
He has a knife, an ax or spear,
I'll kill him first, then you, my
dear!
THIRD PLAYER
Take it easy! Please, calm down!
I'm not the type who'd play around!
FIRST PLAYER
Ever since that time I caught
Him with your tarts I've been
distraught!
THIRD PLAYER
You can trust me. Wait and see!
I'll behave so faithfully,
I'll bake my tarts for only you!
Cross my heart! It's true! It's
true!
Hamlet turns to his mother, as the First Player
and Third Player exit, arm in arm, from the stage.
HAMLET
What do you think, Mom?
QUEEN
The lady doth protest too much,
methinks.
Enter the Second Player, dressed as the Knave of
Hearts.
SECOND PLAYER
I'm the wicked Knave of Hearts!
I'd love to grab the fair Queen's
tarts,
Filled with apples, pears, or
plums!
Why speak of the devil, here she
comes!
Enter the Third Player, singing and carrying a
table. On the table are a number of small cream
pies, and at least one large cream pie.
THIRD PLAYER
La la lee la la.
Suddenly the Third Player spots the Second Player,
and puts down the table.
THIRD PLAYER
Hey! You! What are you doing
here?
SECOND PLAYER
I came to taste your tarts, my
dear!
THIRD PLAYER
Have you got rocks inside your
head?
If the King finds us here, we're
dead!
SECOND PLAYER
You think I'm frightened of that
bum?
That stupid fool! That twerp!
That crumb!
Hey! I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll kill the King and marry you!
As the Second Player continues telling his plans,
the real King, seated in the audience, becomes
visibly upset.
SECOND PLAYER
I'll wait until he's fast asleep
Out in his orchard. There I'll
creep.
I'll bring a jar of poison, dear,
And I will pour it in his ear!
The King stands, horrified. At this point, the
First Player enters, unnoticed by the Second
Player or the First Player.
SECOND PLAYER
As soon as that poor slob is dead,
I'll arrange that we'll be wed!
And you will bake the pies I crave,
While he is rotting in his grave.
The Second Player picks up a small cream pie.
KING
Stop the play!
The Players are so intent on their play that they
ignore the King. Suddenly, the Third Player
(still in his role as the Queen of Hearts) spots
the First Player.
THIRD PLAYER
I think it's high time that I went!
The Third Player starts to walk off stage. The
First Player grabs the Second Player and spins him
around. The Second Player accidentally hits the
First Player in the face with the pie.
SECOND PLAYER
I didn't mean it! It was an
accident!
FIRST PLAYER
Why, you...
KING
Stop the play!
The First Player picks up a pie, and throws it at
the Second Player. The Second Player ducks, and
the pie hits the Third Player. The King walks
over to the Players to stop the play.
KING
Stop the play!
The Third Player picks up a large cream pie and
starts to smash it into the face of the First
Player.
KING
Give me some light!!!
The First Player ducks and the Third Player hits
the real King in the face with the pie. The real
King rushes off stage. The Queen, Polonius,
Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern follow the
King.
FIRST PLAYER
I think we'd better beat it, boys.
The Players exit. Only Hamlet and Horatio are
left on stage.
HAMLET
Did you see that? Did you? Did
you see what the King did?
HORATIO
Yeah, he got the pie I wanted.
HAMLET
And he stopped the play before the
best part! Right before the big
musical number!
Re-enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They walk
hesitantly up to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
We have a message for you from your
mother.
HAMLET
Yes?
ROSENCRANTZ
She wants to speak to you in her
room before you go to bed.
HAMLET
All right.
He looks at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who
obviously have something else on their minds, but
who are reluctant to speak up.
HAMLET
Do you boys have anything else on
your minds?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern remain silent.
HAMLET
Do you have anything on your minds?
Do you have minds?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look at each other,
and then Guildenstern summons up the courage to
speak to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
We still don't know why you're
screwy.
At this point the Players walk in playing
recorders. They do not play very well.
FIRST PLAYER
Since the King didn't seem to like
our play, we thought he might enjoy
some music. Where is the King?
HAMLET
Let me see that.
Hamlet snatches one of the recorders. He looks at
it, then hands it to Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Here. Play upon this pipe.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, I cannot.
HAMLET
I pray you.
GUILDENSTERN
Believe me, I cannot.
HAMLET
Please. I beseech you.
Suddenly Hamlet's voice turns threatening.
HAMLET
Play it!!!
Guildenstern is near tears.
GUILDENSTERN
I don't know how to play the pipe.
HAMLET
You don't, eh? Then you must think
I'm simpler than this pipe! You
think you can get all my secrets
out of me just by asking, but you
can't get anything out of this
pipe! You're willing to play on
me, aren't you? You think it's
easier to play on me than this
pipe! You thought you could play
me, so surely you can play a simple
pipe! Go ahead! Play it!!!
GUILDENSTERN
But I don't ... I . . .
HAMLET
Play it!
Guildenstern tearfully tries to play the pipe. To
his surprise, beautiful music comes out.
Guildenstern takes the pipe away from his lips to
examine it. He can't figure out how he managed to
play it. He gives up trying to figure it out,
shrugs his shoulders, and happily begins to play
again. Guildenstern continues to play very
complicated, rich, classical music. He plays like
an expert, even though he doesn't know how.
Guildenstern stops playing and smiles happily at
Hamlet.
HAMLET
Excuse me, I think I hear my mother
calling.
Exit Hamlet. Exeunt all.
**************************************************
Scene III
Scene III takes place in a room in the castle.
Enter the King, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
I like him not, nor stands it safe
with us to let his madness range.
Therefore prepare you. I shall
execute a commission for you to
take him with you to England. Go!
Get ready!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bow and exit. Enter
Polonius.
POLONIUS
My lord, he's going to his mother's
room. I'll get there first and
hide behind the arras and listen to
what they say. I'll tell you
everything.
KING
Thank you, my good friend.
Exit Polonius.
KING
Oh my offense is rank, it smells to
heaven. I have murdered my own
brother. Prince Hamlet knows what
I have done; I'm sure of it. He
puts on a mask of madness, while he
plots against me, and I deserve to
be plotted against. I've killed my
brother! I should pray for
forgiveness, but how can I? I
still have my crown and my queen,
and I will not give them up. I
will not show repentance. Alas,
there can be no forgiveness without
repentance, can there?
The King kneels, sorrowfully, as if in prayer.
Enter Hamlet. He is startled to see the King.
Hamlet muses to himself. The King is unaware of
Hamlet's presence.
HAMLET
What's this? The King! I could
kill him now, while he's alone. It
would be easy. I could run him
through while he's praying and send
him straight to heaven, which is
better than he deserves ... much
better. He's praying, which means
if I killed him now, he'd go
straight to heaven, ... and I'd be
left down here in Denmark. He'd
like that, I'll bet! I can just
see him up there, laughing at me!
Why shouldn't he laugh? He gets
heavenly bliss, and I'm stuck here
with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
He'd think that was pretty funny,
the lout! Well, I'll show him.
Hamlet strides over to the King.
HAMLET
I wouldn't kill you now if you
begged me! So there!
Exit Hamlet. The King is bewildered.
KING
Maybe he really is insane after
all.
Exit the King.
**************************************************
Scene IV
Scene IV takes place in the Queen's bedroom.
Enter the Queen and Polonius.
POLONIUS
He will come straight. Pray you,
be round with him.
HAMLET
(off stage)
Mother! Mother!
QUEEN
Withdraw! I hear him coming.
Polonius hides behind the arras. The Queen sits
in a chair. Enter Hamlet.
HAMLET
Now, Mother, what's the matter?
QUEEN
Hamlet, thou hast thy father much
offended.
HAMLET
Mother, thou hast my father much
offended.
QUEEN
Come, come, you answer with an idle
tongue.
HAMLET
Go, go, you question with a wicked
tongue. And thou hast my father
much offended!
QUEEN
Have you forgotten who I am?
HAMLET
No! You are the Queen, your
husband's brother's wife; and --
would it were not so -- you are my
mother! And thou hast my father
much offended! Let's see you top
that!
QUEEN
I don't understand a word you're
saying.
HAMLET
No, you wouldn't, would you? All
you did was marry your own brother-
in-law, my uncle. That's all you
did, relatively speaking. Did you
ever stop to think where we'd be if
everyone married my uncle? Why,
we'd be up to our ears in aunts,
for one thing, and that's no
picnic.
QUEEN
I give up! I can't talk to you.
The Queen starts to stand. Hamlet pushes her back
down into her chair.
HAMLET
Oh no, you're going to take a good
hard look at yourself and face the
ugly truth.
The Queen panics.
QUEEN
What are you going to do? You
won't murder me? Help! Help me!
POLONIUS
(behind the arras)
What? Help! Help!
HAMLET
How now! A rat!
Hamlet stabs Polonius through the arras.
POLONIUS
(behind the arras)
Oh, I am slain!
Polonius falls and dies, still behind the arras.
HAMLET
Is that the King?
Hamlet pulls aside the arras and discovers
Polonius.
HAMLET
Oops. Well, I guess the joke's on
me. I just killed the wrong man!
I'll tell you what, Mom, you keep
quiet about this to Claudius, and I
won't tell him about the strange
man hiding in your bedroom.
QUEEN
Oh what a rash and bloody deed is
this!
HAMLET
Oh, so now you're going to blame
all this on me! Some mother you
are! If you hadn't married my
uncle, none of this would have
happened, and we could all be
performing "The Merry Wives of
Windsor" somewhere. Why couldn't
you have stayed married to my
father? My father! Now there's an
ideal husband!
QUEEN
But your father is dead.
HAMLET
That's what I mean. He's quiet,
undemanding, and you don't have to
cook for him. But you preferred to
marry a pig like Claudius and make
him the new Danish King. Claudius!
He's the cheesiest Danish I've ever
seen. Aren't you ashamed?
QUEEN
Stop! I refuse to listen to
another word!
Enter the Ghost.
HAMLET
Now here's a King who knows how to
rule!
The Ghost takes out a yardstick and starts
measuring things.
HAMLET
Hey, this is "Hamlet," not "Measure
For Measure!"
QUEEN
Hamlet, what are you talking about?
HAMLET
I'm talking to him! Don't you see
him?
QUEEN
Who?
HAMLET
She can't see you!
The Ghost delights in the fact that the Queen
can't see him. He goes over to her and makes a
horrible face right in front of her. He's having
a great time.
HAMLET
Yeah, you might as well enjoy
yourself.
QUEEN
I'm not enjoying this one bit!
The Ghost mimes an imitation of the Queen.
HAMLET
What a couple you two make!
QUEEN
What couple? There's only one of
me.
HAMLET
Yeah, but you're shaped like a
pear.
The Ghost suddenly notices the corpse of Polonius.
The Ghost is shocked. He turns to Hamlet for an
explanation.
HAMLET
Yeah, I know. Say, it's too bad he
didn't put the poison in your ear.
Then everything would be fine. Are
you sure Polonius didn't kill you?
You're positive?
The Ghost nods his head "yes."
HAMLET
That's too bad. I guess we owe him
one. Maybe I could get Ophelia to
pour some poison in Horatio's ear.
That would even things up.
The Ghost shakes his head "no," and mimes violence
to Claudius.
HAMLET
Yeah, I guess I've still got to
avenge your death. But after this
you owe me a favor. Fair is fair.
The Ghost nods "yes" and exits.
QUEEN
Hamlet, what are you talking about?
HAMLET
It's very simple, Mom. All I want
is for you to behave yourself. Be
a decent woman, the kind of mother
a guy can be proud to take home to
his girlfriend. That's all I'm
asking. And stay away from
Claudius!
QUEEN
But Claudius and I are married.
HAMLET
Exactly! He's a married man! Do
you know how that looks? Do you?
You and Claudius? Do you have any
idea how that looks?
QUEEN
No, I do not!
HAMLET
Well, do you remember the two
baboons we saw at the circus last
year? Look, Mom, I know you don't
mean to be bad. It's not your
fault; you're just naturally
rotten.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, the King say you gotta
pack. He's sending you to England
with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Tell him I'd rather go to the
French Riviera with Ophelia.
HORATIO
No, he says you've got to go to
England.
HAMLET
Well, why not? I might as well get
out of Denmark until this business
with Polonius blows over.
Horatio notices the corpse of Polonius for the
first time.
HORATIO
Hey, he doesn't look so good.
HAMLET
Don't worry about him. It's just a
slight case of death, that's all.
There's a lot of it going around
these days.
HORATIO
I hope it isn't catching.
HAMLET
Come on, help me drag this body out
of here.
Hamlet and Horatio begin to drag out the body of
Polonius.
HAMLET
Indeed this counselor is now most
still, most secret, and most grave,
who was in life a foolish prating
knave. Come, sir, to draw toward
an end with you. Good night,
mother.
Exeunt Hamlet and Horatio, dragging Polonius.
Exit the Queen.
**************************************************
ACT IV
Scene I
Scene I takes place in a room in the castle.
Enter the King and Queen. The Queen is obviously
very upset.
KING
There's matter in these sighs. You
must translate; 'tis fit we
understand them.
QUEEN
My good lord, Hamlet in his madness
has slain Polonius.
KING
He would have killed me, had I been
there. Where has he gone?
QUEEN
To hide the body.
KING
Rosencrantz! Guildenstern!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter.
KING
Hamlet's killed Polonius. Find
him, and bring the body to the
chapel.
ROSENCRANTZ
But your majesty, don't you think
it would be better if some armed
guards or ...
KING
Find him and be quick about it!
ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, your majesty.
Rosencrantz turns to Guildenstern as they start to
leave.
ROSENCRANTZ
This is all your fault! If you
hadn't played upon the pipe ...
GUILDENSTERN
(weeping)
But I didn't want to play the pipe!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, nervously
stumbling and bumping into each other.
KING
Gertrude, we must discuss this
matter further. Oh, come away. My
soul is filled with discord and
dismay.
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a passage in the castle.
Enter Hamlet, who has just hidden the body of
Polonius.
HAMLET
Safely stowed!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern call from off stage.
ROSENCRANTZ
(off stage)
Hamlet!
GUILDENSTERN
(off stage)
Lord Hamlet!
HAMLET
Who calls on Hamlet? Oh, here they
come.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, hesitantly.
They are afraid of Hamlet. Rosencrantz speaks to
Guildenstern.
ROSENCRANTZ
Now whatever you do, don't upset
him! You know how irritable he's
been lately.
HAMLET
Well? What do you two want?
GUILDENSTERN
Rosencrantz wants to ask you a
question.
ROSENCRANTZ
Pardon us, your lordship, but we
happened to overhear a certain
rumor that a slight accident might
have befallen Polonius, and we
thought perhaps we might offer you
our humble assistance to help you
dispose of the ... earthly
remains. If you have no
objections, of course.
HAMLET
Sorry, boys, the body stays hidden.
GUILDENSTERN
Why don't you tell us where you hid
it, so we can make sure we don't
look for it there?
HAMLET
Bring me to the King.
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene III
Scene III takes place in a room in the castle.
Enter the King with ATTENDANTS.
KING
I have sent to seek him and to find
the body. How dangerous is it that
this man goes loose!
Enter Rosencrantz.
KING
Well? Did you find the body?
ROSENCRANTZ
No, your majesty. He wouldn't tell
us where it is.
KING
Then where is Hamlet?
ROSENCRANTZ
Guildenstern! Bring in Hamlet.
Enter Guildenstern and Hamlet.
KING
Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius?
HAMLET
At supper.
KING
Supper? Where?
HAMLET
Not where he eats, but where he is
eaten. By maggots. Do you realize
that we fatten chickens and cows to
fatten ourselves, and we fatten
ourselves to fatten maggots. But
who do the maggots fatten? It's
time the maggots learned that
there's no free lunch. So here's
your bill for Polonius. Oh, I'm
sorry, I thought you were a maggot.
KING
Hamlet!!! Where is Polonius?
HAMLET
In heaven. You can send a
messenger to find him. If he's not
there, seek him in the other place
yourself. If you don't find him in
a month, you should be able to nose
him out as you go up the stairs
into the lobby.
KING
(to the Attendants)
Go seek him there.
HAMLET
He will stay till you come.
Exeunt the Attendants.
KING
Hamlet, I've arranged for you to go
to England. I want you to leave at
once!
HAMLET
Anything you say. To England!
Farewell, Mother.
KING
I'm your uncle, Hamlet, and your
step-father.
HAMLET
Well, why not take another step and
be a mother. After all, father and
mother are man and wife; man and
wife are one flesh. You are one
flesh aren't you? You look more
like a flush. A royal flush, if
you like.
Hamlet turns to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and
gestures for them to follow him.
HAMLET
Come, for England!
Exit Hamlet.
KING
Follow him! And do not forget the
commission I gave you! Deliver it
to the English King!
ROSENCRANTZ
Don't worry, your majesty. We'll
take care of everything. Come,
Guildenstern.
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
My commission orders the present
death of Hamlet. The King of
England owes me a favor. Do it,
England! Until I know my son-in-
law is dead, I cannot rest easy.
Exit the King.
**************************************************
Scene IV
Scene IV takes place on a plain in Denmark. Enter
a CAPTAIN and several SOLDIERS from Fortinbras's
army. Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Good sir, whose powers are these?
CAPTAIN
They are of Norway, sir, led by
young Fortinbras. We await
permission from the Danish King for
our army to pass through his lands
on the way to Poland.
HAMLET
What's in Poland?
CAPTAIN
The King of Norway would not permit
young Fortinbras to attack Denmark,
so we are attacking Poland instead.
HAMLET
What for?
CAPTAIN
Young Fortinbras hopes to gain a
little patch of ground, that has no
worth for farming or any other
value, save as an excuse for the
shedding of blood.
HAMLET
I see.
CAPTAIN
God be with you, sir.
Exeunt the Captain and soldiers.
ROSENCRANTZ
Will you come, my lord? We have
almost reached the harbor from
whence we sail to England.
HAMLET
I'll be with you in a minute. I
feel another soliloquy coming on.
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Twenty thousand men march to their
graves for a worthless plot of
land. Why can't I do anything that
violent, or that funny? Everyone
thinks young Fortinbras is a great
prince because he's going to kill
all those people, and all I've
killed is old Polonius. Some
leader I am! Of course, Young
Fortinbras has an advantage -- he's
got an entire army to sacrifice for
a useless cause. Whose lives have
I got to throw away?
Re-enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
ROSENCRANTZ
The boat awaits you, my lord.
HAMLET
Tell me, boys, how would you two
like to serve your country?
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene V
Scene V takes place in a room in the castle at
Elsinore. Enter the King, the Queen and Horatio.
QUEEN
I will not see her.
HORATIO
I don't blame you. She's crazy.
All she does is sing crazy songs
all the time, and she's always
telling everyone about her father's
death, and how it's all your fault.
KING
What? You mean she is sewing
discord among the people?
HORATIO
What cord?
KING
Discord!
HORATIO
What cord?
KING
Discord!
HORATIO
You keep saying, "dis cord," but I
don't see any cord.
KING
I said she sews discord.
HORATIO
No, she doesn't sew any cords, but
she plays some chords when she
sings her crazy songs. She keeps
acting crazy all the time. I've
never seen anyone act so crazy.
QUEEN
Let her come in. We had better
find out if she is stirring up
trouble among the rabble.
Horatio exits, and comes back with Ophelia, who
seems to be doing an imitation of Hamlet, loping
across the stage with a cigar in her mouth. She
carries a lute, or a banjo, or some other stringed
instrument.
OPHELIA
Where's the beauteous Queen of
Denmark? There, if that doesn't
convince you I'm crazy, nothing
will!
QUEEN
Ophelia!
OPHELIA
Oh, feel - yaself! What kind of a
name is Ophelia, anyway?? Is it
any wonder the boys all think I'm
easy? Oh well, easy come, easy go.
She starts to strum on the musical instrument she
carries.
OPHELIA
My first number is, "He Is Dead And
Gone."
She sings:
OPHELIA
He is dead and gone, lady,
He is dead and gone.
We did not want him dead and here,
So he is dead and gone.
KING
She is distracted by her father's
death.
OPHELIA
Let's not talk about that! My
second number is called "Saint
Valentine's Day."
She sings:
OPHELIA
Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day,
And as the sun did shine,
I came, a maid, at your window,
To be your valentine.
Then up he rose, and donned his
clothes,
And opened wide the door,
Let in the maid, and made the maid,
So she was a maiden no more.
By gosh, and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and cry for shame!
Young men will do it, if they can
do it.
By cock, they are to blame!
Quoth she, "Before you tumbled me,
You promised me to wed."
He answers:
"So would I have done, by yonder
sun,
If thou hadst not come to my bed."
QUEEN
Oh, poor Ophelia.
OPHELIA
I'm not finished yet!
Ophelia continues her song:
OPHELIA
Quoth she, "That is hypocrisy,
For you begged me into your bed!
So marry me quick, or I'll cut off
thy wick-
Ed tongue!" And so they were wed!
HORATIO
Say, does she remind you of the man
who comes to fix the sink?
KING
How long has she been like this?
OPHELIA
Tell me, do you think it's all
right for a girl to marry a guy
who's killed her father, or is that
considered a breach of social
etiquette? The guy who did it is
a real son of a breach. I don't
think my brother is going to like
this. Maybe you should do
something to make it up to him,
like name him as your heir. Heir
today, and gone tomorrow!
Exit Ophelia. The King orders Horatio to follow
her.
KING
Guard her closely! Keep a careful
watch, I pray you. Her grief has
driven her mad.
HORATIO
Don't worry. I'll guard her.
Exit Horatio.
KING
This is all Hamlet's fault! First
he went mad and spurned her love;
then he killed her father; and now
we have had to bury Polonius
quietly and without ceremony.
Worst of all, I have heard that
Laertes has secretly returned from
France, and the people have fed him
vicious rumors about his father's
death!
Loud noises come from off stage.
QUEEN
What is this noise?
Enter a MESSENGER.
KING
What's the matter?
MESSENGER
Laertes has returned. The people
have welcomed him and they cry that
they choose him for their king! I
fear they will break down the
doors!
A crash of doors being broken open is heard off
stage. Enter Laertes.
LAERTES
What has happened to my father?
QUEEN
Calm down, good Laertes!
LAERTES
First tell me what has happened to
my father! If he was murdered, I
must be revenged! That is my duty
as his son!
KING
Believe me, Laertes, I am guiltless
of thy father's death, and I grieve
for him. When I tell you the whole
story, you will see that you have
no cause to blame me.
Enter Ophelia, still doing a mad impersonation of
Hamlet. This time, in addition to her musical
instrument, she carries several large bunches of
flowers.
LAERTES
Ophelia!!! Have you gone mad?
Ophelia sings.
OPHELIA
And will he not come again?
And will he not come again?
They laid him deep in his grave,
'Cause his flesh was decayed,
So he'd better not come again!
She hits the King and Queen in their faces with
flowers.
OPHELIA
Here, have some flowers! You too!
Well, aren't you going to put them
in water? Do you want them to rot,
like my father? Go put them in
water!
The King and Queen exit with their flowers.
Ophelia drops her feigned madness, and speaks
quickly to her startled brother.
OPHELIA
Hush! I'm only feigning madness,
and while I pretend, I stir up the
angry populace, and prepare your
path to the throne of Denmark!
LAERTES
But, Hamlet. . .
OPHELIA
Hamlet doesn't stand a chance
anymore! It would surprise me if
Claudius hasn't already arranged
for his death. My only chance for
power is to have you crowned King.
LAERTES
What are you going to do?
OPHELIA
I have arranged with my handmaidens
to fake my own death. I will
appear to have drowned, and the
people will be so angered, and
Claudius will feel so guilty, he
must name you as heir to the
throne. Once that is done, and
they lay me in the ground for
burial, you must leap into my grave
and pray for me. I will revive as
if it were by a miracle.
LAERTES
It may work!
OPHELIA
It is bound to work, if you play
your part. Just make certain you
claim my body as soon as you hear
that I have drowned, and don't let
anyone examine me too closely.
The King re-enters, and Ophelia immediately goes
back into her act of madness.
OPHELIA
I thought I'd marry Hamlet and be a
Queen someday, but then my father
died and he left me a poor orphaned
waif. I was hoping he'd leave me
some money. Oh well, where's
there's a will, there's a waif.
Time for me to waif good-bye. Waif
not, want not! Good night! Good
night! Good-bye.
Exit Ophelia.
KING
Laertes, you must come with me, and
I will explain to you everything
about your father's death, and when
I am done you will understand it
was no fault of mine. I pray you,
come with me.
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene VI
Scene VI takes place in another room in the
castle. Enter Horatio. A SAILOR follows him in.
HORATIO
What?
The SAILOR hands a letter to Horatio.
SAILOR
Good Horatio, I have a letter for
you from Prince Hamlet.
Horatio takes the letter, and studies it intently
without saying a word. Then he hands it back to
the sailor.
HORATIO
What's it say?
SAILOR
Can't you read? I thought you were
a great scholar at the university
at Wittenberg.
HORATIO
Sure, at Wittenberg, but this is
Denmark!
SAILOR
All right, the letter says, " Dear
Horatio, It's great to be in
England. Unfortunately, I'm in
Denmark. Two days out at sea, we
were savagely attacked by a band of
pirates, freebooters, and a dozen
Shakespearean scholars. The
fighting was fierce, and we were
badly outnumbered, so I drew my
sword and joined the other side.
Before I knew it, the boats had
split up again, and I was stuck
with the scholars. After making me
promise never to perform "King
Lear," they let me off on the shore
of Denmark. Please have this
sailor bring you to me. I have
much to tell you, including the
fates of Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern and King Lear. No,
just kidding. Nothing about King
Lear. Your friend, Hamlet."
HORATIO
OK, take me to Hamlet.
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene VII
Scene VII takes place in another room in the
castle. Enter the King and Laertes.
KING
Now must your conscience my
acquaintance seal, and you must put
me in your heart as friend.
LAERTES
But why haven't you done anything
to Hamlet?
KING
I have, Laertes, but craftily, so
that I will not be blamed for his
death by the Queen, or by the
Danish people, who for some reason
unknown to me, like the Prince.
But set your mind to rest; even as
we speak, Hamlet has surely me his
death, executed by the King of
England.
Enter a MESSENGER.
KING
How now? What news?
MESSENGER
A sailor has brought a letter to
you from Hamlet.
KING
What????
The King takes the letter from the Messenger and
reads it.
KING
He's back in Denmark, I know not
how!
LAERTES
Then is he to go unpunished, and
someday follow you to the throne?
KING
Laertes, how would you like to
follow me? Help me to be rid of
Hamlet, and the succession is
thine.
LAERTES
Say on, good King.
KING
We must plan his death carefully.
I know that Hamlet is most jealous
of your skill as a swordsman. You
shall have a sporting match with
him. We will arrange that Hamlet's
sword shall be blunted, as befits a
friendly duel, but your sword shall
be unbated so that you may, as if
it were by accident, run him
through.
LAERTES
I'll do it. And what is more, to
make certain his death, I'll anoint
my sword with a deadly poison, so
that even if I do but scratch him,
he must die.
KING
And I'll prepare a chalice of
poisoned wine for him to drink, so
that if he should escape your
envenomed blade, our purpose will
hold.
LAERTES
And should that fail, I will
arrange a chandelier to fall upon
him!
KING
And I will build a trap door above
a pit of hungry crocodiles so
that... No, on second thought,
let's just stick with the envenomed
sword and the poisoned wine. That
should be sufficient to ensure his
death. There's no point in
overdoing it.
They shake hands. Enter the Queen. She is very
upset.
KING
How now, sweet Queen!
QUEEN
Your sister's drowned, Laertes!
LAERTES
Drowned!
QUEEN
There is a willow which grows
beside a brook. Ophelia went there
to pick flowers. She was holding
onto a branch which broke, and sent
her tumbling into the brook. In
her madness she did not even try to
save herself, but sang snatches of
old tunes as she sank beneath the
surface of the brook. When her
handmaidens pulled her out, they
said she was dead.
Laertes pretends to be overcome with grief.
LAERTES
Drowned.
Abruptly, Laertes ends his act and says good-bye
to the King.
LAERTES
Adieu, my lord.
Exit Laertes.
KING
Let's follow, Gertrude! How much I
had to do to calm his rage! Now
fear I this will give it start
again; therefore let's follow.
Exeunt.
***********************************************************************
Act V
Scene I
Scene I takes place in a cemetery in a churchyard
in Elsinore. There is a deep grave which is
almost completed. Enter a GRAVEDIGGER who starts
to finish digging the grave. Enter Hamlet and
Horatio.
HAMLET
I will speak to this fellow. Whose
grave's this, sirrah?
GRAVEDIGGER
Mine, sir.
HAMLET
I think it be thine indeed, for
thou liest in it.
Hamlet turns and speaks to the audience.
HAMLET
Well, what do you want from a joke
that's over 350 years old?
GRAVEDIGGER
I don't lie. I have dug the grave,
and so therefore it is mine.
HAMLET
What man do you dig it for?
GRAVEDIGGER
For no man, sir.
HAMLET
What woman then?
GRAVEDIGGER
For none neither.
HAMLET
Then who is to be buried in it?
GRAVEDIGGER
One that was a woman, sir; but rest
her soul, she's dead.
HAMLET
I think you'd better dig some
graves for these jokes. How long
have you been a gravedigger?
GRAVEDIGGER
I started this occupation the day
our late King Hamlet overcame old
Fortinbras. That was the day
Prince Hamlet was born.
The Gravedigger continues digging the grave. He
comes upon a skull, and tosses it out of the
grave.
GRAVEDIGGER
This graveyard's getting crowded.
This skull has been in the earth a
long time.
HAMLET
Whose was it?
GRAVEDIGGER
That was Yorick's skull, the King's
jester.
Hamlet picks up the skull and looks at it sadly.
He speaks somberly. In fact, this is the only
time in the entire play when Hamlet is completely
and genuinely serious.
HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him,
Horatio. A funny little man with a
derby hat and a bamboo cane. He
wore a jacket that was too small
and shoes that were too large. He
used to walk a splayfooted walk,
all the while twirling his cane.
And he had a tiny little mustache
which he used to twitch back and
forth when he was upset. He was a
funny little man. And the last
time I saw him, he was a pink-
faced, white-haired old man who
kept patting my hand and saying,
"Keep warm. Keep warm." It
doesn't seem fair that the
comedians should have to die, just
like everyone else.
Suddenly Hamlet is no longer serious.
HAMLET
Oh well.
He casually tosses the skull over his shoulder and
kicks it away (just as Yorick would have done).
Hamlet hears people approaching from off stage.
HAMLET
But soft! Here comes the King, the
Queen, and the courtiers. Let's
hide and see what's going on.
Hamlet and Horatio hide behind some gravestones.
Enter the King, Queen, Laertes and COURTIERS.
They carry the body of Ophelia wrapped in a
shroud. The body remains covered by the shroud
throughout the entire scene, so we never actually
see the body of Ophelia.
LAERTES
Lay my sister's body in the earth,
and from her fair and unpolluted
flesh may violets spring!
The body of Ophelia is gently placed in the grave.
HAMLET
What? Is that Ophelia?
QUEEN
Farewell, Ophelia. I had hoped you
would have been my Hamlet's bride.
I thought to have decked your
bridal bed with flowers, instead of
thy grave.
LAERTES
Speak not the hated name of Hamlet!
His wicked deed has caused her
death!
The Gravedigger prepares to shovel dirt into the
grave.
LAERTES
Wait! Hold off the earth awhile,
till I have caught her once more in
my arms.
Laertes climbs down into the grave.
LAERTES
Oh heaven, I would give up my
newly-granted claim of succession
to the throne, to be buried with
her now.
Hamlet springs up from his hiding place.
HAMLET
Hey! Get out of that grave! If
anyone has a right to give up the
throne to be buried with her, it is
I, Hamlet the Dane!
Hamlet leaps into the grave. There is a horrible
crunching sound as he lands, and perhaps a moan
from Ophelia.
LAERTES
Get off my sister! You just jumped
onto my sister!
Laertes pushes Hamlet off of the body of Ophelia.
LAERTES
Ophelia!
Laertes grabs the body. Hamlet tries to pull it
away, banging the body against the sides of the
grave. There are faint muffled cries coming from
the shroud, but no one notices them.
HAMLET
Give her back!
Laertes and Hamlet have a vicious tug-of-war with
the body. Suddenly, Hamlet lets go, and the body
slams into the side of the grave with a sickening
thud.
HAMLET
OK! OK, I can tell when I'm not
welcome.
Hamlet climbs out of the grave and exits. Laertes
peeks inside the shroud and shudders. He angrily
turns to the gravedigger.
LAERTES
You might as well go ahead and bury
her now! She's dead.
Laertes exits sadly.
KING
Gertrude, we must set some watch
over your son!
Exeunt.
**************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a hall in the castle.
Enter Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET
So much for this. You do remember
all the circumstance?
HORATIO
Sure. Your father, he's a ghost,
so you go crazy. Then you put on a
play, but your uncle doesn't like
it, so you kill Polonius. His
daughter Ophelia wants to marry
you, but you go to England with
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, so
she drowns herself.
HAMLET
Is that what's been happening? I
certainly am lucky to have you
around to explain these things to
me. Anyway, let me tell you what
happened to me on the voyage to
England. The first night on the
ship I couldn't sleep, so I decided
to get something to read. What I
decided to get was the commission
which Claudius had given to
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. I
snuck into their cabin and took the
commission. It wasn't very
interesting until I got to the part
that said that for the good of
England and of Denmark, and for the
peace that stands between them,
without delay, Prince Hamlet's head
should be cut off!!!
HORATIO
Was that the most interesting part?
HAMLET
I thought so. Didn't you think it
was interesting?
Horatio is undecided.
HORATIO
Well ...
HAMLET
I know the writing was a little
flat, so I decided to make a few
revisions. I rewrote the
commission so that it said that for
the good of England and of Denmark,
and for the peace that stands
between them, without delay, Hamlet
should be given lots of money and
beautiful naked women.
Hamlet smiles proudly at Horatio.
HAMLET
Don't you think that's better?
HORATIO
Why didn't you say Horatio should
get the money and women? Then
you'd have something!
HAMLET
You mean you'd have something! I
put the commission back in
Rosencrantz's and Guildenstern's
cabin. Unfortunately, the next day
we were attacked by pirates, and I
never got to England. Oh, I almost
forgot, ... I did make one other
small change in the commission,
it's hardly worth mentioning,
really.
HORATIO
What was that?
HAMLET
I told the English King to have
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern put to
death.
Horatio looks accusingly at Hamlet, who looks a
little embarrassed.
HAMLET
Well, they deserved it, spying on
me for Claudius! Anyway, this kind
of thing suits them. I can just
imagine their reaction when they
find out what the commission says.
I can see them in my mind's eye....
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern with the
English EXECUTIONER.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well, Guildenstern, here's another
fine mess you've gotten me into.
Guildenstern starts weeping. He tries to speak
through his tears.
GUILDENSTERN
But I didn't do anything! I....
The English Executioner leads them off stage.
HORATIO
Hey, who's that coming?
HAMLET
Oh, that's just Osric, the
courtier.
Enter OSRIC, a young courtier.
OSRIC
Your lordship is welcome back to
Denmark. I bring word from the
King. He proposes to place a wager
on a friendly, sporting duel
between yourself and young Laertes.
The King shall wager that in a
dozen passes of the sword, Laertes
shall not exceed you by three hits.
HORATIO
Hey, that's good! That sounds like
fun.
HAMLET
You think so? All right, tell the
King I'll do it, any time he's
ready.
OSRIC
I shall tell him, my lord.
Exit Osric. Horatio also exits, and Hamlet calls
out after him.
HAMLET
Hey, where are you going?
HORATIO
To place a bet against you.
Exit Horatio.
HAMLET
It's nice to have the confidence of
your friends. There's something
that bothers me about this duel.
My stepfather, who's already tried
to kill me once, has set up a
fencing match with Laertes, who
also hates me. But Horatio seems
to think the match is a good idea,
which means I must be crazy to
agree to it! But what will come
will come. The readiness is all.
And I don't think I'm ready yet!!!
Enter the King, Queen, Laertes, Osric and various
other Courtiers and Attendants. A moment later
Horatio enters, having placed his bet.
KING
Come, Hamlet, come and take this
hand from me.
The King gives Laertes' hand to Hamlet. They
shake hands.
HAMLET
Laertes, I want you to know that
I'm sorry I killed your father and
caused the death of your sister,
but I'll forgive and forget if you
will.
LAERTES
(coldly)
I am satisfied.
HAMLET
Then let's play the match. Give us
the foils.
KING
Give them the foils, young Osric.
Osric brings Hamlet and Laertes two identical,
bated fencing foils. Laertes and Hamlet each take
one.
LAERTES
This is too heavy for me. Let me
see another.
Osric takes Laertes' foil, and goes off stage to
get another one.
HAMLET
This one seems OK.
Osric re-enters with a huge unbated sword for
Laertes. It is much larger than Hamlet's sword.
Laertes takes the giant, deadly sword and takes a
practice lunge.
LAERTES
Yes, that's better.
HAMLET
Say, are these weapons all of the
same length?
OSRIC
Of course, my lord.
HAMLET
I just wanted to make sure mine
wasn't longer. I'd hate to have an
unfair advantage.
KING
Very well. Let the match begin!
Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet is fairly fast
and agile, and his footwork is unique. He manages
to avoid being hit by Laertes' sword.
HAMLET
You know, Laertes, you should play
Horatio sometime. He's an expert
on fencing. He'll fence anything
he can get his hands on.
Hamlet manages to hit Laertes.
HAMLET
One!
LAERTES
No.
HAMLET
Judgment?
OSRIC
A hit, a very palpable hit.
The King offers Hamlet the poisoned chalice of
wine.
KING
Congratulations, Hamlet. Here is a
chalice of wine for your
refreshment.
HAMLET
Nice try, Claudius, but it won't
work.
KING
What do you mean, Hamlet?
HAMLET
I know what you're up to, trying to
get me drunk! I'm staying sober
for this match!
Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet scores another
hit.
HAMLET
Another hit! What say you?
LAERTES
A touch, a touch, I do confess it.
The Queen takes the poisoned chalice.
QUEEN
I drink to thy good fortune,
Hamlet.
KING
Gertrude, do not drink!
QUEEN
I will, my lord; I pray you pardon
me.
She drinks. The King speaks quietly to himself.
KING
It is the poisoned cup; it is too
late.
HAMLET
Come, Laertes.
They fence for a while, but no one is hit. They
pause.
OSRIC
Nothing ether way.
LAERTES
Have at you now!
Suddenly, Laertes stabs at Hamlet before the match
has started again. Hamlet is scratched by the
envenomed sword.
HAMLET
That was an unthrustworthy attack!
They start to fence again in earnest. Laertes
drops his sword. Hamlet exchanges swords with
him. Hamlet wounds Laertes. Suddenly, the Queen
falls.
OSRIC
Look to the Queen!
KING
She swoons to see them bleed.
QUEEN
No, no, the drink, the drink, --
Oh, my dear Hamlet, -- the drink,
the drink --
Hamlet picks up the chalice and offers it to her.
HAMLET
You want a drink?
QUEEN
I am poisoned!
She dies.
HAMLET
What???
Laertes falls.
LAERTES
Hamlet, thou art slain.
HAMLET
Don't be ridiculous! This is a
comedy!
LAERTES
Thou art slain! The treacherous
instrument is in thy hand, unbated
and envenomed. Thy mother's
poisoned. The King, the King's to
blame!
Hamlet is furious. He turns to face Claudius.
HAMLET
Thou incestuous, murderous, damned
Dane, I'll kill you now!!!
However, before Hamlet can act, he starts thinking
again.
HAMLET
But which shall I use, the
envenomed sword or the poisoned
drink? The sword would be more
bloody and more certain, but it
would seem too like an honorable
soldier's death. The poison is a
more ignominious end, but there is
little left, and how can I be sure
he'd drink it down. On the other
hand, maybe I shouldn't kill him at
all, now that his treachery is
known to all, but let him live on
in disgrace, until the people do
....
Everyone who is still alive yells at Hamlet.
ALL
Kill him already! Make up your
mind and kill him!!!
HAMLET
Oh, what the hell!
Hamlet stabs Claudius with the envenomed sword,
and at the same time pours the poisoned drink down
his throat. Claudius dies.
LAERTES
He is justly served. Exchange
forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet!
I blame you not for mine and my
father's death. Blame me not for
thine!
Laertes dies. Hamlet collapses, and Horatio goes
to him.
HAMLET
I am dying, Horatio. I'd always
hoped the ending would be funnier
than this.
HORATIO
You want me to tell some jokes?
HAMLET
I didn't think I'd die, as long as
I kept this a comedy. Maybe
killing Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern wasn't such a funny
idea after all. Horatio, how is it
that you're the only major
character to survive? The only one
in the entire play?
HORATIO
It's funny you should ask. I
didn't think I was gonna live. In
fact, I was so sure I was gonna
die, I bet this guy named Will
Shakespeare 200 kroner that I'd die
before the play was over, and what
do you think happens? I lose the
bet! Just my luck, huh?
HAMLET
The rest is silence.
Hamlet dies. The sound of military drums comes
from off stage.
HORATIO
Hey, what's that noise?
Osric runs off stage to find out. He returns.
OSRIC
Young Fortinbras, with conquest
comes from Poland.
Enter YOUNG FORTINBRAS and some of his soldiers.
Young Fortinbras has a ski-slope shaped nose, and
speaks with rapid-fire delivery.
FORTINBRAS
Hi, this is Young "Happy To Be Back In Denmark"
Fortinbras, and I gotta tell you, I thought I'd
seen bloodshed in Poland, but this is ridiculous.
I was going to give the Danish court a twenty-one
gun salute, but it looks like someone beat me to
it. You know, a funny thing happened on the way
to the castle. I ran into the English Ambassador,
and he told me that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
are dead. I said, "Who isn't?" But I love
Elsinore, it's gotta be the only place on Earth
where they built a moat to protect the people
outside from the violence inside the castle. But
seriously, folks, such a sight as this becomes the
field, but here shows much amiss. Go bid the
soldiers shoot.
Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a
peal of ordinance is shot off.
**************************************************
THE END
copyright 1995 by Richard Nathan
You can sent the author e-mail inquiries at:
Richard-Nathan@worldnet.att.net.
or at: SWSS18A@prodigy.com
Hosted by
Get your own
Free Home Page.