HOW SHARPER THAN A SERPENT'S TOOTH
IT IS TO HAVE A THANKLESS CHILD

an issue as to his legitimacy.

KENT
I don't understand

EDMUND
He means I'm a little bastard.

KENT
Oh.


GLOUCESTER
Edmund, say hello to the Earl
of Kent and remember him as my
honorable friend.

EDMUND
As opposed to all your
dishonorable chums.

GLOUCESTER
Perhaps I should be ashamed of
having a son out of wedlock,
but I was a young rake in my
salad days.

EDMUND
And now you're an old wreck,
and your salad is wilted.

GLOUCESTER
All the women liked my looks,
but Edmund's mother appreciated
my finer qualities...

EDMUND
The gold, the silver, the
estate...

GLOUCESTER
Edmund! Do you think your
mother was interested only in
the money I gave her.

EDMUND
No! No! She was also after
the money you didn't give her!

GLOUCESTER
I'm ashamed to hear you talk
that way!

EDMUND
I could talk better if you'd
give me a larger allowance.

GLOUCESTER
You always want money for being
good. Why can't you like your
legitimate brother Edgar? He
never wants anything for being
good.

EDMUND
Yes, he's good for nothing.

GLOUCESTER
Shhhh! The King is coming.

Enter KING LEAR, a stout man with a bulbous nose.
Following him are his eldest daughter GONERIL, her
husband the DUKE OF ALBANY, Lear's middle daughter REGAN,
her husband the DUKE OF CORNWALL, and Lear's youngest
daughter CORDELIA. Also enter various ATTENDANTS.

KING LEAR
Gloucester! Attend the lords
of France and Burgundy!

GLOUCESTER
I shall, my Lord.

Gloucester bows and exits, taking Edmund with him.

KING LEAR
Present the map!

An Attendant holds up a map of England. The King points
to it with his scepter and accidentally pierces it. He
pulls the map off the scepter and hands it back to the
Attendant.

KING LEAR
(handing back the
map)
Careful with that thing!

The King again points to the map, but is careful not to
pierce it this time.

KING LEAR
Know that we have divided our
kingdom into thirds, and 'tis
our intent to shake all cares
and business from our age,
conferring them on younger
strengths, while we unburdened
crawl toward death.

Goneril snorts with contempt.


GONERIL
If he's lay off the booze, he
could walk toward death.

The King glares at Goneril, but doesn't say anything to
her.

KING LEAR
Before we bestow the divisions
of our domain, we shall propose
this inquiry: tell us,
daughters, which of you shall
we say loves us most? Goneril,
our eldest born, speak first.

GONERIL
I love you more than words can
say. Beyond all, no less than
life, as much as any child ever
loved, and more than that I
love you.

KING LEAR
Good. Very good. (He gestures
to the map.) All this land, we
confer to you and your husband
Albany. What says our second
daughter, our Regan, wife of
Cornwall. Speak.

REGAN
I find my sister echoes my
love, only her words fall
short. I won't allow any other
feelings, thoughts or senses to
interfere with my love for my
father.

GONERIL
I meant to say that, but I so
absorbed in feeling love for my
father, I forgot to mention it.

REGAN
I'm sorry. Did you say
something? I was so busy
loving my father, I didn't hear
a word you said.

Goneril starts chanting.

GONERIL
I love my Dad! I love my Dad!
I love my Dad!

Regan puts her hands over her own ears and chants more
loudly:

REGAN
I love him more! I love him
more!

Goneril grabs Regan by the neck and starts choking her.

GONERIL
Knock it off! I love the big
baboon just as much as you do!

Regan breaks away from Goneril and gulps in her breath
before she can speak. She decides not to argue any
longer.

REGAN
(panting for
breath)
Okay... We both... love... the
old goat... equally.

KING LEAR
You touch our heart, both of
you. To Regan and her husband
Cornwall we impart this ample
third of our fair kingdom. And
now our joy, our youngest
daughter Cordelia, what say
you?

CORDELIA
What.

KING LEAR
What say you?

CORDELIA
What!

KING LEAR
You haven't been paying
attention, have you?

CORDELIA
Yes I have.

KING LEAR
Then perhaps you will enlighten
us. What did we just inquire
of you?

CORDELIA
You asked if I'd been paying
attention.

KING LEAR
Before that!!!

CORDELIA
You mean before you asked me to
say what?

KING LEAR
Yes!

CORDELIA
I don't remember!

King Lear takes a moment to calm himself down before
proceeding.

KING LEAR
We believe we asked you to tell
us what you think of us.

CORDELIA
I think you're being awfully
silly.

GONERIL
It's clear she doesn't respect
you at all!

CORDELIA
Of course I respect him! He's
been like a father to me!

KING LEAR
I am your father!

CORDELIA
And that's why I respect you
for being like a father to me!
I wouldn't respect you for
acting like my father if you
weren't my father, would I?

GONERIL
You're not going to give this
ungrateful witch any of your
kingdom, are you?

REGAN
You can't even consider it!
After all the love we've shown
you, we deserve her share!

GONERIL
If you have any respect for
yourself at all, you'll exile
this little traitor!

KING LEAR
Silence!!! We remember, when
we were a lad, our father the
King expounded to us upon our
duties of filial love. "Prince
Lear," he said, "if every day
you demonstrate to us the
complete and total adoration
that a son owes to his
progenitor, then when we die
you shall be the king and live
in ease and luxury. But if
even once you fail to show us
perfect love, then we shall
disown you utterly, abandon you
to the elements, and leave you
to die in misery, cold and
hunger." So I killed him.
Conked him in the cranium right
then and there. No use taking
any chances, I thought.
Cordelia, we have to make sure
you won't be around to conk us
in our cranium!

CORDELIA
Oh, don't be silly! I could
never do that!

KING LEAR
You couldn't?

CORDELIA
Of course not! I don't even
know where our cranium is!

KING LEAR
Here I disclaim all my parental
care!

KENT
Good my Liege

KING LEAR
Peace, Kent! Come not between
the dragon and his wrath! We
do invest our power in Goneril
and Regan, keeping for ourself
one hundred knights and the
name of King. Our loving
daughters shall sustain and
care for us!

KENT
Royal Lear, this is madness!
You are making a terrible
mistake! It is wrong! It is
evil!

KING LEAR
What! You dare to question me!
You vassal! You miscreant!
You have ten days to leave
England forever! Out of my
sight!

KENT
Very well! Freedom lives
hence, and banishment is here!

Kent exits. Enter Gloucester, still carrying Edmund,
followed by the KING OF FRANCE and the LORD OF BURGUNDY.
The Lord of Burgundy is a vain, stingy man, who claims to
be thirty-nine, but is in fact quite a bit older. The
King of France smokes a cigar and smiles between puffs.

CORNWALL
Here are the King of France the
and Lord of Burgundy, my noble
Lord.


KING LEAR
My Lord of Burgundy, you and
the King of France have been
rivals for our daughter,
Cordelia. What is the smallest
dowry you would require to take
her as your wife?

BURGUNY
For this wonderful girl? I
hate to ask anything, and I
certainly wouldn't expect more
than what you've already
offered, your Highness, a third
of your kingdom.

KING LEAR
That was what we offered when
she was dear to us, but now her
price has fallen.

CORDELIA
He's mad because I said he was
like my father.

KING LEAR
This ungrateful wretch wouldn't
say how much she loved me!

BURGUNDY
Is that all? I'm sure she
didn't mean anything wrong.
She's so young, and tender and
innocent. So unspoiled...

KING LEAR
So I've disinherited her!

BURGUNDY
Why that slut!!!

KING OF FRANCE
I'll take her!

KING LEAR
She is yours! I never wish to
see her face again!

Lear exits, followed by everyone except for Burgundy, the
King of France, Cordelia, Goneril and Regan.

BURGUNDY
But why do you want her? She
hasn't any dowry!

KING OF FRANCE
Are you kidding? If I ever get
tired of being King of France,
she'd be worth a fortune in
vaudeville. Say goodnight,
Cordelia.

CORDELIA
Goodnight everybody.

The King of France leads Cordelia off. Burgundy follows
them.

REGAN
Can you believe it? He gave us
everything and disinherited
Cordelia.

GONERIL
Is he crazy or just drunk?

REGAN
Both, I'd say.

GONERIL
We'd better be careful, or he
could turn against us the same
way he turned against Cordelia
and Kent!

REGAN
We shall further think on it.

GONERIL
We must do something!



*********************************************************

Scene 2

Edmund sits in a window frame (so that the actor playing
Gloucester may operate him from behind and below the
window) in the castle of the Earl of Gloucester. Edmund
holds a letter in his hand. (Okay, being a
ventriloquist's dummy, he can't exactly hold the letter,
but it is in his hand.)

EDMUND
Thou, Nature, art my Goddess.
I don't believe in man made
laws. Why should my brother
Edgar get everything, just
because my father had the bad
taste to marry Edgar's mother?
Well, I'll soon take care of
that. Ooops, here comes Dad.

Edmund becomes still. A moment later, Gloucester enters
and picks him up.

GLOUCESTER
Hello, Edmund. I can't get
over what happened in Court
today! Kent banished!
Cordelia disinherited!

Edmund waves the letter back and forth, as though fanning
himself with it.

EDMUND
Yes, and it certainly is warm
in here, isn't it?

He continues to wave the letter, but Gloucester ignores
it. Finally, Edmund hits Gloucester in the face with it.

GLOUCESTER
What is that thing?

EDMUND
What, this? I was hoping you
wouldn't notice it. It's just
a letter from Edgar.

GLOUCESTER
Oh, is that all? I certainly
am upset about what happened in
court today. Kent banished!!!

EDMUND
Yes, there's no reason for you
to be interested in this
letter. I'm sure Edgar was
just kidding when he said he
wanted to kill you!

GLOUCESTER
What?

EDOMND
He said he wanted to kill you
for your money.

GLOUCESTER
Let me see that!

Gloucester grabs the letter, opens it, and reads it
aloud.

GLOUCESTER
"Dear Edmund, I want to kill
Dad for his money. Love,
Edgar." Are you sure Edgar
wrote this? I didn't even know
he could write.

EDMUND
Well, um, he dictated it to me.
That's how I know for certain
it's from him!

GLOUCESTER
This is monstrous! He's a
villain! An abhorred villain!
Unnatural, detested, brutish
villain! Worse than brutish!

EDMUND
He isn't very nice, is he?

Gloucester placed Edmund back in the window, and starts
to exit.

GLOUCESTER
(as he exits)
I'll find him and have him
punished. My horoscope
predicted there was trouble
coming. We're in for bad
times, I'm afraid!

Gloucester exits.

EDMUND
You don't know the half of it!

Edgar enters through the window Edmond is sitting in, and
sits beside Edmund. Edgar is played by another
ventriloquist's dummy. (Or, like Edmund, he could be
played by a live actor, but the stage directions will
assume he is a dummy.) He is an incredibly stupid,
bucktoothed hayseed.

EDMUND
Edgar! Just the man I want to
see. Do you know something?

EDGAR
Uh, nope! Nope. Probably not.

EDMUND
Someone's been saying bad
things about you to our father.
Do you have any idea who might
have done it?

EDGAR
Well... um... let's see... I'm
pretty sure it wasn't me.

EDMUND
Good. We'll rule you out. Has
anyone else been criticizing
you?

EDGAR
Yup. Uh.. hmmm... Somebody
said... I should be able to
remember this... They said...
um... I know they said
something...

EDMUND
You haven't got a clue, have
you?

EDGAR
That's it! That's what they
said!

EDMUND
Edgar, how can you be so
stupid?

EDGAR
I get a lot of practice.

EDMUND
You're in terrible trouble!
Your life is in danger!

EDGAR
Yup! Well, that's the way it
goes.

EDMUND
You have to hide until I tell
you things are safe.

EDGAR
Um....Thanks!

Edgar exits out the window.

EDMUND
Let me, if not by birth, have
lands by wit. All with me's
meet that I can fashion fit.



*********************************************************

Scene 3

In the castle of the Duke of Albany, Goneril talks to
OSWALD, her steward.

GONERIL
Did my father strike you for
chiding of his Fool?

OSWALD
Aye, Madam.

GONERIL
By day and night, he wrongs me!
I'll not endure it. When he
returns from hunting, I will
not speak with him. Say I am
sick.

OSWALD
Yes, Madam.


GONERIL
And let his knights have colder
looks among you. I will write
to my sister and tell her to
hold my very course. Prepare
for dinner!

Goneril exits one way, and Oswald goes off in the other
direction.



*********************************************************


Scene 4

In another part of the castle of the Duke of Albany, Kent
enters, disguised as a peasant. He no longer wears a
beard.

KENT
Now banished Kent, although the
King thinks you are gone, in
this disguise, with your beard
shaven off, you may yet do him
service unrecognized.

Enter King Lear with KNIGHTS and other ATTENDANTS.

KING LEAR
Home are the hunters, home from
the hunt! I performed
prodigious feats of
marksmanship today, if I might
exhale into my own hunting
horn. What did I slay today
with my mighty bow and arrows?

An Attendant looks at a list of the creatures killed by
the King.

ATTENDANT
Let's see: you shot your best
bloodhound, one horse, two cows
and a serf.

KING LEAR
No boars?


ATTENDANT
No boars.

KING LEAR
What about the serf. Wouldn't
you say he was a bit
uncultivated... somewhat crude?

ATTENDANT
Well, he wasn't exactly
genteel.

KING LEAR
Put him down as a boar.

The Attendant corrects his list.

KING LEAR
(triumphantly)
The King hath killed a boar!

The King notices Kent.

KING LEAR
Who are you?

KENT
A man, no less than I seem.

KING LEAR
No more, either. What do you
want?

KENT
To serve you!

KING LEAR
Fine! Serve me a bottle of the
good stuff. I'm thirsty.

Kent bows and exits.

KING LEAR
And I want my dinner, and my
daughter, and my fool!

ATTENDANT
Since Cordelia went to France,
the Fool has pined away.


KING LEAR
No more of that!

Oswald enters and crosses the stage.

KING LEAR
You! Where's my daughter?

Oswald exits, ignoring the King.

KING LEAR
Didn't I just speak? Can't a
monarch get any service in this
establishment?

Kent comes back with a bottle of wine upon a tray.

KING LEAR
About time!

King Lear takes a good strong drink from the bottle.

KING LEAR
Where's my Fool? I haven't
seen my Fool for two days!

Oswald enters and starts to cross the stage again.

KING LEAR
It's you again. Do you know
who I am?

Oswald ignores the King again, but Kent grabs him and
brings him before the King.

KING LEAR
Who am I?

OSWALD
(contemptuously)
My Lady's father.

KING LEAR
Your Lady's father??? You dog!
You knave! You cur!

King Lear raises the bottle of wine to hit Oswald with
it, then realizes he doesn't want to spill any of the
wine, so he carefully puts the wine down, takes the
serving tray from Kent, and conks Oswald on top of his
head with the serving tray.

OSWALD
I'll not be struck, my Lord!

KENT
Nor tripped, neither.

Kent trips Oswald, and pushes him offstage.

KING LEAR
Well enacted. Nicely done.

Enter Lear's FOOL. The Fool wears motley, has a
greasepaint mustache, and carries a cigar. He lopes
across the stage to Kent.

FOOL
I'll say. I take my hat off to
you. In fact, I give my hat to
you.

The fool removes his hat (a coxcomb) and hands it to
Kent.

KENT
Why?

FOOL
I don't like it. It doesn't go
with my cigar. But it goes
with you. And you go with it.
And the sooner the better! Go!
Scram!

KENT
But I came here to serve the
King.

FOOL
You can take him with you. And
you can take me too. I don't
think I'm appreciated here.

The Fool breaks into song.


FOOL
(singing)
There was a King
Who had two wicked daughters,
Under the greenwood tree!
The only nice one went to
France,
Where ladies wear
Lace underpants.
Hey nonny, knobby knees!

And so my King,
I'm expecting lots of slaughter
Under the greenwood tree.
And that is why I say,
The rain
It rainth every day.
Hey nonny, knobby knees!


KING LEAR
You call that funny?

FOOL
If you think you can do better,
we could change jobs. Or did
we already do that, Nuncle?

KING LEAR
Are you calling me a fool?

FOOL
You've given away all your
other titles. That one you
were born with, Nuncle.

The Fool wags his eyebrows up and down at Lear.

KENT
Why does he keep calling you
"Nuncle"?

KING LEAR
It's short for "mine uncle," a
term of endearment.


FOOL
Actually, it's short for
"Nuncle-head," a term of
contempt. Which reminds me,
Nuncle, I've got a riddle for
you. What's the difference
between a dung heap and a
stupid old king who gives
everything away to his two
wicked daughters?

KING LEAR
A dung heap and a stupid old
king? Hmmmm. I know! The
answer is that when a fool
displeases the king, the king
can force the fool to eat the
dung heap!

FOOL
That's true. I don't know why
I didn't think of that. You
know, I'd rather be anything in
the world than a fool. Except
you. Or am I being redundant?

Goneril enters, looking angry.

KING LEAR
How now, daughter? Where have
you been?

GONERIL
Never mind that! It's time we
talked about those hundred
knights of yours! The way
they've been behaving, this
place is more like a tavern or
a brothel than a palace.

KING LEAR
(smiling)
Yes, I know. I know.

GONERIL
That was a complaint!


KING LEAR
Oh, was it? I'm sorry. I'll
have to make a mental note of
that. Palace is good; tavern
and brothel are bad.

GONERIL
What do you need all those men
for anyway? I want you to get
rid of half of them.

KING LEAR
If you insist, my child, I
shall notify them of their
termination, and advise them to
depart within a fortnight!

GONERIL
Not a fortnight! Tonight!
This instance!

KING LEAR
Might they not finish their
repast, and join me in a final
quaff of ale before they go?

GONERIL
No! I knew you'd be difficult
about this, so in order to
insure some decent behavior
around here, I just poured out
all your alcohol.

KING LEAR
(enraged)
Devils and darkness! Saddle my
horses! Thou marble-hearted
fiend! Go, go my people!

Lear's knights and attendants scurry off to get ready to
leave Albany's palace. Albany enters, confused by the
commotion. King Lear continues to berate Goneril.


KING LEAR
Blasts and fogs upon thee!
Hear me, Nature! If this
creature ever conceives a
child, let it stamp wrinkles in
her brow, and turn her pains to
laughter and contempt, so that
she may feel how sharper than a
serpent's tooth it is to have a
thankless child! Away! Away!
I have one daughter left.

Exit Lear, followed by his Fool and Kent. Only Albany
and Goneril remain on stage.

ALBANY
What's the matter?

GONERIL
Oh, I poured out all his booze.

Goneril shouts for her steward.

GONERIL
Oswald!

Oswald enters.

GONERIL
Did you write that letter to my
sister?

OSWALD
Aye, Madam.

GONERIL
Then go and deliver it to her!
Get you gone!

Oswald exits.

ALBANY
I don't like this. How far
your eyes may pierce I cannot
tell; striving to better, oft
we mar what's well.



*********************************************************

Scene 5

Outside of Albany's palace, Lear prepares to leave for
Gloucester, where he hopes to find Regan. Lear gives
instructions to Kent, while the Fool watches.

KING LEAR
Go you before with these
letters. Tell my daughter
Regan and her husband Cornwall
that I am coming.

KENT
I will not sleep, my Lord,
until I have delivered your
letter.

Kent exits.

FOOL
Do you really think Regan is
going to treat you any better
than Goneril did?

KING LEAR
She would not refuse me a
libation to wet my parched
throat.

FOOL
I suppose she might give you a
glass of water.

KING LEAR
Water!!!! No beast would show
such odious ingratitude!

FOOL
You know, you're a pretty funny
fellow. With a little
training, you could be both
Lear and his Fool and I could
go home!

KING LEAR
Let me not go mad.


FOOL
I'll teach you a riddle. This
is a classic, one of the finest
riddles of all time. Do you
know why there are no more than
seven stars in the Pleiades?

KING LEAR
Because there are not eight?

FOOL
That's a pretty good answer. I
was going to say, "To keep his
pants up." But I like your
answer better. You're pretty
smart for a man who's as stupid
as you are.

KING LEAR
Let me be not mad, sweet
heaven. I would not be mad! I
had an uncle who was mad...
Uncle Theophilus. He believed
that if he killed a lion, tore
out its heart and ate it while
yet it beat, he would gain the
strength and courage of the
lion.

FOOL
Did it work?

KING LEAR
We never found out. Uncle
Theophilus could never kill
anything larger than a duck.

FOOL
So if a lion had eaten your
Uncle Theophilus, would the
lion have gained the strength
and courage of Uncle
Theophilus, or the strength and
courage of a duck?

KING LEAR
I fear there was little
difference, my boy. Very
little indeed.

Enter a GENTLEMAN in Lear's service.

KING LEAR
Are the horse's ready?

GENTLEMAN
Ready, my Lord.

KING LEAR
Come, boy.

Everyone exits.


*********************************************************



Act II

Scene 1

A room in the Earl of Gloucester's castle. Edmund is
sitting in a window. CURAN, a courtier, enters.

EDMUND
Save thee, Curan.

CURAN
And you, Sir. I have been with
your father.

EDMUND
Oh? Did he say what he plans
to do to my brother, when he
finds him?

CURAN
No.

EDMUND
Edgar is a vile, treacherous,
depraved, scheming, murderous
villain, but aside from that,
he's a good boy. I hope my
father won't torture him too
severely before he kills him.

CURAN
Did you know the Duke of
Cornwall, and Regan his Duchess
are coming here this night?

EDMUND
No, but I'm looking forward to
seeing them again. They're
such a nice couple.

CURAN
Fare you well, sir.

Curan exits. Edmund looks around to make certain no one
is watching, then he calls to his brother.


EDMUND
Brother! Brother, come out!
The coast is clear! Edgar!

Edgar emerges from behind the window and sits next to
Edmund.

EDMUND
Where were you?

EDGAR
I don't know. I found such a
good hiding place, I couldn't
find myself. Does this mean I
win?

EDMUND
Win what?

EDGAR
Didn't I just beat you in a
game of hide and seek?

EDMUND
No!

EDGAR
Oh. You beat me?

EDMUND
You were hiding from our
father!

EDGAR
Oh! I beat him!

EDMUND
He wants to kill you!

EDGAR
Well, he is a sore loser, isn't
he!

EDMUND
He thinks you are a traitor.
Do you know what a traitor is?

EDGAR
A kid who likes to swap
baseball cards?

EDMUND
You'd better leave the castle
before he kills you - or before
I save him the trouble.

EDGAR
Where will I go?

EDMUND
I'm sure you'll think of
something.

EDGAR
Could be. They say there's a
first time for everything.

EDMUND
Get out of here!!!

Edmund gives Edgar a shove. Edgar disappears out the
window. Edmund looks after him for a moment, to make
certain Edgar is gone, then he shouts for his father:

EDMUND
Father! Father! Come quickly!
Edgar's escaping!

A moment later, Gloucester rushes on stage and picks up
Edmund.

GLOUCESTER
Where? Where's the villain?

EDMUND
Gone!

GLOUCESTER
Why didn't you stop him?

EDMUND
I tried! But he pulled a knife
on me! And a sword! And a
cudgel! And an axe!

GLOUCESTER
All that? It's lucky he didn't
kill you!


EDMUND
He tried. But all those
weapons were so heavy, when he
raised them over his head to
strike, he overbalanced and
fell out the window!

GLOUCESTER
You had a close call!

EDMUND
Yes, but I would gladly risk my
life again and again for my
beloved father, even though I'm
only his poor illegitimate son
who won't even inherit any of
his property when he kicks the
bucket!

GLOUCESTER
Don't you worry about that!
I've already changed my will,
and I'm leaving everything to
you!

EDMUND
Oh! This is so unexpected!

GLOUCESTER
Really?

EDMUND
Yes! I thought you'd need at
least a dozen more hints.

Gloucester looks offstage, and sees that Regan and
Cornwall are about to enter.

GLOUCESTER
Look who's coming!

Enter Regan and Cornwall. Cornwall grasps Gloucester by
the hand.

CORNWALL
My noble friend. We have heard
the grievous news!

EDMUND
What do you mean, grievous?
I'm gonna be rich!

REGAN
He means the news that Edgar
sought his father's life! How
are you, my Lord?

GLOUSTER
My poor old heart is cracked!
It's cracked.

EDMUND
(perking up)
Really?

Edmund listens to Gloucester's heart, and is disappointed
to hear it beating normally.

REGAN
Didn't Edgar associate with
those riotous knights that
serve my father! I blame them!
They're a bad influence! In
fact, that's one of the things
we came to talk to you about.

GLOUCESTER
(bowing)
I serve you, Madam. Your
Graces are right welcome.

Everyone exits.



*********************************************************

Scene 2

Outside Gloucester's castle, Kent and Oswald enter from
opposite sides of the stage. Oswald does not recognize
Kent.

OSWALD
Good dawning to thee, friend.
Art of this house?

KENT
Aye.

OSWALD
Where shall I put my horse?

KENT
Are you staying here a while?

OSWALD
Yes.

KENT
Then put your horse in your
room.

OSWALD
Put him in my room? What about
the smell???

KENT
He'll get used to it.

OSWALD
Why do you insult me? I don't
even know you.

KENT
I know you. Don't you remember
me, oaf? I tripped you up at
your mistress's castle. Draw
your sword!

Kent draws his sword. Oswald screams for help and
scampers away from Kent.

OSWALD
Help! Help!

Enter Gloucester, carrying Edmund, followed by Regan and
Cornwall. Cornwall and Gloucester separate Kent and
Oswald.

EDMUND
What's going on here?

REGAN
These are the messengers from
my sister and the King.

KENT
This man is a knave, a cowardly
rascal, and a whoreson lying
villain. Draw your sword, oaf!

Kent tries to go after Oswald, but Cornwall and
Gloucester keep them apart.

KENT
Whatever message this man
brings cannot be trusted.

EDMUND
(to Regan)
What message did he bring?

REGAN
That my father's men are
ruffians who are always
starting fights.

Kent looks at his own drawn sword and realized that he
cannot deny the charge.

KENT
Okay, that can be trusted. But
he is still a filthy, lily-
livered rouge!

CORNWALL
(calling off-
stage)
Fetch the stocks! We'll teach
this man a lesson!

KENT
And well he deserves to learn
it!

CORNWALL
Not him! You!!!

KENT
Me!!!

REGAN
(calling
offstage, as her
husband did)
Fetch the stocks!

KENT
But I serve the King!


REGAN
You are not fit to serve! I
cannot abide an uncouth
ruffian. Servants to the royal
family must have stature,
dignity, and above all
refinement.

Enter three Servants: The FIRST SERVANT is a mean bossy
man with his hair in bangs. The SECOND SERVANT has
particularly fuzzy hair. The THIRD SERVANT is a fat,
bald idiot. The Third Servant has his hands in the holes
of a set of stocks, as though he were imprisoned.
However, because this set of stocks is designed to hold
legs rather than arms, the holes are large enough so that
Third Servant can easily remove his arms, when he wants
to. The Three Servants greet Regan one at a time.

FIRST SERVANT
Your Highness!

The First Servant kneels, with his head bowed, upstage of
the other Servants.

SECOND SERVANT
Your Highness!

The Second Servant, kneels with his head bowed, downstage
of the other Servants.

THIRD SERVANT
We're Low-ness!

The Third Servant tries to kneel between the other
Servants, but when he does so, he hits his companions on
their head with the stocks. They scream in pain and jump
to their feet. The First Servant hits the Third Servant
on the top of his head, and the Third Servant squeals.
Then they all turn back to Regan.

FIRST SERVANT
Here are the stocks you asked
for.

THIRD SERVANT
Guess where we got it? At the
stock market!!!

The Third Servant chuckles, and the First Servant slaps
him. When the First Servant turns back to face Regan and
Cornwall, the Third Servant withdraws his right hand from
the stocks and hits the First Servant on the back of the
head. The Third Servant quickly puts his hand back in
the stocks. The First Servant turns angrily, sees that
the Third Servant has his hands in the stocks, and
decides the Second Servant must have struck him.

FIRST SERVANT
What's the big idea of hitting
me?

The First Servant slaps the Second Servant.

SECOND SERVANT
Hey, he's the one who smacked
you. He took his hand out of
the stocks!

The Second Servant points at the Third Servant, and the
First Servant eyes him suspiciously.

FIRST SERVANT
Do you promise me you can't get
your hands out of those stocks?

The Third Servant takes out his right hand and holds it
palm out as he swears.

THIRD SERVANT
I swear it!

The First Servant hits the Third Servant on the head.

EDMUND
Good help is hard to find.

CORNWALL
(pointing at
Kent)
Put this man in the stocks!

KENT
You wouldn't treat your
father's dog this way!

The Servants lock Kent's legs in the stocks.

EDMUND
That's true. I've never seen a
dog in the stocks.


CORNWALL
We'll leave him there till
noon.

REGAN
Till noon? Till night, my
Lord, and all night too!

Regan and Cornwall exit with their servants. Edmund
looks at Kent, then turns to Gloucester.

EDMUND
Can we take off his shoes and
tickle his feet?

GLOUCESTER
I don't think that would be a
good idea.

EDMUND
You're right, they're probably
filthy.

Gloucester approaches Kent.

GLOUCESTER
I'm sorry you are being treated
this way. The Duke's to blame!

Gloucester exits with Edmund.

KENT
Fortune, goodnight. Smile once
more, turn thy wheel.



*********************************************************

Scene 3

The same location, outside Gloucester's castle, with Kent
in the stocks. Edgar looks up from behind a wall, where
he has been hiding.

EDGAR
I heard... I heard... I'm
sure I heard something.

Kent notices Edgar.

KENT
Hello. Are you not Edgar who
is proclaimed a traitor
throughout the land, condemned
to die the death for plotting
to kill his own father, the
Earl of Gloucester?

EDGAR
Uh, could you repeat the
question?

KENT
Are you not Edgar who is
proclaimed a traitor throughout
the land, condemned to die the
death for plotting to kill his
own father, the Earl of
Gloucester?

EDGAR
That's starting to ring a bell.

KENT
All your father's soldiers seek
to lay their hands on you and
subject you to the most vile
torture.

EDGAR
Yup. That's the way it goes,
all right.

KENT
Did you really plot against
your father?

EDGAR
I doubt it. I'm not too good
at plotting.

KENT
You're not?

EDGAR
Nope. I have trouble plotting
to wake up in the morning.


KENT
Then you had better disguise
yourself. Grime your face with
filth, rend your clothing, and
call yourself poor Tom of
Bedlam, the mad beggar. Can
you do that, for your life
depends upon it!

EDGAR
Let's see, I grime my filth
with clothing, rend my face,
and call a beggar names until
he's mad at me. That shouldn't
be a problem.

KENT
Edgar, how can you be so
stupid?

EDGAR
I think it runs in the family.

KENT
Go hide! And remember, if
anyone finds you, you're poor
Tom!

EDGAR
Poor Tom! Poor Tom.

Edgar exits.



*********************************************************

Scene 4

The same location, outside Gloucester's castle, with Kent
still in the stocks. Enter King Lear, talking to his
Fool.

KING LEAR
'Tis strange that they should
so depart from home, and not
send back my messenger.

Kent calls to Lear from the stocks, and Lear notices him
for the first time.

KENT
Hail to thee, noble master.

KING LEAR
Ha? My messenger!!! Did you,
by any chance, voluntarily
elect to confine your limbs
within these wooden fetters?

KENT
No.

KING LEAR
Then am I to assume, as it
were, that someone else has
placed you here?

KENT
That would be a correct
assumption.

KING LEAR
Vengeance, plague, death and
confusion! This is an insult
to my royal personage!

KENT
It wasn't exactly a compliment
to me, either.

KING LEAR
Who hath committed this violent
outrage?

KENT
Regan and Cornwall.

KING LEAR
No!

KENT
Yes!

KING LEAR
No, I say!

KENT
I say yes.


KING LEAR
It is worse than murder! Stay
here!

KENT
I don't have much choice in the
matter.

King Lear goes off to enter the castle. Kent speaks to
the Fool.

KENT
Where are all the King's
followers?

FOOL
You're looking at him.

KENT
You?

FOOL
Yeah, and I'm leaving if I get
a decent offer from the King of
France. I'd make a great
French Fool.

The Fool starts imitating the sort of juvenile, silly,
over-the-top comedian who might appeal to a French King.

FOOL
(doing an
imitation)
Oh boy! I love France.
France, with the thing and the
thing and the snails to eat!

KENT
I believe the current King of
France favors Cordelia's humor.

FOOL
(dropping the
imitation)
That's any even better reason
to go.

KENT
But why have King Lear's
followers deserted him?

FOOL
If they put you in the stocks
for asking that question, you
deserved it. Kings are
supposed to be strong and
powerful. That's what makes
them popular. This King is as
powerful as a ninety year old
prostitute with an advanced
case of syphilis, but not
nearly as popular... or
attractive...or hygienic.

King Lear returns, accompanied by Gloucester, who is
carrying Edmund.

KING LEAR
Where is my offspring, my
child, my little daughter, my
issue Regan?

EDMUND
What was that last part?

KING LEAR
Issue Regan! Issue Regan!

EDMUND
No, I isn't regin'.

KING LEAR
Let me be clear.

EDMUND
You can try, but you better
sober up first.

KING LEAR
Silence, you little blockhead!
I demand to see my daughter.

GLOUCESTER
But your majesty, you can't...

KING LEAR
(interrupting)
No buts! The King can see
anyone or anything!


EDMUND
Especially after he's had a
snootful... which in your case
must be about six quarts.

KING LEAR
The King would speak with
Cornwall and his wife!

Enter Cornwall and Regan, followed by their three
servants. During the ensuing dialogue, the servants
unlock the stocks and set Kent free. Then the servants
exit.

CORNWALL
Hail to your Grace.

REGAN
I am glad to see your Highness.

KING LEAR
I think you are indeed...
unlike your sister, that sharp-
toothed vulture. You would not
give credence to the depths of
her depravity...

REGAN
(interrupting)
Oh no! Not Goneril!

KING LEAR
I hate her!

REGAN
I'm sure you misunderstood her.
You are old, and are likely to
misunderstand. I pray you,
return and tell her you have
wronged her.

KING LEAR
Apologize to her??? What would
you have me say?

King Lear gets down on his knees.


KING LEAR
(sarcastically)
Dear Daughter, I confess that I
am old. Age is unnecessary.
On my knees, I beg that you
will grant me fresh rags to
wear, straw to sleep upon, and
a tiny crust of stale bread to
eat.

Goneril enters as Lear completes his speech. She answers
him.

GONERIL
All right, but no booze!

Regan hurries to Goneril, and the two sisters kiss each
other on the cheek.

REGAN
How good of you to come and
take back our father.

GONERIL
Only if he promises to mend his
ways.

The two sisters turn to address their father.

REGAN
Exactly! You should act your
age....

GONERIL
Spend your evenings in a
rocking chair...

REGAN
Playing checkers...

GONERIL
Singing hymns...

REGAN
And drinking lemonade.


KING LEAR
(in a towering
rage)
You unnatural hags! I will
have such revenges on you both
that all the world shall... I
will do such things, what they
are yet I know not, but they
shall be the terrors of the
Earth! You think I'll weep.
No, I'll not weep. I have full
cause of weeping, but this
heart will break into a hundred
thousand fragments before I'll
weep! Oh Fool, I shall go mad!

Lear exits, followed by his Fool and Kent.

GLOUCESTER
Wait!

Gloucester runs after them.

CORNWALL
Let us withdraw. A storm is
coming.

GONERIL
Whatever happens to our father,
he's brought it on himself.

Gloucester returns.

GLOUCESTER
The King is in high rage.

GONERIL
It's his own fault!

REGAN
If he wants to run out into the
storm, let him. Maybe this
will teach him a lesson.

CONRWALL
Shut up the doors, my Lord.
'Tis a wild night. My Regan
counsels well. Come out of the
storm.


Everyone exits.



*********************************************************



Act III

Scene 1

A heath outside of the Earl of Gloucester's castle. A
storm is raging, very, very, loudly. Enter Kent from one
side of the stage and an ITALIAN GENTLEMAN from the other
side. They have to shout to hear each other above the
storm.

KENT
Who's there, besides foul
weather?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Owl leather? I haven't got any
owl leather!

KENT
Not leather! Weather!
Weather!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure it's wetter. That's what
happens when it rains.
Everything gets wetter.

KENT
(aside)
I know this man. He is brother
to the King's Fool.

Kent turns back to the Italian Gentleman and shouts to be
heard above the storm.

KENT
I seek the King!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
You sink the King?

KENT
I seek! I seek!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Well if you're sick, you
shouldn't be out here in this
storm!

KENT
I have to find King Lear. I've
heard Cordelia is coming to
Dover with an army from France.
If you see the King, take him
to Dover. Do you know where
Dover is?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure. It's d'over there!

The Italian Gentleman points in the direction of Dover.

KENT
Fie on this storm! I will go
seek the King.

Kent exits in one direction and the Italian Gentlemen
exits the other way.



*********************************************************

Scene 2

The storm continues to rage loudly in another part of the
heath. Enter King Lear and his Fool.

KING LEAR
Blow, winds, and crack your
cheeks. Rage, blow! Spit
fire! Come drench the wretched
father of Regan and Goneril!

>From high offstage, someone throws a cup of water,
representing rainfall, onto Lear. (Lear is standing
toward the side of the stage, so the water is able to
reach him.)

FOOL
If I didn't have my reputation
as a professional comic to
think of, I'd say you were all
wet.


KING LEAR
I tax you not, you elements,
with unkindness. I never gave
you kingdom, called you
children. Not like my
daughters, Regan and Goneril.

Another cupful of water is thrown from high offstage,
wetting King Lear.

KING LEAR
Here I stand, your slave, a
poor, infirm, weak, and
despised old man.

FOOL
Don't forget wet.

KENT
Alas, sir, are you here?
Things that love night love not
such nights as these.

KING LEAR
This night has joined forces
with my two pernicious
daughters, Regan and Goneril!

A cup of water is thrown from offstage onto the King.

KING LEAR
I am a man more sinned against
than sinning!

FOOL
And more wetted against than
wetting.

KENT
I know a hovel nearby, where we
may seek shelter from the
storm.

The King walks over to the Fool, and puts his arm around
him.
KING LEAR
My poor fool. Look how we are
treated by Regan and Goneril!

A cupful of water hits the King and the Fool.

KING LEAR
My wits begin to turn.

FOOL
In which direction? You know,
I can remember when I had
enough sense to come in out of
the rain. Ah, those were the
days.

KING LEAR
Come on, my boy. How dost, my
boy? Art cold? I am cold
myself.

King Lear turns to Kent.

KING LEAR
Come, bring us to this hovel!

Kent leads the others off stage.



*********************************************************

Scene 3

Gloucester's castle. Enter Gloucester, carrying Edmund.

GLOUCESTER
Alack, alack, Edmund. I like
not this unnatural dealing.

EDMUND
You sound like you've been
playing cards with King Lear.

GLOUCESTER
No, I mean the way the King's
daughters have been dealing
with him. Letting him out into
the storm! Can you believe a
child would treat a parent to
cruelly?

EDMUND
It is shocking, isn't it! Most
savage and unnatural!


GLOUCESTER
Can you keep a secret?

EDMUND
My lips are sealed, which is
more than I can say for yours.

GLOUCESTER
I have some secret
intelligence!

EDMUND
And you've kept it secret for
years!

GLOUCESTER
It's all spelled out in a
letter I received, which I've
hidden in my room. It says the
Dukes of Albany and Cornwall
aren't getting along. And
what's more, Cordelia is coming
back from France with an army!
It looks like there will be a
bitter three-way struggle for
England. Be very careful
Edmund! Trust no one!

EDMUND
Oh, I won't! I won't!

Gloucester puts Edmund down in a window, and exits.
After Edmund has exited, the actor playing Edmond sneaks
back behind and under the window, unseen by the audience,
so that he can operate Edmund.)

EDMUND
I wonder what Regan and
Cornwall will give me for that
letter. It should draw me that
which my father loses; not less
than all. The younger rises
when the old doth fall.

Edmund exits.



*********************************************************


Scene 4

The heath in front of a hovel, near Gloucester's castle.
The storm continues to rage, although not quite so loudly
as before. Enter King Lear, Kent and the Fool. Lear is
more relaxed for the moment.

KENT
Here is the place, my Lord.

Kent opens the door to the hovel, but Lear ignores him.

KENT
Good my Lord, enter. The
night's too rough for nature to
endure.

KING LEAR
Let me alone.

KENT
My Lord, enter here.

KING LEAR
You go in. I prefer the storm.
It's touch is kind compared
with my ungrateful daughters,
Regan and Goneril!

>From high offstage, a cupful of water is thrown on King
Lear.

KING LEAR
In such a night, to shut me
out! Pour on! I will endure!

KENT
My Lord, please go in out of
the storm.

KING LEAR
After you. This storm's fury
is gentle as a cooing dove
compared with my ungracious
daughters, Regan and Goneril?

Another cupful of water splashes on King Lear.

KING LEAR
Your poor old father gave you
all!

Edgar sticks his head out from the open door of the
hovel.

EDGAR
Excuse me, but would you mind
closing the door? It's getting
cold in here!

KENT
It's poor Tom o' Bedlam!

EDGAR
Oh. Hello, Tom. You can come
in, if you want to.

KENT
No, no! You're Tom!

EDGAR
I am? Okay, then I can come in
if I want to. But I'm already
in.

FOOL
This guy's nuts!

KING LEAR
It must have been his cruel
daughters, whose filial
ingratitude made him mad.

FOOL
What were their names again?

The Fool is intentionally trying to get the King to say
"Regan and Goneril."

KING LEAR
Regan and Goneril!!!

A cupful of water splashes on Lear.

FOOL
I'm going inside.

The Fool goes inside, and Edgar disappears inside with
him.

KENT
Go in, my Lord, I pray you.

Enter Gloucester, searching in the storm.

GLOUCESTER
Who's there?

KENT
The King and his servant!

GLOUCESTER
My Lord, I had hoped to find
you. Your daughters will not
let me bring you back to the
castle, but you shall have
shelter here. I will bring you
food and fire when I can.

Gloucester enters the hovel, and comes out a moment later
holding Edgar.

GLOUCESTER
Who is this? I believe I have
seen his face somewhere else.

EDGAR

No, it's always been right
between my ears!

KENT
He calls himself Tom o' Bedlam.
Do not concern yourself with
him. He is mad.

KING LEAR
His daughters drove him to
dementia.

EDGAR
Nope, nope. I'm pretty sure I
walked here.

KING LEAR
I say it was his nefarious
daughters!

The Fool sticks his head out of the hovel.

FOOL
Daughters? What were the names
of your wicked daughters?

Lear pulls the Fool out of the hovel, and makes the Fool
stand where Lear has been standing when he's been hit by
all the water. Then Lear goes over to the other side of
the stage, where he thinks he will be out of reach of the
water.

KING LEAR
Regan and Goneril!

A cupful of water is thrown onto Lear from the other side
of the stage.

GLOUCESTER
Go in! Go in! Keep warm!

Lear reaches to take Edgar from Gloucester.

KING LEAR
I want to converse with this
wise philosopher about his
daughters and their dire
cruelty.

EDGAR
Yup. That's the way it goes.

GLOUCESTER
Take him!

KING LEAR
Come, good Athenian.

King Lear takes Edgar and goes into the hovel. Kent and
Gloucester and the Fool follow him in.


*********************************************************

Scene 5

Inside Gloucester's castle. Enter Cornwall carrying
Edmund. Cornwall puts Edmund down where he can be
operated behind the scenes by the actor playing
Gloucester.

CORNWALL
I will have my revenge ere I
depart his house.

Edmund hands Cornwall the letter which Gloucester was
hiding.

EDMUND
Here's the letter. I hope your
realize it isn't easy for me to
rat on my own father.

CORNWALL
It hath made thee Earl of
Gloucester.

EDMUND
That makes it a little easier.

CORNWALL
I will put my trust in you, and
you shall find a dearer father
in my love.

EDMUND
Thank you. Thank you.

Cornwall departs.

EDMUND
If he's on the level, he's a
bigger chump than my old man.

Edmund exits through the window he has been sitting in.



*********************************************************

Scene 6

Inside the hovel on the heath. There are several stools
and benches, and a cot. Enter Kent and Gloucester,
talking.

GLOUCESTER
Here is better than the open
air. I will go back to the
castle and bring you what
comfort I can.

KENT
The gods reward you for your
kindness.

Exit Gloucester. Enter King Lear, carrying Edgar, and
the Fool. King Lear puts Edgar down in a window, next to
Kent, then King Lear moves away to sit down. Edgar
speaks to Kent privately.

EDGAR
Say, what's wrong with the guy
with the big red nose?

KENT
That's the King!

EDGAR
Oh. So that's it. That
explains it.

KENT
Explains what?

EDGAR
It explains he's the King!

KENT
He has lost his reason!

EDGAR
I didn't think Kings needed a
reason.

KENT
I mean he is mad!

EDGAR
Oh. I thought that was me.

KENT
No, no! You only pretend to be
mad!

EDGAR
Oh! Right. That's right. How
am I doing?

KENT
Most excellently!

EDGAR
Well, you know what they say.
Some of us got it, and some of
us can't give it away!

Abruptly, the mad King decides to stage a trial.

KING LEAR
Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!
It is propitious that we
proceed with the inquisition of
those two daughters of
iniquity: Goneril and Regan!

FOOL
I dare you to step outside and
say that!

KING LEAR
You learned sages shall be
judges!

King Lear points to the Fool and Edgar.

FOOL
Okay, I judge you're mad, and
he's an idiot.

KING LEAR
I shall now interrogate the
prisoners at the bar.

FOOL
Where else?

King Lear points to an old, warped, wooden stool which he
(in his madness) thinks is Goneril.

KING LEAR
I take my oath before this
honorable assembly that this is
Goneril, who kicked the poor
King her father!

The Fool gets up and goes over to question the stool.

FOOL
Is your name Goneril?

KING LEAR
She cannot deny it!

FOOL
I beg your pardon. I mistook
you for a stool. I hope you'll
be chair-itable and forgive me.

KING LEAR
And here stands her evil
sister!

The King points to another wooden stool.

FOOL
I can see the family
resemblance.

King Lear addresses the Fool and Edgar, as though he were
addressing judges.

KING LEAR
I submit to you...

FOOL
(interrupting)
It's about time you submitted
to me!

KING LEAR
These dreadful daughters have,
ipso facto, ...

FOOL
(interrupting)
I've got a brother named Ipso.
Or is it Facto?

KING LEAR
These dreadful daughters would
deny their father even that
shred of mercy shown to
Socrates. His executioners
gave him a quick death by
hemlock!

EDGAR
Who?

FOOL
Hemlock, Prince of Denmark.


KING LEAR
My daughters want me to suffer
a prolonged death by lemonade.
They would deny their father
that sweet surcease of sorrow
afforded by the loving hand of
gentle alcohol.

FOOL
Maybe they just don't want you
stop shooting pink elephants
when company comes.

KING LEAR
It's a lie! A gross and
palpable canard! I never shot
a pink elephant in my life!

FOOL
Not even in your pink pajamas?

KING LEAR
Quite the antithesis. My aim
is hopeless when I've been
imbibing.

KENT
My good lord, lie here and rest
awhile.

Kent leads King Lear over to the cot, where the King lies
down.

KING LEAR
Make no noise. Draw the
curtains. I will drink my
supper in the morning.

Lear falls asleep, and Kent pulls a blanket over him. .
There is a moment of silence, then the Fool speaks.

FOOL
I wonder what my brothers are
up to. I think I'll go look
for them as soon as this scene
is over.

Enter Gloucester.

GLOUCESTER
Where is the King?

KENT
Here, sir, but his wits are
gone.

GLOUCESTER
I have reason to believe his
daughters plan to murder him!
Get him to Dover at once!
Come, come away!

Everyone exits.



*********************************************************

Scene 7

Inside Gloucester's castle. Enter Cornwall carrying
Edmund, followed by Regan, Goneril and the Three
Servants. Cornwall speaks first to Goneril and then to
Edmund.

CORNWALL
Post speedily to my lord your
husband. Show him this letter.
The army of France is landed!
Edmund, you had better leave
with Goneril. The revenge we
will take upon your father is
not fit for your beholding.

Goneril takes the letter from Cornwall, and also takes
Edmund. She exits, carrying Edmund. Cornwall turns to
the servants.

CORNWALL
Go, seek the traitor
Gloucester.

The three servants exit.

CORNWALL
It might not be wise to take
his life, but we shall punish
him for aiding the French
invaders.

Enter the servants, holding Gloucester.

CORNWALL
Bind him to that chair!

The servants force Gloucester into a chair and tie him to
it.

GLOUCESTER
What will you do to me?

CORNWALL
We know you have been
conspiring with the French who
even now invade our lands!

REGAN
Where is the King? Where has
he gone?

GLOUCESTER
To Dover.

REGAN
Why to Dover?

GLOUCESTER
Because I would not see your
cruel nails pluck out his poor
old eyes!

CORNWALL
See it shalt thou never!

Cornwall takes out a dagger as he approaches the chair in
which Gloucester is tied. He speaks to the servants, who
are beginning to look very upset.

CORNWALL
Hold the chair!

FIRST SERVANT
What are you going to do?

CORNWALL
Pluck out his eyes!

THIRD SERVANT
Don't you mean poke him in the
eye?

CORNWALL
I said pluck and I meant pluck!

FIRST SERVANT
You can't do that!

CORNWALL
Why not?

THIRD SERVANT
It isn't funny!

FIRST SERVANT
Now if you were to poke him in
the eye, that would be funny.
There's nothing funnier than a
finger in the eye.

THIRD SERVANT
Unless its fingers in two eyes!

CORNWALL
I am not trying to be funny!

FIRST SERVANT
Okay, but don't ruin it for the
rest of us!

The first and third servants have moved in front of
Gloucester.

CORNWALL
Get out of my way, your dogs!

The third servant barks at Cornwall.

THIRD SERVANT
Ruff! Ruff!

FIRST SERVANT
Look, boss, why don't you try a
poke. You might like it.

CORNWALL
You mean like this?

Cornwall slowly presses his fingers against Gloucester's
eyes. Then he pushes his fingers in, blinding
Gloucester. Gloucester screams in agony!

GLOUCESTER
Augh! I cannot see! I cannot
see!

FIRST SERVANT
Why not?

GLOUCESTER
Because he has plucked out my
eyes!

Cornwall takes his sword and hands it to the second
servant, who has been cowering over to one side.

FIRST SERVANT
You shouldn't have done that!

THIRD SERVANT
That wasn't funny at all!

CORNWALL
You! Take this sword and kill
these impudent villains!

SECOND SERVANT
Which impudent villains?

CORNWALL
Those impudent villains!

He points to the other servants.

SECOND SERVANT
Couldn't I just poke them in
the eye?

CORNWALL
Kill them, unless you wish to
die yourself!

SECOND SERVANT
Okay. Sorry guys!

The second servant swings the sword back over his head in
order to deliver a blow, and he accidentally stabs
Cornwall.

CORNWALL
Augh!

REGAN
Give me that sword!

Regan grabs the sword and runs through all three servants
at once! They are all pierced by the sword like three
pieces of meat on a shish kabob.

FIRST, SEOND & THIRD
SERVANTS
Oh! We are slain!

They die in unison.

GLOUCESTER
Where is Edmund? He will
avenge this atrocity!

REGAN
Edmund hates you! It was he
that informed us of your
treason!

GLOUCESTER
Then Edgar was abused!

Regan unties Gloucester from the chair and shoves him
from the room.

REGAN
Go out the gate! Smell your
way to Dover!

As soon as Gloucester is gone, Regan turns to Cornwall,
who is mortally wounded.

REGAN
How are you, my lord?

CORNWALL
Hurt. I bleed apace. Give me
your arm.

Regan help him from the room.



*********************************************************



Act IV

Scene 1

On the heath, on the way to Dover, Edgar sits on a stone
wall. He hears something and looks offstage.

EDGAR
Who comes here?

Gloucester, who is now blind, is led on stage by a very
OLD MAN. The old man is very weak and tired, and he can
barely walk.

OLD MAN
You must let me help you, my
good lord. I have been your
tenant and your father's tenant
for eighty years.

GLOUCESTER
Go away. No one can help. As
flies to wanton boys are we to
the gods. They kill us for
their sport.

Gloucester feels his way around the stage, and bumps into
Edgar. He picks him up.

EDGAR
Look on the bright side.
Things could be worse. And
they probably will be.

OLD MAN
You call that the bright
side???

EDGAR
Um. I don't really know. I've
never been on the bright side,
myself.

GLOUCESTER
Who is this? His voice is
familiar.

OLD MAN
It's poor mad Tom.

GLOUCESTER
Then let him guide me to Dover.

OLD MAN
But he is mad!

GLOUCESTER
And you are old. I trust his
youth above your wits. Mad
Tom, can you tell me how to get
to Dover?

EDGAR
Dover? Let's see. You want to
get to Dover? Are you sure you
don't want to get here.
Because I could tell you how to
get here.

GLOUCESTER
No, I don't want to get to
here. I want to get to Dover.

EDGAR
And this isn't Dover, is it?

GLOUCESTER
No.

EDGAR
Well then, if you want to go to
Dover, I guess you should start
by going away from here!

GLOUCESTER
Never mind. We will find it
together. And when we get to
Dover, you will take me to a
cliff high over the ocean. If
we can find that cliff, I will
need no one to lead me from
there.

EDGAR
Uh, yup! That's the way it
goes. I will lead you.

GLOUCESTER
Good.

EDGAR
Will you lead me?

OLD MAN
Dover is that way!!!

The old man grabs Gloucester and pushes him off in the
direction of Dover. Gloucester stumbles off, carrying
Edgar. The old man exits in the other direction.



*********************************************************

Scene 2

On the road to Albany's castle. Enter Goneril, carrying
Edmund.

GONERIL
Welcome, my lord, to our
castle. I marvel that my mild
husband did not meet us on the
way.

She puts him down in a window.

EDMUND
Your husband is a gentle man,
isn't he?

GONERIL
He thinks too much of others.
I'll bet you don't think too
much of others.

EDMUND
Well, I don't think too much of
your husband. That's for sure!

Enter Oswald, the servant.

GONERIL
Where is your master?


OSWALD
He is within. I do not know
what has come over him. When I
told him the French army had
landed, he smiled. When I told
him you were coming, he
scowled.

GONERIL
He is a spineless coward!

Oswald exits.

GONERIL
Edmund, go back to the Duke of
Cornwall and lead his army. I
will command my husband's
forces.

EDMUND
We'll beat those French
invaders.

GONERIL
You're so firm!

EDMUND
I am! I am!

GONERIL
You are a man after my own
heart!

EDMUND
And that's not all I'm after!

GONERIL
Bend your head.

Edmund bends his head, and Goneril kisses him
passionately. When the kiss is over, she nearly swoons.

GONERIL
Fare thee well.

She kisses him again. This time Edmund swoons and falls
backward out the window. Albany enters.


GONERIL
(aside)
Oh the difference between man
and man!

Goneril turns and addresses her husband.

GONERIL
They say it is a poor dog that
is not worth the whistling.
Why haven't you sent for me? I
am worth the whistle.

ALBANY
Oh, Goneril, you are not worth
the dust which the rude wind
blows in your face. What have
you and your sister done to
your poor father?

GONERIL
No more nor less than he
deserved. I have treated him
according to his merits, what
little they are. Would you
have me welcome him and the
French to take all that we own?

ALBANY
If you had left him a shred of
dignity, the French would not
have come!

Enter a messenger.

MESSENGER
My lord, the Duke of Cornwall
is dead, slain by his servants
as he blinded Gloucester!

ALBANY
What? Gloucester, blinded!
And Cornwall dead?

GONERIL
(aside)
I don't like this. It means
that Regan is free to pursue
Edmund.

Goneril exits.

ALBANY
Why didn't Edmund protect
Gloucester?

MESSENGER
It was he that informed against
his father.

ALBANY
Come, my friend, and tell me
more of what you know.

Exit Albany and the messenger.



*********************************************************

Scene 3

Near Dover, Kent enters with the Italian Gentleman from
Act 3, Scene 1.

KENT
Why has the King of France so
suddenly gone back? Know you
the reason?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I think he left the water
running in France.

KENT
Did you tell Cordelia that King
Lear was coming to Dover?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Yeah. He thought that was very
funny. He laughed so hard he
cried.

KENT
He??? Cordelia is the King's
daughter!!!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
He is?

KENT
She is! She's a woman!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
That's funny. I wonder why she
was dressed up as a big, hairy
man. Hey, I got it. I bet she
was in a shipwreck!

KENT
A shipwreck?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure. Her brother drowned, but
she's washed up on an island
where her father's a magician.
So she dresses up like a boy to
work for the Duke who she's in
love with. Only the Duke
thinks he's in love with
someone else, so she runs into
the forest and has a dream that
the fairies turned into a big
hairy man! And that's why the
King's daughter is a man!

KENT
Don't you think it is more
likely that instead of giving
the news to Cordelia, you gave
it to a man by mistake?

The Italian Gentleman thinks this over, but decides it is
ridiculous.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
No. That's silly.

KENT
I must find the King and
persuade him to come to
Cordelia. He is so plagued
with guilt, he refuses to see
her. I pray you, go along with
me.

Exit Kent with the Italian Gentleman.



*********************************************************


Scene 4

In Dover, at the camp of the French army, Cordelia enters
with SOLDIERS and the Italian Gentleman. She speaks to a
Soldier.

CORDELIA
Alack! I hear my father was
seen running around the beach
with brown weeds in his hair.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
That's too bad.

CORDELIA
Yes. With his complexion, he'd
look much nicer with violets,
don't you think?

A MESSENGER enters.

MESSENGER
News, Madam. The British Army
has been spotted.

CORDELIA
I was spotted when I was six
years old. I had chicken pox.

MESSENGER
I mean the British are at hand!

CORDELIA
Good! They can help us find my
father!

MESSENGER
They want to send us back to
France.

CORDELIA
That's very generous of them,
but I've already booked our
return passage.

MESSENGER
No! They mean to fight!


CORDELIA
Then let them fight, just so
long as they don't bother us.
Why are soldiers always
fighting? They're just like
little boys.

MESSENGER
They are angry because we
French are on their shores.

CORDELIA
Then tell them as soon as we
find my father, we'll take him
back to London, and they can
have the shores all to
themselves. Come on, let's go
find the King. Soon may I see
him.

Cordelia exits, followed by the soldiers and the Italian
Gentleman.



*********************************************************

Scene 5

In Gloucester, Regan enters with Oswald.

REGAN
But are my brother's powers set
forth?

OSWALD
Aye, Madam.

REGAN
Will he lead them against the
French?

OSWALD
If forced to it, although to my
mind, your sister is the better
soldier.

REGAN
I assume she has been in close
contact with Edmund.

OSWALD
I am certain of it.

REGAN
How close?

OSWALD
That I cannot say.

REGAN
Cannot, or will not?

OSWALD
I am your sister's faithful
servant!

REGAN
But is she a faithful mistress?
I have seen the way she looks
at Edmund. Did you know he has
been sent to find his father
and kill him? Gloucester never
should have been permitted to
live. We should have cut out
his heart instead of his eyes!

Regan hands a sealed letter to Oswald.

REGAN
If you see Edmund, will you
give him this letter? Why do
you smile? Do you also have a
letter for him from my sister?
She would do well to remember
she already has a husband.

OSWALD
I will deliver your letter.

REGAN
And if you chance to hear of
that blind traitor, preferment
falls on him that cuts him off.

OSWALD
If I meet him, I will show what
party I follow.

REGAN
Fare thee well.

Regan and Oswald exit in opposite directions.



*********************************************************

Scene 6

Near Dover, Gloucester enters, carrying Edgar.

GLOUCESTER
When shall I come to the top of
that same hill?

EDGAR
I guess you get to the top when
you can't go any higher.

Gloucester is becoming exhausted.

GLOUCESTER
I do not think I can go any
farther.

EDGAR
Well, then, you must be at the
top now.

GLOUCESTER
It is odd. I thought I was
walking on even land.

EDGAR
Well if it's odd, then it can't
be even.

GLOUCESTER
So we must have been climbing.
Are we truly atop the cliffs at
Dover?

EDGAR
I don't know. How can you
tell?

GLOUCESTER
If we were truly at Dover, the
people below us would be so
small, they would look like
ants.

Edgar looks down at the floor.

EDGAR
Those look like ants to me all
right.

GLOUCESTER
Then I must be at the very
edge. You must go further off.

Gloucester puts Edgar down.

GLOUCESTER
This world I do renounce!

Gloucester attempts to jump off what he thinks his a
cliff, but since he is on level ground, he merely falls
to the floor of the stage. After a moment, he feels
around at finds Edgar. He picks him up and speaks to
him.

GLOUCESTER
What happened?

EDGAR
You fell down.

GLOUCESTER
All the way down from where I
stood at the top of the cliff?
How is it I live?

EDGAR
I don't know. One time I fell
off a steep cliff, and when I
got to the bottom, there was a
big crowd of people looking at
me, and some fellow asked me
what happened, and I said, "I
don't know, I just got here
myself."

GLOUCESTER
Who are you? You sound like
the madman I left at the top of
the cliff, but you could not be
he. I left him high above.
But who comes here?

Enter King Lear, who is quite mad.

KING LEAR
Who wants to know? They said I
was a mighty monarch, lusty and
strong, and so robust that I
could stay out every night 'til
dawn, quaffing ale and playing
cards, and never suffer the
slightest ill health. But they
lied. I caught a nasty case of
the sniffles once. I believe I
sniffle still.

GLOUCESTER
I remember that voice! Is it
not the King?

KING LEAR
Aye, every inch a king, but far
from home. This sandy shore
reminds me of a journey I once
made to the far Antipodes, in
search of a rare fermented brew
known as Ambrosia. While
scouting through the
underbrush, I brushed against a
beautiful blonde. Her hair was
like waves of the finest amber
beer, her lips were red as
wine. Unfortunately, from the
waist down she was a horse. A
centaur! We chatted about the
local wildlife, and about the
libations that made the life so
wild. And soon I lost my heart
to her upper half.

GLOUCESTER
What was her name?

KING LEAR
(lost in the
mists of memory)
What?

GLOUCESTER
The centaur! What was her
name?


KING LEAR
Lilypetal Blossomtide. Many
were the moonlit nights we
wandered through the dusky
woods and dappled dales,
conversing upon the finer
points of our philosophies.
Then one evening, when I
chanced to arrive at our
rendezvous ahead of schedule, I
found her lower half engaged in
an act of sexual congress with
a horse. Needless to say, I
was distraught! She begged me
to forgive her. She vowed that
she would never again descend
to such debauched carnality. I
said to her, "Lilypetal, swear
thou unto me! Shalt thou e'er
again..." We always spoke
formally to each other. "Shalt
thou e'er again act in any
manner like unto a horse?" And
she answered, "Nay!" I left
the Antipodes that very hour,
and never heard from her again!

Lear turns back to Gloucester.

KING LEAR
Give me an ounce of civet, good
apothecary, to sweeten my
imagination.

GLOUCESTER
Oh, let me kiss that hand.

KING LEAR
Let me wipe it first. It
smells of mortality.

GLOUCESTER
Do you know me?


KING LEAR
I remember your eyes. I
believe you had two of them.
Yes, I remember them well.
Unfortunately, I cannot say the
same for the rest of you. But
you look like an honest man.
You look like what happens to
an honest man. If I find your
eyes, I shall return them, for
I too am an honest man.

GLOUCESTER
You poor creature.

KING LEAR
We are all poor creatures.
When we are born, we cry that
we are come to this great stage
of fools! We cry. We weep.

Enter the Italian Gentleman, accompanied by a curly-
headed MUTE attendant. They approach the King.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Have you seen the King? His
daughter wants us to find him.

KING LEAR
Which daughter is that?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
The one who wants us to find
him.

KING LEAR
Do you have any idea what the
King looks like?

The Mute nods enthusiastically. He puffs out his cheeks,
rolls his tongue up in his mouth, and crosses his eyes.
He looks ghastly.

KING LEAR
What makes you think the King
looks like that?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
We heard he was crazy, and
that's as crazy as we know how
to look.

KING LEAR
I believe I may be of
assistance. Would you be so
good as to gaze over in yonder
direction?

The King points off in one direction, and as the Italian
Gentleman and the Mute look off in that direction, the
King runs off the other way. The Italian Gentleman turns
around, and is surprised to find that the man who gave
him directions is gone. He spins the Mute around.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Hey, where'd he go?

The Mute searches the stage for King Lear.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I bet he went to find the King
for us!

GLOUCESTER
That was the King!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
It was? Go get him! The war's
about to start. Hurry!

The Mute runs offstage after King Lear.

GLOUCESTER
You'd better hurry if the war's
about to start.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Yeah, we've got to move fast if
we want to get good seats.

As the Italian Gentleman exits, Oswald enters from the
other direction. He spots Gloucester, and takes out his
sword.

OSWALD
Who have we here? The
proclaimed prize! Thou old,
unhappy traitor! The sword is
out that must destroy thee.


EDGAR
Now that isn't a very friendly
thing to say.

OSWALD
Stand aside, you dunghill, or I
will kill you as well!

GLOUCESTER
Take my dagger and defend us!

Gloucester takes out a dagger and holds it in Edgar's
hand. Blindly, he carries Edgar in the direction of
Oswald's voice. Oswald grabs Edgar's arms and grapples
with him, but the dagger finds it's way into Oswald, who
is mortally wounded.

EDGAR
I may be stupid, but no one
ever said I wasn't strong.

OSWALD
Thou hast slain me!

Oswald takes out the letters to Edmund he received from
Regan and Goneril and tries to hand them to Edgar.

OSWALD
If you wish to be rewarded,
deliver these letters to
Edmund, the Earl of Gloucester.
You will find him on the
English side. Oh, untimely
death!

Oswald dies.

GLOUCESTER
Is he dead?

EDGAR
I'll ask him. Are you dead?

There is no answer from Oswald.

EDGAR
He won't answer.


GLOUCESTER
Then I think we can assume he's
dead. I'll take those letters
he was talking about.

Gloucester feels about on Oswald's body until he finds
the letters and takes them.

GLOUCESTER
We'd better get out of here
before the war starts.

EDGAR
I hear the beaten drum. Come,
Father.

They exit.



*********************************************************

Scene 7

At the French Camp in Dover, Cordelia enters talking to
Kent. Kent is still disguised in the rough garb of a
peasant.

CORDELIA
Oh thou good Kent, Thank you so
much for taking such good care
of my father.

KENT
I wish it had been better care.
Under my care he has lost his
authority, his followers, his
health and even his sanity.
The only thing he has not lost
under my care is his life.

CORDELIA
Well, I'm sure you did the best
you could.

KENT
He is now just a pathetic,
miserable wretch.

CORDELIA
No one can blame you for that.

KENT
I blame myself.

CORDELIA
No one can blame you for that
either. Now, why don't you go
change out of those filthy
rags?

KENT
I would rather stay in disguise
while I might still do some
good.

CORDELIA
All right, Kent, I won't reveal
your secret identity.

Enter a DOCTOR who has been looking after King Lear.
Cordelia questions him.

CORDELIA
How is the King?

DOCTOR
He sleeps. I have asked some
men from your camp to bring him
to you. Look, here they come!

The Italian Gentleman and the Mute enter, carrying the
sleeping King Lear in a chair. The Italian Gentleman and
the Mute struggle with the weight of the King.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Boy, this King's a heavy
sleeper!

DOCTOR
Has he been sleeping
comfortably?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I don't know. I'll ask him.

The Italian Gentlemen shakes the King roughly, but King
Lear does not wake up.


ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Hey, King! Wake up! The
doctor wants to know if you've
been sleeping comfortable!

DOCTOR
That's no way to speak to a
King!

CORDELIA
That's right. Let me do it.

She curtsies daintily, like a perfect princess, before
the King. Then she gets up and shakes her father
roughly.

CORDELIA
Dad! Wake up! The doctor
wants to know if you've been
sleeping comfortable.

But Lear doesn't wake up. Cordelia looks down on him, her
heart filled with pity.

CORDELIA
You know, I still can't believe
my sisters let him stay out all
night in that terrible storm!
I would have let my enemy's dog
stay indoors by my fire on a
night like that, even if he had
bitten me.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
That's not nice of your enemy
to bite you, but it's good you
let the dog sit by the fire.

CORDELIA
No, I meant if the dog bit me.
Wouldn't you have let your
enemy's dog sit by your fire
during that storm, even if your
enemy's dog had bitten you?

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
I don't think my enemy has a
dog.


CORDELIA
Well, I'm sure my enemy would
lend your enemy his dog.

DOCTOR
I am concerned that the King
will not wake up!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Maybe we should get your
enemy's dog to bite him.

The Mute bites the King on the arm. The King cries in
his sleep, and begins to slowly awaken.

KING LEAR
Drat!

CORDELIA
How does my noble lord?

KING LEAR
(not yet fully
awake)
You do wrong to take me out of
the grave. Thou art a soul in
bliss, but I am bound upon a
wheel of fire, that my own
tears do scald like molten
lead. And I believe somebody
bit me.

DOCTOR
He's scarcely awake. Let him
alone awhile.

KING LEAR
Where have I been? Where am I?

He tries to get up, but stumbles to his knees.

CORDELIA
You don't have to kneel to me!


KING LEAR
Pray do not mock me. I am a
very foolish fond old man, and
to deal plainly, I fear I am
not in my perfect mind. A
slight touch of delirium
tremens. Do not laugh at me,
but I think this lady to be my
child Cordelia.

CORDELIA
That's what I think too!

KING LEAR
I suppose you'll want to poison
me with lemonade.

CORDELIA
I don't have any lemonade.
Would you like to be poisoned
with ale?

KING LEAR
I will drink it! You must
despise me. Your sisters hate
me without reason, but you have
cause.

CORDELIA
No cause! No cause!

KING LEAR
Am I in France?

CORDELIA
No, you're right here! Come
on, let's go for a walk and
I'll introduce you to the army!

KING LEAR
You must bear with me. Forget
and forgive. I am old and
foolish.

King Lear exits with Cordelia. Everyone else follows
them off.



*********************************************************


Act V

Scene 1

At the British camp, near Dover, Regan enters carrying
Edmund. She puts him down on a wall.

REGAN
Tell me but truly, do you not
love my sister?

EDMUND
Of course I do. I love her
like a sister. Your sister, to
be precise.

REGAN
But have you not found your way
to her husband's place?

EDMUND
That thought abuses you!

REGAN
But you haven't answered the
question!

EDMUND
That's because I don't want you
to abuse me. But on my honor,
I would never dream of making
love to your sister.

REGAN
On your honor? How far can
your honor be trusted?

EDMUND
How far do you think?

REGAN
Not very far!

EDMUND
Well, there's your answer!

REGAN
If you know what is good for
you, you will not be familiar
with her!

EDMUND
Careful! The lady in question
- or should I say the
questionable lady - is
approaching with her husband!

Goneril enters with Albany.

ALBANY
The King has joined the French
forces not far from here. I
cannot allow the French to
conquer England. However, my
quarrel is not with King Lear
or with Cordelia.

EDMUND
No, no, of course not!

GOERIL
(brazenly lying)
I am certain we are all in
agreement on that point.

EDMUND
I will meet you presently at
your tent to discuss our
strategy.

Regan picks up Edmund and carries him out holding him
with obvious affection. Goneril follows them off stage,
showing her jealousy. Albany is left alone on stage.
Then Edgar pops up from behind the wall. He has in his
hands the letters he and his father took from Oswald.

EDGAR
Excuse me, but I've got some
letters here for Edward.
They're supposed to be pretty
important. My father said he
thought I ought to give them to
the Duke of... Duke of...
Let's see, who was it?

ALBANY
I am the Duke of Albany. Give
the letters to me!

EDGAR
That sounds about right.

Albany takes the letters from Edgar.

ALBANY
If, after the battle, I need to
speak to you about these, I
will sound a trumpet.

EDGAR
That's pretty good. I do bird
calls myself.

ALBANY
Fare thee well.

Edgar gets down behind the wall. A moment later Regan
re-enters carrying Edmund.

REGAN
Edmund has news for you!

She puts Edmund down on the wall.

EDMUND
The enemy is in view! Draw up
your powers!

ALBANY
I will do so!

Albany exits with Regan, leaving Edmund alone on stage.

EDMUND
I have sworn my love to both
these sisters. Which of them
shall I take? Both? One? Or
neither? Neither can be
enjoyed if both remain alive.
Oh, why did I have to be born
such a handsome man? It will
be the death of me yet. Well,
if Goneril wants me, she'll
have to do something about
getting rid of her husband
Albany. And she better do it
before he does something
stupid, like showing mercy to
Lear and Cordelia. I'll have
to do something about them.

Edmund exits behind the wall.



*********************************************************

Scene 2

At a battlefield, the Italian Gentleman and the Mute
enter, followed by Gloucester carrying Edgar. Edgar is
dressed in battle armor.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Let's sit in the shadow of this
tree! We can see the war good
from here!

Everyone sits. The Italian Gentleman and the Mute take
out pennants with "FRANCE" written on them. They wave
the pennants as though they were at a football game.

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Go France! Go France!

>From offstage, we hear a FRENCH SOLDIER giving an order
to retreat:

FRENCH SOLDIER
(off stage)
Retreat! Retreat!

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Oh-oh! I say, "Go France," and
the French decide to go. You
know what this means?

The Mute nods "yes." He and the Italian Gentleman put
down their "FRANCE" pennants" and pick up pennants which
say "ENGLAND."

ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Go England!

EDGAR
Maybe we should go.

GLOUCESTER
Why go? A man may rot even
here.


EDGAR
Well, sure, if you like
rotting. I don't think I'm
ripe yet.

GLOUCESTER
That's true too.



*********************************************************

Scene 3

At the English camp, ENGLISH SOLDIERS enter. One of them
carries Edmund, and puts him down on a wall. Other
soldiers bring in King Lear and Cordelia as prisoners.

EDMUND
Officers, take them away!

CORDELIA
Thank you. Could you take us
away to London, please?

KING LEAR
No, no, no, no. Come, let's
away to prison, to our durance
vile. We two alone will sing
like birds in the cage. When
thou dost ask me blessing, I'll
kneel down and ask of thee
forgiveness. We'll tell old
tales and laugh at gilded
butterflies.

CORDELIA
(laughing)
Oh, I always think gilded
butterflies are so funny!

KING LEAR
Yes, we'll hear poor rouges
talk of court news. And we'll
talk with them too who loses
and who wins, who's in, who's
out; and take upon us the
mystery of things.


CORDELIA
I love a good mystery. Did you
see "Hamlet"? That was a
complete mystery to me!

EDMUND
Take them away!

A soldier starts to take Cordelia, but Lear pushes him
aside.

KING LEAR
Unhand her, you ruffian! Come,
Cordelia, my little fleur-de-
lis!

King Lear gallantly leads Cordelia out. Edmund speaks to
the CAPTAIN of the soldiers.

EDMUND
Captain, follow them to prison!
You know what to do!

CAPTAIN
I'll do it, my Lord.

Exit the Captain. Enter Albany, Goneril and Regan, along
with more ENGLISH SOLDIERS. Regan looks very ill and
occasionally clutches her stomach. Albany speaks gruffly
to Edmund.

ALBANY
Sir, I require that you give me
your prisoners, the King and
Cordelia.

EDMUND
I thought it would be best to
lock them up away from here for
their own protection. You know
how viscous red-blooded
soldiers can get when a war
gets their red blood flowing.
No, I suppose that's something
you've never experienced.
Anyway, I've put them safely
away under lock and key.

ALBANY
That is something for me to
decide, not you.

REGAN
You forget that he led my army!
If I choose, I can make him my
equal!

GONERIL
You really think you can bring
him that far down?

REGAN
I intend to marry him!

GONERIL
And do you intend to enjoy your
marriage?

ALBANY
You cannot marry him, Regan.
He is already spoken for. By
my wife!!!

EDMUND
Ooops!

Albany reveals the letters which Edgar gave him.

ALBANY
Edmund, I arrest you for
capital treason! These letters
prove you made love to both my
wife and her sister. What do
you have to say for yourself?

EDMUND
You've got to understand. I
come from a broken home!

ALBANY
And you're the one who broke
it!

EDMUND
I just wanted to experience the
affection I never had as a
child!

ALBANY
By making love to my wife?????


EDMUND
Well, I never had that
experience as a child.

ALBANY
Sound the trumpet! Let the
witness appear who can tell us
of these letters!

A Soldier sounds a trumpet, as Regan clutches her
stomach.

REGAN
I feel sick.

GONERIL
(aside)
If not, I'll never trust my
medicines.

EDMUND
I would like to prove my
innocence!

ALBANY
Can you?

EDMUND
No, but I'd really like to.

ALBANY
Sound the trumpet again.

The Soldier sounds the trumpet again.

REGAN
I must leave. I'm sick.

ALBANY
Take her to my tent, and sound
the trumpet again.

A Soldier helps Regan to leave as another Soldier sounds
the trumpet. When the Soldier who helped Regan leave
returns, he is carrying Edgar. Edgar is wearing battle
armor, including a helmet which hides his face. He has a
sword in his hand.


SOLDIER
(carrying Edgar)
This man claims he was told to
come when we sounded the
trumpet.

The Soldier puts Edgar down on the wall next to Edmund.

ALBANY
He will prove you are a
traitor! Take up this sword!

Albany puts a sword into Edmund's hand.

EDMUND
I can't fight him. It isn't
fair. He has a helmet, and I
don't.

ALBANY
Then we will remove his helmet.

Albany tries to pull off Edgar's helmet, but it's stuck.
He asks for help from the Soldiers.

ALBANY
It's stuck! Help me pull it
off.

Some of the Soldiers hold Edgar's body, while others pull
at the helmet. Suddenly, the helmet pops off, and Edgar
goes flying into Edmund, stabbing him fatally.

GONERIL
Edmund!

EDMUND
I am slain!

ALBANY
He is justly served! These
papers prove you planned to
murder me to win his love!

GONERIL
What if I did? Who will judge
me?

ALBANY
I will.

Goneril runs off stage.

ALBANY
Go after her! She's desperate.

A Soldier follows Goneril.

EDMUND
I'm dying! Who was it that
killed me?

Edgar turns to face his brother.

EDMUND
It's my brother, Edgar!

ALBANY
It's true! You are Edgar. I
recognize you now! Where is
your noble father?

EDGAR
He's dead. He died right after
I told him who I really am.
"I'm really me!" I said.

ALBANY
And his poor old heart could
not take the news.

EDGAR
No, his heart took it fine. He
was really happy to learn I was
me. But then he walked off the
side of a cliff. He was blind,
you know. Yup, that's the way
it goes.

Enter the Soldier who followed Goneril. He carries a
bloody dagger.

SOLDIER
She's dead!

ALBANY
Who?


SOLDIER
Goneril! Your wife! She
confessed that she had poisoned
her sister Regan, out of
jealous love for Edmund, and
then she stabbed herself! They
both are dead.

EDMUND
Two jealous women! When I meet
up with them in the afterlife,
I know there's going to be hell
to pay!

Enter Kent.

ALBANY
Who comes here?

KENT
The Earl of Kent. When I was
banished, I disguised myself as
a lowly slave so that I could
continue to serve the King. I
have heard he is your prisoner.
If so, make me your prisoner
too, so that I may end my life
with him.

ALBANY
The King! Where is the King?

EDMUND
He's at the castle, locked up
with Cordelia. But you'd
better hurry. I'm afraid I let
my mischievous side get the
better of me.

ALBANY
What do you mean?

EDMUND
I ordered them to be hanged.

ALBANY
What? You call that
mischievous? How could you?
This was supposed to be a
comedy!

EDMUND
All right, all right! So I
miscalculated. What are you
going to do, kill me twice? Do
you think I like the way things
turned out?

Edmund dies. Then, before anyone can do anything, Lear
enters carrying the body of Cordelia. An English soldier
follows him.

KING LEAR
Howl, howl howl, howl! She's
gone for ever. I know when one
is dead, and when one lives.
She's dead as earth! My poor
fool, Cordelia. Her voice was
ever soft, gentle, and low, and
funny. An excellent thing in a
woman, or in anybody. I killed
the slave that was hanging
thee.

SOLDIER
It's true, my lords. He did.

KING LEAR
Why should a dog, a horse, a
rat, have life, and thou no
breath at all? Thou'lt come no
more, never, never, never,
never. I'd give up drink to
have you live again. I'd even
give up comedy.

Lear dies. Albany rushes to him.

ALBANY
He's dead!

KENT
Vex not his ghost. Do not
stretch him out any longer upon
the rack of this tough world.
The wonder is, he that endured
so long.

Albany gives orders to his soldiers.


ALBANY
Bear them from hence. I want
no more of politics. Kent you
must rule this realm.

KENT
I am too old and sick. I can't
live long.

ALBANY
But who shall be King? If not
you or I, then that leaves
only...

Kent and Albany stare at Edgar.

EDGAR
Yup. That's the way it goes,
all right. The weight of this
sad time we must obey: speak
what we feel, not what we ought
to say. The oldest hath borne
most: we that are young shall
never see so much, nor live so
long.

Everyone bows their head solemnly. Then the Fool bounds
in.

FOOL
Hey, everyone, I'm back! Did I
miss anything?

The curtain falls.


THE END