Musings
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I find that it is easier to clarify my own ideas or thoughts through writing. There is something about containing an idea in words that forces you to clean and refine the details of the idea. That's where these writings come from. They can't really be called essays, as there is no point to prove…merely musings at the keyboard. I hope you find them of interest. |
On Saying I Love You...
It's such an easy thing to say, and hopefully not said lightly. But what does it really mean? I have been asking myself this question for a long time and coming up with inadequate answers. For a long time, I thought it meant expressing the surge of emotion that comes from really caring for someone. But it seemed to me that this was an incomplete answer because there are times when I don't feel that deep emotion pulsing electricly through me. Does that mean I don't love them during those times then? It didn't seem so.Instead, I think I've finally answered this question to some satisfaction.
To me, saying I Love You is a verbal expression of a committment of faith to the person I am saying it to. It's a promise. It's a reconfirmation that I will continue to love them for an indeterminate amount of time. It is not different from telling my lover or my son. The committment is the same. Only the expression and action of loving is different.
I've observed with myself and others that saying I Love You sometimes meant something other than a promise. In many cases, it has been a request, or a plead. "But I love you!" don't leave me, don't hurt me, don't do something that would possibly conflict with my wishes. If you take however, the definition that I've posed, it simply doesn't fit the context of the situation. The reason is because by the previous definition, saying I love you is a wholly unselfish thing, giving satisfaction to the sayer only in having been allowed to express the promise. To the listener, it should be a gift without strings attached.
At this point, supposing that I Love You is a promise of commitment, it is understandable how deeply tied trust and honesty would be in determining the validity of the statement. If you can't keep your promise to take out the garbage, how valid is the promise of continued love? In point of fact, simply keeping promises is an expression of love, regardless of the verbal confirmation.
In practical terms, it seems to me that saying I love you means only that you are committing yourself, not that you are committing the other person. I tell my son that I love him. In my mind, when I'm honest with myself, I have to look over my own evidence that I have loved him and how I will love him in the future. It is in this evaluation that I determine if I'm keeping my promise or not. Not keeping the promise of love means I have lied. It does not mean that when I say I Love You to my son, I then expect him to love me endlessly, doing all the things I tell him to do, and keeping the sass to a minimum (what a dream! :-)).
Perhaps this seems very rigid, but in practice, since coming to this belief, I've found it to be extremely freeing. Expressing love allows me the choice of keeping promises or not. I only hold the other person to the promises they make to me in expressing the same commitment. In other words, I can now say I love you to someone with no expectations of reciprocation, feeling no ownership of the other person, simply promising as I would a phone call, the continuation of actions of love.
Of course, phone calls take a short time and have a definitive end point. When does the promise lapse in the case of such an open ended statement? That is a question I haven't answered yet. Maybe next week. Or next year. Or next decade.
Faith
I learned some things about Faith this past Christmas from my son. Faith has always been a valued virtue to me, since it requires a great deal of bravery and self-possession. Recently, I've had to question my abilities at maintaining faith, and in that questioning, have come to value those who hold faith more respectfully. Rejoining the Christian religion will do that for a person.I should probably define what I mean by faith. To me, Faith is the choice to believe when there is little or no hard evidence to lend support to or to disprove a theory. It's the trusting of instinct, or following of a hunch, or trust of another person.
As I was saying, my son taught me two things about faith this Christmas, and I'd like to share them with you. At church during one of the December services, a couple got up with their small baby to bear testimony of the peace God brought them throughout a very trying year. Their tale was almost unbelievable in the number of trials they endured. As I concentrated on what they said, my son turned to me and whispered, "Mommy, is that the baby Jesus?", referring to the baby the couple passed back and forth as they spoke. Of course, this was almost too adorable for words, so with a smile, I quietly replied that it wasn't (especially since the baby was a girl, though I didn't mention that to him). Later, I was struck by his simple faith that that baby COULD be Jesus. And I began to question whether I really believed so honestly. To Christian, Jesus is a real person. Flesh and blood. Eternally a child in the manger.
Next, on Christmas day, amid the continued hype of Santa's timely arrival, Christian raced out into the living room to check out the content volume of his stocking. I hardly think about Santa being a real person, having given up that idea a long time ago, so I was deeply touched by his awe-inspired whisper as he stared at the stockings, all full with candy and small presents. "He came. He really came." Again, an adorable moment for any parent to watch…the simple trust of the child they love. But again…I was struck. Such faith, to believe so un-selfconsciously.
I know these things will change as he grows older. He will be forced to question his beliefs, as we all are, and it will change him. That's part of the maturing process. But I wonder if I can reach the depth of faith that he can enjoy, even with my more mature abilities to question evidence. Some things simply have no evidence to give, except what is perceived by the individual as truth. It is, in this questioning, when true faith comes to light. This is where the bravery and self-possession is required. How brave must you be to continue to believe in this current world of hard facts and cold numbers?
I'll be sad when Christian decides that there is no Santa Claus. Already, he questions what he is told, which honestly, pleases me, although it sometimes drives me crazy (since I'm usually the one he's questioning - "don't question me…just DO it" - don't you remember when you swore you'd never say that to your children when you grew up?). But I hope that he'll retain the ability to believe, to have faith. I think in faith, there is hope. :-)
jeniwren@compuserve.com
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