I spend a fair amount of time reading opinion pages on personal websites. I enjoy this for reasons that escape me especially given the spelling and grammar capabilities of most netizens, but suffice it to say, there are some funny people out there with very odd ideas. One trend that is particularly interesting to me of late is the trend of young adult kid-haters. You know the type…these are generally early twentysomethings who never really realized they aren't teenagers anymore. Mostly, they hate kids because they can only afford to go to the sort of places that families go to, like Denny's and Village Inn. They lead selfish little lives, happily pursuing their hobbies and careers, perpetually annoyed by those dreaded wet nosed pre-adults we call children. In many of their estimations, they cannot fathom why anyone would ever want to have a child, and therefore conclude that only the dangerously deluded or criminally careless actually take the time and trouble to spawn offspring.
Perhaps the most flamboyant of online opinions are expressed by The Misanthropic Bitch. She has consistently voiced her opinion on the benefits of abortions and serial killing. Don't get me wrong…I love her site. She's funny. Her opinions about children though, as a parent, I find pretty offensive. Or I did. Until I came up with a short list of why being a parent is a Good Thing.
KIDS REALLY ANNOY CHILDLESS KID-HATERS. This, I admit, gives me great personal pleasure. I'll be a bit sorry when my son is too old to annoy adults who don't like children. I've been tempted to teach him how to scream at subsonic levels and pick his nose in restaurants, but since this would irritate people who like children too, I have restrained myself. I figure if anyone can possibly be annoyed by my cherubic and practically perfect child, they deserve to be annoyed. They want to be annoyed. I am more than happy to give them what they want.
KIDS ARE BETTER THAN SEINFELD. I've had the best conversations of my life with kids. Usually they have to be under the age of 12 for maximum entertainment value, but really, their viewpoint on life is frequently startling and original -- something I can't often say of my adult companions. (I will admit, Seinfeld IS both of those things, but he isn't as consistent as kids are). Further, I don't know that my son has missed a day without saying something that makes me laugh. Kids are real, true, and have depth. Their honesty is famous, to the point of humor. It may not always be comfortable to hear what they say, but it is never boring. Further, they do the most comical things. Totally unselfconscious, they are natural clowns. Get a couple of pets and you have your own private circus.
KIDS ARE A GREAT CONVERSATION PIECE. No matter where I am, I can always talk to another parent. There's always advice to be shared and war stories to be swapped. This instantly makes business conferences much more interesting. I love my career, but I can only talk about computers for so long before I get droopy eyed and slack jawed. My son is a constant source of good small talk.
KIDS ARE A LICENSE TO BUY TOYS. I admit it. I'm a toy junkie. I don't know very many parents who aren't. Have you noticed how cool the toys are now? Even the simple stuff like crayons are cooler now than when I was a kid. My son probably has every variation on Crayola's big crayons available. He has glow in the dark crayons. He has glitter crayons. He has day-glo crayons. He has the normal nine basic color crayons. He has them because I have a ball with them. He has every variation of Batman and Robin action figures because his uncle and grandfather think they are cool. Without my son, they would have to just mournfully gaze at the dolls through the toy store window, or worse, buy them and play with them in secret.
You may note that the reasons I've listed are written from a purely selfish perspective. None of them are good reasons to become a parent. I really don't know any good reasons to choose to become a parent except that it's simply something you have to do if you have that urge. It's sort of like bungee jumping. No one in their right mind does this for any other reason than they have an urge that can't be denied. These reasons are ones that a self centered twentysomething might possibly understand. I doubt it, but it's possible. There's so much more to it than this, but as the old maxim truthfully goes: You won't understand until you have your own.
