What these Thai people are doing is showing you the polite behavior a Thai person uses when they feel that someone is in their charge, which includes any visitor, guest, or valued customer. It's a sign of respect: they feel the obligation toward you, and as a polite visitor, you might consider their feelings in deciding what to do. I usually make one heroic attempt to take care of myself so as to not appear too stuck-up, but if the stakes are not too high, I'll often let them feel that they are important. And when I do refuse, I use an excuse, such as, "I have to meet someone at 3 o1clock," or "I'm tired, and I need to lie down and take a nap," thus making the refusal indirect. To point-blank just say no because you don't want to be bothered would be considered a slap in the face to them.

Nevertheless, sometimes greng jai goes a little farther than the comfort zone of the average farang. I remember spending several days with the parents of some Thai friends, and I wasn't allowed to make any choices for myself. I want to have some fried bananas –no, those aren't good for you. I want to eat at that restaurant – no, we can't eat there, it's not a clean place. I want to go swimming – no, that pool is in a bad hotel. And so on. I know they were trying to protect me from my own ignorance, but those fried bananas sure looked good! I was bound and tied by the wisdom of greng jai.

Then, there was the case of a young American teacher who worked with me at the university. She had met a Thai man in her building who wanted to help her get started in Chiang Mai. After she met him, she almost never got to go out on her own because he was always helping her. If she wanted to buy some fruit, he accompanied her to the market. If she wanted to know where to buy books, he drove her to the bookstore. Whenever she wanted to do something for herself, she found that she couldn't. She was living under a strict regimen of greng jai.

If you have run into greng jai in your travels, you might have either been suspicious, charmed, or not amused at all. I have experienced greng jai with business associates and friends alike: the manager who always picked the restaurant and never let me pay, the girlfriend who came to my guesthouse at six o1clock every night, whether or not I had made plans with her, the friend who wanted to know exactly where I was going every time I left her company. Greng jai has left me chafing and kicking more than a few times.

What are the reasons for our discomfort? If you're like me, you probably like a little wandering and discovering things for yourself. Heck, I even enjoy getting lost once in a while, as long as I am not getting mugged. When someone offers to do everything for me, and walk every step of the way with me, I feel pinned down. But I also understand that the typical Thai person is not brought up the same way as me. They like the feeling of taking care of – and being taken care of – by their friends. They may not see wandering around among those cute little shops down by the river as fun. Where do you want to go? they ask. Let me save you some time.

Farangs also have a strong need for personal space and reflection. They want to be alone, to think, to feel, to write in their diaries. Thais are different. Most Thais like to be with people all the time. Sharing stories and food is where they feel comfortable, whereas being alone isn't something they are good at. When you retreat into your room to read or just think about what a good time you are having, your Thai hosts may inquire, Are you okay? Aren't you lonely?

Thais even have some fear about being alone. A common story I hear is the Thai wife or roommate whose housemate has gone away for a few days on a business trip, and the one who is left at home will either invite a friend over to spend the night, or go away themselves and stay with friends. They don't want to be alone. First, there are ghosts, then, there are the to-kaes (the big gecko lizards), and, come to think of it, there are all kinds of things lurking out there, and besides, one was simply not meant to be alone.

Of course, if your little antennae are working, you may be sensing other reasons besides just good manners motivating your Thai hosts. Some Thais might enjoy treating people because it makes them feel important in their community. Some may enjoy showing off their English skills, or associating with important visitors (that's you, folks, in your khaki shorts and Tilly's hats). Some farangs may be turned off by this, but I try to remember how important it is to the Thais to be recognized. As long as things don't get out of hand, I can usually deal with it.

Then, of course, there is the situation where you feel seriously uncomfortable. Going alone with somebody to a remote place, anything where you are putting up a lot of money, things like this can set off alarms even in seasoned adventurers. I can't give advice on this one. If you feel a situation is unsafe, get out. Happily, however, I can say that although there are some scams involving shopping, the incidence of real violence against tourists is probably much lower in Thailand than it is in the U.S.

Greng jai can be charming in small doses, but very imposing in larger ones. I try to remember that I have traveled to their country, and that these are the rules they live by. When I am with people I just met, I try to refuse unwanted greng jai tactfully. When I am with Thai people I already have a relationship with, then it can be a problem. That1s when I start squirming and trying to get away. Or, I may just shoot a few hours or a day and let them have their way. After all, I might actually enjoy the ride.