Toilets and Showers, Driving in Thailand

Did you enjoy the geography quiz in the last issue?  This time, I'm going to take you around town and show you a few things about daily living in Chiang Mai. 

What's it like to go to the bathroom in Thailand?  It's not the same as in Beverly Hills, but with a little practice you'll be doing it like a pro.  Let me give you an introductory tour.
      When you enter the bathroom, known toThai people as the hawng nam, you will notice that the toilets don't look like the ones we have back home.  They have no seat, but rather a place for you to put both feet instead.  Yes, you're going to have to squat, so I hope you've been doing the leg stretches your doctor told you to do. 
      First, let's hang your bag on the nice convenient hook on the wall that probably isn't there. You don't want your bag on the floor, because the floor is always wet.  No hooks or nails anywhere?  Okay, then try wrapping the straps of the bag around the door handle, so that your bag will be suspended above the floor. Now, see that big bucket next to the toilet, filled with water?  You use that to flush the toilet.  Just pour the water into the toilet (there should be a scoop provided for this purpose), and the toilet will flush itself, as if by magic.  Isn't that great?
      Okay, when you're ready, straddle the toilet and squat down.  I know this is not easy, but you must do it.  While you are doing this, you must remember two things.  One, do not sit down on the toilet, no matter how much you want to.  You can relax in a chair later if you need to.  Second, you must try not to lose your balance.  There may not be much to grab onto, but you'll have to do the best you can. 
      Now, when you are finished, reach for the toilet paper which you brought in with you.  What?  You didn't bring your own toilet paper?  Okay, don't panic.  You see that little hose next to the toilet?  You can use that to wash yourself with, and then afterward you can wash your hands throroughly with soap.  Uh-oh... you didn't bring any soap, either?  Okay, just  rinse your hands at the sink when you are finished, and wipe them on the towels provided (your trousers, your shirt).  Then rush immediately to the nearest convenience store, buy a bar of soap, and carry it with you at all times.  You'll be ready for any emergency. 
      If you live in Thailand, you will learn to carry soap with you, and to pick up toilet paper before you go to the hawng naam.  Most shops and street vendors can give you a few squares of  toilet paper; they always have it lying around because they use it for things like wiping up spills and cleaning things.  It can be found everywhere except where it is really needed - in the bathrooms. 

What are showers like in Thailand?  In the Thai bathroom, different functions are not compartmentalized.  The shower is right over the toilet, or, you could say that the toilet is in the middle of the shower.  The water goes down a hole in the corner of the room.  Everything gets wet all the time, so when you go into the hawng namto wash your hands or anything,  you're going to come out with wet feet.  But relax - mai pen rai- you're in Thailand. 

How do Thai people like to eat?  How do they sleep?  Smart, upwardly mobile Thais in the know like to eat at a table, but many people still prefer to spread things out and sit down on the floor and eat.  Chairs are for farangs, who are too stiff to sit on the floor.
      When it comes to sleeping, Thai people have a great talent; they can sleep on a straw mat on the floor, curled up in the back of a tuk-tuk, at the market (under the counter), and in the classroom.  When I first came to Bangkok, I was amazed to see the girls who worked at my guesthouse sleeping on the hard floor.  They also ate on the floor.  They didn't seem to want it any other way.  I can't help but compare this to the USA, where people are encouraged to feel that they need to have all kinds of gadgets and comforts in order to be happy.  I like a simple life, where I can do what I want and not be bothered.  I like Thailand.   
 
What is it like to drive in Thailand?  It's like taking your life in your hands, like playing Russian roulette.  You will need a helmet, and good reflexes, and nerves of steel.
      When driving in Thailand, one must always be ready for the unexpected.  Some popular maneuvers are driving on the wrong side of the road, turning without signaling, and entering cross traffic without looking.  Driving with the headlights off at night is also common.  Motorcycle drivers weave in and out of traffic, like artists or bullfighters defying danger (while creating even more of it).  Cars and trucks pull in front of motorcycles or crowd them out of their lanes, forcing them to brake suddenly or run off the road. 
      A friend of mine explains that many Thai people do not believe in the same kind of universe that we do in the west.  Their attitude toward cause and effect is different.  If you have an accident, it wasn't what you did (like turning in front of traffic), it was your karma that caused it.  You had an accident because you are having bad luck.  Having bad luck can be very frightening, and once it happens, the thing to do is get the hell out of there, before you have even more bad luck.  And so it is - many people tell me of accidents they have witnessed where both parties got up and drove off, even though they had injuries.   
      When I drive, I always wear a helmet.  Many Thai motorbike drivers don't, or they carry their helmets on their bikes instead of wearing them.  The only thing I ever see police do in Chiang Mai, besides clean up after accidents, is pull motorbike riders over for not wearing helmets.  A fine is usually assessed on the spot.  In spite of this, many Thais who have been busted for this, or who have been in an accident, still won't wear a helmet.  Mai pen rai-  don't worry about it, this is Thailand. 

If you don't have a car, how do you get around?  In Chiang Mai, you have three choices: tuk-tuk, songthaew, and bus.  The buses in Chiang Mai follow a set route, but I found them a little too few and far between for my needs.  The fare is pretty reasonable: five baht, about 20 cents*. 
      Tuk-tuks can be found all over Thailand; they are three-wheeled vehicles that are shaped rather like oversize golf-carts.  They have two stroke engines that chug along very loudly; hence, the name tuk-tuk.  Since they have no meter, fare must be negotiated beforehand, and for a ride from one side of Chiang Mai to the other, the fare might be fifty baht (about two dollars^* ).
      Cheaper than tuk-tuks at five to twenty baht a ride, songthaews offer the traveler the opportunity to really meet the people of Thailand.  Songthaews are pick-up trucks with bench seats in the bed of the truck; passengers sit facing one another, and the feeling is communal.  Songthaews are everywhere, sort of like yellow cabs in New York city, and they will go just about anywhere, for a reasonable price.
^*  As of January 2000, 5 baht = 13 cents, 37.5 baht = $1.00.