This column is another exclusive feature provided by Race Views. All contributions will be considered for publication, but the e-mails written in crayon will not get top priority. If you want your e-mail addresses included with your letters, just say so. Otherwise, we will address your comments but you won't get your 15 minutes of fame. That's your decision. My editor, Michael Arken, is a bad motorscooter and he won't tolerate any obscene letters or any other stupid crap from idiots who think it is O.K. to bad-mouth a driver just because he has a wife who is even better looking than I am. I've learned to live with it, and you need to do the same. Read on!
From DEF out West:
Uncle Mike - I have written you many times. Why won't you admit Jeff Gordon is the best driver ?DEF - You are always polite, but you don't have a clue. Dale Jarrett took home all the marbles this season. Gordon suffered through a dismal season with only 7 wins. He won only $5.2 million. The boy is washed up. Trust me.
From Butch in CA:
Uncle Mike - I don't like people like you.Butch - Then try www.skatingbackwards.com You may find the man of your dreams.
From Mimi in AK:
Uncle Mike - Is Helen Waite a real person ? You say she does the contests for Race Views but I bet my friend you made her up.Mimi - You lose. Helen has her own trowel. She doesn't need my help with make-up. Sorry.
From Jimi in OR:
Uncle Mike - What happened to Ricky Rudd - he didn't win this season ?Jimi - Ricky suffered from the "Single-car Teams Can't Win Syndrome", much like the "White Guys Can't Jump Syndrome" . Except this one was real. Single-car teams can't win any more. Maybe he can land a job with Robert Yates. Stranger things have happened.
From Tony fan in IN:
Uncle Mike - Tony Stewart is my favorite driver. How do you think he will do in 1999?Tony fan - I think he will win 3 races and be Rookie of the Year. Are you in a time warp ? Write me again in about 3 years and I'll predict what will happen in 1998.
From Bubba in KY:
Uncle Mike - Is it true D.W. will retire now instead of having his Victory Tour in 2000 because he fails to make so many races ?Bubba - Only in my dreams would Darrell Waltrip have so much class. He is a delusional egomaniac who will retire the year after Uncle Mike does.
From Brenda in NC:
Uncle Mike - I've been waiting for Rusty Wallace to call me. I've got my #2 sweatshirt and my #2 pager. What's the problem ?Brenda - I think he is ascared of women who drive purple Z-28's.
From Lucky in NV:
Uncle Mike - did you know we have a track here in Las Vegas ?Lucky - No - next thing you'll tell me there is a track in Texas.
From Pearl in TX:
Uncle Mike - Why is A.J Foyt going back to Winston Cup Racing ? Does he need the money ?Pearl - A.J. doesn't need the money any more than Uncle Mike does. It's an ego deal. The last time one of the open-wheel races - IRL/Cart - was telecast, only 4 people watched. Winston Cup is the hot set-up.
From Perplexed in KY:
Uncle Mike - I don't understand why STP is leaving as primary sponsor of the #43 car. Is it true Cheerios will take over ?Perplexed - STP wasn't making any money - and they got bought out by the folks who make Clorox bleach. Cheerios was a natural replacement. I'm going to buy several hundred of the Cheerios' boxes with John Andretti on the front. They'll fetch a good price in a couple hundred years - trust me.
From Wannabe in CA:
Uncle Mike - I'm dying to be a rich and famous reporter, just like you. Can you tell me how you got started ?Wannabe - Don't remember, man - must have been a Thursday. But we have a little piece which might give you some hints: How to Write Articles About Racing. It's rather technical but it might help you.
From Jarrett Fan in NC:
Uncle Mike - Why is Jeff Gordon having such a bad season ?JF in NC - Are you in a coma ? Gordon has won 5 races and $4.5 million. Write me again when you are off life-support.
From JoJo in LaLa Land:
Uncle Mike - Is it true you were there when Nascar was formed ? If so, why don't you ever talk about it ?JoJo - Of course it's true - I'm just very modest. That's why I write under a pseudonym - my real name is Uncle Gertrude.
From Marilyn in CO:
Uncle Mike - We are going to have a Winston Cup Race here in Denver any day now. What do you think of that, wise guy ?Marilyn - I think that thin air causes brain damage. Move to NC before it it's too late.
From Sluggo in ND:
Uncle Mike - We don't get very good race coverage here in Nebraska. Is there anything you can do to help ?Sluggo - Sorry - you'll have to move to the USA and then I can help you.
From worried in NE:
Uncle Mike - I don't think Dale Jarrett can hold on to win the 1999 Championship. I'm his biggest fan. Worried - Big fans scare me - I'm very old and very frail.
From Rocky in PA:
Uncle Mike - Tony Stewart is having a tremendous rookie season. Can you explain it ? Rocky - Great young driver with a great team. Joe Gibbs is the best owner is Winston Cup, in my opinion. I've said it before.
From Richard in ND:
Uncle Mike - I know that was you I saw driving the #71 car last weekend. Why do you let Dave Marcis get all the credit ?Richard - O.K., you are right. But I'm just the relief driver. Dave needs the money and I don't. Dave is still into the ego deal and I'm just trying to give away Race Views t-shirts. I'd autograph one if anyone would ever ask me to.
From Melissa in MS:
Uncle Mike - Is Tony Stewart going to win Rookie of the Year this season? I think he is so cute.Melissa - The only reason I answered your letter is I have a sister named Melissa - but she's not retarded. Tony Stewart will defintely win Rookie of the Year. He has no competition - Buckshit Jones - spare me, please.
From Bruce in MI:
Uncle Mike - I know you hate short people. Short people can drive race cars, too.Bruce - Yes - short people can drive race cars - but not very well. I also hate tall people. How many races has Michael Waltrip won ? Zippo !
From Mike in NC:
Uncle Mike - Why is Ernie Irvan having such a terrible time this season ?Mike - I think he forgets which eye to put the patch on.
From Millie in VT:
Uncle Mike - How do you choose which letters to answer in your column ?Millie - Is this a trick question ? I answer all of them. I just don't receive very many. Most people are afraid of me.
From Leroy in NY:
Uncle Mike - How come Jeff Gordon is doing so badly this season ?Leroy - Is NY still in the USA ? Have you been in a coma ? Gordon has won 3 races and nearly 3 million dollars this season. Doesn't sound too bad to me.
From Larry in VA:
Uncle Mike - Why didn't Nascar black-flag the #99 when it was smoking so badly ?Larry - Several reasons. Gary Nelson doesn't have the balls to disqualify a Nascar/Ford before the race even starts. Not to mention Jeff Burton is temporarily in the points lead. And Nascar would have us believe Nascar/Ford oil does not leave a residue on the track.
From DEF97 in OR:
Uncle Mike - I hear Jeffer is having some family problems.DEF97 - Not true. Brooke accidently winged him with one of her diamonds. As I told Oprah, it was just one of them racin' deals.
From Mimi in NV:
Uncle Mike - Who's going to win the race at Talladega ?Mimi - Let me give you a hint - he drives a black, #3 Chevy. The race is over, sweetheart. Maybe you can get someone to bet you on the replay of the race. Earnhardt hasn't won 2 in a row for a long time.
From Bubba in TN:
Uncle Mike - Whatcha think about Urnhart winning them races last weekend ?Bubba - I remember seeing you at Talladega. You are a real sport. Loved that #3 tattoo on your face. Nice idea. If you ever sober up, you'll die.
From Muffy in ?:
Uncle Mike - Is it true good things happen to good people ?Muffy - How in the hell would I know. And what has your question got to do with racing ?
From Cindy in TN:
Uncle Mike - your writing is always so acerbic. Do you have an attitude ? Cindy - First, I want to know who taught you the word 'acerbic'. Then I'll tell you if I have an attitude, you moron.
From D.J. Fan in NC:
Uncle Mike, do you just use letters from your relatives or do I have a chance of getting my letter published ?
D.J. Fan - Yes. No.
From Old Fan in Mo:
Uncle Mike, Bruton Smith ambushed the fans again this year at Texas Motor Speedway. What are you going to do about it !
Old Fan - I have no way of knowing if you are an old fan or an old fool. Bruton Smith has an established reputation and I can't protect you from yourself.
From DEF in OR:
Uncle Mike, Is it true you are gay ?
DEF - Why, yes. I laugh almost every day. Trust me. I have a great time.
From AM in WV:
Uncle Mike, Did Darrell Waltrip actually qualify 12th for Bristol ?
AM -Of course not - it's just Nascars's idea of an April Fools' Day joke. D.W. has been a joke for a long time and Nascar is just cashing in on it.
From #1 Ford Fan in MD:
Uncle Mike, why haven't the multi-car teams done better this year ?
#1- Are you brain-dead ? Who sent this e-mail for you ?
From Muffy in UT:
Uncle Mike, Could you send me an autographed picture ? I make the best muffins - you wouldn't believe.
Muffy - Believe this, Muffy. Not in this lifetime.
This week’s Letter of the Week - and it’s 100% real
From no.1hoser-in-arizona@worldnet.att.net:
IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE ABOUT NASCAR THEN FIND A DIFFERNT [sic] SPORT THAT YOU CAN WHINE ABOUT AND I WILL SEND YOU SOME CHEESE TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR WHINE.
Hoser - Thanks for the kind words. People like you keep me motivated. I’d prefer a sharp cheddar. I have no idea what a ‘hoser’ is and I refused to use your comment “my page sucks”.
From D.J. Fan in NC:
Uncle Mike, What is Dale Jarrett going to do in the off-season ? I hear he is going to a Chevy team next season.
D.J. Fan - DJ will NOT be going to Disney World to celebrate winning his 1st Championship. DJ would love to go to a Chevy team. He’s been on the waiting list for a long time.
From Old Fan in Mo:
Uncle Mike, Now that the new race track is being built in St. Louis can you tell me how long it will be before they get a Winston Cup race date?
Old Fan - I have no way of knowing how old you are. Let me put it this way : Uncle Mike will get a date with Miss Winston Cup before this yet-to-be-completed track gets a race date. Trust me.
From DEF in OR:
Uncle Mike, Why do you like restrictor-plate races so much ? All the plate races are filled with multi-car wrecks.
DEF - I know there is a wreck every now and then but NASCAR, in their infinite wisdom, has slowed these 3400 pound race cars to an anemic 190 mph, so the wrecks are insignificant.
From BM in NJ:
Uncle Mike, My nephew Bruno has entered youse contest several times and youse hasn’t sent him no-shirt yet. Do youse know who youse is dealing with?
BM - Let me guess - Bruno has no neck and you have no brains. You also have no t-shirt. That isn’t going to change any time soon. I’m much more susceptible to bribes than I am to threats.
From Dreamy in NV:
Uncle Mike, Isn’t it true you used to dance in that male revue, The Clydesdales ? I saw your picture and you look very familiar.
Dreamy - Yes, it’s true. I tried to get a job with the Chippendales but I was over-qualified.
From Gayle in LA:
Uncle Mike, I heard John Andretti is going to buy the #43 team from Richard Petty. Can this be true ?
Gayle - It could be, but it’s not. The truth is, Andretti wanted Richard to buy him a #43 die-cast car but neither of them could afford it. There are so many air-heads buying these collector cars the prices have been driven sky-high. Sorta like Beanie babies. If Uncle Mike ever does a column on consumer protection he’ll warn the fans about stupid crap like that.
Want More? Check out Uncle Mike's Archive
Send your comments or questions to: Ask Uncle Mike
Home | Current Editorial | Racing Links | M.L.'s NASCAR Flags
Banner from OVER THE RAINBOW: Tons of Free Clipart
