Just For Laughs!!!

Feeling a little down? Need something to make you Laugh?? Well then this is the page for you! I have lots of people who email me jokes of all kinds. So I thought I would share a few with everyone on the 'net! Heard any good jokes lately? Want to share them with someone? Send 'em to me and if they are truly funny I will post them here! Never know who may pop in for a peep... so try to keep 'em general audience type jokes, OK?



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How many members of Your Sign does it take to change a light bulb?


Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away!

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "OH, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious beast froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in me!"

"Come on God, give a break!!!," the man pleaded, "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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There was a really nice young man, and young woman, a young couple as you might say. They had been engaged for three years, staying celibate all that time so as not to spoil their marriage. But at last The Day came, and they were wed.

After the wedding breakfast the newly-weds set off for their honeymoon, but alas, their car was smashed by a drunk driver, and they were both killed.

When they arrived in Heaven, they explained to St. Peter that they had still not consummated their marriage, and would they be able to get married again, in Heaven, and then get on with it?

St. Peter said that it was a very unusual situation, but he would find out and get back to them.
Some years went by, and the young couple became anxious, and saw St. Peter again. He apologised, and said there were some difficulties, but to be patient.

Some more years went by, and finally St Peter got back to the couple, saying that it was all arranged. So they were wed. After a very few weeks the pair approached St Peter and said they were sorry, but they found that they simply couldn't stand each other, and could they have a divorce.

"Look!" shouted St Peter, "It was hard enough to find a priest up here, and now you want me to find a lawyer!"

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Irritation, aggravation, and frustration

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police."
End of conversation.
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"


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A Kentucky Judge once had a case in which the defendant was accused of kicking another citizen in the stomach. The defense argued that there was no real evil intent. When the defendant took the stand, the prosecutor shouted at him, "How in the world can you possible say that you delivered this terrific kick in the stomach without intending to ?"

"Well..." the defendant replied, "He just turned around too damn quick, that's all."
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How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, the sockets go with the house.



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One Liners....

Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California ...... WAS HIS

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills..... Making the last car payment.

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

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* The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms *

Benign -- What you be after you be eight.

Artery -- The study of paintings.

Bacteria -- Back door to cafeteria.

Barium -- What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section -- A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan -- Searching for kitty.

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her.

Colic -- A sheep dog.

Coma -- A punctuation mark.

D & C -- Where Washington is.

Dilate -- To live long.

Enema -- Not a friend.

Fester -- Quicker than someone else.

Fibula -- A small lie.

Genital -- Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series -- World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail. -- What you hang your coat on.

Impotent -- Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain -- Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff -- A Doctor's cane.

Morbid -- A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates -- Cheaper than day rates.

Node -- I knew it.

Outpatient -- A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear -- A fatherhood test.

Pelvis -- Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative -- A letter carrier.

Recovery Room -- Place to do upholstery.

Rectum -- Damn near killed him.

Secretion -- Hiding something.

Seizure -- Roman emperor.

Tablet -- A small table.

Terminal Illness -- Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor -- More than one.

Urine -- Opposite of you're out.

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