I am writing to clarify an obvious mis-understanding that has occured between Chelsea and one Mr S Blatter, President of FIFA. Mr Blatter has gone on record to berate and belittle those Chelsea players who decided against travelling to Israel. Interestingly Sepp has defended his own decision not to travel Israel to watch a world cup qualifier, explaining "I have to travel and I would have been to watch Austria play in Israel if I had not had a problem with my leg." I would personally like to wish Sepp a speedy recovery from his leg problem; as a medical man I know what problems a gammy leg can cause, especially when you are squashed into your first class seat. Let's hope he does not have to have the offending limb sawn off with a rusty saw. God forbid ! I suspect that Blatter is self-medicating to dull the pain of his drink-induced gout. Why do I suspect he is a drug fiend ? Because his press release was littered with Hoddle-esque references to god. A tired and emotional Blatter claimed that the "god of football" was watching as Chelsea lost to Hapoel Tel Aviv. But he did not stop there. He claimed to be "concerned about security but I pray to Allah, the god of football or whoever, that the world's most popular game is not disturbed." I would prescribe the liberal use of the liquid cosh, as the patient is obviously delusional. He would also benefit from having live scorpions inserted into his mouth and his lips sewn shut with thread made from the tendons in his hands. The world would see an immediate improvement.
I do indeed, but I must make it clear that the opinions expressed on this page as to the cause of Sepp's gammy leg do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the owner of this site (that's me, by the way). No - my own guess is that Sepp's leg trouble is caused by syphilis or gonnorhea. Did you know that he is wanted by Interpol, the FBI, the CIA, the KGB and the Co-op for child molestation and has several convictions for bestiality ? It is also a little known fact that, as a close personal friend, he paid for Osama Bin Laden's penis enlargement surgery out of FIFA funds. Sepp's favourite foods are pan-fried baby panda and smoked koala, which he regularly demands from his hosts while on his extensive junkets to see who will pay him the most money in exchange for hosting the World Cup. On the plus side he has three illegitimate children by Mother Theresa of Calcutta, so he can't be all that bad.
Priesty.
© 2001
Priesty's Chelsea FC Refuge.
Sir,
