Welcome to Priesty´s Chelsea FC Refuge - In memory of Matthew Harding

Surgery Notes - May 2002

Sir,

Ah ! The end of the season is upon us once again but the sense of fulfillment, that sort of post-ecstasy buzz, lingers on. I for one really enjoyed this season, and I would like to thank everyone, from Dean Richards (rubbish) to David Ellery (pervert) for their sterling performances. In the spirit of the post-season I have put together a test designed to provide an accurate psycho-graphic profile of Priesty's readership (ie you). To begin with I would like you to clear your mind, think of a mill pond, calm and serene, remembering to breathe from time to time. There are no right or wrong answers.

1) Which Chelsea reject do you hate the most ?
  1. Mark Hughes
  2. Gus Poyet
  3. Ray Wilkins
2) Who is your favourite player ?
  1. Lee Dixon
  2. Eddie Newton, FA Cup final scorer !
  3. Dean Saunders
3) You are at the game. Your mate is called a muppet by one of four psychos sitting directly behind you on the benches of the West Stand. What do you do ?

  1. Get the Bovrils in
  2. Completely lose it and offer to fight psycho no. 1, there and then
  3. Pretend you heard nothing
4) Which of the following best describes Sir Ken of Bates:

  1. A Bentley driver
  2. Our own (white) Malcolm X
  3. A megalomaniac
5) You are on your way to an away match at Oldham. You arrive late at Wimbledon BR station without a ticket, and need to get on the Underground sharpish. What do you do ?

  1. Head to the off-licence
  2. Get involved in a fist fight with the ticket collector
  3. Pay full fare
6) Your best mate is an Arsenal fan. What do you do ?

  1. Ignore the cunt
  2. Fuck up his marriage, go out with his 15 year daughter and take his place on the pool team.
  3. Congratulate him on his success
7) You are leaving the Legless Ladder on your way to the Bridge. The boys in front of you are smoking pure skunk weed. What do you do ?

  1. Start singing in a loud cockney voice: "Buffalo soldier, dreadlock Rasta"
  2. Ask for a blast
  3. Report them to the old bill, who wouldn't give a fuck, so don't bother
8) Whose year is it ?

  1. Roberto Di Matteo, magician
  2. Sir Ken Bates, 20 years, loud and proud
  3. Arsene Wegner, alleged to have similar tastes to Rixy
9) Who would you like to beat to frothy, bloodied pulp ?

  1. Freddie the Swede
  2. John Gregory
  3. Ken Bates
10) Who had the best game against Chelsea this season ?

  1. Dean Richards, Spurs
  2. Warren Barton, Derby
  3. Ray Parlour, Hairdresssers
11) Which of the following best describes Jokanovic:

  1. His heart is in the right place
  2. He was the playmaker at Deportivo La Coruna, so shut the fuck up
  3. He is rubbish
12) What is your attitude towards Vialli ?

  1. Chelsea's most successful manager
  2. A balding Italian playboy who has transformed Watford into a mid-table nationwide team
  3. Sack Claudio !
Now the scoring. if you got mostly:

A's:

You are a rough diamond and a chancer. My advice to you is to take more recreational drugs, especially uppers.

B's:

Give yourself a pat on the back. You have an exceptional IQ and are enormously attractive to the opposite sex. However without wanting to alarm you unduly, you are displaying alarming Priesty-like tendencies. Be careful and stay away from cricket.

Mostly C's:

I will be surprised if I am the first to tell you this but you are one fucked-up individual. There is little hope for someone like you, your only hope is to move to Manchester. I feel sorry for you.

You see my point ?

Dr Les.

Trust you to bring up the past, Les. Questions 3 and 5 are based on incidents that happened to me, and you know perfectly well that I must answer "B" in each case. Please also remember that the psychos not only called you a muppet, but implied that you needed some specs. Under those circumstances surely any friend worth his salt would have offered to fight the cunts. I would also remind you that I could mention a few incidents that would make you feel a bit of a tit as well. To that end I have added my own question:

13) It is your birthday. You arrive at the Bridge for the first game of the season, having partaken of several large spliffs, some cocaine and an ecstasy tablet. You wash this down with a whole bottle of tequila, some beers and a couple of vodkas. You are having trouble focussing and fail to notice an 18 year old copper taking an interest in you. He looks into your eyes, sees nobody there and refuses you admission for your own and everyone else's good. What do you do ?

  1. Threaten to have him drummed out of the police force and demand to speak to his superior
  2. Ruin Priesty's attempts to persuade the senior officer to let you in by drunkenly yelling "Who's this cunt, Priesty ?"
  3. Admit defeat, thank the officers and walk quietly away

PS: In case you're stuck, the correct answer to this one is A and B...

Priesty.


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© 2002 Priesty's Chelsea FC Refuge.