14th May 2004 I'm sure all true football fans will join me in mourning the demise of once-mighty Leeds, who have been relegated to the first division and are in financial dire straits into the bargain. Leeds dominated football in this country during the seventies, playing with a direct and robust style applauded by all who appreciate good football. The Premiership will sorely miss this great club and its fantastic supporters. Let's hope they can get back to winning ways as soon as possible. Good riddance to Leeds, the dirtiest team ever to disgrace a football field. Relegation is too good for them - let's hope they keep on going and end up in the Skipton Sunday League within three seasons. Don Revie, Monkey-Head Reid and David O'Bleary are the three biggest cunts ever to have "managed" a football club, and it's no surprise that they all ended their careers at Leeds. And yes, I know O'Bleary is at Aston Villa and Monkey-Head is at Coventry - I rest my case. PS: Leeds' smelly, whippet-fancying fans can fuck off and all. Bye bye Leeds - don't cry !
Going, Going, Gus I note with some amusement that Poyet has been given his marching orders by Rottenham, just two short years after he shat on Chelsea merely because they wouldn't give him a contract for more than a year at a time. Since his arrival at Rottenham poor old Podger has spent the majority of his time on the physio's bench, and even when fit has rarely got a start, presumably because kerb-crawling rascal Pleaty also thinks he a tosser. Some readers may remember Podger's classic explanation of why he was leaving Chelsea to join the second-worst team in the Premiership: "I am joining Tottenham because I want to win things". Presumably he will be happy with a tourist class plane ticket back to Montevideo, because that's all he's going to get out of Spurs. 6th May 2004 Firstly, for reasons I will not bore you with, I had to watch the match in a snooker hall. This indirectly caused me to miss Chelsea's second goal, because I was distracted by a girl with enormous breasts who was leaning over a pool table. If that were not bad enough, we then had to contend with a referee who was so blatantly biased that he blew for time a good twelve seconds early, thus depriving Chelsea of three certain goals. Thirdly, as usual Don Claudio made a huge tactical error, and I don't mean substituting Jimmy for that minger Crespo. No, his mistake was in letting Deschamps anywhere near him at the end of the game. All that kissing and hugging just made them look like a couple of sausage jockeys. Claudio, get with the programme! You should have chinned the cunt, or worse. Lastly, I say let's not be dismayed by this defeat at the hands of a mediocre pub team from a tinpot seaside town. Never forget that we have soundly thrashed virtually every other team in Europe, plus all the second-raters in our own country, (Arsenal, Man U and Fulham) into the bargain. We are the Chelsea and we are the best. Fuck all the rest. My advice is to hold your head high and kill anyone who looks at you funny, cos WE ARE THE FAMOUS CFC ! I think the tranquillisers are about to kick in, so I will pass you into the incapable hands of Dr Les without further ado. 23rd April 2004 Some might say that Ron was worth keeping for pure entertainment value, but frankly there are enough comedians (Ken Bates, Kenyon, the FA) in football already without adding to it for no good reason. As for the racism thing, in his defence Ron is acknowledged as a man who promoted black talent at a time when it was deeply unfashionable. Black ex-players like Brendon Batson and Carlton "Marijuana" Palmer have condemned what Ron said about Desailly ("He is what is known in some schools as a fucking lazy, thick nigger"), but at the same time have said that they don't believe he's a racist. If black people are prepared to support Ron even after what he said the other night you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I prefer to believe that Ron is not a racist, but is in fact what is known in some schools as a fucking lazy, thick white man. No doubt Dr Les will have his own ideas about BFR. Or will he ? Watch this space... 21st April 2004 While we are at it, let's not be having any honking about how Chelsea are fucked in the Champions League. I expect the Blues to slot at least six goals in the home leg, while only letting in the one in return. I recommend that you visit Mr William Hill's at once and wager your entire pay packet on this, plus of course anything you can steal from your wife's purse. You know it makes sense. 8th April 2004 Although I have been highly unamused by the increasingly desperate attempts by these reptiles to sack Don Claudio, with the apparent motive of selling a few more papers, I am equally amused at their stunning about-turn since Chelsea, with the Don at the helm, propelled themselves irresistably into the semi-finals of the European Championship. Not only are the "gentlemen" of the press now baying for Claudio to be given a new contract, a huge rise and a daily handjob off Nancy Dell'Olio; they are, with stunning but completely unsurprising hypocrisy, deriding Roman and Kenyon as swine for even entertaining the idea of replacing him ! To paraphrase Dr Les, you just cannot buy that sort of entertainment, can you ? Speaking of Dr Les, and you know how reluctant I am to do so, my spies tell me that he has fallen victim to an untimely accident while carousing in Bangkok. Although I can't confirm this yet, it seems that the odious quack tripped while running up a marble staircase to get at a line of whores standing at the top and has broken his leg. Life can hardly get better, can it ? I expect Les' side of the story forthwith... 18th Mar 2004 Do not say I didn't warn you. Speaking of which, that arse Dr Les has been on my case again, banging on about Ken Bates the Messiah, etc. Well although I am quite sorry to see Ken go from the pure entertainment point of view, he actually left the club in exactly the same position as when he arrived: skint and with the bailiffs about to steam in. OK so there are some hotels and a nice new stadium, but a club in receivership is a dead duck no matter how much empire building has been going on. Needless to say, as befits a mental pygmy of the lowest order, Les has a different viewpoint. 4th December 2003 Once again I'm put to shame by the odious Dr Les, who has penned a vitriolic attack on some of the well-known figures in the Premiership. If there are any lawyers reading this who specialise in litigation I ask you to go no further, as I don't fancy spending Christmas under a welter of law suits. If on the other hand you're a football fan, which is unlikely given that this site has almost nothing to do with football, please read on.. 9th October 2003
Back to the matter in hand: I admit to a feeling of slight bemusement recently when it comes to Chelsea Football Club. One thing's for sure: The Roman invasion can not be resisted. On the one hand we have a squad of world-class players and a super-rich benefactor, but on the other hand none of these people are here because they're loyal to Chelsea Football Club. I get the impression that if a better financial offer were to come along none of them, including Roman, would think twice before abandoning ship. Meanwhile the fans are here for the duration and have to put up with being a rich man's hobby. Know what I mean ? As a fan it's hard not to feel kind of sidelined. I realise that this is the way things are going in football, and has been for some time, but - and call me a dinosaur if you like - I find it all a little lacking in taste and decency, and I'm left with a feeling of vague disappointment. It feels like we are kind of cheating in the quest for honours. The playing field, if you will forgive the pun, is not level. Where will it all lead ? It's anybody's guess, and it depends on whether for you the glass is half full or half empty. I am usually in the former category, but it's hard to be optimistic when you think about the ramifications for more than a nanosecond. We will just have to go along for the ride, I guess. You will not find me backward in coming forward to celebrate when Chelsea win the Championship, that's for sure. Let's just hope that it will not be a Pyrrhic victory (ps: that's where the cost of victory is greater than the prize, Les). Speaking of Dr Les, and I'm afraid it's unavoidable, I've received a letter, post-marked Bangkok, that can only be described as complete bollocks masquerading as a masterly grasp of the state of football. Judge for yourself, if you can stomach it. 15th August 2003 14th August 2003 The defence will also have some work to do before Sunday's game against the scousers if they wish to avoid conceding goals - they looked a bit lacking in concentration on a couple of occasions that would definitely have resulted in goals against sharper opposition. I know everything about football, me.. 8th August 2003 Christian Vieri - will he, won't he ? Yawn. Does anyone actually give a monkey's ? I know I don't - we already have four of the best forwards in the world at the club, so I'm not interested in the Prima Donna behaviour of Vieri's club, his agent, the media or anyone else who wants to dip their fingers in this particular pie. I say shut the fuck up until and unless he signs the contract. 7th August 2003 Juan Sebastian Veron: Wayne Bridge: Geremi: Joe Cole: Glen Johnson: The Champions League qualifiers vs MSK Zilina should be interesting - Chelsea will be vulnerable with five new players in the side, and it may be tricky. One thing is for sure, the reptiles of the media will be dying to stick the boot in if Chelsea don't win everything in sight. Personally I reckon Chelsea be extremely lucky to win anything this season, but if Don Ranieri can keep a) his job and b) the team together for more than one season then we might be talking. How typical of Chelsea to announce the signing of Wayne Bridge but fail to mention that Chelsea Legend and faithful servant Graeme Le Saux was going the other way until two days later. True fans of Chelsea will miss Le Saux's entertaining style of play as well as his huge commitment to Chelsea Football Club, even if Chelsea don't. Who can forget his handbag duets with the likes of Lee Dixon, Ratboy Fowler and Danny Mills ? Another player who can show the likes of Poyet how to leave a club with their head held high. Best of luck, Graeme. You will be welcome round at my place any time. Also I know for a fact that Dr Les rates you almost as highly as he does Kerry Dixon - there's no greater honour than that. 9th July 2003 The bastards offered Franco less money to stay than he'd been getting before. End of fucking story. My question is, why didn't they just thank Franco for all his hard work before giving him a good kicking and showing him the door ? It would have been a fuck's sight less of an insult. To cap it all, when the Russki marched in waving wads of roubles, they suddenly upped the offer ! Clearly they had forgotten that they weren't dealing with the usual Arthur Daley type of footballer - a huge mistake, as it turns out, because in the meantime Franco had made a verbal agreement with Cagliari, and needless to say he refused to go back on his word. The end result is that we lose possibly the finest footballer ever seen in England, and Chelsea are once again made to look like small-minded cunts. Never mind, it's not the first time it's happened, is it ? I refer you to the pig's ear of the sacking of our previous manager, Lord Luca of Vialli. Enough of this - let's try to forget about the shabby treatment of our best ever player by the club, and thank our lucky stars that we had the unbelievable privilege of watching Franco during the five years he spent at Chelsea. We will be lucky if we ever see his like again; there are a few players around who could arguably match him for skill, but you won't find many with the commitment he showed to the club and his obvious respect for the fans.
More to the point you will not find many who command the love and respect from the fans that Zola did. Best of luck, Franco, we will miss you. Unlike some players I could mention, (Poyet, for instance) you leave us with your head held high, a genuine Chelsea Legend. You will always be welcome round my house if you ever come back to England. What's more, Dr Les says he will throw in his sister, although why he thinks you would be wanting bovine company is beyond me... 18th June 2003 Whilst on the subject of lunatics, the estimable Dr Les has once again been in contact, this time in a strangely mellow mood. Alas this is sadly only temporary, and due to excessive use of marijuana and Xanax. All the same we must take advantage of Les' temporary incapacitation to take a fascinating glimpse into what can only be described as a completely fucked worldview... 22nd May 2003 The list of transgressions is growing daily, but it doesn't worry me in the slightest - I actually caught my solicitor, Mr Mudie of Carnt and Mudie of Fulham, rubbing his hands together the other day when reading the latest slander, in which the so-called medic is accusing me, with stunning hypocrisy, of disturbing the denizens of Onslow Square with sordid street drug use... 20th May 2003 Coming back down to earth for a moment, I had the deep misfortune to attend, in a loutish and bovine way, the Liverpoo game with the odious Dr Les. I can tell you that his enforced sojourn in the cesspits of south-east Asia has taught him nothing, apart, that is, from an increased capacity to behave like an idiot. In spite of my obvious handicap, I confess that I haven't enjoyed myself so much in the presence of scousers since we whacked them 4-2 in the Cup a few years ago when the wankers were winning 2-0 at half-time. The boys played with fire in their bellies, and the future is looking rosy. I am now looking forward to the inevitable jockeying for better contracts from the players and the equally inevitable clean-out that will follow. My advice is not to hold your breath waiting for star names to come to the club - we will be lucky if we get a quality replacement for Jimmy.. See you next season ! Previous rants
© 1996-2004
Priesty's Chelsea FC Refuge.
As Good As It Gets
Please choose from either of the two following options:Option One:
Monaco - Arsenal In Disguise ?
Having had a couple of days to reflect on the appalling events of the other night, I am in an even better position than usual to offer unbiased, calm and rational observations on what may seem to many a bad defeat in the Champions League.
Bigot Fat Ron Bites The Dust
The thing that strikes me about the BFR affair is not that he was dumped by ITV and the Guardian for racism, but that he wasn't sacked years ago for being so comprehensively shit as a commentator. With his brylcreem and gold medallion style, he must be one of the most annoying twats in football, ever. I've lost count of the times I've found myself shouting at the TV screen when he's on. Here are just a few of the "Ronglish" gems he has come up with during his time:
Champions League semi-final: Monaco 3-1 Chelsea
The worst thing to have happened to Chelsea this season ? You're having a laugh - last night there was an article in the Evening Standard with the headline: "Chelsea - Hands Off David O'Leary". The quote was attributed to Aston Villa's laughable chairman "Deadly" Doug Ellis, which obviously implies that Chelsea have shown some interest in replacing Don Claudio with O'Leary, a man who is living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. If that's not bad news, I don't fucking well know what is.
Arse Cracks
My increasingly few regular readers, bless them, will know that I rarely comment on the goings-on surrounding Chelsea Football Club unless I feel I have something impertinent to say, on the grounds that there are already a thousand other idiots who spend their entire time spouting absolute bollocks on the subject. The events of the other night are well-documented, so although I'm obviously knocked out by what the boys achieved at Highbury I will restrict myself to taking the piss out of the gutter press.
Priesty Where ?
Hello, readers. Let me be the first to wish you a very Happy New Year. Where have I been ? I have been sulking, that's where. Why ? Because I'm sick of the never-ending conveyor belt of rumour and innuendo about Chelsea, and in particular Don Claudio, that's being peddled around by morons with nothing better to do with their time, i.e. the gutter press. What has it got to do with football ? Fuck nothing. What has it got to do with selling newspapers ? Fuck everything. Well I'm not going to take it any more. If I hear any of the following one more time I am going to run amok with a chainsaw in my local branch of Tescos:
United, United, Ha Ha Ha
Hello again, readers. My deliberate minimalism in updating the site is obviously doing the trick, as you are reading this. Wasn't it great to see Chelsea stuff it up Man U at the Bridge ? For me by far the most enjoyable moment was observing Man U's unbending adherence to the unwritten rule that referees must be intimidated at all times, as neanderthal throwback Keane and his slack-jawed mate Neville tried in vain to "persuade" the ref that the clearest penalty ever seen, wasn't. Needless to say all they succeeded in doing was giving the poor old ref a nice spittle facewash while further sullying the name of football, and giving Chelsea fans a fucking good laugh in the process.
Sex, Drugs, Rum And Ribena
Oooh - there's all sorts going off in the football world, isn't there, readers ? Where shall we start ?
No change there
I have heard that recreational drugs affect your short term memory (only kidding, Rio, we all know you're innocent. Just stupid.)
Mmmmmmfffff...(HEAVILY CENSORED)
Germany Calling
Bad news: Klaus, my former regular correspondent, has popped up again, having been deported midway through last season for various "misunderstandings" that turned out to be covered under the Sex Offenders Act (1997). Still, as I mentioned to Dr Les only the other day, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
A Good Start
A solid, workmanlike 2-0 victory at MSK Zilina means that Chelsea are in the driving seat in the return leg and should therefore be aiming at raising their game to entertain the fans rather than just doing enough - we want to see what Don Ranieri has got for Tsar Roman's money.
Sizzling Summer Update
Oops - I failed to mention Damien Duff in yesterday's item. This is because I had forgotten that Chelsea has signed him. It makes little difference - I know next to nothing about him and I refuse to listen to anything the appalling Graham Souness has to say, so I will therefore be reserving judgement until I've seen Duff play for the Blues a few times.
Sizzling Summer Signings
If anyone is remotely interested, here are my first thoughts on Chelsea's summer signings. Of course it's said in some quarters (Dr Les) that I know fuck nothing about football, and I would probably have to agree with that assessment, but here goes anyway:
I would respectfully suggest that Senor Veron has got plenty to prove if Lord Fergie, a man not known for his lack of judgement, is prepared to flog him at such a huge loss.
From what I've seen of him, which is very little, I'd say he's a good buy, if only because the alternative is Baba, a complete liability as a defender.
A class act. Already showing signs of becoming a worthy successor to Gianfranco in the free-kicking department, and certainly no slouch in midfield. Not sure about his temperament, though.
Potentially the best buy of the lot. This signing has excited me more than all the others put together. Assuming he fits in at Chelsea he has the potential to go a long way if handled properly by Don Ranieri. Cole has huge talent, but it will take time before he can think of filling Franco's shoes.
Who ?
The King Is Dead - Long Live The Tsar
You are probably expecting a rant about Ken Bates, shady Russians and European domination, but frankly all that stuff pales into insignificance when you consider that the best player ever to have graced the sacred turf at Stamford Bridge has left us in shameful circumstances. Shameful, that is, from the point of view of Chelsea Football Club. Why ? I will tell you..
Are You Receiving Me ?
As it's the close season, I can only assume that if you're reading this you either have no social life or you are a crazy person. This is fine by me, as you represent the vast majority of my readership, so allow me to extend to you a very warm welcome.
Dr Les - Buffalo Soldier
I last saw Les in a heap outside a pub in South Kensington on Sunday night after the Liverpoo match, so I was not expecting to hear from him again for several weeks. Unfortunately for everyone he managed to get his flight back to the far east the next day, and having licked his wounds he has launched another savage attack on my integrity.
In The League Of Champions...
...Albeit as fourth place scrapings, but who gives a monkey's ? The Mighty Blues are back in Europe where they belong. I give you my personal guarantee that, come next May, Sir Kenneth of Bates will be stumping up for an extra-large display cabinet to hold the "Cup with the Big Ears", as our dear departed manager, Lord Luca of Vialli dubbed it. Yes - you heard it here first; go out and put your shirt on it. You will clean up and I will only charge you 5% of your winnings...
