This essay was written in 1998. I am absolutely still polyamorous, but my life has changed dramatically. I hope that the information contained in this essay is still valuable to those living poly lifestyles.
Issues of Sharing in a Poly Family
This article is based on some questions asked by Ryam Nearing, for possible inclusion in her magazine, Loving More.
The article would focus on the realities of sharing deeply on all levels (from simple resources - i.e., things - to more abstract factors like space, time, attention, etc.) in complex relationships.
Tamsen (4/20/98 and 4/21/98)
I would like to preface my answers with the perhaps obvious comment that everything is very much dependent on the situation, as well as on the personalities involved. There is no black and white (though it certainly feels that way at times). There are no absolutes, only trends. There are no clichés... :-)
I think there definitely can be many good reasons to keep some of these separate. My personal values about sharing tend towards it being a good idea - depending on the relationship and the situation...
I have been in various types of poly relationships in my lifetime and my responses to this question, as well as most of the others, would be very different for one form versus another.
I've had poly relationships which were close, and sometimes even Primary, where we chose not to share money, per se. Generally speaking (for me, of course), the issue of sharing finances isn't even a consideration unless the relationship is "Primary." With "Secondary" lovers, money issues have been handled in various ways. With some lovers, everything was split 50-50. With others, whoever had the most, contributed the most. It has been purely dependent, as I mentioned, on the individuals and the circumstances. IMO, people should do what feels right to them, regardless of what others may advise.
I lived in one house with fifteen people, most of whom were intimate with each other - to varying degrees. We each paid rent on our own rooms, and paid an equal share of all the household bills and expenses. There were no combined income or expense issues, except very occasionally. That worked for us and was appropriate for the situation and the people involved.
In my current poly relationship, which is basically a polyfidelitous Quad (made up of two pre-existing couples), we share almost everything. These are my Primary partners. We are very committed to one another and hope to be together for the rest of our lives.
If our family has the opportunity to expand one day and include other lovers, that will be a bonus, but the four of us (plus assorted children and pets) are in this relationship for the long haul. Adding new lovers will likely mean re-examining all of these issues about sharing, as well as other issues...
Money - Money is probably a big issue for most people, whether they be single, in a dyad, in an extended family, or whatever. It's likely that money does become an even more touchy subject when it is complicated by the number of partners.
In my current relationship, the decision to combine our finances (all finances - debt, assets, income, investments, etc.) was surprisingly easy. We made the decision shortly after we moved in together, and it's been wonderful - so much less complicated, in many ways. If the relationship hadn't felt really solid, this could easily have been a bad decision, but it has really worked for us.
Once we made the decision, there were some difficult adjustments. One of my Spice felt slightly resentful about taking on a higher debt. There was a period of time when the same partner felt that I wasn't contributing to the financial security of the household, even though I was home taking care of the kids, etc. These were tough issues to resolve, but we talked them out until we all felt comfortable.
Actually combining finances has made things a bit awkward at times, when dealing with the “real” world. For instance, when we lived in Massachusetts, we weren't able to open a checking account that had all four names on it (the limit was three). In Colorado we haven't had any problems in that regard.
We have, however, had trouble getting approved for Overdraft Protection on our family checking account. For various reasons, our combined debt has mostly been transferred to one of the two pre-existing couples, putting them over the debt limit acceptable to the bank. While our combined debt would have probably been fine, the bank will only work from the basis of each couple. (Shrug...)
We recently bought a house together (05/98), and there was some confusion in the process. We have so many combined accounts that the Loan Processor couldn't figure out where one couple left off and the other began. They were mostly concerned with which debts and assets belonged to whom, but we see them as belonging to all of us. It was hard for them to understand that. We don't fit neatly into the forms...
When it comes to financial transactions, I've found that people tend to assume that two of us are siblings. That seems to make it easier for them to understand (or accept) the unusual nature of our finances and living arrangements. Explanations can be awkward, but we don't want to leave false impressions either. We usually just tell them that we're friends and we've lived together for years.
Thoughts - Honesty, Trust, and Communication are good rules to live by in any relationship. I believe that sharing thoughts (as well as feelings) is vitally important, particularly in poly relationships, where everything is more complicated already. A minor misunderstanding can snowball into so much more, when it could easily have been avoided by sharing one's thoughts and feelings. I have a little “Reflection” on my refrigerator that says, “How often could things be remedied by a word - How often it is left unspoken.” [Norman Douglas]
In general, I feel that my lovers should know where they stand with me, what my issues and concerns are, my thoughts and feelings (those that are germane, of course) - and I should be given the same consideration. This isn't always as easy as it sounds. It's easy for me to be upfront, but not as easy for everyone else. This has caused some conflicts in our household, as I'm sure it does in many others - "traditional" and otherwise.
Some topics are highly charged and people tend to avoid them, rather than dealing with them. This creates emotional baggage that can really weigh a relationship down. It can cause so many problems... I almost always let my loved ones know exactly where I’m coming from, as soon as I can. Only then can we discuss the situation and reach a happy (or at least, satisfactory) conclusion.
I think it’s also important to mention that not all thoughts should be shared. I don’t necessarily agree with the “nice girl” lesson that, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all;” however, if our thoughts are unnecessarily hurtful to our partners, or non-constructive, it is probably better to keep them to ourselves. If it’s about something important, though, it should be discussed in as kind and gentle a manner as possible. I’m not a saint, by any means, but I do try to respect my partners and their thoughts and feelings.
History - As is probably apparent, I’m not terribly reserved about things like this. I’m very open, as well as very open-minded and accepting. I’m generally quite interested in finding out more about my lovers and sharing my history with them, as well. Their history helps me to understand them, who they are, and what factors contributed towards their life journeys, just as my history can answer questions about why I am who I am.
Obviously, everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to talking about history - whether it's their childhood, their sexual history, or whatever. As long as there isn't a strong feeling of secrecy, I don't have a problem with that. The movie “Secrets and Lies” is the quintessential portrait of the kinds of trouble that can be caused by not sharing one's history with their loved ones.
Feelings - This was pretty much addressed in the previous section. The one thing I’d like to add is that all feelings should be considered valid. This was an issue early in my current relationship, where one of my Spice refused to acknowledge or accept any responsibility for hurting my feelings (which happened a lot back then). As a result, my feelings were basically minimized and/or invalidated. This led to some ill will between us. We finally worked it out, but it was a painful process.
This lover still minimizes my feelings sometimes (far less often), but I always make sure to point it out when this happens. My lover usually stops and thinks about it and realizes that the invalidating reaction was inappropriate - or that it wasn't intended that way. We work it out. If I were unable or unwilling to share my feelings, it would lead to a lot of minor resentments that could ultimately threaten the relationship.
Ownership - This can be another touchy subject, especially for poly families, where there are many more potential complications. This seems particularly true when purchasing a “primary residence,” as opposed to investment properties, etc. I already owned some real estate together with my Spice, and we recently bought our first home. I've had other poly relationships where I would never even consider that kind of mutual investment. Again, it's so dependent on the individuals involved, on the type of relationship they have, and the specific situation.
Trust is the obvious key to being able to share with another person, - whether it be money, thoughts, history, feelings, ownership, or whatever. For me, it all comes back (again!) to the three basics - Honesty, Trust, and Communication. Sharing often imparts some degree of risk, and I prefer to minimize the possibility that I could get hurt by sharing aspects of my personal life with others.
Before sharing, it's important for me to feel some sense of commitment between myself and the other person(s), though this can be in varying degrees. It doesn't make sense to invest too much of myself (financially, emotionally, etc.) in a very casual relationship or one that isn't reciprocal.
Sharing finances is done only with long-term, committed Primaries. I would be uninterested in doing so with a person who was financially irresponsible, or too impulsive (wait a minute - that describes me!).
Sharing history is not necessarily related to the level of a relationship, so much as it is to specific interpersonal styles. For instance, I have shared a LOT of my history with a potential new Secondary (whom I only know through email - for now). That's just the way our relationship works. Other lovers have known very little about my history (and vice versa), because that wasn't an area we focused on.
Sharing thoughts is always important in my relationships. I would certainly be somewhat more fearful and/or uninterested in sharing my thoughts with someone who tended to be critical (non-constructive), cruel, disinterested, or thoughtless.
Sharing feelings between lovers is very important to me. It also makes me more vulnerable than sharing history or thoughts. I would definitely not be as motivated to share my feelings with someone who would treat them carelessly or manipulatively. I have been with lovers who have used my feelings against me, and that just isn't acceptable. That destroys trust and communication - and relationships...
I would guess that almost everyone does! Trust, Honesty, and Communication are often very gradual things. They generally don't happen immediately - particularly Trust (at least that's my experience). It follows, then, that sharing is something that grows with time, experience, comfort level, and knowledge of each other. In some of my relationships, there has been very little progression, or slow progression. In others, we've plunged right in. With my Quad, for instance, time seems to be measured in Amoebae years, rather than in human time. The progression was extremely rapid (which can be very exciting!).
I would say - neither, per se. Again, this depends so much on the relationship between the people involved. In some cases (long ago) I didn't share a lot of my sexual history (much less financial status) with lovers. In other cases, we talked about practically every detail - of everything...
Sex is more risky now than it was back in the “old days.” These days, I would tell potential new lovers about my sexual history (and status), so they could make an informed decision about whether or not to become my lover.
My financial situation is generally less of an issue, unless the relationship progresses to the point of becoming Primaries. While I have no big hangups about money, I don’t think it’s particularly pertinent information. When it is relevant (and I trust that person), I have no qualms about discussing it.
All of those have been issues at one time or another - certainly some more than others. As always, the degree of stress has depended on the individuals involved, and the circumstances.
Early in my relationship with my Quad, we had a number of instances where people felt betrayed when intimacies shared during (or about) sex were discussed with other members of the family. We talked about the issue several times and have basically agreed that it isn't appropriate to share that kind of information (without "permission"). That isn't to say that it never happens, but it is certainly less of a problem now.
Money to make joint purchases has sometimes been an issue, primarily in terms of priority setting. As is true of most families, we have a finite amount of money and a multitude of options for spending it. If one of my Spice is convinced that we need a new clothes dryer and another is convinced that they need a new computer, we have to work it out somehow. Sometimes it’s hard to find a win-win situation, but we work on it until we do. There are times when “The needs of the many outweigh the desires of the one.” We bought the dryer - and put off the purchase of a new computer for a while...
Decisions about scheduling time have occasionally been difficult. We've found it very useful to sit down together periodically and put everything on a central calendar. This minimizes conflicts, though it doesn't eliminate them entirely. For instance, one of my Spice likes to do Live Action Role Playing, which usually takes place over weekends. In our busy lives, weekends represent a large percentage of the time we spend together as a family. We compromise - he gets to go away, but less often than he’d like.
How to raise children?! Has there ever been complete consensus on how to raise children, between any two (or more) involved parties? Of course we've experienced stress around this issue. What it boils down to, though, is that we all love the kids and want the best for them. Discipline is shared, though one of us generally handles most of it. We try to agree on certain rules, acceptable behaviors, and consequences. We have to be flexible, and we have to work on this topic every day - that's the nature of kids...
Hmmmm. It seems like our entire first year together was one very long group-therapy session, which is to say, we did a LOT of talking and experienced a lot of personal growth. I can't recall any specific instances of what I think you're asking. In general, though, we talked everything out. If one of us wasn't comfortable sharing something, we talked about the reasons for that reluctance. We did so much self-analysis, as well as analysis of each other, and the tangled knot of relationships within the Quad...
Not exactly - for the same reasons I've repeated many times. It is so dependent on the people involved, on their relationships, and on the circumstances. The interpersonal dynamics between individuals in a Quad would tend to be different from those in an equilateral Triad, from those in a Vee Triad, from those with Open Marriages, from those who are simply dating more than one person, etc. My basic suggestion is probably pretty familiar by now - It all comes back to Trust, Honesty, and Communication...
All of the people involved in the relationship have to be committed to finding an acceptable resolution when issues about sharing (or anything else) arise. Some short suggestions:
Continued on Next Page
09/24/07