OK, I have a question, when was the last time you took a real close look at the contents of your refrigerator? It looks pretty safe sitting there in the corner...making the odd murmur, DO NOT BE FOOLED, your refrigerator could be a killer, just consider the dangers that lurk within??

This is only a personal opinion but I thought 9½ Weeks is one of the most overated movies of all time, billed as a movie about desire, obsession and infatuation........ok so Mickey Rourke gets to perform some pseudo erotic acts with Kim Basinger, but tell me this, if refrigerators are not dangerous why did they have three stunt people on the set???? who needs 9½ Weeks when you have advice from your Dad???? 

Can you imagine what must go through peoples minds who wish to impress a new partner at their sexual dexterity...there are the usual dilemnas to deal with....."THE BEDROOM".......ok so you got the willing "victim" lined up...they are coming back for coffee....just coffee....and believe me sometimes that is all you are getting. You have the pre bedroom dilemna.....you want to make it inviting....and alluring...you need to "create the mood" .....be careful too "OTT" with the candles and "extras"...it will at best make it look like a funeral parlour .....and at the worst it will resemble some S&M's torture chamber. Remember soft candle lighting is great but you dont want to burn the house down.

The bed, wow....now this is tricky, having spoken to a lot of girls about this the general view is that it shouldnt look too prim and proper....the sheets should of course be clean (no crumbs guys) but for best effects you should have at least slept in them the previous night.....preferably alone....don't want to kill the mood before it starts....ultra clean sheets just say "anal retentive...who will probably want you to bathe and produce a full medical history before you do anything.".....oh and people.....male and female alike...cuddly toys in the bedroom are a definite no no...they were fine when you were seven......but c'mon they would be shocked if they knew what you were planning to get up to. Be sensible, send them to a friend to babysit them. In the long run it saves all the embarrasing questions in the morning.

Also, guys dont want to dent your ego here, but dont pretend to be a sexual athlete if you aint.......you will end up with more than egg on your face and yep the term "physical jerk" does come to mind....women regardless of what they say to you do talk to their friends!!!!! My favourite nickname for a guy so far has been "clamper"...guess he held on tight in case he fell off......hahahahahahahaha 

If you must re-enact the scene from the film then at least make sure the fridge is well stocked with erotic foods a decaying tomato and a soggy lettuce just says no imagination....spice up the whole fridge and let your imagination run wild....who said fantasies are cheap.......???? And add a little humour or as our american cousins would write "humor".....the way to a mans heart may be through his stomach.....but make a woman laugh and you got her for life......and remember it may have worked for Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger but at the end of the day somebody else was paid to clean up the mess...... 

It's like this Son: Sons and Fathers: Why you should never listen to your father

This is an extract from "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby, it exemplifies exactly why you should never ask your dad anything and expect to get a practical response. If you haven't read the book, why not???

"I'm happy to be a bloke, I think, but sometimes I am not happy being a bloke in the late twentieth century. Sometimes I'd rather be my dad. He never had to worry about delivering the goods, because he never knew that there were any goods to deliver; he never had to worry how he ranked in my mothers all time hot one hundred, because he was first and last on the list. Wouldn't it be great if you could talk about that sort of thing to your father? one day, maybe. I'll try. "Dad, did you ever have to worry about the female orgasm in either it's clitoral or its (possibly mythical) vaginal form? Do you, in fact, know what the female orgasm is? What about the G-spot? What did "Good in bed" mean in 1955, if it means anything at all? When was oral sex imported to Britain?Do you envy my sex life, or does it all look terribly hard work to you? Did you ever fret about how long you could keep going for, or didn't you think about that sort of thing then? Aren't you glad that you never had to buy vegetarian cookery books as the first small step on the road to getting inside someones knickers? Aren't you glad that you never had the "You may be right-on but do you clean the toilet?" conversation? Aren't you relieved that you've been spared the perils of childbirth that all modern men have to face? (And what would he say, I wonder, if he were not tongue-tied by his class and his sex and his diffidence? Probably something like, "Son, stop whingeing. The good fuck wasn't even invented in my day, and however many toilets you clean and vegetarian recipes you have to read, you still have more fun than we were ever allowed." And he'd be right too." )

If you sleep in it....... Make it up.

If you wear it....... Hang it up.

If you drop it....... Pick it up.

If you spill it....... Wipe it up.

If you eat out of it....... Wash it up.

If you open it....... Close it.

If you empty it....... Fill it up again.

If it rings....... Answer it.

If it howls....... Feed it.

If it cries....... Love it.

If it is a misunderstanding....... Clear it up.

and finally

If it is missing....... Some bastard has stolen it !