When I was a child, I was told that God saw all, was everywhere and knew everything. Since I believed God was an old man in heaven up in the clouds somewhere, I knew He couldn't be everywhere at one time. I believed He looked in on me for a couple of seconds every month or two, but there were just too many people for him to be concerned about me. I had to watch my thoughts and actions though, in case He happened to be looking. I guess I thought God was a super spy.
When I first came to Twelve Step meetings, the "God talk" scared me. I wondered if Al-Anon might be a cult, and I felt very defensive about that. I kept coming back because I heard people talking about how they felt, and because I felt the same way. I was comforted by all the honesty and humor in the Al-Anon rooms.
After a few months, I wanted the peace I saw in the people at my meetings, so I decided to try this Higher Power thing. I "acted as if" I believed in some kind of power. I prayed to the wall by reciting the first three Steps and the Serenity Prayer. It felt silly. I have no idea how long it took, but I started to get a sense that there was a presence that cared for me. This seemed very different from believing that God was outside me and didn't have time for me.
I believe the images I had of my Higher Power when I came to recovery had everything to do witht he way my parents treated me when I was little. When I came to the program, I often heard that people needed to fire their old Higher Power and find a new one.
It was a thrilling experience to start a relationship with a Higher Power that I felt really cared for me. I spent the first several years of my recovery trying to figure out what my Higher Power was. At first I imagined my Higher Power was two oak trees holding up a hammock. While I was in the hammock, I felt as though I was being held. That was my first Third Step.
Finally I gave up trying to figure out my Higher Power. I knew I could imagine it to be anything I chose. What was more important for me was coming to believe that a Higher Power is everywhere. Today I believe we are all poart of the Higher Power, that inside each of us is the light, the spark of the divine.
More simply, I believe the Higher Power is the sense I have when I feel connected to other people, the earth, and to all of life. I am deeply grateful that Al-Anon meetings exist, because they provide the places where I feel connected to everyone and everything. I hear my Higher Power speaking through the people at my meetings. I can't do it alone. I need you.

writen by Susan B. Oregon

*reprinted with permission of the Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.*