15 September, Week 1

It 'as been confirmed that there are 35 teams in the league and for the bleedin' first week of play, Rat Palace Wednesday are placed joint sevenf. A particularly right good start ter the season by Gianluca Festa gave the naffin' team six points out of this week's total of 26, wiv Guppy, Pistone and Duff failin' ter score. The defenders brought in the majority of the points this week.

Out of us five rival mates teams, right, we are only bein' beaten at the moment by Dylan and the bloomin' Dead 'oo are a mere one point ahead. It's A Fish Dream, right, Waldegrave Wanderers and Real Tricky are nowhere in sight. Up the Rats!

22 September, Week 2

Two new, right, last-minute additions ter the league mean that now we are one of 37 teams. This week, Rat Palace Wednesday 'ave dropped free places ter tenf, scorin' only seven points. Right. This week's aggregate star players are Seaman, Mendonca and Di Canio each bringin' in six points. Guppy is still performin' least well wiv an aggregate score of minus one. Defence are still doin' well but were pipped in the points by us free strikers this week, innit?

We are now the bleedin' Mae West team out of us chinas group. Dylan and the chuffin' Dead 'ad a poor week, droppin' ter twentief place, innit? It's A Fish Dream fell from 18 ter 29 (that's Scott's team - tee 'ee! Blimey!), Waldegrave Wanderers are stagnant at 30 and Real Tricky is currently in wooden spoon position at 37! Struth!

29 September, right, Week 3

Holdin' its own, the team is still placed tenf this week, right, havin' scored a measly five points. Frank Leboeuf, our trusty bald Frenchman is the current star performer wiv seven points. Guppy still gets the booby prize. There were an almost equal split between the bloomin' defence and attack combinations in the points this week.

As for us rivals, Dylan and the chuffin' Dead 'ave sneaked hammer and tack up ter sevevteenf place and Real Tricky 'ave scraped themselves off the bottom into 33rd place. It's a Fish Dream are 'angin' in at 29 and Waldegrave Wanderers are 'ard into the relegation zone at 36...

6 October, Week 4

The team 'as clawed its way up two places ter eighf, scorin' eleven points. The bleedin' defenders shone this week, gettin' 55% of the bleedin' points and Seaman and Festa are currently the top fellas wiv nine points apiece. Pistone 'as joined Guppy in the bloomin' dunce's corner, bowf 'avin' a big, fat Emperor Nero.

Dylan and Dead are startin' ter gain ground against us and are now in the bleedin' dangerous twelff position. The bleedin' uvvers are still way out of sight wiv Real Tricky and Waldegrave Wanderers comin' 28th and 31st respectively and It's a Fish Dream droppin' stone-like ter 33rd place.

As there are no league matches next week due ter England's next crash-and-burn attempt at international ball-kickin', right, there will be no fantasy footie results eever.

20 October, right, Week 6

The chuffin' incredibly consistent nature of the bloomin' Rats means that we're still in eighf place after scorin' eight points. The defence 'ave been workin' particularly 'ard this week wiv Leboeuf bein' us Main Man, right, currently wiv ten points ter his name. Pistone gets anuvver 'ash sign for makin' an 'ash of this week. He still 'as a right Italian Emperor Nero.

Bad news on the bleedin' chinas competition front. Dylan and the Dead 'ave shot up six places ter sixf place - bah, humbug! It's A Fish Dream 'ave climbed an amazin' 18 places but are still in mediocre fifteenf. Real Tricky are out of the danger zone in 24th place now but Waldegrave Wanderers 'ave fallen a furvver two places ter 33.

28 October, Week 7

Woe is us, it's been a bad week for the bloomin' Rats! Right! We 'ave tumbled nine places ter - eek! Right! - seventeenf, right, mostly due ter Frank Leboeuf, our previous Mae West player, right, bein' sent off before bein' on the pitch for the bloomin' requisite 75 mins. We knew pickin' that bald bloke were a bad idea... Rat Palace Wednesday, nil points.

Dylan and the bleedin' Dead continue ter scale the bloomin' heights of brilliance and are now in a right scary fourf place. Real Tricky are still 'oldin' their own at 24 wiv It's A Fish Dream champin' at their 'eels. Waldegrave Wanderers 'ave reached new lows of crapdom and are now... wait for it... Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Last!

3 November, Week 8

Horror, horror, horror! Honest guv! We are - gulp! - joint twenty-fird after a terrible week only scorin' free points. It's all that fairy Di Canio's fault for bein' suspended. We can't make any substitutes till 23 November eever - damn! David Seaman is keepin' us end up wiv an aggregate of twelve points ter his favour and the defence are still bringin' 'ome the bleedin' bacon. Pistone is prime candidate for 'oofin' wen transfers are allowed. He is now in the chuffin' red wiv minus free.

Dylan and the Dead are static in fourf place and Real Tricky 'ave crept up ahead of us into twenty-first place after their feeble start. It's A Fish Dream are just behind us wiv Waldegrave Wanderers still in joint bottom place. At least some bloke is worse off than us! Struth!

10 November, Week 9

It don't cop any better. We've dropped one furvver place ter an all-time low of twenty-fourf. The defence are continuin' ter rack up the bleedin' most points for us wiv David Seaman the bloomin' constantly risin' star on fifteen points. Pistone is definitely in transfer territory and we'll be wavin' bye-bye ter him soon. Sorry, mate, right, but just bein' Italian ain't enough.

Dylan and the bleedin' Dead 'ave also 'ad a poor week and 'ave slithered dahn seven places ter elevenf. Real Tricky and It's A Fish Dream 'ave closed the gap between themselves and are toughin' it out in twenty-sixf and twenty-sevenf places. Waldegrave Wanderers are still fightin' ter keep off the bottom spot.

17 November, right, Week 10

Phew! A better week all round. The Rats 'ave found some form at last and 'ave charged up the table eight places ter joint sixteenf wiv a solid defence bringing in over 'alf the bloomin' points. David Seaman 'as increased 'is total points ter eighteen in anuvver successful week. The chuffin' midfield 'as been right weak overall so expect changes there soon...

Dylan and the Dead are still slidin' but are clingin' on by their fingernails ter the bleedin' top 'alf of the table in joint twelff. Real Tricky 'ave 'ad a wee spurt and clambered up four places ter twenty-second. It's A Fish Dream 'ave slid anuvver two places and Waldegrave Wanderers look destined for disaster, still bein' in penultimate position.

24 November, right, Week 11

Not a bad week, right, as we only dropped one place ter joint seventeenf. The defence are 'oldin' firm as usual, except for Pistone 'oo 'as now been sent for an early barf ter be replaced by Stefan Schnoor of Derby County, right, currently 'oldin' fifteen points ter his credit. He 'as a whistle and fluteably ridiculous name and comes from 'amburg so fits perfectly wiv the chuffin' Rat Palace Wednesday team eefos. Go, Schnoor, go! Right!

Dylan and the bloomin' Dead are contuin' their steady slide towards us and are now only free places ahead. Real Tricky 'ave gone crashin' dahn the bloomin' bottom 'alf again and now share firtief place wiv us old rivals, It's A Fish Dream. Waldegrave Wanderers 'ave 'it rock bottom yet again. It 'as just been leaked ter the press that they're replacin' their eleven wiv the entire cast of 'Fame!' Struth! in the hope of revivin' their

1 December, Week 12

Slip slidin' away ter twenty-first place this week, right, dahn four. Schnoor 'as made a blisterin' start ter his Rat Palace season by failin' ter score any points at all. Even the great David Seaman 'as ground ter an 'alt on 18, so nuffink good ter report this week.

Us rival teams 'ave largely 'ad a much better week than us. Dylan and the Dead 'ave slipped one place but It's A Fish Dream are up seven place, Real Tricky up five and even Waldegrave Wanderers 'ave climbed free places off the bottom even wivout the help of the Kids from Fame.

8 December, Week 13

A spark of 'ope this week as the chuffin' Rats jump free places ter eighteenf. David Seaman is still us Golden Boy 'avin' increased 'is personal pointage ter 21. Schnoor, right, on the uvver 'and, right, our star replacement, has yet ter get off the bleedin' startin' blocks and we may be a candidate for the Least Successful Substitution Award, right? The defence are still bringing in all the bleedin' points. Bad news this week is that Poyet, our top midfielder, is out wiv a broken leg. Cor blimey guv! Wot ter do?

We are now ahead of the bloomin' game again as Dylan and the Dead 'ave slipped six places and 'ave even dropped below It's A Fish Dream 'oo are snappin' at us heels. Real Tricky are non-movers at 25 and Waldegrave Wanderers' fortunes 'ave improved yet again as they've climbed two places. Wonders will never cease.

15 December, right, Week 14

Top week! Right! We've jumped six places ter twelff and are nearly returnin' ter the bloody good form shown at the bloomin' beginnin' of the season. Not that substitute Schnoor is 'elpin'. He still 'asn't scored any points for us and David Seaman 'asn't added ter his total for this week eever. Nice ter see the midfielders pullin' their weight a bit more this week and bringin' in 29% of the chuffin' points.

We're still 'angin' in ahead of the bleedin' local competition. It's A Fish Dream are snappin' at us heels in firteenf and Dylan and the Dead are 'are lookin' lively at 17. Close behind them are Real Tricky 'oo are stormin' up the table wiv surprisin' gusto. Waldegrave Wanderers, on the bloomin' uvver 'and, right, are still flappin' pafetically at the bottom of the bloomin' table in 34th place.

22 December, Week 15

Nuffink much ter report this week, as we are non-movers in twelff place. Poyet, right, has taken up the top points position. Havin' miraculously recovered from 'is broken leg, right, he now 'as 22 points ter his credit and Schnoor 'as STILL failed ter score. This ain't good. Sack the naffin' Manager! Honest guv!

The chuffin' mately competition is 'ottin' up and, horror of 'orrors, Real Tricky are now one place ahead of us! It can't last, right, vough. They lack the consistent form and drive that 'ave characterised the chuffin' Rats' season so far. Dylan and the Dead are one place below us and It's A Fish Dream are only free places below that. Poor ole Waldegrave Wanderers are still out of the bloody picture at 34. Yer 'ave ter feel sorry for 'em.

29 December, right, Week 16

Goin' dahn, dahn, dahn! We've dropped seven places ter nineteenf! Honest guv! An atrocious week in ratty footie but at least we 'aven't repeated us week 9 low. Poyet 'as overtaken Seaman in the points contest wiv a right respectable 25. Swappin' in Schnoor seems like an even worse idea than ever as 'e still 'asn't scored any points. The strikers are rubbish as usual.

Not only 'ave Real Tricky increased their lead over the chuffin' Rats, but Dylan and the bloody Dead and It's A Fish Dream are bowf speedin' up the table wiv frightenin' rapidity, innit? Fank goodness Waldegrave Wanderers still 'aven't found any form.

5 January, right, Week 17

Anuvver less than grand week for the Rats. We've dropped a furvver two places ter twenty-first 'avin' scored a weedy free points this week. Frank Leboeuf is the current protege wiv a whoppin' 26 points. Havin' no 'air obviously 'as some advantages. Schnoor 'as still yet ter get off the bloomin' startin' blocks.

It's a Fish Dream 'ave slacked off again ter firteenf but Real Tricky 'ave sneaked up anuvver place ter close the gap in fourteenf. Dylan and the Dead can't 'ack the bloomin' pace and 'ave dropped below us again into twenty-second. Waldegrave Wanderers are still where they belong at the bleedin' bottom. Well, not quite but as good as.

12 January, Week 18

The bloomin' Rats are steadily gainin' ground again, right, havin' crept up a few places ter seventeenf. I'll get out me spoons. Leboeuf 'as been showin' some more pace and 'as clocked 'is score up ter 29 points. Way ter go, Frank! Oi! But, right, guess wot? Schnoor : 0. Bad news this week, right, vough. Poyet is now out until April wiv a dodgy ankle so will 'ave ter be subbed out ASAP.

Dylan and the Dead are regainin' ground and 'ave slunk up behind us in joint seventeenf. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? It's A Fish Dream and Real Tricky are still 'angin' in ahead of us, It's A Fish Dream now reachin' the dizzy 'eights of tenf place. Waldegrave Wanderers are... right, need I say?

Substitution news: 18 January 1999 - Poyet and 'is wobbly ankle wave bye-bye ter Rat Palace Wednesday. It's been nice 'avin' yer, Gustavo. Welcome, right, David Beckham, scourge of England's World Cup team of '98. A whistle and fluteable replacement, n'est ce pas, then? Shame 'e plays for Man United but wot else can a rat do at this point in the chuffin' season?

19 January, Week 19

No movement this week. Evenvough we scored a much more respectable firteen points, we're still languishin' in seventeenf place. The defence are still comin' up trumps and Leboeuf gets anuvver star this week wiv an aggregate of 32 points. And 'ooray for Schnoor - 'e's actually managed ter score free points this week.

Even Real Tricky 'ave sunk 'ammer and tack below us in the chuffin' table, alvough they are actually placed jointly wiv us. It's A Fish Dream 'ave climbed one more place ter ninf but Dylan and the Dead are slidin' 'ammer and tack to where they belong in twenty-fourf place. Poor ole Waldegrave Wanderers are only just keepin' their 'eads above water. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. They are fightin' for the bottom spot wiv the bleedin' Chicken Runners, do wot guvnor! Evryfink is right wiv the bleedin' world.

28 January, Week 20

Due ter FA Cup games bein' played, there were few league points ter be 'ad this week and we didn't score any of 'em, thereby causin' us ter slivver one place ter eighteenf. Frank Leboeuf gets anuvver star for still bein' us Mae West Current Player on 32 points. David Beckham, right, our new sub, has yet ter score.

In the cup competition, right, we 'ave been drorn against Fern and 0 FC, currently ridin' in elevenf place so it looks like us chances are limited. Matches are ter be played this weekend...

It's A Fish Dream are still scalin' the 'eights of creativity and 'ave improved their position ter eighf. After a lax start ter the season, there 'ave been rumours that Scoremaster Scott 'as been indulgin' in a bit of technical jiggery-pokery ter improve 'is team's standin'. The FA 'as been called in ter investigate... Meanwile, Real Tricky are still 'angin' onto us shirt-tails in joint position wiv us, Dylan and the Dead are 'oldin' fast, as are Waldegrave Wanderers.

2 February, Week 21

Despite scorin' a relatively 'ealfy nine points, The Rats 'ave dropped one place ter nineteenf. BUT, in the Cup competition, our week's score were enough ter completely trounce Fern and 0 FC and carry us frough ter the bleedin' next round, along wiv It's A Fish Dream and Real Tricky. Hoo-rah! Honest guv! No change in the Mae West and Worst Current Player situation.

It's A Fish Dream are now well into the bloomin' prize-winnin' zone in sevenf place but Real Tricky can't 'ack the pace and 'ave dropped ter twentief. Dylan and the Dead are on the slide again, right, droppin' two places ter twenty-fird. Waldegrave Wanderers 'ave evidently given up all 'ope and are still languishin' one off the bottom.

11 February, Week 22

The bleedin' fortunes of The Rats continue ter take a dahnward turn wiv a feeble eight points this week causin' us ter slip ter twenty-second place. More substitutions are a necessary prospect. Frank Leboeuf continues ter shine on 35 points wiv David Beckham finally scorin' two points ter get 'im off the startin' blocks. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Us next Cup tie is against the chuffin' Right Royals 'oo are currently well ahead of us in firteenf place, right, but stranger fings 'ave 'appened...

After makin' several well fought out substitutions, right, Real Tricky 'ave shot up ter elevenf place. Grrr! It's A Fish Dream are now way out of sight and 'ave a lookin' like winnin' some serious cash in fourf place. Dylan and the Dead and Waldegrave Wanderers continue ter languish below us in the bottom 'alf.

Substitution news: 12 February 1999 - Efen Ekoku is the latest Rat Palace Wednesday reject on account of scorin' sod all points and 'avin' a broken shoulder, innit? In comes Aston Villa's Julian Joachim as replacement. A preppy and totally unfootier-ish first name is 'is qualification for joinin' the team. Welcome Jules! Oi!

16 February, Week 23

Only free games counted towards this week's score as Cup matches were bein' played so, not surprisingly, we got no points at all and are still in twenty-second place. Us total pointage is now 176, right, compared ter the top team 'oo are on 227 and the bottom team 'oo are on 128.

All us muckers' teams are where they were last week too. Results of the next round of the bleedin' Cup comin' soon...

23 February, right, Week 24

Oh dear, right, not good. A paffetic score of free means that we've dropped free places ter twenty-fiff. Cor blimey guv! Leboeuf and Joachim are still in the Honours positions but, seein' as Joachim's only just joined the bleedin' team, it's 'ardly fair ter call 'im the chuffin' Worst Current Player. The attackers as a group are still continuin' ter ponce 'round and not score any points, right, leavin' the defence ter do all the work and brin' in over 'alf of the chuffin' points on their own.

It's A Fish Dream 'ave 'ad a slight back-slide ter sixf place but Real Tricky 'ave continued their steady advance ter tenf place and are lookin' like winnin' a prize for their endeavours. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Dylan and the Dead are floatin' a couple of places below us and Waldegrave Wanderers are, as usual, nearly, right, but not quite, bottom like.

2 March, Week 25

A better week for the Rats, right, scorin' a prettier twelve points and climbin' ter twenty-fird place. Bowf Leboeuf and Joachim scored points and deserve a pat on the bleedin' back. Well done, them chaps.

The fortunes of us muckerly teams remain pretty much unchanged. It's A Fish Dream and Real Tricky are vyin' for greater glory in sixf and eighf places and Dylan and the bleedin' Dead are non-movers. Waldegrave Wanderers' valiant attempt not ter be completely crap 'ave failed and they are now actually last. If yor gonna fail, right, do it in style, right, that's wot we say. Hoorah for the Wanderers! Right!

9 March, Week 26

Anuvver five points pushes up anuvver place ter twenty-second. No change in the Mae West and Worst Player status this week.

Real Tricky are 'angin' on ter eighf position and the bloomin' rise and rise of It's A Fish Dream spots them into fourf place! Right! No change for Dylan and the bloomin' Dead but Waldegrave Wanderers 'ave made a late comeback attempt and jumped free places ter 34. Well I never! Struth!

16 March, right, Week 27

Slow but sure wins the race. Well, wins is too strong a word but a fat 13 points moves us up yet anuvver place ter twenty-first, do wot guvnor! The defence are still doin' all the work wiv the attackin' slackin' as usual.

It's copping tough at the top wiv Real Tricky mountin' a serious challenge on It's A Fish Dream by rocketin' into joint fiff place. Tricky's judicious management of late 'as also won 'im the bloomin' Manager of the bloomin' Monff Award for February - 'oorah for Tricky! Oi! Dylan and the Dead are still stuck at 27 and WW 'ave dropped one place ter be fird off the bottom...

23 March, right, Week 28

Still ploddin' slowly upwards, we've crept ter twentieff place wiv anuvver twelve points, right, makin' us current total 221 points, right, as compared ter 277 scored by the current league leaders, Dead Dogs and Grannies. Leboeuf 'as upped 'is score ter 41 points and is still the star player wiv Seaman not far behind.

Real Tricky 'ave won the fight for glory, right, hangin' on in fiff place while It's A Fish Dream drop ter sevenff. Dylan and the bleedin' Dead and Waldegrave Wanderers are still stuck in the mud.

Week 29:

Due ter international matches, there are no league games this week. But we 'ave made us final substitution for the season. Mr Duff By Name, right, Duff By Nature 'as been sent for an early barff in favour of Danish superstar Bjarne Goldbaek, right, currently messing for Chelsea FC.

6 April, right, Week 30

A lucky-for-us firteen points puts us up free places in the table ter seventeenf, right? Schnoor is actually in the red pointswise but Leboeuf is still crownin' the bleedin' heights of achievement.

It's A Fish Dream 'ave rescinded on their promise and can't 'ack life at the top, droppin' four places ter elevenff. Real Tricky, meanwile 'ave gained even more ground and are now fourff and are in for some serious dosh if they keep it up. Dylan and Dead are makin' a steady comeback, climbin' two places ter 25 and even WW 'ave clawed hammer and tack anuvver two ter creep up ter 33. 14 April, right, Week 31

Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay, right! Blimey! A positively STUPENDOUS week spots the Rats scorin' an unrivalled 32, yes firty-two, right, points! Right! Not only that, we are 'eadin' the race for the bleedin' last Manager of the bloody Monff competition. We've bounced up yet anuvver free places wiv this rampant point-scorin' and are now in fourteenff place wiv 266 points. Frank Leboeuf 'as a stonkin' 44 points ter his credit now. New signin' Goldbaek 'as already clocked in two points for us. Well done, that man! Oi!

Real Tricky are still 'oldin' their ground in fourff and are about ter compete in the bloomin' Cup semi-finals. Go, Tricky, go! Blimey! We 'ave pom-poms at the ready. It's a Fish Dream 'ave recovered some of their composure and climbed hammer and tack to ninff place and Dylan and the bloomin' Dead 'ave 'ad a spurt and jumped ter twenty-second. Waldegrave Wanderers are, right, as ever, hangin' out near the bleedin' bottom.

20 April, Week 32

Not much point-scorin' gahn on this week, right, but we managed a respectable seven points ter hold us position in fourteenff place. Leboeuf 'as dropped a point somehow - is this for real or 'as Scott messed up the chuffin' scores again, then, mate? I fink we should be told. Schnoor continues ter blott 'is copy butcher's hook and is now -2. The attackers are rubbish as per usual. Real Tricky are also clinging, terrier-like, right, to their new position but It's A Fish Dream 'ave faded still furvver and 'ave lost anuvver two places. Dylan and the Dead 'ave lost the bloomin' ground gained last week but the chuffin' Wanderers are still 'angin' bravely on at 33.

27 April, right, Week 33

We clawed hammer and tack anuvver place wiv a right respectable twelve points ter put us in firteenff place. Steve Guppy 'as now ousted Frank Leboeuf as team star wiv 49 points. Dwight Yorke is the bloomin' league's Mae West player wiv 74 points.

Real Tricky, right, It's A Fish Dream and Waldegrave Wanderers are all non-movers this week so remain in their relative states of achievement or not as the bleedin' case may be. Dylan and the bloody Dead 'ave gained one place.

4 May, Week 34

A good week for the bloomin' Rats, scorin' eleven points and just puttin' us outside the top ten scorin' zone in elevenff place, jointly wiv It's A Fish Dream and Fern and 0 FC. Right! Guppy is still Top Man but Schnoor is provin' ter be a wrong choice of substitute as 'e 'as less than Emperor Nero points. Real Tricky 'ave lost their grip slightly and slipped ter fifff, wiv Dylan and the bleedin' Dead renegin' on last week's promise and slidin' two. WW are static, right, as ever, at 33.

11 May, right, Week 35

A stormin' week as we race towards the naffin' end of the season. Twenty-free points puts us into eighff place, right, only one below where we began in Week 1. At this rate, we might even cop our £10 entry fee back! Right! Guppy 'as increased 'is pointage ter 52 and Schnoor 'as regained some credability by puttin' 'imself hammer and tack in the bleedin' black wiv two.

It's A Fish Dream 'ave pipped us into sevenff place and Real Tricky are 'angin' on in fiff, so it 'ave a looks like the last week of the season will be decisive as we free battle it out at the top. D and the D and WW are nowhere in sight and show no signs of makin' a last-minute spurt up the table.

18 May, right, Week 36

Blimey and 'uzzah! Honest guv! The chuffin' season endeff and, right, in strangely symmetrical fashion, we 'ave finished the bloomin' season exactly where we started - in sevenff place. Grabbin' eleven points this week 'as secured us place in the bleedin' top ten and we can at least say that we got us entry fee hammer and tack and 'ad nine monffs' entertainment for nuffink. Can't be bad, right, eh, eh, mate? Steve Guppy wins the chuffin' overall Mae West Player award for scorin' 52 points over the bloomin' season, bless 'is cotton socks.

Even better, right, the bleedin' week's fortunes were less kind ter our rivals and Real Tricky and It's A Fish Dream bowf 'ad a flutter of turbulence and went crashin' dahn ter finish below us. So, of us mately group of rivals, right, we are triumphant! Dylan and the bleedin' Dead finished at 22 and Waldegrave Wanderers, 'oo were never right in it, poor dears, were 33rd (out of 37, remember). Better luck next time, lads. Oi!

Back to Rat Palace chuffin' Wednesday, innit?

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