Jerry sat in the chair next to Jax's bed, slumped over and exhausted. His eyes and lungs burned and his arm ached from where it had been caught on the not-so-friendly side of a rock. It had been the longest night of his life. Just when it had seemed like things were looking up for his brother and Brenda, the world had turned against them. In his mind's eye, he could still envision the rental car flying off the cliff side, Jax's gut-wrenching cry as he leapt out of the helicopter after her. Jerry had known the instant he saw the car go off that Brenda hadn't made it. He had seen the roof ripping off the car, and Veronica, along with the passenger seat hurtling into the ocean. It had been terrifying even to him. Then there was the worst fear he'd ever experienced in the water with Jax. He had been in the water trying to save Jax, but nearly ended up getting them both killed.
Jerry was still in his wet clothes, but he hardly noticed. Jax had been brought in half dead, not even fighting for life. The shrill sound of the attached heart monitor as he flatlined would be forever etched into Jerry's memory. He remembered rushing into the ER, despite numerous protests, and screaming at Jax to fight; to live. The overwhelming relief that came on the wings of steady beeps practically knocked him over. Six hours had since passed and Jax had only stirred once in that time. Jerry had cringed inwardly at the haunted bloodshot eyes coldly returning his stare. He didn't know the person behind that stare. Jax was a stranger with nothing to live for…
"Why, Jerry? Why didn't you just let me go? I let Brenda go! I had her in my arms and I couldn't hold her…I let her die! Just let me go so I can be with her, Jerry, please…"
The almost child-like plea of that request had brought Jerry to tears, and shortly after he had called their parents. Lady Jane was near hysteria over Brenda's death and John had taken the telephone from her to hear the rest concerning Jax. Now they would be here anytime and Jerry welcomed the support. He didn't know how much more of this night he could take.
"Jerry?"
The voice was soft, loving, compassionate and concerned. He looked up to see Bobbie gazing worriedly at him. He sighed deeply and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding on for what seemed like dear life.
"I came as soon as I heard." She looked down at his cut arm. "You need to have that arm looked at."
"I'll be okay. I'm out here fine and well, not in there."
She knelt down and looked pleadingly into his face.
"Jerry, listen to me. If you stay in those clothes and leave that cut untended, you won't be of any use to Jax."
Jerry shook his head.
"I'm no help to him anyway."
Bobbie touched his face gently and took his hands in her own.
"That's not what I was told. The paramedic that brought you two in said that you nearly drown trying to save Jax. I'd call that helpful any day, Jerry. Now please let me take care of that arm for you."
"No. I need to be here Bobbie. What if he wakes up again? I've got to be here."
"Robin will stay with Jax. Come with me."
Because he knew it would do no good to argue, Jerry stood and followed her.
***********************************
"Jax?"
The voice was delicate and familiar. He knew the voice, but was confused by it. Everything just hurt, inside and out. He didn't want to wake up, but that voice…No. It couldn’t be. He knew the voice and it certainly wasn't real. He began to drift again.
"Jax!"
The voice was firmer now, and it snapped him back from sleep. He opened his eyes slowly. It WAS her. She was here. He smiled weakly, relieved. But how? It didn't make sense.
"Jax, why?"
He didn't understand. What was she talking about?
"Why did you do it?"
He tried to focus in more sharply on her. God, she was beautiful! There were tears in her eyes though. He shook his head ashamed.
"I wasn't trying to kill myself, Brenda. I just had to save you. I couldn't give up on you!"
He could see now that her face was deeply troubled.
"But Jax, you didn't! Why?"
Now her was truly confused.
"What? What do you mean…"
She was crying harder now.
"You didn't save me! Jax, you let go! You left me there!"
"No! I tried to hold you up! Brenda, I swear to you! I didn't mean to!"
His heart pounded painfully in his chest, and he felt the nausea returning. He couldn’t deal with that now though. He had to make her understand that he fought for her. He tried.
"Jax, it's cold here. Please help me."
"I don't know how…"
"You did this! You have to help me!"
"I didn't mean to! I dove repeatedly for you, Brenda. Even after I washed up on the rocks, I came back for you! I searched and searched. I didn't leave!"
"Jax, you have to help me! I'm scared! It's so dark and I can't breathe!"
"Oh God, Brenda! Oh God…"
"Why did you let go? Why did you leave?"
Her voice became more accusatory.
"Help me! I don't want to be here alone!"
Suddenly he could hear the screams again. He put his hands up to his ears to block it out. The screams became louder and louder until he realized that it was he who was screaming. As he regained consciousness, he found the scream to be more of a whimpering moan. It was the sound of a purely tortured soul. He stopped, weak and unable to breathe. He looked around the hospital room. No one came to check on him. He was so hot. He pushed the covers off his body, but it wasn’t enough. He saw the window to his left and tried to sit up. He was so hot he felt dizzy. A sharp pain in his hand reminded him of the IV still attached to it. Without blinking, he ripped the needle out and threw it to the floor. Grasping the table next to the bed, he pulled himself up. Slowly he made his way to the window and opened the latch lock. Cold air gusted over his sweat-soaked hair and gown. The haze in his head began to clear and he found he could think more coherent thoughts. More than anything, he ached for relief from this heat. It was driving him mad. He sat down carefully on the ledge of the window and savored the cold air.
"Jax."
Oh God.
The hairs quickly stood up on the back of his neck as he looked up. Brenda was sitting on the building's outside ledge. He began to shake and cry uncontrollably. Her face was softer now; more understanding. He could see love in her eyes now, and longed just to touch her.
"Brenda! I'm so sorry…" He could barely speak through his tears, "Please, don't be angry with me! I…I couldn't stand that…"
Her eyes softened even more, and a sad smile crossed her lips.
"I'm not angry, Jax."
"Please tell me how to make it right…"
He could fixate only on her eyes. So welcoming and loving. He yearned to be lost in their brown liquid-velvet depths, and in the black silk of her hair. Even now he could smell her hair…
She held out a small slender hand to him. God, how he loved her hands! Again she smiled.
"Nobody leaves, Jax."
He reached out to grasp her hand in his own. Just to touch her again… He repeated her words as if in a sweet dream.
"Nobody leaves…"
*************************************
7:00am, Saturday
John and Jane Jacks walked quickly into the emergency division of General Hospital. As John stepped over to the counter, Jane caught a glimpse of what she thought was Jerry in the room across the walkway from them. She called for John and together they quietly peered around the doorway to make sure. It was in fact Jerry along with a lovely redheaded nurse who was stitching his arm. They were talking quietly, and John was shocked at how defeated and exhausted Jerry looked. When Jane started to walk into the room, he stopped her short for two reasons. First, if Jerry looked that bad, Jax would be far worse and John wanted to prepare Lady Jane for that. Second, Jerry needed this brief reprieve. He'd obviously been through far too much alone, and was doing well in the care of this nurse. The two watched the interaction between Jerry and Bobbie, grateful that he seemed to have someone to turn to.
After a short time of watching the two together, a young boy ran past them and into the room.
"Mom! Jerry…oh!"
Jerry was quick to move.
"Lucas! How'd you get here? Your mother told me you had soccer practice."
"Yeah, but…"
"How did it go?"
"It's not until nine…Jerry, I'm not grossed out! I just wanna know what happened!"
"Oh."
Bobbie then moved in for the save.
"Lucas, Jerry was down at the ocean with his brother and he fell on the rocks."
Lucas studied Jerry's face suspiciously and narrowed his eyes.
"It looks like you rolled around on them, not fell! Did you fall in the water too?"
Despite his outward appearance of calm, Jerry was ready to burst out of his skin. He felt warm and every fiber of his body felt as if it would explode at any moment. This must be what a bag of popcorn feels like in the microwave...Jerry quickly snapped back into adventure mode for the boy.
"Well, you see, the rocks were quite slippery, and I lost my balance because this immense wave came crashing over me! It knocked me down, sucked me up, tossed me around, and then spit me back out! That's when I cut my arm and bruised my face!"
Lucas' eyes were two huge portholes into the fascination of his mind.
"Jerry, how big was the wave? Did it hurt?"
"It hurt a little, yes. It was a HUGE wave! The biggest I'd ever seen!"
"Wow! Hey Jerry! Do the stitches hurt?"
"Just a bit, but you know, your mother has the amazing ability to make me not think much about it!"
"She never does that for me! Hey, did Jax get hurt too?"
Jerry's poker face only failed for a second, and then he looked to Bobbie for an answer.
**************************
Jane Jacks watched the interchange with great interest and some surprise. Jerry had never been at ease around children and she was impressed by the ease of his repore with the boy. It was a side of him she'd never seen before, and it gave her hope that one day Jerry could find a lasting love. Once Lucas threw his curveball, and Jerry failed to catch it, Jane decided it was time to interrupt.
"Jerry?"
Both Jerry and Bobbie were grateful for the interruption. Jerry quickly strode to his mother and embraced her. Keeping sight of Lucas in the back of his mind, he fought to keep his emotions in check. He looked up to see his father a few feet away. Jerry's expression towards his father was a silent plea for understanding. John took the initiative and embraced him along with his wife.
When Jerry thought he had his composure back in hand, he turned and introduced Bobbie and Lucas.
"Mum, Dad, this is Bobbie Jones and her son Lucas. Lucas, these are my parents."
The five of them sat back down while Bobbie finished with Jerry's stitches and made light conversation. When they were done, John stood and drew Bobbie aside.
"I'd like to prepare Lady Jane better for seeing Jax. Could we maybe take Lucas to get something from the commissary?"
"Yes, John. That would be fine. Jerry and I will check on him first to see how he is. We'll meet you down the hall."
She turned to Lucas and smiled.
"You know, I bet if you asked John and Jane nicely, they'll take you to get a soda in the cafeteria."
"Alright, but can I get a donut too? I already ate breakfast."
"Sure honey. We'll see you in just a bit, ok?"
Jane shot a questioning glance to her husband, but his face was set.
*********************
Jerry rounded the corner of Jax's room with Bobbie to find an empty bed. He immediately rushed to the bathroom door, but stopped short when he heard Bobbie gasp behind him.
"Jerry!"
He spun around to see Bobbie moving swiftly to where Jax was leaning precariously into nothingness. As he was shoving guest chairs out of his path, Jerry heard Jax mutter a phrase that made his blood freeze.
"Nobody leaves…"
Something inside of Jerry snapped in that moment. He recognized the phrase and knew what it meant. He bodily tore Jax from the window, and all but threw him against the wall.
"What the hell are you doing?"
Jax's eyes drooped heavily and he shook violently. He weakened in Jerry's grip and moaned thinly.
"Brenda…don't leave…don't leave me!"
Jerry started to openly sob. He didn’t know this man in front of him anymore. Where was his Jax?
"Jax, what's the matter with you? Why were you out there?"
"I was…hot…and…"
"It's fucking cold out there!"
In a split second of real despair, Jax's eyes became crystal-clear and coherent.
"Don't you get it Jerry? This," He placed a hand over his heart, "This is what's cold! In HERE!"
His eyes were terrified and pleading as he leaned in towards Jerry. He bowed his head and wept. Jerry's heart was breaking. He felt so helpless and frustrated again. He could do nothing to ease his brother's pain. Fear for Jax's sanity gripped him tightly and without mercy.
"I just wanted to touch her again…"
Suddenly, Jax gasped out in pain. His eyes rolled back in his head and he went completely limp in Jerry's arms. Bobbie was immediately up and screaming for a crash cart.
"Oh no, not again! Jax! Jax! You listen to me! Come back Jax! What the hell's wrong with you!"
Nurses and a doctor appeared from nowhere. The converged on Jax like a swarm of frantic bees. Jerry tried to see everything that was being done, but found himself being pulled out of the room by Bobbie and a stronger set of hands. Jerry yelled at Jax the entire way out, and by the time they shut the door Jerry was crying like a small child. He placed his hands against the glass as if to send himself though it. He felt himself falling into a deep abyss of despair. Jax was like another half of himself, and he couldn’t conceive that half gone. He also felt his grasp on the events slipping, and his mind losing it's ability to comprehend. Always so in control of every other aspect of his life, Jax was always the one to throw a wrench into the works, and until last night, it had been a quality that amused Jerry. Not now. This wasn't amusing, and it was threatening Jerry's sanity as well.
Again the strong hands were there and Jerry turned to look into his father's eyes. The expression in them finally allowed Jerry to let go. John guided Jerry to the nearby chairs to sit down, and watched while his son held his head in his hands and broke down.
"I don't know what to do! I can’t help him! He doesn't want to live! He won't even try for the sake of Brenda's memory! What do I do? I'm sorry I failed you! I failed Mum, and most importantly I failed Jax!"
In a rare moment of pure tenderness, John pulled his son into his arms and let him weep.
