Chapter 4

Jerry leaned forward his head between his legs taking deep breaths to steady himself. He never lost it like this, there had only ever been two people he had ever totally been himself with and both of them he had let down in the biggest way. One of them was dying in the room next to him and he could do nothing about it and the other was half a world away.

"Jerry? "

John looked at his eldest son, taking in for the first time his wan appearance. The events of the night before had finally started taking their toll on him. He didn't know what to say to Jerry. Jerry had always been the strong son, the one they counted on to watch over Jax, but who had watched over Jerry? He sat there now, tears streaking down his cheeks, his body shaking uncontrollably as he struggled to deal with

everything. Did Jerry know, John wondered, just how much he and Lady Jane loved him? Jerry's upper arm was wrapped in a bandage, his right temple bruising, and his arms, clearly visible in the T-shirt he was wearing, were black and blue.

"Don't dad, I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry, I couldn't do ANYTHING Dad! I just watched Jax's life fly off that cliff. The roof of the car ripped off , Veronica's body flew out… For a moment I thought it was Brenda… all I could hear were Jax's screams. I COULDN'T STOP IT!"

"Son, you did all you could! You risked your own life…"

John voice trailed as he moved to put an arm around Jerry's shoulder. It was a gesture neither of them were used to, but one so badly needed. Jerry jerked away reflexively.

"I'm not worth it Dad. Don't you understand? My actions warrant no adulation or commendation! It wasn't enough! Look at him! I couldn't help him! Hell, I could barely help myself in that water!"

"I don't want to hear this from you Jerry. That water should have been the death of you both, but you saw fit to beat it at its own game. You cheated the ocean of taking two more souls tonight. I couldn't be more proud of you. Look at Jax? Look at YOU. You're still in those clothes, you're exhausted, you've not eaten. You run on the steam of protecting Jax, but Jerry, who will protect you? I've not filled the title of being your paladin since you were young. I'm asking you to allow me the opportunity to reclaim that position."

Jerry stood up and walked to the door of the room. He heard the doctor calling for everyone to clear and then over the flat-line Jerry heard the thump of electricity being pulsed into Jax's body. Seconds later he heard the steady rhythm of his brother's heart monitor and he turned away from the door.

His mother was standing there with his father, tears streaming down her cheeks as John told her what happened. It seemed to Jerry that she was looking straight through him. She doesn't even see that I'm here, he thought.

"I'm leaving."

Jerry started to walk away but Jane grabbed his arm. He knew his parents loved him. He had never wanted for anything in that department, but Jax was the special one. The hope of the family.

"Jerry don't…"

Jane reached up and caressed the side of his cheek with her hand. They were so wonderful, both her babies. Jerry and Jax, they meant the world to her. Maybe it was time Jerry knew that.

"Please don't waste all the effort on me Mum. "

Jerry read his mother's eyes and half smiled at the love he saw reflected there. It was for him. He sighed.

"Don't you ever say that Jerry. You went into that water after Jax. Mac Scorpio told me that you almost drowned holding your brother's head above the water."

"Mum…"

"Don't Mum me Jerry. I wouldn't have been able to stand it if anything had happened to you. You're my baby Jerry, my first born. "

Her eyes teared up again and she enveloped him in the safety of her embrace. It still held the honor of being the safest place in the world for him. He felt himself slipping, wanting to stay forever in the warmth of his mother's love.

"I could never live if I lost either of you Jerry, because I'd loose a part of myself too. "

John watched the scene with great emotion. He joined both Jane and Jerry in the hug and sighed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Monica Quartermaine approaching them.

"John, Jane, I'm sorry to see you again under these circumstances. "

Monica shook both their hands and smiled at Jerry. He looked ready to drop.

"If you'd like to go in and see Jax now you can. There's just something you should know first. "

John took one of Jane's hands in his, and Jerry took her other hand. They stood braced as a united front.

"Jax has fallen into a coma."

Jane's gasp had both John and Jerry braced to catch her if she fainted.

"The extreme temperatures of the water he dove into last night, and the trauma of everything that happened have caused him to shut down. I can't tell you when he'll wake up…"

She paused.

"…or if he'll wake up. I can tell you that the next 12 hours will be critical. Sit with him, talk to him, read to him, but try to convince him to come out of this. He is also running a high- grade fever. His temperature is dangerously high as a matter of fact. We're going to be packing him in ice until we can get it to go down. I'm so sorry about everything. Brenda was, well, very special to our family, she was practically one of us. It's…" Monica wiped a tear away. She shook her head and sighed.

"You can go in and see him, now. If you need to rest or take some time on your own please feel free to use my office. "

One week later…

Jerry leaned against the door of Jax's hospital room. His parents had come to relieve him for a little while. He didn't know what was worse, keeping a suicide watch over his brother or going to prepare Brenda's memorial service. At the thought of Brenda, Jerry's chest constricted. She had so much to live for. He still couldn't believe that she was gone, because with her death he lost his brother too. Jax was alive, though some might wonder about that, but when you looked into his eyes you saw there the shell of a man that had until a week ago taken life and all it's punches with a laugh or a sly, witty remark. Last night when Jax had looked into his eyes, he sensed his brother had lost something vital upon Brenda's death. It was as though Jax's soul felt no need to carry on without her.

He took another deep breath. The emotions tearing at him were too frightening and he felt he couldn't breathe. A look around the corridor was distorted with spots in front of his eyes.

"Great, just great. "

With as much effort as he could muster Jerry slowly moved away from the wall. He swayed on his feet. He would eat something when he got back to the hotel.

"Excuse me? "

There was a hand on his arm and when Jerry looked up he saw two very lovely women with concerned faces.

"I'm fine..."

Jerry mumbled. The hand on his arm was sending electric currents through him and when he looked up again, he thought he felt his heart burst. A scent laden with nostalgia wafted by him. Walking down the hall was a woman with a wild mass of red hair flowing halfway down her back. The delicate lilac cloud left in her wake sent Jerry reeling into a past of deeply buried memories. Could it be? No, she was long gone now, a continent away, standing on her cliff watching the fog roll in. She used to love to do that. But then he heard her laugh, a sound that brought to mind fields of heather and wind chimes.

"Wait! Stop!"

He turned to start after her but was stunned to realize he was heading for the floor face first. His last thought was of how cold the hard tile felt, but then it seemed he was floating…

Jerry awoke with a start. The sound of a stereo playing briefly confused him. Why wasn't he at the hospital? Where was Jax? A quick look around the room revealed a warmly decorated cabin setting. Instantly he knew where he was. Sitting up, Jerry rubbed at his eyes and struggled to make sense of it all. Had it all been a nightmare, or was this a sweet reprieve? The subtle essence of wild heather on the air lulled him into peaceful contemplation. He moved from the bed to the open window. This can't be a dream, he thought, it's too real. But then again, so was that nightmare. He shuddered slightly at the memory of it.

Something outside captured his full attention. His gaze fixated on a solitary figure silhouetted against the falling evening sun. She stood there on the cliff, a classic plaid throw pulled about her shoulders. She did this almost every sunset, and just as often he attempted to join her without disturbing the moment. He edged the volume up just a tad on the stereo and opened the door quietly. Slowly he crept toward her, the heather swaying around his legs. Ten feet to go. He might have actually managed it this time!

"I know you're there Jerry." Her voice wisped out in a husky, but sweet tone. He could hear the smile in her words. Strains of music floated freely from the house. "Turning the radio up doesn't make any difference."

"Damn it. How do you do that?" Jerry still couldn't figure it out. Here he was, a man taught to surveil top spys, but damned if he could manage to sneak up on her!

"I can smell you." She laughed and turned to face him. She would never tell him how in coming from the cabin, he would forever be upwind from her. Poor Jerry, she mused. He'd never make it as a spy.

"Well!" Jerry snorted and feigned annoyance. "Now I'm offended!"

"No, not like that. "

He wrapped his arms around her and sighed as she leaned into him.

"You smell like soap…"

His hands skimmed up her sides and brushed against her breasts. She gasped but continued playfully.

"…and baby powder…"

He brushed her hair away from her neck and nuzzled it. She wrapped an arm around his neck and melded herself against him.

"…and something else that is just you."

"Really? You can smell all that can you?"

"Ummhmmm."

Jerry lifted her lips to his and imparted a slow sensual kiss. He felt her pull closer to him and increased the fervor of his caresses. Pausing briefly, they both admired the sunset glimmering off the water below. The sea opened up before them a vast treasure trove of secrets. The fog rolled in from it ancient lair, covering the rocks in its swirling dance. Again the fragrance of lilac in her hair hit him, filling him with renewed urgency.

"I think that's enough mist and ocean breeze for now, would you agree?" She gave a throaty giggle as he gathered her up into his arms and started back for the cabin. She brushed her lips lightly across his earlobe, making him walk faster. They barely got the door shut before giving in to a fierce passion in front of the fireplace. From the stereo the words of a mutual favorite underscored their love.