Jax didn't know how long he had been sitting by window, huddled up like a scared child. He didn't care either. The phone hadn't stopped ringing, first his mother, then Julia, then Thao. It was all being captured for eternity by the answering machine, and every person's voice brought another memory to him. Tossed them around in his mind until he felt like screaming. He glanced over it his pinball machine standing in the corner and was brought back to the first moment he had laid eyes on Brenda.
"Jaxbot, you've hit jaxbot! "
The lights on the machine whirled and bells whistled.
"I'd say that was an omen wouldn't you? "
Her voice floated over to him, silky smooth, and sultry, skimming through the air, beckoning him to turn around and see where that voice came from and when he did he thought his heart had stopped. He should have known then.
Hard to tellA knock on the door broke him out of his reverie and he stood up, arms crossed, back to the door as he looked out side the window. Remembering, as he had with Ned, how many times he and Brenda had stood together watching the sunset arms around each other. Now he was alone, and his soul felt as cold as the air outside had to be. It had started snowing, gently at first until he watched the first layer of powder coat the streets. He knew he should be moved by the beautiful silence and peace that came with a snowfall, but instead he was transported back to Lily's call.
"Jax, it's Brenda. "
"What is it? "
He had just gotten back to Port Charles after leaving Brenda in Canada. He had thought she was ready to move on, to end her obsession with Sonny and start something with him, but then he had found out that she was really just manipulating him, Sonny and Lily had been at the resort and the ploy to go up there and spend time with him had been just that a ploy. Now at the thought of Brenda in trouble his heart stopped.
"There's been an avalanche Jax, Brenda's missing. "
Oh God, Oh God, Jax knew what an avalanche could do to a person, he knew how quickly it could kill.
"I'll be right there. "
"Jax, there's one more thing. "
"What? "
"Sonny's out there too, he went after her. "
A sharp pain lanced through him and he shook it off.
"I'll be right there. "
First the thunder
The knock at the door became a pounding and he silently prayed that it wasn't Jerry come to drag him off again. He needed to face these conflicting feelings. Everything in him told him that Brenda was gone, he had let her slip out of his grasp into the depths of the ocean just as he himself was being plunged into the depths of hell with the loss of her. Yet there was something in him, a little piece of him that held onto the desire that she might still be alive somewhere. If she wasn't, if she were truly dead, that what would be the point of him going on? What would be his reason for living?
"Jax if you don't open this door right now I'm going to break the damn thing down! "
Lois, he turned towards the door just in time to see it fling open. He watched stunned as she kissed Ned on the cheek and handed him the key. She walked in, Ned turned and left, closing the door behind him.
"I warned you Jax. I've been pounding on that door for the better part of two hours. "
Lois stood by the penthouse fireplace, her eyes drifting to the little yacht on the mantle. It had been important to Brenda and Jax, she almost smiled to see it there. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She didn't know what to expect when she saw him. Ned had told her that Brenda's death had changed Jax. Looking at him now she didn't know whether or not she should have come. He didn't move, didn't greet her or even acknowledge that she was there. Instead he just looked through her and she knew he was lost in his memories. His eyes were wet with tears his were shaking slightly and his skin was flushed. With trepidation she moved towards him.
Moments in time were flashing before him. This moment was unreal. Brenda should be standing at the doorway, turning to him and laughing. The sound made him tingle. He could almost hear it in the penthouse. If he turned his head to the side, and closed his eyes he could see her standing there before him. That would never happen again. She was lost to him, only alive in his memories. But damn it, he didn't want memories, he wanted Brenda in his arms. He wanted to see her eyes half closed with passion as he entered her. He wanted to lay with her after they made love laughing and talking. He didn't want to be alone.
He didn't realize that the sob that filled the room had come from him until Lois's arms were around him. He let himself go limp, she led him without a word to the sofa and just sat with him and let him mourn.
"Oh Jax, oh I'm so sorry. We all loved her so much. "
Lois whispered the words to him, knowing that he probably couldn't hear her. But wanting to release the sentiment herself. Lois had been stunned when she saw him, a shell of the man she had known loved her best friend. Tears poured down her cheeks too as she thought of what had been lost with Brenda, it was so unreal to her, that life could be this cruel and uncaring. So she did what she could to honor Brenda's memory as she tried to comfort Jax.
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"In A Lifetime" by Clannad, from the album Anam.
