WORTH THINKING ABOUT....AT LEAST ONCE!...

Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the
same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before
you do.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:

His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia..............U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white......Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois................... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .........Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .......................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst....................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin......................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.........Wayto Gogh
The little nephew.............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco......................Ahgo Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie B. Gogh

Last Wish...

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Mr Drone."
"Drone! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years
so let him suffer now!!!."

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were
first married, I would come home from the office, my wife
would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run
around barking. Now after ten years it's all different.
I come home,the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around
barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still
getting the same service!"

Devotion...

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple
next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted
they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you
do that?" "I would love to." replied the husband,
"but I don't know her well enough."

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always
came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and
from my bed. I called out 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful ? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right,
one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls.
The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just
can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in.
All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is
she mad! "What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?"
she asks. "I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady",
replies the golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to
my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will
be an entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just
about worn out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter
for a year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over
there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"

Lawyers...

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the United States District Court for the
Northern District of Texas has a monthly article in the Texas Bar
Journal. He prints reader submissions of humorous exchanges between
lawyers and witnesses taken from deposition and trial transcripts.
This one is a classic:

Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the
cause of death of the patient?

Doctor: That's correct.

Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency
room?

Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.

Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at
the hospital?

Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in
the emergency room a short time after arriving.

Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?

Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was
not involved with the patient initially.

Attorney: Well, are you sure, then, that he died in the emergency
room?

Doctor: That is what the records indicate.

Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him
dead, having not seen or physically examined the
patient at that time?

Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and
that was the cause of death.

Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to
examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?

Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce
him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his
brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the
rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out
practicing law somewhere.

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~ Always, JB