JB's Jokes: Page 3

CONFUCIUS SAY:

There are no mistakes in life, only lessons....

"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

"Work to become, not to acquire."

"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely
to end up with splitting headache."

"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!"

"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Man who drive like hell is bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get the point!"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"

"Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!"

"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

"War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left."

"Those who quote me are fools."

WHERE AM I?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to
the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T
he sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said,
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his
map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC
(Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct
but completely useless answer."


The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?

9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please
log off."

11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any
key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.


A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs", still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened.
The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

What is the difference between a 'drunk' and an 'alcoholic'?
A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you.

What would you call 3.1416 vaginas?
Hair Pi

What is '68'??
You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip

What do you call a man who weeps while he's masturbating?
A Tearjerker

Why did the blonde have bruises all over her belly button?
Because her boyfriend is blonde, too.

What's the definition of "gynecologist"?
The spreader of wives' tales.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"We do taste like chicken."

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When your hand falls asleep.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

What's a 'YANKEE'??
Same as a quickie, but men can do it alone.

What goes "Marc! Marc!"
A dog with a harelip

When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's house??
When the big hand touches the little hand.

What did Princess Di and Mother Theresa do on New Year's Eve?
Went to a John Denver concert.

What's the difference between PeeWee Herman and O.J. Simpson?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit was in an auto accident??
Some dick cut her off!

What was the final outcome of the Kennedy/Bono football game?
It was a tie: tree to tree

Did you hear about the blonde who robbed a bank?
She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Why do the prices keep going up at the U.S.P.S.?
High cost of ammo.

What's the definition of "rodeo sex" ?
Mount your wife from behind, grab her by the ears and tell her this is how your girlfriend
likes it.

A man walks into his son's bedroom and says,
"Son, masturbating will cause you to go blind!!"
The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here."

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

What is the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas??
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur driven Mercedes

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?
A Computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just
waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


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~ Always, JB