You just thought it couldn't get worse!!!...

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole the bank's video camera while it was recording
remotely. The videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself
stealing the camera.)

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill
on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened
the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all
the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled leaving the
$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun
at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was
then taken out of the car and told to stand there for
a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a
motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to
find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his
hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and
mentioned that there was a car phone in it.
The policeman taking the report called the phone, and
told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in
the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged
to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that
a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan
at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

And Finally, Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front
off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine
to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling
the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper
off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

An amateur ventriloquist is on vacation and is visiting
an Indian reservation. He walks up to an Indian sitting
in front of his teepee and engages in conversation.
Man: That is a nice dog, Mind if I talk to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Man: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog(ventriloquist): Doing all right.
Indian: extreme look of shock
Man: Is this your owner? pointing to the Indian.
Dog: Yep
Man: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: look of disbelief
Man: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Man: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Cool
Indian: more extreme look of shock
Man: Is this your owner? pointing to the Indian.
Horse: Yep
Man: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the
barn to protect me from the elements
Indian: total look of amazement
Man: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep lie!!!

The Doe family was on their summer vacation at a nudist beach.
John went for a walk, Jane lay sunbathing on a blanket and little
Jimmy played in the water. Jimmy ran excitingly up to his mother.
"Mom! I just saw some women with boobies much bigger than yours!"
"That's OK,Jimmy," his
mother replied. "The bigger they are, the dumber they are. Now,
run along and play. "A few minutes later, Jimmy came running up
again. "Mom! I just saw some men whose dingers were much longer
than Dad's!" "Well, you just don't pay them any attention,"
she said."The longer they are, the stupider they are "In a
few minutes, Jimmy came running up again. "Mom! I just saw Dad
talking to the dumbest lady I've ever seen and the longer they
talked,the stupider he got!"

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman
behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"

"But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a

*sperm* bank."

"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.

"Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.

"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.

"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another
bottle and drink it."

"But sir, I just drank one!"

"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.

When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the
woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

"Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"

A young man dreamt of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
finally saved up enough money, so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would
like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young
man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is
now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet.

The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that
will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of
Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and
everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike
and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.
He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he
picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition
that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long
fifteen
minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches
over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word.......

Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on
the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.

And no one says a word.......

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her
on the table. They have even wilder sex.

And no one says a word........

By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next
when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to
protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket
and pulls out his Vaseline. And the father says
"Okay damnit, I'll do the dishes!!!"

Circumcision Hang Out???...

The little boy at the back of the class was squirming in his chair,
not paying attention. The teacher approached him to find out what
the problem was. Quite embarrassed the boy whispered he had just
been circumcised and was quite itchy.

The teacher sent him to the principal's office to phone his mom and
ask her what to do about it. After making the phone call he
returned to class and sat down.

All of a sudden there was a commotion in the back of the room. The
boy was sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "What are
you doing?" the shocked teacher asked. "I thought I told you to
call your mother?!"

"I did," came the reply, "and my Mom told me if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

The Seven Dwarfs walk up to a nunnery and huddle outside the door
to discuss something. Then Doc walks up to the door and knocks.
The Mother Superior opens the door and Doc asks her if there are
any 3 ft nuns in this nunnery. The mother superior looks at him
funny and says that no, there are no 3 ft nuns here. Doc thanks
her and goes back to the group and they huddle again making all
sorts of whispering noises. Happy walks up to the door and knocks
jovially. Mother Superior opens the door and Happy asks if there
are any 3 ft nuns in the country. Mother Superior wonders what
is going on, but says that, no, there are no 3 ft nuns in the
country. Happy thanks her and goes back to the group. Again
they huddle for consultation. Grumpy is sent up to the door.
The Mother Superior opens the door and Grumpy asks her if there
are any 3 ft nuns on the continent, and the Mother Superior,
frustrated, says that NO, there are no 3 ft nuns on the continent.
Grumpy growls a thank you and goes back to the group.
After a few minutes, they send Sleepy. He knocks on the door
and the Mother Superior opens the door, sees Sleepy standing
there, and yells, "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FT NUNS ON THE
ENTIRE PLANET! NONE! THERE NEVER WERE AND NEVER WILL BE ANY
3 FT NUNS! EVER!" and slams the door. Sleepy yawns and goes
back the group. He shakes his head. The rest of the group
turns to Dopey and starts chanting "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN,
DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN..."

The new lumberjack was having a harder time adjusting to the
isolation of the Canadian wilderness than he had expected.
Finally, he became so horny that he headed for the foreman's
office for advice. "I don't know what to do, boss, " said the
despondent lumberjack. "I'm so horny I could explode!"
"Don't worry," said the boss. "That's a common problem, and we
have just the thing to take care of it. You know that barrel
over by the mess hall?" "Yeah," replied the lumberjack.
"The one with the hole in it?" "That's the one," said the foreman.
"You just go over to that barrel, stick your dick inside that hole,
and I guarantee you'll have the experience of your life."
Skeptical but desperate, the lumberjack resolved to give it a shot.
He went over to the barrel, inserted his penis in the hole, and
WHAM! It was the finest orgasm he'd ever experienced. He couldn't
believe the quality of the sensation (or the relief!). He rushed
back to the foreman's office in glee. "Well, did you do what
I said" asked the boss? "I sure did, and it was just like you said!
I haven't ever felt anything that good in my whole life!"
cried the exuberant lumberjack. "I'm going to visit that barrel
EVERY DAY from now on!" "Well," corrected the boss, "every day
but Wednesday." "Why not Wednesday?" asked the lumberjack.
"That's your day in the barrel!!!"

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~ Always, JB