Money delivery...

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His
clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy."Can I help you?"the
madam asked."I want Natalie,"the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is
one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I
must see Natalie."Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old
man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and
reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went
up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night
he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts,
it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two
went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed
up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he
handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of
the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man
replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a
sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man.
"She gave me $3,000 to give to you.

A sailor who has been at sea for several months comes into port
and heads for a brothel. He tells the man at the desk he'd like
some sex, but he doesn't have much money. The man tells him a
girl will cost him $40 and a sex show $20. The sailor is desperate
as he only has $5, having lost most of his money
in cards games aboard ship.

"You've got to help me out! I've been at sea for months and I
really need some sex. You've got to do something for me.
Please!" The man thinks for a moment, takes the money, and
directs the sailor to one of the upstairs rooms. Once inside
the room the sailor looks around but the only thing he sees is a
chicken. Desperate for some action, he resigns himself to having
his way with the chicken and quickly leaves.

Two weeks later, he returns, this time having won a few bucks
on ship. "What do you have for $20," he asks. The man directs
him upstairs once again to a different room. Opening the door,
the room is packed with men shoulder to shoulder all watching
lesbians through a one-way mirror on the wall. The sailor's eyes
light up as he watches and remarking to a man standing next to
him, "This is great."

The man replies, "If you thinks this is great, you should have
been here 2 weeks ago. There was a guy screwing a chicken!"

Stung...

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp
buzzed into the woman's private part. The husband covered her with
a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a mad
dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that
the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the
husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis,
penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man
agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the
occasion. "If neither of you object," the medic said,"I could give it
a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly
undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband
watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for
several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?" "Change of
plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the bastard!"

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been
married twelve times. On their wedding night they settle into
the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new
groom, "please promise to be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been
able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the
phenomena.

The bride responded . . .

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent
our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's
gonna be great!"

My second husband was from Software Services; he was
never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he would send me the documentation.

My third husband was from Field Service who constantly
said that everything was diagnostically "ok," but he just
couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he
simply said, "those who can...do; those who can't ... teach."

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department
who said that he had the orders, but wasn't quite sure when
he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was a Mechanical Engineer. He told me
that he understood the basic process, but needed three years
to research, implement & design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration.
His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't
sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and
told me that he was up to the standards, but that regulations
said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know
I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it."

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do
was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever
wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever
wanted to do was . . . God I miss him! So now that I have
married a lawyer, . . . I know I'm really going to get screwed !

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window:

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator:

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator:

California: with gun in lap:

LA: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror:

Ohio, but driving in California:
Both feet holding the brake while their buddy takes a leak:

Montana: Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Italy: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Seattle: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake,
throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

Texas City Male: One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window,
keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left
side of the road:

Texas country Male: One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror
to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to
keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle
steering the car,chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid
handle in the glove compartment:

Texas Female: Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions
from their own or another's car: Colorado Four wheel drive pickup
truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel
tails attached to antenna:

West Virginia Male: Junked, driven by someone who previously had a
nice car and who is now wearing a barrel:

Las Vegas: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the
left blinker on.

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners
after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun'."

You are visitor number to this page!

~ Always, JB