Oops, Wrong Number...

A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone
whom I just figured was her husband."

Now this guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would
you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and
shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps,
followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do
with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh... is this 832-4821?"

Prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at
the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the
koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long.

The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been
paid!"

Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she
reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*. She shows him
the definition:

PROSTITUTE (pros`ti toot) n. A woman who performs services
for money.

The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows
her a definition:

KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush
and leaves.

A mountain man-type guy comes down out of the hills to cash in the
gold he has panned. He wants a little piece of action. After
getting his money, he heads straight to the closest whore house.
Inside he says to the Madam, "Send me up a bottle of beer, a box of
matches and the roughest, toughest whore that you got. I'm awful
horny and I want a woman who can handle me."

Fifteen minutes later, there is a knock at the door to his room and in
walks a pretty young girl with a box of matches and a bottle of beer.

"If you don't mind," said the mountain man. "I'd like to administer a
little test to make sure you're rough and tough enough. Drop your
knickers and bend over."

She does as she's told and he takes one of the matches out of the
box and attempts to strike it on her bare ass. It doesn't light, so
he tells her to get out and to tell the Madam to send up a real rough
and tough whore.

This scene is carried out repeatedly until the Madam discovers that
she has run out of whores. Knowing that she must make the customer
happy, she goes up herself to satisfy the mountain man.

Like the others, she drops drawers and bends over when she is told.
He rakes the match across her ass and it bursts into flames.

"Now, that's more like it!" says the mountain man happily. Then he
notices that the Madam is still bending over. "You can stand up now,"
he says.

"But," says the madam, "don't you want to open the beer?"

Da new hooker!...

The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she
came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around
to hear the details. She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome
marine". "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said " I
told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that
much". So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that
much either". "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine
said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can
give you is a hand job" He agreed and after getting the finances
straight, she said " he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and
then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the
second hand....." "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been
huge"! " then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said.

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to attend
a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients
to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of
the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived just before the
first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem, the director
yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the
national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the
inmates sat. The game proceeded, and the inmates were well behaved.
When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap,
nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were
going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and
a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director
finally located his assistant and demanded to know what happened!?"
"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over
and yelled, "Peanuts!"

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day
just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, "You
know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I
don't think I can stay in business at those prices."
Her Mom thinks for a while and says, "Well dear, in my day we would
give a blow job and sex for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky
to get that!" Grandma looks at her daughter and her granddaughter and
says, "The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back
during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we
were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

Because their balls fall over their asshole and they
vapor lock.

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~ Always, JB