Famous Sport Quotes...

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys pair
up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying
to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me,
measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come
out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so
when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the
clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at
every level, except college and pro."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at
six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D:"Son, looks
to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his
team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on
the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where
else to play."

1981 - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms
Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might
settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants
Texas back."

1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the
abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from
poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke
his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for
football?"

1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts
after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt,
pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss
against St.Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve
players out for the toss next time."

1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator
fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G..M., when asked after a
loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on
lousy officiating."

1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights
as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just
darker."

1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision
not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid
I'd get shot."

1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant
at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction
after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad,
that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games."

1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children:
"They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent
flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came
around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and
placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if
he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely
raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and
said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.
I'll have the same thing he's having."

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is
spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese
is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular
cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more
spoiled than it is already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -
(or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen
knife.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball
should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone
rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back
seat by mistake."

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are
asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the
phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I,
the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies,
"I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the
coast was clear."

Simpson fans...

The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing
the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, reminiscent
of the whole "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes
him as a troublemaker. Each episode (when they use this version
of the credits, the Simpsons are famous for changing opening
and closing credits mid-season) is usually different. Someone
apparently went through the trouble of taping all the Simpsons,
watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the
board. These are the collected writings of the Simpsons from the
chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits.
Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these.

I will not carve gods. I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her
front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a
sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and
informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be
really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful
princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front
of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees
weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."

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~ Always, JB