1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's OK, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Ever hear of Clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button ?
60. Where's the rest of it ?
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!
A government tender was put out to have a barbecue area built near the swimming pool at Parliament House.
A Melbourne builder put in a quote for $1.6 million; $8000,000 for labour and $800,000 for materials. A Queensland builder's quote was $1.4 million; $600,000 for labour and $800,000 for materials. A tasmanian builder reckoned he could do it for $1 million; $200,000 for labour and $800,000 for materials.
The last tender in was a New South Wales builder who told the minister concerned that the job could be done for $3 million.
"Three million!" the minister gased. "Why so much?"
"Well," the builder explained,"it's $1 million for me, $1 million for you, and $1 million for the Tasmanian to do the job."
Please note, this does not mean this would really happens.
Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Confucius say
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement
Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Confucius say...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Confucius say....
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Confucius say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say...
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Confucius say...
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts
Ned was up on a murder charge, but he had plenty of money and some crooked mates. Ned arranged to have the foreman of the jury bribed to help sway the rest to bring in a manslaughter verdict. It cost him plenty, but he got the verdict he wanted.
When Ned was released a few years later he met the jury foreman and thanked him over a glass of beer. "It must have taken a bit of doing," said Ned. "Sure did," replied the foreman,"that jury sure took some convincing to get you for manslaughter; they were dead-set on not-guilty."
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
A site foreman inspecting one section of a major construction. The place is a hive of activity, and everyone is working furiously except for one bloke who is dangling by a ope from the ceiling and yelling out:"I'm a chanderlier, I'm a chanderlier, I'm a chanderlier."
The formean spits the dummy and sacks the nutter on the spot. When he did this evcery other worker downed tools and start packing up to leave. "What the hell is going on?" the foreman asked angrily.
"We won't work in the dark", the union rep replied.
TAOISM - Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM - Confusious say shit happens.
BUDDHISM - If shit happens it really isn't shit.
ZEN - What is the sound of shit happening.
HINDUISM - This shit happened before.
ISLAM - If shit happens it is the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM - Let shit happen to someone else.
CATHOLICISM - If shit happens, you deserve it.
JUDAISM - Why does shit always happen to us.
ATHIESM - Farts happen, but we're not sure about the shit.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS - Let us in, and we'll tell you why shit happens.
HARE KRISHNA - Shit happens, shit happens, shit shit, happens happens.
PAGANISM - The Goddess shit too.
SCIENTOLOGY - Let me tell you about your shit.
RASTAFARIAN - Hay mon, this is good shit.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See previous action.
SYMPTOM Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Steering wheel suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch the ignoramus.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone within sight, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the F***ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
8. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741
12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
18. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
21. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
22. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they will not know any difference.
24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM: Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to descibe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behaviour)
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminispger are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK: Used to discribe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking Jeff....he's 404, man."
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's head pop s up over the walls to see what's going on.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up the boss.
It was Saturday morning and Bob was just about to set off on a round of golf when he realised that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine was comming around at noon. So, Bob headed back to the clubhouse and phoned home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, It's Daddy," said Bob, "is mummy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob said, "but you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!" "Okay, then, here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the phone." "Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god. And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
Ther was a long pause, then Bod said, "swimming pool? Is this 9854 7039?"
Do you wash yourself in Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants...
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here.
Your body's name must be Visa, becuase it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I but you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but I were on you, I'd be comming too.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
I'm a bird watcher & I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
You must be Jamaican, becuase Jamacian me crazy.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
Hi, my name is_____, remember it, cuase you'll be screaming it all night long.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tonue.
Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
Your father must be a theif 'cause he stole the stars and put them in your eyes!
There's something missing from the menu!!!! I'm sorry sir what id it?? You!!
The Board of Health has proposed the warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible perils of pounding a pint or two.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a pig down at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an arsehole.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again, until your friends want to smash your head in.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alochol may lead you to beleive that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alochol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alochol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scrary (whose species and/or name you can't remember.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alochol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alochol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big bloke named Psycho.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde who was new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(REMEMBER, this is TRUE)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
JANUARY - * Ambitious and serious * Loves to teach and be taught * Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses * Likes to criticise * Hardworking and productive * Smart, neat and organised * Sensitive and has deep thoughts * Knows how to make others happy * Quiet unless excited or tensed * Rather reserved * Highly attentive * Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds * Romantic but has difficulties expressing love * Loves children * Homely person * Loyal * Needs to improve social abilities * Easily jealous *
FEBRUARY - * Abstract thoughts * Loves reality and abstract * Intelligent and clever * Changing personality * Temperamental * Quiet, shy and humble * Low self esteem * Honest and loyal * Determined to reach goals * Loves freedom * Rebellious when restricted * Loves aggressiveness * Too sensitive and easily hurt * Showing anger easily * Dislike unnecessary things * Loves making friends but rarely shows it * Daring and stubborn * Ambitious * Realising dreams and hopes * Sharp * Loves entertainment and leisure * Romantic on the inside not outside * Superstitious and ludicrous * Spendthrift * Learns to show emotions *
MARCH - * Attractive personality * Affectionate * Shy and reserved * Secretive * Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic * Loves peace and serenity * Sensitive to others * Loves to serve others * Not easily angered * Trustworthy * Appreciative and returns kindness * Observant and assess others * Revengeful * Loves to dream and fantasise * Loves travelling * Loves attention * Hasty decisions in choosing partners * Loves home decors * Musically talented * Loves special things * Moody *
APRIL - * Active and dynamic * Decisive and hasty but tends to regret * Attractive and affectionate to oneself * Strong mentality * Loves attention |* Diplomatic * Consoling * Friendly and solves people's problems * Brave and fearless * Adventurous * Loving and caring * Suave and generous * Emotional * Revengeful * Aggressive * Hasty * Good memory * Moving * Motivate oneself and the others * Sickness usually of the head and chest * Easily get too jealous *
MAY - * Stubborn and hard-hearted * Strong-willed and highly motivated * Sharp thoughts * Easily angered * Attracts others and loves attention * Deep feelings * Beautiful physically and mentally * Firm standpoint * Easily influenced * Needs no motivation * Easily consoled * Systematic (left brain) * Loves to dream * Strong clairvoyance * Understanding * Sickness usually in the ear and neck * Good imagination * Good debating skills * Good physical * Weak breathing * Loves literature and the arts * Loves travelling * Dislike being at home * Restless * Hardworking * High spirited * Spendthrift *
JUNE - * Thinks far with vision * Easily influenced by kindness * Polite and soft-spoken |* Having lots of ideas * Sensitive * Active mind * Hesitating * Tends to delay * Choosy and always wants the best * Temperamental * Funny and humorous * Loves to joke * Good debating skills * Talkative * Daydreamer * Friendly * Knows how to make friends * Abiding * Able to show character * Easily hurt * Prone to getting colds * Loves to dress up * Easily bored * Fussy * Seldom show emotions * Takes time to recover when hurt * Brand conscious * Executive * Stubborn * Those who love me are enemies * Those who hate me are friends *
JULY - * Fun to be with * Secretive * Difficult to fathom and to be understood * Quiet unless excited or tensed * Takes pride in oneself * Has reputation * Easily consoled * Honest * Concern about people's feelings * Tactful * Friendly * Approachable * Very emotional * Temperamental and unpredictable * Moody and easily hurt * Witty and snarky * Sentimental * Not revengeful * Forgiving but never forgets * Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things * Guides others physically and mentally * Sensitive and forms impressions carefully * Caring and loving * Treats others equally * Strong sense of sympathy * Wary and sharp * Judge people through observations * Hardworking * No difficulties in studying * Loves to be alone * Always broods about the past and the old friends * Likes to be quiet * Homely person * Waits for friends * Never looks for friends * Not aggressive unless provoked * Prone to having stomach and dieting problems * Loves to be loved * Easily hurt but takes long to recover * Overly concerned * Puts in effort in work *
AUGUST - * Loves to joke * Attractive * Suave and caring * Brave and fearless * Firm and has leadership qualities * Knows how to console others * Too generous and egoistic * Takes high pride of oneself * Thirsty for praises * Extraordinary spirit * Easily angered * Angry when provoked * Easily jealous * Observant * Careful and cautious * Thinks quickly * Independent thoughts * Loves to lead and to be led * Loves to dream * Talented in the arts, music and defence * Sensitive but not petty * Poor resistance against illnesses * Learns to relax * Hasty and rushed * Romantic * Loving and caring * Loves to make friends *
SEPTEMBER - * Suave and compromising * Careful, cautious and organised * Likes to point out people's mistakes * Likes to criticise * Quiet but able to talk well * Calm and cool * Kind and sympathetic * Concerned and detailed * Trustworthy, loyal and honest * Does work well * Sensitive * Thinking * Good memory * Clever and knowledgeable * Loves to look for information * Must control oneself when criticising * Able to motivate oneself * Understanding * Secretive * Loves sports, leisure and travelling * Hardly shows emotions * Tends to bottle up feelings * Choosy especially in relationships * Loves wide things * Systematic *
OCTOBER - * Loves to chat * Loves those who loves him * Loves to takes things at the centre * Attractive and suave * Inner and physical beauty * Does not lie or pretend * Sympathetic * Treats friends importantly * Always making friends * Easily hurt but recovers easily * Bad tempered * Selfish * Seldom helps unless asked * Daydreamer * Very opinionated * Does not care of what others think * Emotional * Decisive * Strong clairvoyance * Loves to travel, the arts and literature * Soft-spoken, loving and caring * Romantic * Touchy and easily jealous * Concerned * Loves outdoors * Just and fair * Spendthrift and easily influenced * Easily lose confidence *
NOVEMBER - * Has a lot of ideas * Difficult to fathom * Thinks forward * Unique and brilliant * Extraordinary ideas * Sharp thinking * Fine and strong clairvoyance * Can become good doctors * Careful and cautious * Dynamic in personality * Secretive * Inquisitive * Knows how to dig secrets * Always thinking * Less talkative but amiable * Brave and generous * Patient * Stubborn and hard-hearted * If there is a will, there is a way * Determined * Never give up * Hardly become angry unless provoked * Loves to be alone * Thinks differently from others * Sharp-minded * Motivates oneself * Does not appreciate praise * High-spirited * Well-built and tough * Deep love and emotions * Romantic * Uncertain in relationships * Homely * Hardworking * High abilities * Trustworthy * Honest and keeps secrets * Not able to control emotions * Unpredictable *
DECEMBER - * Loyal and generous * Patriotic * Active in games and interactions * Impatient and hasty * Ambitious * Influential in organizations * Fun to be with * Loves to socialise * Loves praise * Loves attention * Loves to be loved * Honest and trustworthy * Not pretending * Short tempered * Changing personality * Not egoistic * Takes high pride in oneself * Hates restrictions * Loves to joke * Good sense of humour * Logical *
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© 1997
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on turning off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a cucumber. She gets completely upset.
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly "I am going to be able to explain the cucumber a lot easier than you are going to be able to explain our three kids."
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She heard 90% of all crimes happen around the home, so she packed up and moved.
Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? ... It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists?...Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What do you call a basement full of blondes?...A whine cellar.
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her, "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says, "I can tell you how to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie
"Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do it dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver "
The ghost shit - The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
The clean shit - The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
The wet shit - You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those readful skid marks.
The second wave shit - This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
The brain hemorrahage through your nose shit - Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The corn shit - No explanation necessary.
The Lincoln log shit - The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The notorious drinker shit - The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The "Gee, I really wish I could shit" shit - The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
The wet cheeks shit - Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
The liquid shit - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
The Mexican food shit - A class of its own.
The crowd pleaser - This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
The mood enhancer - This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The ritual - This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The guiness book of World Records shit - A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
The aftershock shit - This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
The "Honeymoon's Over" shit - This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
The groaner - A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
The floater - Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
The ranger - A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
The phantom shit - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
The peek-a-boo shit - Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
The bombshell - A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
The snake charmer - A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -usually harmless.
The Olympic shit - This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
The back-to-nature shit - This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
The pebbles-from-heaven shit - An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
Premiditated shit - Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Shitzophernia - Fear of shitting, can be fatal!
Energizer vs. Duracell shit - Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
The power dump shit - The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
The liquid plumber shit - This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
The spinal tap shit - The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
The "I think I'm giving birth through my asshole" shit - Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
The porridge shit - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
The "I'm going to chew my food better from now on" shit - When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
The "I think I'm turning into the Easter bunny" shit - When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
The "What the hell died in here?" shit - Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
The "I just know there's a little turd still dangeling in there" shit - Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
The Dairy Queen Shit - The shit that has the little swirl thingie on the end of it.
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