Seeing As You Like Them Here Are
Some More Twisted Jokes
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Insist that your e-mail address is
Xena-WarriorPrincess@OCDSB.edu.on.ca OR
Elvis-the-King@OCDSB.edu.on.ca
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put you garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your cheques, write 'FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS'.
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy'.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name - Rock Hard.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" - "3rd time this week!".
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose".
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity........ Send an e-mail copy of this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent a copy of it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
Bloody Coppers
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for exceeding .05
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car is quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying prick told you I was speeding, as well.
Story To Warm Your Heart....
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque a such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless c**k suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the |f**king bricks", replied the little girl.
Robbery!!!
This is just too funny not to share. Taken from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said "At least we'll have a bit to eat". The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The next day the newspaper headline read :
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"
A Few Short One's!!!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay cheque
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months
Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Who Said What You Like Wont Kill You!!!
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.? One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.?
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights,could not stop himself.?
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.?
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.?
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
ANOTHER BLONDE STORY
Now we know why guys like blondes so much...cause they are so smart.
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
What A Job, But Someone Has To Do It
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
Don't Despair
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied,
"That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."
Quick Cash
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $20 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for Fuck's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
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