The Third Ten Pages
~ when you're watching tv, hit the mute button and make up your own dialogue. when this becomes dull, turn off the tv and continue to make up dialogue, but also make up the people on the screen; what they look like, what they're doing. try not to go insane.
~ sneak into a bowling alley after hours and bring a slip 'n' slide. set it up on a lane. the rest is obvious.
~ buy a bunch of bananas and carry them around with you during the day. pick a random word from the dictionary and whenever someone says that word, give him a banana. don't tell him why, just give the banana.
~ when you're really hungry and the guy next to you is snacking on chips, stare at each chip as it travels from the bag to his grubby, gluttonous mouth. make little whiny noises each time the chip hits saliva. it's so much more fun than just asking.
~ whenever you're reading a book that you don't like, burn it. when you see someone else reading it, take the book away and light it aflame. laugh contentedly.
- (By Melissa, a girl in one of Julie's classes) (Note from Julie: john: i think it's catching on. panic.) Around your neighborhood, find a cat, a tape recorder, and a stuffed animal which resembles a cat. Record the cat you have found as it meows, then step on its tail and record that noise. Don't kill the cat or step on its tail too much, you too could have been a cat in another life. Put the tape recorder and stuffed cat in your bag. Play the tape in your class. Whenever the cat meows, kick the bag veminently (actual misspelling: I think she meant "vehemently"). repeat this, becoming more and more violent, finally slamming the bag against the wall until the tape is over or the tape recorder is broken. Then sit quietly until the bell. on your way out of class, stop by the trash can and throw the bag and its contents into it nonchalantly. Watch and see if anyone is morbid enough to pull out the "dead cat" for inspection.
~ every single day, stop for a moment and say to yourself, "i'm darned glad to be alive." then, trip the next person you see and laugh at him as he lay sprawled on the ground. if the sight isn't funny enough, kick him squarely in the genitals.
~ the next time you hear someone say "nirvana", and he doesn't seem to be a buddhist, punch him directly between the eyes. do the same to all his bonehead friends. please! tell them to never mention the following words again (especially in 6th period): nirvana, kurt, drugs, cool, cobain. nor the phrases: listens to nirvana, nirvana is cool, kurt cobain says/does/said/did/wore/wrote/sang.... thank you.
~ whatever happened to cindy lauper?
~ do you ever get nagging thoughts without any purpose for existing or any possible way of being answered? thoughts like, "what if everything was black and white (gray too)? would we still have names for colors?" and "what is the meaning of life? is it really sex?" if so, grab a screwdriver and place it gently in your ear. then THRUST until they go away. it works.
~ when you smell b.o. fall on the ground and start gagging. convulse a bit.
~ get ahold of an infectious skin virus (make sure it's in a test tube or something). go to a formal dress or tux rental store. spread the virus on the interior of every fucking piece of formal conformist-wear you can get ahold of. cackle maliciously.
~ (you had to be there for this one.) during morning announcements, imagine the people being tortured in various ways. force-feed brock 500 lbs. of processed meat. drive a spike right through sarah's skull. cover jennifer with cottage cheese and lower her slowly into a pit of leeches. advisory will be over in no time.
~ print stickers with "this is 100% regurgitated crap" on them. go to blockbuster music and slap those babies on all the cd's and tapes. except for the doors. except for classical music. don't forget to put them on anything with the words "Bush", alternative, or "as seen on mtv".
~ "one cannot have both compassion and innocence." -chalkboard quote
~ go to a library and find people who are busily working in silence. whisper names of reproductive terminology under your breath. "penis... vas deferens... placenta... fallopian tubes... morula... spermatocyte...". pretend you're working intensely on a research paper. see how long it takes before everyone moves.
~ if you're in a dull class and want to pass time, find a girl with a snug shirt on that renders her nipples visible to all. time how long it takes for them to appear and go away. (i'm not ashamed to say that normans 1&2 and i have done this.)
~ when you're at the video store, pick someone to follow around, and note which movies he stops to look at. if he picks up one of those sharon stone soft-porn type of flicks, say "oh, sure, get that since you're not man enough to handle the real thing... (loser)." pretend like you were talking to someone else.
~ find many disturbing photographs of shocking subject matter. go to a busy copy machine and sneak the photos into the machine. watch how people react.
~ when you're walking in your neighborhood and some dogs bark at you, bark right back at them regardless of how many people are around.
~ the next time you're caught shoplifting, scream "you'll regret this when the commies come and take over this establishment! die, capitalist scum!" spray everyone with mace. run like heck.
~ if you work as a host/hostess, instead of asking smoking or non-smoking, ask more personal questions instead. for example: virgin or non-virgin? homosexual or hetero? christian or non-believing blasphemer? mentally stable or looney as a postal worker? seat people accordingly.
- Find a really cool person to help you write a book about Things To Do. One evening out of the blue, call her and engage her in a long conversation. BE BORING. No matter how hard she tries to make the conversation polite & interesting, KEEP KILLING IT. See if her opinion of you changes. (Note: John did this to Julie. Her opinion of him did not change. Lucky for John.)
- If you are ever in a really cold room, up and shout, "Damn! It's so cold in here, my nutsack is shrinking!" This is also funny when a girl does it, too! (Note: Kerrick did this. Everyone in the class except the teacher heard him.)
- When you're talking to someone and you're both alone, occasionally mutter "Shut up!" or "Be quiet!" Assure the other person you not talking to him/her. Look around a lot.
- Next time you're at a restaurant with friends, palm a ketchup pack. Make a tunnel of your fist, hiding the pack. Put your hand up to your eye and announce, "Wanna see a neat trick?" Take a fork and pretend to slowly work it into your eyeball (everyone's attention will be rapt to see a nut screwing with a fork near his eye). Be convincing. Hold your breath a few times, whisper an occasional "ouch". Say things like "My uncle taught me this... you can wedge it against your eyelid without even feeling it..." When people start saying things like, "My God, is he really putting a fork in his eye?" suddenly scream at the top of your lungs and poke the ketchup pack while squeezing it. This REALLY scares people for a split second, and will usually elicit nice shrieks from any girls present. Don't actually poke out your eye, unless, of course, you want to be a REAL man.
- Here's some more variations on Julie's "Banana Ploy": 1) Each time someone says the magic word, pelt him/her with a marble. WARNING: Potential Getting-Ass-Kicked Ratio of this one is high. 2) When the magic word is spoken, faint. For exactly 1 minute. Be convincing, as if you've suddenly had a debilitating aneurysm.
- Hum. Loudly. All the time.
- Never ever EVER pass up a chance to break glass. Ever.
- Waste
lots
of
space.
This
is
easy
to
do.
KURT COBAIN OF NIRVANA WROTE COOL SONGS AND WAS ALTERNATIVE AND WAS COOL, MAN. Never pass up a chance to agitate a friend and co-author a bit. Especially if it'll get you slapped.
- (By Paul) Every time you see some stupid bitch with triple-digit-cost shoes, "accidentally" step in dog shit & step on their toe.
- (By Paul) When someone tells you to tuck in your shirt, stick your hand down the front of your pants, look strangely at them, and walk away (back of pants is better!).
- (By Paul) When you see those sorry-ass questions that they always put on worksheets, you know, the ones with Question 1, then the question has four fucking parts (A,B,C,D) accidentally leave one or all of the answers off. These questions are a lame attempt to make us think we're doing less work.
- Find a girl you hate. Come up behind her, dump a glass of water on her, and say "Happy Birthday! Flush!" Works better with girls cuz they hate getting wet more. Nava, one day, plans to do this to Shanelle. John will laugh.
- Bring a radio, VCR, or PC out into your backyard. Put your device in front of a tree. Say "Nature, this is Technology. Technology, meet Nature. I'll let you two get aquainted." Leave them alone together for about 30 minutes. Usually the conversation will be somewhat restrained.
- Imagine your pencils are alive. Name them. Talk to them. Feed them. When one is too short to use, hold a funeral for it and invite your friends. When one breaks while you're writing with it, yell at it ("How DARE you, you insolent son of a BITCH!!"). Sharpen it down to a nub, still yelling furiously ("Stop SCREAMING, goddammit!"). When that's finished, drop the pencil stub with a shriek of horror. Apologize frantically to it ("Oh, god, Frank, I didn't MEAN to do it! You MADE me do it!"). Cry. Do this in school! Meet the counselor!
- Listen to ska and ska ONLY. This, of course, makes you better than everyone else. Become a superhero named Rude Boy. Pick a fight with a whole bunch of skinheads or jocks. C'mon, you can take 'em, Rude Boy!
- Get a watermelon. Wrap it in scotch tape. Shoot it a few times with a .22. Now kick it with all your might. Fun,huh? Now, do this to Rush Limbaugh.
head like a sieve mind like a trap
eyes like a camera
face like a map
Death is fun! Click Mr. Happy Skull to go forth!
No, Death sucks! Click on Mr. Angry Skull to digress!
