Signal to Noise;
or, El banquete
de los bobos
 

by Maria Dorantes

 

(part of the Paint by Numbers Challenge started by Ms. Gillian Lahti)

Rated R for language and adult situations

Spoilers:  Up to "Pool."  Mid-third season US

Disclaimer:  The Pretender, it's characters, dialogue, and situations belong to FOX and TNT.  No infringement of copyright is intended.  This work of fiction is solely for entertainment purposes.

Author's note:  The scene is a glimpse of what our five dinner guests might be thinking during the family gathering in "Pool."
 

For Gilly
 
 
 

"Family... and friend, Brigitte and I have set our wedding date... this weekend"

The horror!  The horror of all horrors!  Eeeeeeeee. I have to stop this.  She will not replace my mother.  And she certainly will not replace me.  I have to do something.  Soon.  Now.

"Outstanding!"

This wedding fiasco is going according to plan.  The Triumvirate and my other enemies at the Centre don't know what to make of it.  They'll be too busy cher-chez-ing la femme to know what I am really up to.  The Viagra bit was a work of art.  No one is as sharp as this old devil.  I wonder sometimes if these so-called children of mine have any clue of what is going on.  No, impossible.  That's why I am the alpha male.

"Congratulations!"

If I continue grinning, perhaps they won't see through me.  I hope she hasn't told him about .  She was a lousy lay anyway.  All tease and no substance.  Teen-age whores in Thailand are better equipped to please a man.  Then, again, I'm sure he won't notice her lack of technique (to say the least).  It probably has been years... Maybe since "mommy dearest" died.

"Thank you."

This dinner can't get any more boring, I think it's time I cause some mischief.... Slowly, surely, quietly... Got you!  Poor Booby is looking a bit scared.  Hehehe.  Gets him every time... Been there, done all I could with that... but I have my sights on another fantasy.

"Daddy, why are you rushing into this?"

To appease my anger, I picture a scene in SL-27.  Lollypopping bimbo is strapped to the table, Raines working her over.  No, no, no, I am not that cruel and I have a feeling that she would enjoy that.  Maybe she already has.  Thumbelina told me he slept with her; and I'm sure she has worked her way up the corporate structure one bed at a time.  How can Daddy even think about touching her!  What is wrong with him?  I see her staring at me from the corner of my eyes.  Glaring is more like it.

"Well, it's because we are in love."

The "family" is taking this well... as well as expected.  Lyle's grinning is a bit exaggerated.  I think he's afraid I might find out he slept with my soon to be wife.  And he looks like he's about to jump up from his chair... I have a feeling Brigitte is up to no good.

"Times goes very quickly, mustn't waste a minute of it!"

What, is she trying to get us killed? Ironically, this is how our "affair" got started.  We were at a board meeting and suddenly I felt a foot attempting to get into my pants.  I was initially frightened; but as soon as I figured it was her, and NOT anyone else at that meeting, I relaxed.  After the meeting, we did it in my office.  I have plenty of duct tape ready for such occasions.  She seemed to enjoy the bondage.  I personally liked the removal.  Her squeals were muffled by the strap on her mouth; which was removed much... later.

"A toast!"

As I grab my wine glass, I manage to steal another glance at the other couple.  Raines wants me to keep a close watch on these two.  I'll do my best; and with pleasure.  I owe most of my success to my former mentor.

"To the happy couple!"

I can't stop thinking about the tub incident, I walked in on!  Years of therapy won't cure that.  If that K-mart leopard shirt-wearing tramp thinks she'll become his Angel, she has something coming.  Something hard, fast, and from behind.  And preferably lead coated.

"Cheers."

He might be a moron, but he's delectable.  I would love to taste that chest of his.  My dearest (steppie) child would probably have a fit if she saw me fingering him.  She never learnt to share... perhaps I should teach her a lesson by borrowing her Ken doll.  All the more naughty if she finds out about it.  I can even tolerate the lumberjack look.  Today, though, the monkey has been dressed by his inexperienced master.  The black turtleneck is very nice.

"Ah..."

She's staring at Thomas.  Probably trying to show me the contempt she feels for him.  Icily, I raise my glass, gently fingering the cold crystal.  It's a glass stake I can drown my soul with.  The wine washes the unhappiness deeper into my stomach.  This is not good for my ulcer, I know.  But the pain it causes inside me is welcoming.  It numbs my senses.  If I feel physical pain, I don't have to worry about my emotions.  Is this what Angelo craves when he hits his head against the walls at the Centre?... The phone.  It better be that cyber-idiot with a progress report.

"Excuse me."

Uhm... perhaps the hammer-carrying moron can help me apply my Herbal Essences Shampoo.  That way he can find out what my real hair color is... Yum...  I wish it wasn't Lyle's leg I was stimulating right now...  Especially since Miss Parker seems a bit preoccupied with her phone call... poor little steppie.  Hehehe.

"Will you be coming to the wedding, Thomas?"

The woman is a nymphomaniac... trying to get it on with all the men at this table.   But I don't mind it at all.  There is plenty of her to go around, as long as she comes to papa when she is needed.  Since her cliché exotic tastes are so overdone, if someone gets her off my back for awhile, it's all good.  Sex with her is out of a porn flick.  All we need is the musical background.  I am a bit tired of her Herbal Essences Shampoo line and those silly, silk pink boxers she got me!  The dog should learn new tricks.

"No, I have to work this weekend.  What is keeping Parker?  She works too hard."

Thanks to Broots, now I have something over this bimbo.  I need to act.  Before it's too late.  I have to protect Daddy.  I am his Angel.

"She's a Parker.  My daughter is very committed to our work."

First rule of survival is to always be aware of the situation.  Take this one for example.  Lyle is recalling all his sexual escapades, trying to prove he's not missing another appendage.  Angel is plotting to stop my wedding; but she won't.  She's too weak for that.  Even with the information Broots just gave her, she won't contradict me.  She is my most reliable asset.  I only have to say, "jump, Angel!," and she'll follow.  My dearest wife to be is trying to drive Lyle into a faux pas, while having a wet dream about the carpenter.  Good luck, honey.  And that carpenter is probably just attempting to construct a signal amidst all the noise he is receiving.

"Come on, Angel.  Time for charades!"

I like Parker's family. They are a bit odd, but they seem nice.  But I don't care much for this fancy dinner and wine.  No, I'm more of a hot chocolate kinda of guy.  Can't wait until we are alone so I can make some.  I don't know why she was so worried about tonight.  Everyone is having a nice time.

"You start."

The End