Room 101 - The $250,000 Fort Boyard!

I've been told from someone fairly important that there's an American version planned that's actually going to be true to the show, not like Capture Fort Boyard from 10 years ago. This is definitely a good thing. After all, America has the cash in order to be able to do a decent version - it should be good!

And then: I woke up and noticed that it probably won't be that good after all. Here are some reasons why:

1) People in America like Wheel of Fortune
It's sad but true. Wheel of Fortune is America's favourite gameshow. It's also rubbish and boring which hardly pushes the boundries of television, does it? No it does not. The point I'm trying to make is that there are literally very few action-adventure gameshows in America and I'm not counting Gladiators because their version, compared to others I've seen, is a little bit rubbish actually. And if all American shows are quizzes, how are they going to find this?

2) They'll get Alex Trebek to host it. WITH! Vanna White
I'm having trouble imagining an American action-adventure host in the same style of, say, Leslie Grantham, Richard O Brien or even Patrice Laffont. They need to be able to be active, be witty, chatty and not be afraid of mocking the team and adding to the experience for the viewer AND the players there. Failing that however, it will be Alex Trebek, Bob Eubanks or Monty Hall, because you know, it always is. Go on, be imaginative, I dare you.

And the co-host has an even tougher job because they are permenantly on screen. She needs to have a personality, be articulate and genuinely be able to be on the contestants side. If they are witty and funny that's a huge bonus. Look at Cendrine Dominguez or Melinda Messenger whom I am told by contestants is very nice and completely genuine. She used to be a management executive y'know, and I'm not just saying this because I've got a personally signed photograph of her, either.

'Attitude' is not the way forward either. Neither is Gangsta Rap.

3) They'll have an announcer who will say "and here's your host, Allllleeeeexxxxx Trebek!"
Ooh, atmosphere makes ashow like this and FB rolls in it. It's never had an announcer but I'm sure they'll be able to fit one in somewhere. Yeah, that will REALLY add to the atmosphere, and not, for example, ruin it in any way.

4) The Father Fouras character will be played by Will Smith.
For God's sake no. The Father Fouras character is important because depending on which programme you watch he is either central to the myth or at least important enough to the only other character to talk. An old person would be good (and not an old gameshow host, either) and of course they must be able to act. So, that's Will Smith out of the question, then (collapses with laughter).

5) Other characters will be renamed
OK then, Father Fouras changes to The Old Professor. OK, the mythology changes. Passe-Partpout and Passe-Temps change to Jacques and Jules, OK then, fair enough they're known as different things in each country anyway and work quite well because Leslie Grantham seems to act as a London Mafia style bloke. However, what will they name them in America? 'Everywhere' and 'All the time'? 'Alain' and 'Andre'? No, it will be 'Jimbob' and 'Pete'. Mark my words.

6) Fort Boyard is a dark programme
Yes, it is and I'm sure many people won't like that, especially if their favourite show is Wheel of Fortune. The atmosphere is dark. The humour is very dark. It's vaguely witty. It's not exactly depressing, but how can a show that gets people to confront their fears be a nice show? It can't, and neither should it try to be. After all, where's the adventure if there is nothing to be scared of? And it uses it's darkness to move the sense of adventure along, which it does nicely. It is also subtle like this. Yes, I've seen Knights and Warriors and what this doesn't involve is lots of loud brutes trying to be amusing. The humour is subtle. C'mon, if The Simpsons can get high ratings and is clever and funny, why can't this? Because I'm sure 'bigger' and 'louder' are on somebodies mind.

7) It will be sponsored by McDonalds
Yes! Maccy Ds sponsors Effey B! Piss off.

8) They'll win thousands of Boyard's worth of cash AND PRIZES!
No no no no NO! The legend has it that if people conquer the Fort they can have as much gold as they can carry out with them. That gold is then weighed on screen and hopefully converted into cash on screen. There are no electrical consumer durables on Fort Boyard. Or lifetime's supply of jelly beans from 'Jelly Belly'. There is gold. And that's it.

9) Teams actually lose
Yes! Shockingly some teams do actually lose which means you can sit through 60-90 minutes and very little prize as a result. And the show gets away with it as well, because it's interesting to watch. There is no consolation prize for losing (well, a small amount of cash), nor are there any parting gifts. You should have been better.

10) They'll rename it 'The $250,000 Fort Boyard!' WITH! an exclamation mark
American shows have a habit of taking a format from another country, changing the rules, style and the title so as to attract the American audience and then bugger up completely. Look at, for example, Capture Fort Boyard. And the habit of changing the title irritates me intensely too. sorry.

I, more than anybody want to see an American version succeed, but only if they can remain true to the show which has done rather well for itself over the last ten years. However, on the basis of other American shows I have seen it is going to be potentially terrible. And whatsmore, they WILL do the above, you just know it.

If anyone wants to comment on this, please feel free, I'd love to hear your opinion.