Too Much Thinking
Date: 29th August 1997
Time: 13:30pm
So its Friday! Crazy as it seems, I actually learnt alot about myself this week. I found that there are many personal issues still to deal with, wounds supposedly healed by the luxury of time, yet not really absolutley resolved. When people jibe me, I forgive and forget (even if they don't apologize, after all people who like each other don't deliberately set out to hurt one another, do they), and all is well, but when I do something stupid, or am just plain naive, I find it SO difficult to forgive myself! Then I question myself, "Am I a forgiving person?" I asked hubby that this evening, and he said I was ("otherwise I wouldn't be here" he said in a meekish voice), but when someone loves you, they often neglect to see the bad side to one's persona.
I still find my self fighting with my inner demons (Yes, I have them too!), whether I should open up to certain persons. Some people I open up to, then feel sorry for doing so. Other people whom I know I should open up to (i.e. family members), I don't, for fear of causing them grief or burdening them with my isssues.
It's never my honesty that is in question, but the fear and insecurity of being exposed, as if inviting all to come to have a field day with my emotions and my mind. Am I really that fragile? Despite all, I am a private person (says me, who has an online journal!).
Okay, so now you know I had a rather difficult day. You don't have to be working to have a difficult day! I am not on the dole, so I am not wasting anyones hard earnt (tax) money, but I am concerned for my financial status (isn't everyone?). This is just one issue, by all means a 'bread and butter' type issue, but important nonetheless.
I remember as a teenager, wondering whether people tried to commit SUICIDE for purely selfish reasons. I think that when your hormones are on a extended rollercoaster ride, one can very well understand why one would contemplate suicide. I remember one evening my friend calling me from a telephone box just before I went out that night to a party, she was crying and telling me that she was going to commit suicide, then she said "my brother's coming, but I'm not going back home with him", and hung up. I immediately got my dad to drive me around to every telephone box in the area, looking for her, but we ended up finding her at home. I felt so 'Mother Hen' like. She had a difficult childhood and we often would discuss her problems and how she could solve them.
My friends envied me because my parents were so good. I remember them telling me this, but when you're a teenager it's hard to appreciate the things your parents do for you, like feed, clothe and shelter you. Truthfully, I probably took most of it for granted. My excuse was - ' Afterall, with the good there is also bad' and 'they only saw what they wanted to see'. However, they didn't see the possesive, controlling side which I lived with constantly. At that age that was the way I viewed it. I questioned whether my parents trusted me, because my dad would take me and pick me up from parties. I was never embarrassed by my parents antics (okay sometimes I was, when he'd come to the door and scream "has anyone seen my daughter? Her charriot awaits!"), but sometimes I just wanted my freedom, my personal space. I never had personal space, never a moment to myself, there was always someone who I needed to spend or share my time with. When you're a teenager this can get pretty difficult, but now I see it has shaped me into what I am today. I know that I am still very naive, despite what I have seen (i.e. in hospitals etc..), but like they say Ignorance is bliss, and I need that bliss! My parents did what they thought best. Looking back, I know that had the shoe been on the other foot, I would have much prefered overpossesive parents to impartial ones. So yes, I was lucky and still am, to have them despite faults and all (faults which we all have).
Sometimes, it's hard to let people know when you need help. Then you get frustrated and
even more distraught. I will go into this another time, as now my head is in overload.
Till next time....
Soosh
P.s. My sister sent me some coloured shoelaces in the mail. I love coloured shoelaces..These
ones have hearts in all different coulours. I need to replace my old ones (rainbows) shortly so this
came in good time. Everyone has a vice, mine is coloured shoelaces!..
P.p.s. My grandma is on the mend, for all you sweet people who asked!
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