In the beginning as relationships are formed, we give small amounts of trust to the person, or persons we are involved with. This goes for each type of relationship encountered whether it be a new born and its parents, a friendship, or a possible significant other. Unlike other relationships though, the "child /parent" relationship has more intensly unique qualities. The focus of which is the trust a child willingly gives to others, older than them in the naive notion that the other person will keep them safe from all harm.
In most cases, there is no real need for alarm. Most adults, parents or otherwise will out of some subconscience nature shelter children from obvious harm. But for some children, life is not as it should be. It is overshadowed by clouds and dark looming skies that can be more evident, or more subdued dependant upon the mood swing of another. This "other" person, can be silently calculating while at the same time be deceivably unnoticed by another adult. The child always looks for the good in the adult, the person in authority, but the sun never really seems to peek out for more than a few seconds at a stretch. Like a storm brewing from the hills, the most cold and calluos of authority figures, can manipulate and mentally deceive everyone in its path. You can be made to believe you are quite safe far from any danger, when in reality, it maybe rearing its ugly head within heartbeats of your mind. It will seduce you into believing in its innocents, then come upon you when you least expect it. This is how my storm began.
From the innocence of that eleven year old child, to the ripe old age of twenty-seven, My storm raged through out every daily activity and every nights sleep. Through out those tender years, when true relationships are formed, I was looking for shelter from the storm, and its surrounding darkening skies. Although I grew in body, the mind and spirit were with the eleven year old child trying to find a reason, a cause, a cure. At an age where most people are considered well into adulthood, I was still a mere child, with the same hopes and dreams looking for that sanctuary of peace. Underlying all of my thoughts, the clouds loomed by, waiting for some sign from the authority to react and reek havock over my already failed life.
In the real world around me, life did go on. I grew, I matured, I graduated high school, and started to work full time. I had what I thought at the time, to be love "relationships" hoping that my knight in shining armor would one day appear. The clouds still persisted and darkened my world, even though I did my best never to be alone with the monster in my home. In a naive way, I somehow thought that over time, the monster would disappear, maybe by my wishful thoughts, or by some miracle of chance, that I would escape its awful clutches. The reality of this thought is that I really would never be rid of the monsters rath, as he already had invaded my inner being. In a childs world, the trust is destroyed, when the unconditional love becomes conditional upon the wretched will of an adult in an abusive situation. In Tricia's storm, no adult comes to save the child within. The trust this child imbellished upon the adult is even further destroyed, by the mistrust of the other adults around her, who chastise her for such stories, and lies. So the storm revels around her enviroment in a thunderous roar, undaughting, and laughing at the inner child's obvious failure to communicate her plight to another , in an adult world.
Even still, as the storm is ever present, some hope still lingures as the inner child tries to find some form of peace. There are some happy moments, but always overshadowed by the looming clouds above. As I grew older, escape became more important, and I thought the monster could not follow me. I was again, naive and incorrect, but still I pressed forward. I moved out and vowed never to return, only to break my inward promise to myself. With a failed marriage, and loneliness settling in, I went back, believing it would be different this time, since I was an adult, myself. Alas, the monster waited, lurking in the shadows, and crept back into his authoritive role, while I allowed him to intrude and become part of my adult world. Although the monster continued to manipulate the child within, the adult finally was able to communicate with other adults on a level that both understood. Again, my escape was immediate, within days, and the monster knew his secret was out. He bellowed, and demanded, and while he still commanded authority, and his hold was strong, he knew my escape was imminent. Again he laid back, snickering a sneer, licking his wounded pride, knowing I would never be truly rid of him.
Throughout the next few years, I didn't see the monster and started to feel the safety of freedom. I began a relationship with a man that I thought I would one day marry. We had two children, and lived together for four years. During this time, although the monster was not around, his rath on my mental esteem, had taken its toll. The relationship that I thought was my knight in white was really an angry person, obligated by children to stay, but always wanting to be somewhere else. I finally got up enough nerve to leave him, while he laughed at me like the monster had, and I went on my way, with two children in tow. Six months and many hard times later, my esteem, though fragmented was still at a point where I swore off any man around me. About that same time, I met another man, whom I dated, but refused to be seriously involved with, as far as he knew, anyway. I just couldn't allow the same problems that evolved with my last Knight to evolve again. Slowly, that man worked his way into my life, breaking down the walls I had built in his way. We moved in together with plans that in a matter of two years, we were to be married. I felt the safety of my freedom from the monster, and was so envolved with my marriage plans, that I did not realize the freedom I was enjoying was to be intruded upon again, when through family pressures, I accepted a job with the monster as my boss. As I had stated previously, this person had a way of manipulating everyone and everything within his path, and did so, without your knowledge. As it started out, the monster was very understanding and supportive with my role in his workplace. Through the next few weeks, he acted and behaved as a "normal" human being. Unfortunately, that was an act that changed quickly as the weeks went by, and he began to drink between breaks at work which brought back the very monster I had been trying to avoid all those years. I could feel those clouds which had hovered above me, gray and dreary, moving in closer, thunderous roars rolling around me every so often reminding me that I was not safe, however far I was from the monster.
In his drone, authoritive, and manipulative way, he managed again to appear as one when in reality, he was another. He took on the role of Jekyll and Hyde, using them when needed to shelter himself from being exposed by anyone who might witness the monster. I kept myself fenced in, as it were, sheltering myself with anyone who would share a few moments in my office, so I wouldn't be alone for very long with him. I would make excuses, and divert his attention to other things as often as possible. He once told me that once I was married, I would be off limits. So, I prayed for that day to come quickly. The monster lied and wormed his way through my inner being again, this time taking part of the adult that had grown without him around. He was the storm that kept vigil through all the days I worked there. It was a very good job, and I had made many friends, and contacts. I often tried to locate another job, that would give me the same satisfaction and reputation that I enjoyed in my present job, but I could never seem to bring myself to tell the monster that I was leaving.
After my marriage to my husband, I thought the nightmare and darkening skies would lighten up, that I would final be rid of the monster once and for all. The monster stayed away for about a year while I wallowed in a false sense of security, seeing brighter skies, with clear nights, and Beautiful Stars. Again, the monster brought back his shadowy clouds, roaring thunder, and dark skies. I had to find a way to finally be rid of the monster, without causing any harm to myself, or my husband. Due to some legal circumstances, I was , I thought , rid of the monster when his entire buisness was shut down. I was so relieved that I would never have to look at him again, only to find that he expected to run his business and what paperwork and filing needed to be done out of his home. I did work for a while with this man, in his home, but alway managed to fight off what ever intentions he had. In one momentous day, I finally told him that I was not coming back, that I had found another job with a rivial company that required there be no contact with him, or I would be fired. That one glorous day, gave me my world back, rid of the darkness, the clouds, and all the thunder and gray I had seen for so long. I was finally happy. I was finally safe.
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