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Belonging
In and out and up and down and back and forth and lost and found. You don’t know where you’re going or where you’ve been when all you can see is the spinning lies that keep you dreaming that some day you can believe in something even while you know that they are nothing but lies and that you will never find the truth if you keep on following them, yet you can’t make yourself turn away from what feels right, though you know it can’t be since it’s all a dream from a world that isn’t real. Imagining what it would be like if you knew where you were meant to be going and what you were meant to be doing you find that nothing seems so certain that you can feel truly safe believing anything but the fact that you can’t believe anything until you know what you can never know. Feeling like nothing so much as a yo-yo you wonder if it would be better to continue to be wound up that tightly and then flung out at high speeds just to be reeled in again, or if you should just end it all, even if that means losing everything that ever mattered and finishing out a sorry waste of an existence alone with nothing at all that could ever make it better. Drifting through the memories of something that never was you can’t find where you started to dream and the worlds meld into one another and you can’t find your way home because you don’t know where home is anymore and you have no way to find something that never existed in the first place. You can’t find your way to belonging someplace when you never fit in and were never meant to be in this form of reality. There is no way to belong when there is nothing to belong to; no one to care, to take care of you, to wipe away tears and banish fears and make it all okay, and nothing can fix something you can’t prove is broken. When it’s all inside and no one can see that there is nothing left but scattered remnants of something you could never share because no one could ever be close enough to understand that you are not what you seem and that nothing can change who you are, even while you are never the same from one moment to the next. Nothing changes in a world that never existed to you; it can’t, so you just keep on moving backward through your pain until the time you can make it all go away.
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