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Traitor
Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do you can’t win. Nothing makes sense anymore because nothing is true. You cry tears that should never have been seen but when you do you don’t know that you cry in full view of the world. You break a trust that you hold more dear than anything you have ever known, because you don’t know what else to do, and you lose everything. Common sense has flown away with the dreams of a happy ending. Fairy tales are for children and happily ever after is no longer a dream you can allow yourself. You close yourself off from everything because you know that none of it matters anymore. Nothing can when you know that you’ve done wrong by that which you hold most precious in this sorry excuse for an existence. Words can’t fix it, actions can’t fix it, and time keeps moving on while you stand still in the middle of it and try to find a way to move backwards and take it all back. One moment of weakness in a life of being strong costs you everything. One moment of failure costs you a lifetime of work and all you want to do is end it because you can’t go back and change what you didn’t know you did. Words come out that you didn’t know you had thought let alone said and nothing can make them go back inside and have never come out. Nothing can change the fact that you screwed up and ruined the only thing you had worth holding on to. So you run from your fears of rejection even while you know that if you don’t face them you’ll never know what may be possible. No one can make you feel that it’s okay to be afraid, because you know that it’s all your fault. You lost the only chance you had to make things right and nothing can give it back. Pain and fear flood your life, but you know it’s nothing that you don’t deserve. You aren’t worth the effort of making it better because you know you can’t and once you fuck up once it’s over. There’s no going back. You know that you deserve whatever you get, even while you fear what that might be. You lie awake because your thoughts won’t go away, and they haunt you with the knowledge that you aren’t worthy of a friend if you can’t lie for them. If you can’t keep their pain from the world you aren’t worthy of knowing what they were once willing to share... Traitors don’t deserve a second chance.
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