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Understanding
Clouded vision and lost dreams hide from you the truth of your lies as you run from a world that refuses to grant you the hope of true feeling and you turn to ash blowing away in the wind. Light a candle and feel your pain as it burns you away into nothing even while you try desperately to hold onto something solid in a world of insubstantial illusions. Hollow dreams and desperate lies unveil the truth of the reality you choose to continue to flow through as you turn inside out and backwards trying to see through that which is already transparent behind the mask you wear to keep your fear locked inside. You face a vision of hope and despair both so intermingled you know they are one single feeling sent to dominate all you have ever known. Life and death converge into a dormant state of unfeeling existence and you long for any excuse to give all you have, for the chance to feel something other than the emptiness that has been the central focus of what you believe to be a life but is truly only an illusion. Death is a welcome messenger come knocking on your mind but you send it away knowing that to leave simply for want of being done with this life is a selfish excuse to leave and your fear of what may await you allows you to give in to that tiny corner of your being that claims it isn’t time and that you must wait until leaving might accomplish something good other than ridding the world of your existence. Knowledge comes slow and understanding of that knowledge even slower. Time is not really time at all. You allow it to pass you by simply because it keeps the understanding of that which you fear the most at bay by not allowing you to remain in the same moment you found it to analyze why you know it is there. Without your fear you have nothing to drive you because your dreams are so far out of reach you’ve convinced yourself that you will never fly that high. You believe that pity holds back the threat of being alone for without it you have nothing to bring companionship from those around you, so you forbid yourself from reaching for the stars, drawing that pity around you like a security blanket, wrapping it tight around your soul until you know no way to get out and you smother in your cocoon of barely contained self loathing. But even through your realization of that which drives you you know that understanding has barely begun.
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