essay

My search for weight loss began in early adolescence. Although I was always bigger than other kids my age, during middle school my obesity began to have a major negative effect on my life. I began to view myself as fat and ugly. The fact that my mother was “normal” size and my father was absent only made matters worse. My Mother did not know how to handle my obesity and it seemed to me that at times she was embarrassed by it. She put me on restrictive diets and signed me up for every team sport available…even if I was not interested. On rare occasion, out of frustration, she called me derogatory names that pertained to my weight. Over the years I saw my mother obsess over her own weight and go to great lengths to stay thin. Her obsession made me feel insecure because I knew I was not living up to her expectations. On a brighter note, my mother went out of her way to make our home happy and overall I had a wonderful relationship with her that has grown even closer to this day.

Moving into young adulthood, I continued trying one diet after another without lasting results. Although I was plagued by insecurities I was able to lead a fairly normal life. I met a wonderful man in 1990 and married him in 1994. To my horror I rapidly began gaining weight. I went from 220 pounds on my wedding day to 300 pounds in less than two years. Thankfully my husband has stood by me and loves me for me, not what I look like! As great as my husband has been, my obesity has still had a negative impact on our marriage. I tire easily, I snore horribly and at times I just don’t feel attractive.

After being married a while my husband and I began trying without luck to get pregnant. Eventually my OBGYN determined that we might never be able to conceive because I was not menstruating due to my obesity. After a yearlong thyroid study came out negative for hypothyroid, her recommendation was to lose weight. I felt angry because that always seemed to be the answer. In this case, however, she was right. I was able to lose 70 pounds and gave birth to a healthy baby girl on September 1, 1999. The pregnancy was not without its difficulties. I had hypertension, edema, and carpel tunnel syndrome and was put on bed rest at the end of my second trimester. At one appointment, late in my pregnancy, my Nurse Practitioner told me, as I lay naked from the waist down on the examining table, that I would not be having so many problems if I weren’t so big. I was humiliated. As much as I wanted more children, I decided then and there that if I could not get to a healthier weight I would not go through this experience again.

After the initial post-pregnancy weight loss I began inching back up the scale again. I began feeling the stress of the extra weight. At this point I cannot go up a flight of stairs without being winded, my feet, ankles, knees and back hurt, my hands go numb and ache with normal use and I get tired very easily. I find it hard to keep up with my daughter and impossible to keep my house clean because I get exhausted! You would think that chasing after a one year old would help me lose weight but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I am currently 35 pounds away from my all time highest weight and getting closer to it every day.

Self worth. This term, loosely defined, means how a person feels about himself, the value you place in your own being. I wonder why it is that how others view us has such great impact on how we view ourselves. Over the years I have felt the sting of prejudice, not of my color, but of my size. Sadly it seems that this prejudice permeates every class of people; Parents, children, doctors, employers, the rich and the poor to name a few. I remember being the last one picked for sports in school, being too embarrassed to try out for cheerleading, being asked in the third grade by my friends to raise my shirt and jump up and down because they wanted to see if I was too fat to be in the talent show with them. I recall my own mother telling me when I was 8 years old that I was too chubby and that was why I didn’t have very many friends. I will never forget the time my boss told me during a review that he was impressed that I dressed so well and took pride in my appearance even though I was a large woman. None of these events will ever be forgotten. At one time these very events made me cry, now they spur me on towards victory, victory over obesity.

The reasons that I want to have Gastric Bypass surgery are both physical and emotional in nature. My ultimate goal is to lose weight and be healthy. While the odds of 1 in 200 dying during this surgery make me nervous, I have come to the conclusion that Gastric Bypass is the best tool I can use to help me achieve my weight loss goals. Although I am not looking forward to the pain following surgery, I can’t wait to have energy again, to not have so many aches and pains and to feel attractive when my husband looks my way. I look forward to the day when I meet someone for the first time and instead of hearing, “You have a pretty face”, I’ll hear, “You are pretty.”

Amber DelHotal
October 18, 2000