|September 29, 2004
Sorry it has taken me so long to get this started. I guess the best place to start is to give you a little background on me. Up until about three years ago, I had always been with "males". I always wondered what it would be like to be with a female. When I met Devon on pogo.com I was married but not happy. I was suicidial and very depressed. I had told my husband that I was unhappy and that things had to change but he either didn't care or just didn't understand why I was so unhappy. I when I met Devon I had already decided that it was time to get out of the marriage. I knew that my family would not be to happy about it and I kept thinking about all of the disappointment I would cause everybody else but I had to make myself happy or I would not have lived to see my 26th birthday. I talked Devon into coming to Iowa from California for a two week visit that ended up being a two year visit. After he arrived I was so happy and loved to wake up everyday.
I knew when he came to Iowa I had to tell my family that I was with a female. Most of my family took it better than I ever imagined. I only had one family member that was very upset and not very accepting. I was told that it was against her beliefs and that I could not bring Devon around her or her children. I have tried many times to get her to accept it and understand but she won't. I still talk to her and love her and her children but sometimes it is really hard because when good things happen in Devon and my life I want to share it with her and she really doesn't want to hear about it because of Devon.
As I am sure you read about a year ago Devon told me that "she" was not really a she by mind and soul. At first I was really confused and scared. I mean here I am totally in love with a female and she isn't a she. Tell me that isn't confusing. We talked about it for days and weeks before I really started to understand how he felt. I think I am finally understanding after a year of talking and researching.
Our relationship is so strong that we have been able to talk about everything. As with most "normal" couples we have our disagreements and fights but we always talk them out. Somedays it is so hard for me to understand what he is trying to explain to me about being FTM. A good example is when we go out in public. As I see it, sometimes he doesn't want to go because of the way society looks at him. He will not use a public bathroom because if he goes into the female bathroom people look and stare and if he goes into the males bathroom they look and stare, so which one should he go to. To some people he looks male and they call him "sir" others see him as female and call him "ma`am" it is so damn confusing. I still have a very hard time using male pronouns to refer to him. It is much easier when I am typing or writing but when I am speaking it is very hard and I always forget. And yes we have had "discussions" about it. When he first came out to me about this I thought it was going to change our relationship and that everything was going to be so different. For the most part everything has stayed the same. My BIGGEST worry is when we get the money for him to begin taking T* (Testosterone) . I am afraid of what kind of changes the T* will make. I have this weird idea that when he starts T* all of his feelings and emotions are going to change. I worry that he will want someone else and that he won't love me anymore. We have talked about that and I have basically accepted that it is only his body and voice that will change. It won't change his heart and feelings towards me. I just know that I would and will do anything and everything to make him as happy as he has made me.
I hope that this helps you understand a little about my worries and wonders. I know that Devon has so many wonderful links on this site that can help you as they have me. I am willing to answer any questions you may have. Don't be afraid to email me and ask, I will reply. If you have anything specific you would like me to talk about in my journal please let me know. I will be posting more soon as more things pop into my head that I want to let the world know about.
|as of 9-29-04|
|January 27, 2005
I have to apologize to everybody for not keeping my journal updated.
Since my last entry there have been a few things happening.
To start with, I was working on trying to use the correct male pronouns when speaking to and about Devon. I thought I was doing relatively well until the holidays. Being around his family I started using the female pronouns and his birth name. His family has not and is not using his chosen name nor male pronouns. Through out all of the family get-togethers and such I was unsure if I should do as his family or continue with the male pronouns. Not wanting to cause problems during the holidays I chose to revert back to female references of Devon. Soon after Devon and I had a talk, which helped me see this whole issue in another light. By me not referring to him as a guy it would only be natural for his family and friends to think he wasnít serious about transitioning. I never thought of it that way. Since our talk I have made many efforts to only refer to him in the proper way.
The only time I donít refer to him correctly is when I talk to my family about him. I have not figured out how to tell them. Right now I am working on an email I can send to everybody, all at once so nobody gets upset that I didnít tell them. I want to be the first one to tell them all. It would be nice if I could just sit down with them and talk face to face but that is rather difficult when there are 2,000 miles between us. I am SO afraid of what they will say and how they will react. I guess in the end it will all work out for the best.
Tonight was a very exciting night for Devon and I. Devon finally found a therapist that would work with him and for a price we could afford. Devon had an hour-long session with him tonight. Steve, Devonís therapist, told him and read him the letter that Devonís medical doctor would be receiving. This letter is extremely important because without it Devonís doctor would not prescribe his T. Ultimately, Steve has provided the key to the next stage of Devonís transition. I have to say THANK YOU STEVE. You have put a smile and happiness in Devonís life that I havenít seen in about 3 years. This is so exciting and scary for me though. Up until now, I never thought we would have neither the money nor resources to get to this point of transition. The scary part is that I donít know if I am ready for all of the changes. I know Devon needs to do this and there is nothing I would do to stand in his way. Change is always scary because it is unknown. I am defiantly up for any challenge that all of these stages, processes, and transitioning will put on my plate.
I will try to update this a lot more often. Thanks for checking out this site and my journal. You all are still welcome to email me at any time.