SEQUEL TO : What It Takes

PAIRING : Buffy/Spike

RATING : NC17

SPOILERS : season 5 of Buffy

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Into the Void” (Nine Inch Nails).

NOTE: an ending you might not like, I’m not giving you anymore hints except ANGST! And I’m sorry!

                I can stare a mirror for hours on end and I don’t recognize the person I see. I don’t know who she is. I don’t know where she came from. One day I was looking at Buffy, cheerleader, prom queen and beloved of Hemery High. The next, I was looking at a bruised and broken woman. When do *I* get to be a child? When is it *my* turn to be saved?

Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.

                I’m running. I can’t stay. I can’t deal. It’s all just too much and I’m so tired of being tired. I’m sick of saving those who don’t know the sacrifices I make for them. I’m sick of saving the stupid people who keep walking outside after dark. Don’t they read the papers? Don’t they notice all the mysterious deaths that happen after dusk? And yet they keep walking.

                I’m exhausted. My body is just weak. I’ve never been anything else.

Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.

                So I’m running. I’m running away from who I am now because I don’t like her. The night after Riley left, I showered and looked in the mirror and I hated what I saw.

Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.

                I have to be free to live how I want to. Talking to myself all the way down to the station. I don’t know where I’ll go. I’m gonna get on the first bus that leaves. Pictures in my head of the final destination all lined up.

                I’m running like all the ones that aren’t allowed to stay. Why should I be punished? Why me? Why was *I* chosen? Why is this *my* life and not someone else’s?

                Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.

                Why am I doomed to be alone? My father left because he couldn’t deal with me. My mother tries, but can’t imagine what it’s like to be me and the harder she tries, the harder it is on me. She thinks she’s helping, but it makes it worse.

                My first Watcher died. I couldn’t save Merrick. I tried, but I couldn’t. I should have. Pike and I broke up a few months after we got together because he couldn’t handle my life. Fundamentally, we were different people.

                We moved here and I tried to date. Owen. Couldn’t work. Frat brothers tried to kill me. Then there was Angel. My dream. He loved me and I loved him, but not enough. He didn’t care enough to let me make decisions. He never saw me as anything but a child, an immature teenager forced to fight evil, his enemy, the forbidden fruit.

                So I protected myself. I tried to save a place from all the cuts and the scratches. Xander is right. I shut down. I couldn’t handle anymore, so I shut myself off. Gods it’s been so cold lately. Riley’s right. He never felt it. I never let him feel my warmth because I don’t know where it is. I don’t have it to give. I tried. I tried to hard to overcome the complications and the catches.

                But I couldn’t. They just keep coming, and the people I want to love keep leaving.

                So what am I left with? A whole where my heart used to beat. Is it even still there?

                I can’t even think about what Spike said. Spike of all people, telling me to do something for myself. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t know what I want. I want to feel. I want someone to look at me and not see the slayer. I want someone to see *me*. I want someone to see who I really am and I wanna look in their eyes and see what they see.

                I want to be a woman. I wanna see someone look at me like I’m the only thing in the world that turns him on. I wanna be a Goddess. I wanna be a queen. I want to lose myself in the feelings of falling in love for the first time.

                Gods, I wanna feel him so deep inside my body and mind that I’m lost.

                I’m stupid to even think I could have something so pure, something so new and exciting. I can never have that. I can’t have anything but pain and sadness.

                Still, a little part of me wants to hold onto the idea that someone could love me so completely, that someone could know who I am when I don’t.

<You’re strong and beautiful. You’re funny, and intelligent. You’re so sexy you don’t even know how much and you’re *so* brave. You’re a mystery to everyone who wants to know you and a puzzle to those you let in. You’re *everything*.>

                His eyes flash before mine, so blue. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them so blue. Spike.

                I’d never thought of him like that, honestly I hadn’t. One vampire was enough to teach me my lesson.

                Still, I can’t forget his eyes.

< You want this person that knows you, and that you can be yourself with. I’M RIGHT HERE! I’VE BEEN HERE! Have I ever made you hide who you are? Have I ever tried to stop you from doing what you want? Have I ever *not* told you the truth?>

                No. He’s always been painfully honest.

<“You’ll find out on Saturday.”

“What happens on Saturday?”

“I *kill* you.”>

                And he tried. He *never* said he didn’t want me dead. He *never* lied about that.

                What I don’t understand is when he started thinking of *me* that way?

<Are you naked under there?>

                Was it farther back than that?

<You’re the slayer. Do somethin’ about it. Hit me. You know you want to. Gimme good Buffy.>

                He tried to kiss me that night. I wasn’t sure about then, but I’m sure about it now. Come to think about it, he always got so close when we were fighting. No vampire ever tried to move in on me that much, they thought it was too dangerous.

                And before that, he grabbed me from behind.

<Lesson the first. A slayer must always reach for her weapon.>

                Funny thing is that I don’t think Spike has ever thought of me as the slayer. Annoying, yes, but it’s like I’m an inconvenience for him. I’m not an obstacle, or some little child that needs protecting. He’s always treated me like an equal.

<Did you let Parker take a poke? What’s the matter? Did you bruise the boy?>

                I remember when he said that. I felt tingles all over my body. It was intense. Spike is intense. Either he’s intent on ripping your lungs out, or intent on getting your attention. When he hates, he hates completely, like with Angel. And when he loves, he loves completely.

< I am everything you want. I am everything you need. I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be.>

                Is that what he was trying to tell me? Is *that* what he wants? Is that what I want?

<I wanna dance.>

                Maybe.

                I want someone to treat me as an equal. Spike does.

                I want someone to want me so bad he can’t think. Spike does.

                I want someone to sacrifice everything for me. Spike has.

                I want someone to desire me. I wanna see myself reflected in his eyes. Spike is me.

                He’s scared, and he’s strong. He’s smart and powerful. He’s a coward and a child and he knows too much.

<Do something for yourself!>

                I slowly turn around and run back. Angel wanted me to have sunlight. But nothing ever grows and the sun doesn’t shine all day.

                I tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.

                I’m not going to let it.

                I head to the crypt but think better of it. In less than an hour, I’m in my room. It will be dawn in less than three hours, I ran for the better part of the day. I had to think.

I turn on my light and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. For once, I feel like I’m looking at someone I can be proud of.                 Rules be damned. Logic be forgotten. All I want to feel is standing outside my window. I walk to it and look down. Sure enough, he’s standing there, smoking.

                He looks up and I say, “I need you.” He throws his cigarette down and I know he’s coming up. I quickly divest my clothes and lay on the bed. I feel alive, for the first time in a long time. I feel sexy and dangerous. I feel wanted.

                He opens the door and sees me, and I feel loved.

                “Come to me.” I whisper. The air tickles my bare skin. My nipples are hard and I can feel the moisture leaking out of my body. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so nervous.

                He doesn’t say anything. He knows I need this. I need him to take me, to make me come. I need to feel him over me and in me. He sheds his duster and is out of the rest of his clothes. In less than two minutes, he’s laying at my side and his fingers tentatively touch my cheeks. I kiss his fingers as they dance over my mouth.

                My heart is racing as I close my eyes and feel his fingers wandering a little lower down, over my jugular. He runs a finger over my collarbone and on my shoulder, down my arm to my fingers. I can feel his length hard against my thigh, throbbing, begging to be inside me, begging to be sheathed within. I want that too.

                I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to be Saint Buffy. I don’t need a name. I can just *be*.

                “Touch me.” I whimper. His fingers start from my collarbone and trail down over one of my breasts. I arch into his touch, and my movement causes me to rub against him. He moans softly and I almost felt his breath on my skin.

                “I want you.” He whispers into my ear before his lips touches my cheek gently.

                I turn to look into his eyes. “Dance with me, Spike.” He moves closer and presses his lips against mine gently at first. The last time our lips met, we were under a spell. I hate to admit it, but I think of that day more than I should.

                His fingers tease the soft skin on the side of my breast, while his other hand is still, holding him up. I want him to touch me. I want to feel his hands cover my body. He is cool next to me, so silent and peaceful. I crave that peace.

                He deepens the kiss and his hands get more daring. His fingers tease the lips of my sex. I gasp into his mouth as he slips a finger inside me, finding my hardening bud. He brushes against it and I have to touch him.

                My body is on fire and I *need* to feel him. I run my hand from his shoulder down to his fingers, like he did to me. I slide them beyond his fingers to his hips and his shaft jerks against my thigh. I need to feel him inside me.

                I turn and push him onto his back. He’s a little surprise, I can tell, but he doesn’t say anything as I guide his cock into my body. I impale myself on him and cry out as I feel complete, for the first time *ever*. The feeling of it is too much and I start to cry. His hands cup my face and pull me into a reassuring kiss. I can’t be still for long, knowing he’s inside me. I start to move, riding him slowly. He gently holds my hips, letting me take what I want, guiding me onto him over and over, stretching myself.

                “I never knew.” I whisper.

                “What’s that, Luv?”

                “That it could feel so *right*.”

                “I know exactly what you mean.” He says, and I believe him. I can’t believe we denied ourselves this for so long. Everything I wanted was right in front of me. And I believe him when he says he won’t leave me. It feels too good here with him.

                He thrusts up into me as I move on him. Suddenly, I find myself under him. He’s on top of me, supporting his weight with his hands. He’s pounding into me, reaching further inside every time. I wrap my legs around his waist and draw him in deeper. I’m so close. He knows it too. He starts moving faster, taking us to the next level. We’ve waited too long, denied ourselves too much.

                “Spike, I love you.” I whisper into his neck.

                “I know. I love you too.” He whispers back.

                I do the only thing that feels natural. I lift my chin up and expose my neck to him. I’m not sure I know why, I just do. I think he knows, because the next thing I know, his fangs have slid into my skin and he’s drinking from me as I scream his name and come, for what feels like, a hundred times. “OH GOD!” I scream as he explodes inside me.

                “HEY!” I hear someone scream from behind. The next thing I feel is the gentle kiss of dust as it lands and covers my bare skin. He’s not above me anymore. He’s not anywhere. He isn’t anything. He’s gone.

                I look up and see Dawn standing over me with a stake in hand. She drops it when she sees my eyes fill with tears. “Oh God, Buffy, I’m sorry. I didn’t know… I thought… I’m sorry…” she runs from the room and slams the door.

                I can’t feel anything.

                Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

~El Fin~