PAIRING : Buffy/Spike

RATING : PG14

SPOILERS : season 5 of Buffy

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Everything You Want” (Veritcal Horizon).

                For whatever reason, I’m standing here, looking up at window that is watching her cry. She hides the pain. She wants it to go away but doesn’t know how to make it stop. She tried to hide it for so long. And I watched because there was nothing else I could do. There’s nothing I can be to her except a remind of him, an enemy.

                And I tried to be. I tried so hard. *Too* hard. I made myself believe it. I made *her* believe it. That’s why no matter what I do, it’ll never be good enough. I can never be him.

                I don’t know what to do now. I stay and watch her hurt herself. I can’t do that. She’s in pain. I can tell. She tries to hide it from everyone, but they don’t know her like I do. They don’t see what I can. They don’t love her as completely as I do.

                Somewhere there’s speaking. It’s already coming in and it’s rising at the back of my mind. I know I shouldn’t listen to the voices that tell me I have a chance. I never could get it, unless I was fed it. And she did. She told me she was beneath me. He told me I couldn’t handle her. So many have told me she’s out of my league.

                But I’m still here, standing below her window and I don’t know why.

                Is it possible to hear someone’s pain? I often wonder beyond the physical sound, if it’s possible. I think I can. Under skinned knees and the skid marks. Past the places she’d rather I not go, she howls and I listen. She’s waiting for the echoes of angels who won’t return. She thinks they can be her saviors. They can’t. They don’t know her. They wouldn’t give their lives to save hers. They wouldn’t sacrifice themselves like I would.

                But it doesn’t matter because I’m not what she wants. He’s everything she wants. He’s everything she needs. He’s everything inside of her that she wishes she could be. He says all the right things, at exactly the right time. But he means nothing to her, and she doesn’t know why.

                I think that’s why she cries. That’s why she hurts. Two have come and gone. The first because he wouldn’t put her needs first. I would. Why can’t she see that? The second left because he couldn’t handle her. I can. *Me.* If she would just give me a bloody chance.

                But she’s waiting for someone to put her together. She’s waiting for someone to push her away. And whenever she gets close, there’s always another wound to discover. There’s always something more she wishes he’d say. But he won’t because he can’t be what she needs. *I* can.

                I sit for a while, under her window, always under her window. Hoping that she’ll open it up and invite me into her. Gods, how I could love her if she’d let me.

                An hour before dawn. The door opens and I follow her. She leads me to the mansion on Crawford Street. I remember it well. It cost me Dru. I think I’d already lost her. I think I lost her the second I opened my eyes to a sixteen year old slayer trying to learn French.

                I walk in and smell blood. I walk in and follow the scent. “Luv?” I ask. She turns around with the knife covered in her blood. “What are you doin’?”

                “I wanna *feel*.”

                “There are other ways.”

                “Pain is real. It’s the only thing I know.”

                “I’m sorry, but I thought you should know.”

                “It’s funny. I couldn’t even tell him that I loved him. I couldn’t even say it back looking him in the eye. I didn’t even know until Xander told me. I ran as fast as I could but the helicopter had just taken off. He’s gone. The only chance I’ll ever get at normal.”

                I just watch her sink to the floor. She’s not bleed too much to really hurt herself. Flesh wounds on the tops of her arms. “He’s everything I want. He’s everything I need. He’s everything inside of me that I wish I could be. He’s good and kind and normal. He says all the right things at exactly the right time. But he means nothing to me. I couldn’t even tell him that I loved him and I don’t know why.”

                She could have everything she wants. I wanna scream at her, ‘look at me.’ I’m right here, Slayer. I’m willing to be your slave. I’ll make you my Queen. But she’ll just sit tight and watch it unwind because it’s only what she’s asking for. She won’t ever take it. She won’t fight for what would make her happy.

                She’ll sit and watch, punishing herself for some unknown reason. And she’ll be just fine with all of her time. “It’s only what you’re waiting for.”

                “What?”

                I wish she’d look at me, *really* look at me. I wish she’d come out of the island and into the highway. “Past the places where you might have turned. You never did notice. But you still hide away, the anger of angels who won’t return.”

                “This isn’t about Angel.”

                “Isn’t it? Isn’t he everything you want? Isn’t he everything you need?”

                “No.” She answers. “He didn’t stay. I begged him not to go, but he did. I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t beg hard enough. Maybe he just wasn’t everything inside of me that I wanted him to be.”

                “Thought he was your soul mate.”

                “So did I. But he couldn’t be everything I needed, because he couldn’t be here. No, he wouldn’t be here. He never said goodbye. He never said he was sorry for leaving. He explained why, but he never asked. He never said anything. He never gave me the choice.”

                “And Riley?”

                “Riley? He means nothing to me. I wanted him to, but he doesn’t. And I don’t know why.”

                WHY CAN’T YOU SEE ME, SLAYER?! I’M RIGHT HERE!

                “I don’t wanna be lonely. I don’t want to live the rest of my short life alone, watching my friends have lives. But I want them to be happy and the only way that can happen is if they’re not wasting their lives helping me fight battles that I can’t win.”

                “You *can* win.”

                “No I can’t.” She stands up. “You said so yourself! I kill a thousand thousand and you keep coming. No matter how many I kill, I can’t win. Evil just keeps coming, harder and stronger every day. I’m tired.”

                She turns to me and whispers, “I wanna dance.”

                “What?”

                “I’m ready. I’ve been fighting and losing too long. That’s no good for a slayer.”

                “All because of a guy?”

                “Not because of a guy. I’m tired of not being a part of this world!” She starts pacing a little. “I’m tired of not being to be in a life that doesn’t fit my schedule. I’m sick of trying to be everyone’s Buffy! When do I get to be me? Huh? When do I get *me* time? I don’t even know who I am anymore!”

                “So you’re ready to quit?!” I stand up as well. “You’re just gonna give up?! I’ve known you a long time Summers and you may be a lot of things, but a quitter is not one of them.”

                “Somewhere along the way, I became a slayer and a big sister. I became an enemy and a friend, but I haven’t been *me* for a long time. I haven’t done anything for myself in I don’t know how long! I’m sick of living for everyone else!”

                “SO DON’T! Do something for yourself!”

                “I DON’T KNOW HOW! I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!” She shouts.

                “I’ll tell you who you are. You’re Buffy. You’re strong and beautiful. You’re funny, and intelligent. You’re so sexy you don’t even know how much and you’re *so* brave. You’re a mystery to everyone who wants to know you and a puzzle to those you let in. You’re *everything*.”

                She just stops and stares at me for a few minutes. “Spike?” She says quietly.

                “I am everything you want. I am everything you need. I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I say all the right things at exactly the right time. But I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why.”

                “What?”

                “You want this person that knows you, that you can yourself with. I’M RIGHT HERE! I’VE BEEN HERE! Have I ever made you hide who you are? Have I ever tried to stop you from doing what you want? Have I ever *not* told you the truth? I leave and I come back. I COME BACK FOR YOU! I’m *not* Angel. I won’t leave you! I’m not Riley. I won’t run off and whore around with some two-bit tramp vampires. I’m standing right here. And I don’t know why.”

                With that she puts the knife down and walks out.

                Why? I don’t know.

~El Fin~

Onto the NC17 Sequel : Myself