"Spike? Do you-"

"Don't," I say. "You should *never* invite vampires in, Luv, even devilishly handsome ones like myself."

"You don't seem so bad," she smiles as she opens her door. "Why *is* that, Spike?"

"Why is what?"

"Why are you so different? Is it because you're older?"

"NO!" I growl. "It's because I'm different, okay? Not *all* vampires are like me."

"Oh, I know that. I've seen girls carried out of the bars in body bags. I know the risks."

"So *why*, then? Why do you go?" I ask. I've been asking for… *weeks*, but she won't tell me. There *has* to be a reason though, why she's always out getting herself bitten, putting herself in danger. Perhaps she *wants* to die? But why?

"Oh, you know, curiosity and-"

"I stopped buyin' that line a *while* ago," I tell her.

"Yeah, well what about *you*?"

"Touché," I shrug. "So goodnight, then?"

"You can come in if you want, Spike."

"Don't you *listen* to me, Sarah?"

She just smirks and steps toward me, presses herself against me and I feel her hand caressing my cock through my trousers. *Shit*. "I *do* listen, Spike, I just… want more."

She tries to kiss me, but I turn away. "I can't *give* you more, Luv. Find a boyfriend for that."

"C'mon, Spike. It's not like you haven't made me come, before and I *know* you're hard. I feel it."

I grab her wrist and pull it away. "No, Pet. You can't get *that* from me."

Granted, she's a beautiful woman and I *do* want to shag her senseless and drink her orgasm right out of her veins as she rides me. I bet she'd feel incredible too. I'd love to bury my face between those beautifully tanned thighs and drink her pleasure along with her woman's blood. *Christ*, she's bleeding now and I *want* it. I want it almost more than *any*thing.

"Spike, *please*," she begs. "Come *in*, *take* me, I- I'm bleeding, for *you*. I want *you* to have it."

Shiiiiit. I *want* it. I can practically *taste* it on my tongue- mixed with the sweet tang of her cum.

Bloody hell, I want- <Ring. Ring.>

Christ. The timing.

"Spike-"

"I'm sorry, Pet. I have to-" I step away and pull my phone out.

~*~*~*~*~

"Hello?"

"Spike! Glad I got you. We're heading over to the industrial park, behind building twenty-five, four big Lorgah demons. We'll meet you there?" I ask him. I don't give him much choice, though. Lorgah demons are massive and nasty, as well as hard to kill. We'll need him on this.

"Yeah, in about fifteen minutes," he answers.

Good. I hang up. "He's meeting us in fifteen."

"Then we'd better hurry," Gunn says and off we go.

I really *do* wonder where Spike goes at night, though. It seems like he's gone almost every night, or damn close to it. He leaves for a few hours, sometimes four or five. He always hops in the shower as soon as he gets in the door, before he comes to bed, and I… I *know* he's feeding. I basically told him as long as he's feeding off criminals (rapists and murderers) that it would be okay as long as he wasn't *killing*. I *did* make that stipulation: no killing.

But he still comes home smelling of blood, sometimes sex too, and I wonder what he does at night.

I've been trying to ignore it. I've been trying to pretend it doesn't bother me or affect me because I really don't *want* it to. But… I wonder if he really needs to go out *every* night.

And, I suppose, part of me wishes I could go *with* him. I miss those nights we spent fucking and hunting. I miss the nights of spilt blood and screams and death. I'm his sire now, but I miss being his sire be*fore* the soul.

I miss when we used to be able to share the violent part of our lives.

But I know we can't. I can't go down that road.

"ANGEL! LET'S GO!"

~*~*~*~*~

I'm kind of glad he called. I was… *really* tempted.

She'd been dropping hints all week about her period coming and I was practically drooling over it.

"Spike!" Legs greets me and tosses me an axe.

"Simple slice 'n' dice, right?" I ask.

"You got it!"

"Hey," I say and walk over to place a kiss on his-

I stop and growl at him softly. He smells like sex. And blood. Bloody sex. *Woman* blood.

"Re*lax*, Mate," he whispers softly when he kisses me, but my fangs pierce his lip and shit. Probably not good to spill even a drop of blood around Lorgah demons because they're like sharks in that respect.

FUCK.

All four of 'em come *charging* at us. FUCK!

~*~*~*~*~

"Nice move, Slick," Ho- *Gunn* says. "I really appreciated havin' them come charging at us with- were those *teeth* or- claws or- I don't know, but- next time, maybe keep your blood kisses a*way* from us?"

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"Yeah, well, you damn near got us killed!"

"I'm *sorry*," he says and walks right by me into the hotel. Yeah- he hasn't even *looked* at me, not during the fight, not after, not in the car on the way here. *Nothing*. He's *pissed*.

It's not like I *did* anything!

"Why don't you call it a night?" I suggest and nod to Legs and Gunn. "I'll talk to the big wanker," I smile and head inside. Now, if I were a bloody wanker, where would I be?

"Knew you'd be up here," he says.

"Yeah, well- I needed to get the fuck away from you before I did sire-like things to you in front of them."

"Not like I'd mind, Mate."

"Wanna tell me or do I have to *beat* you for the information?"

"Tell you-" Yeah, Spike. You're *so* innocent.

"Don't *fuck* with me, Spike. I'm not an idiot!"

Does he *really* think I'm an idiot? That I don't smell it? That I haven't *noticed*?! He *must* because he's just standing there with that righteous indignation in his eyes.

"*William*," I repeat as calmly as possible, but still sire-like.

Shit. It's William- of course it *would* be. Poncy bastard- always gotta resort to that 'I'm your sire' tone. Like he's been my sire all along. The *only* sire-like thing he did was *sire* me. But *fine*. Okay. I *do* know what he- He smells it. I know he's not an idiot. But irritating him is *soo* much fun.

"Was walkin' around, *shopping*, and I heard a scream down an alley, so I ran over and there's this guy throwin' this girl to the ground. So I grabbed him and drank a little to knock him out and I walked her home."

"And the *sex*?" he asks with a- oooo. He's JEALOUS! *Oh* yeah. I'd know that Angelus-jealous look *any*where. Flash of pain and possession and that all too soulful regret and guilt- but *all* make up that jealous glint in his eyes.

"Didn't shag her, Angelus. You know me better than that. She just- was grateful, she came on to me, okay? I'm bloody handsome, you know I am. But I told her I couldn't and left her."

"And?"

"So she had her period! BIG DEAL! *That's* what happened, Angelus. Take it or leave it."

"Spike, you've been out too much lately," he states, his arms crossed.

OH, exCUSE me? He's gonna cross his arms on me and tell me when I can and can't go out?

Like I'm his property?! Like I can't go out on my own?

He bloody TOLD me I could go out! *HE* bloody *said* to keep it away from him!

Shit. I don't like *that* look on his face. He's *pissed*.

Fuck. Quick recovery necessary. I didn't *mean* to cross my arms! I *swear*.

I just wanna know what's going *on*.

"Spike- I just- I miss… when it was just *us* at night, curled up together reading or…"

"You're just a hornball, that's what you are, Angel," and *then* he raises that delicious eyebrow. Shit. I get hard and he just wiggles it a bit with that sexy glint in his- *fuck*.

"Maybe I am," I give in. "I just- worry about losing you."

Oh yeah, I am the *master* at playing Spike like a violin.

His entire *face* just softens and I swear- it's times like these when I *know* it's William. Not *my* Will. But the sad, crying human I found with Dru in the barn. So human still and he doesn't even realize it.

That's the true beauty of my boy.

"You won't," he says and in true Spike fashion, pushes his jeans down and grabs his erection. "We're just for you, Liam. *Only* for you."

Oh yeah. I know how to play him like a violin.

~*~*~*~*~

Her blood is *soooo* rich going down. FUCK.

"Spike! Please! Harder!"

Christ. I sometimes wonder if this girl is *real*. But I listen to her. I bite her harder. A bit deeper and her blood surges a bit and flows into my mouth, heavy from her orgasm, rich from hormones.

Bloody hell. I pull away. *Tear* away, actually, because I really  want to keep drinking. So I *force* myself to pull away.

"How do you feel, Luv?" I ask her.

"*Won*derful," she sighs and leans back against the couch. "Just… perfect."

I return to her throat for a minute, savouring the flavor of her blood on my tongue. Christ. It has been too long, really. I wonder if I could have done this before with the chip? If there was no intent to harm anyone, could I have taken from someone willingly? I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore.

"Spike?" she asks softly and I turn my head and look at her.

"What, Sarah?"

"Will you-" she slides closer and her lips are so bloody close to mine. "Can I kiss you?"

"What?! Why?" Shit. *No*.

"I just- wanna see what I taste like, on your tongue."

Ohfuck. I feel her tentatively lick my lips and I can't help it. Come on! What man *wouldn't* let- NO!

I feel her tongue probing my mouth, licking a bit of blood off my teeth but I growl. "No, Pet. I'm sorry, but no. I don't know what *ideas* you had about this, but- you need to stop this!" I stand up and look at her. "You need to stop putting yourself in danger and taunting and tempting vampires."

"I'm NOT doing it with other vampires!" She yells and jumps up. "Only with *you*!"

Ohshit. Shit. I *knew* I'd bollocks this up. "Listen, Sarah, we *can't* be together. We're not- this is *not* going to end well for you. I don't know what you think, but-" Shit. I should have known- should have sensed her growing feelings for me. "I'm not coming back, Luv. I won't be back again."

As much as it pains me to give away good blood…

"You should stop this, Luv. It's just not healthy."

"SPIKE! *I* can decide what is- you can't *stop*, Spike," she says softly before falling onto the couch. "I *need* this."

"Why?" I ask. That's- we've talked a lot, but- okay- not a *lot*, but some. And of all the things we've discussed, I've never been able to figure out *why* this is so bloody important to her. I don't think it's just a simple vampire or danger addiction. "C'mon, Pet. *Why*?" I sit beside her and take her hand in mine. "Tell me."

"My… my brother… he… died- was *killed*. I found the body and- in our apartment. I just- I guess I needed to… it was just a way to-" she's crying now.

"Feel close to your brother?"

She nods and I hold her as she cries.

~*~*~*~*~

"Would you look at that?" Cordy says as she opens up the paper.

"What?"

"They found another one of those blonde girls."

"Another?" I ask.

"That's nine in one month," Wesley says. "Any markings? Vampire bites?"

"Doesn't say," Cordy answers. "Just that… she was young, bright, getting ready for college, pretty but not very popular. Doesn't say what caused it, only that they're labeling it another victim in the string of murders that's spanned three weeks now."

"Think we should look into it, Angel?" Gunn asks.

"I don't know. Doesn't sound demonic; no markings, no neck injuries…"

"Still seems like something worth looking into," Wesley argues. "I mean… even if it's nothing demonic, we might be able to drudge up a name or suspect that the police wouldn't be able to."

"OH, wait!" We glance over at Cordy. She's at the computer now and- she's become quite the little mini-Willow, really. "Okay. Coroner's report is starting to come through."

"I tell you guys yet how much *fun* it is to work here?" Virginia jokes.

"What's it say?" I ask. I guess it might be worth a look-see. Okay. I did *not* just think that.

"Young, pretty- no marks reported yet, but- okay, eeew? Why is *that* necessary?"

"What?!" we all ask her.

"I mean- talk about personal."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, sorry, guys," she smiles. "Says she was in the middle of her menstrual cycle. Why is *that* important?"

Fuck.

******

"Didn't shag her, Angelus. You know me better than that. She just- was grateful, she came on to me, okay? I'm bloody handsome, you know I am. But I told her I couldn't and left her."

"And?"

"So she had her period! BIG DEAL! *That's* what happened, Angelus. Take it or leave it."

"Spike, you've been out too much lately."

~*~*~*~*~

"Where have you *been*, Sp-"

But of course, he just walked right by me into the bathroom. I was finished with that. I was going to tell him to *stop* whatever the hell he *does* at night. I wanted him to stop ignoring me.

I stormed into the bathroom to yell at him, or fuck him (I'm still not sure which), and was hit with the faintest, yet still very distinctive fragrance: woman's blood.

******

"It might actually be significant," Wes states. "There are *some* rituals that call for a woman's blood, although they usually revolve around the moon…"

I smell him immediately and my eyes fly to the top of the stairs where he is standing. He's awake.

He's… god, he's beautiful. Classic beauty in male form. Gorgeous blue eyes looking at me questioningly as he sees me staring at him- my gorgeous childe, mate, lover and-

I do *not* want to believe it.

Am I housing an active serial killer?

I come down the stairs lookin' for- I can't help but notice that look in his eyes. He's terrified about something? No- not *terrified*, *worried*- maybe a bit of both.

Why is he lookin' at me like that?

"Morning, Pets! What's *his* problem?"

"Angel?… *Aaaanngelll*?"

"Huh? What?" I blink and look away from him to Cordelia.

Shit. He *has* been going out a *lot* at night.

A *lot*.

And the past couple nights weren't the *first* times I smelled woman's blood on him. And he showers every night before he comes to bed and how many menstruating rape victims can he be saving?

I just- I don't wanna believe that-

Spike doesn't- he was *never* one for violence against women; that was *me*. But- they're all *blonde*?

Does he have slayer issues still? Buffy issues? Is he not *sharing* this huge part of himself with me? Is he trying to get revenge on me? It just… doesn't make sense.

But- he's… a vampire. He's a killer. Souless. Chipless. My childe.

I *know* what kind of pain he's capable of inflicting. I just-

I don't *want* it to make sense.

"Spike, would you do something about him?" Legs asks and goes back to her computer.

Okay, I don't know what his bloody problem is, but I'm hungry.  I was *hoping* to eat with the ponce, but he's still just- what the hell *is* his problem? I shrug and walk right over to him. *I* know what will get him to wake the bloody hell up.

Suddenly his tongue is down my throat and *fuck*. *Please* don't let me be kissing a killer's mouth. Shit.

He pulls away and smirks. "There now, much better, ya poufter."

Then he heads into the kitchen and I follow him. I have to know. Have to find out.

But fuck. I watch him pull out our vampire mugs that Cordy gave us, what? Two years ago? Three years ago? I don't know, but soon they're filled with warm blood.

"What's wrong?" he asks, handing me the mug, and I search his eyes for… I don't know- perhaps I'm looking for something that doesn't exist anymore. That thought terrifies me- that my beautiful William might be lost to me forever. I hadn't really considered this; neither of us did. We never considered the fact that he might need the kill more than he needs me. Christ, what have I done?

Shit. We sit down at the table and it's not like I can come out and *ask* him about this. I mean- if it *is* him, he won't admit it to me. Or he *will* and then what will I do? Stake him? I couldn't. And if it *isn't* him, he'll be *so* hurt that I thought it was. He'd probably be *so* upset that I doubted him, that he *would* go off and kill something, just to piss me off.

"Peaches?" he asks, those big curious eyes look at me, blue as ever. I remember those curious eyes, staring in wonderment as I taught him the various places on the human body where one could stab with a knife and cause little internal damage. I wonder if he's used those lessons lately.

"Yeah, something happened- they found another one of those girls."

"Girls?" he asks, that little eyebrow ring going up in the- no. Focus, Angel.

"Yeah, the blondes," I say and try to focus on his eyes, but he blinks. Shit. Was that a nervous blink? God- I used to be so *good* at telling if he was lying or not. Has it been so long that I've lost my touch? Or is he *that* good at lying to me? Has he perfected his methods that much, in a century, that not even *I* can tell what he's up to when he doesn't want me to?

"What's that make now? Seven?" Shit. I look into his eyes and I just can't *tell*.

"*Nine*. Nine in one month."

"Serial killer?"

"Obviously," I say and take a sip of the blood. Shit. He's so calm over there.  Not surprised at all. But then again, we're demons; death *doesn't* surprise us. "But we got a new detail, Wes is looking into it- might be a ritual of some kind."

"Yeah, what's that?" he asks, leaning forward a bit. Now he's curious? His interest is peaked? Shit. *Please* no, Spike.

"Apparently, they were all menstruating." There's a flicker of bloodlust in his eyes and shit. But then they just return to Spike-ness- those crystal baby blues that just stare into my soul. Ironically enough, he may be the only one who *does*.

"Interesting," he says, leaning back in his chair, his fingers running through his hair like it's just a normal day. Maybe it is; is it? Maybe it's something else. It could be something else. Spike was never one to hunt *one* girl. He liked massive destruction. He liked a fight with maximum damage. So it's *not* Spike.

Unless… he knows I'd be looking for signs of what he liked before so now he's changed his hunting style.

"'Gelus?" he asks. Shit.

"Yeah. Wes thinks it might be connected to moon phases or something- like one of those month long ritual sacrifice things. I don't know."

"But we're on the case now?"

"Yeah, well… the police haven't figured it out; and if it's a ritual of some kind, they'll never pick up on that. We can at least find the person and drop 'em off at the station."

"True," he nods his head in agreement.

Fuck. I just can't get a good read off of him and that's worse than if I knew he was guilty.

And now he's brooding again. I lean in and nip at his lip. "Relax," I say. "It'll all work out."

"Yeah," he agrees. "So, where were you last night?"

Fuck. Does he- *know*? About Sarah? Not that I'm doin' anything *wrong* with her anyway. I'm just… feeding. From a human, but I'm not *killing* her, or hurting her. She's innocent and I'm just… *helping* her, really. And besides, I told her she needed to stop, last night, so at least I *warned* her. And besides, why would he care?

Still… I can't help but wonder if he knows. "Why?" I ask.

"Well… it happened a few blocks from here, did you hear or see anything? Anyone creepy lurking? That would be a break if you had." OH thank the powers.

"No, I was across town," I answer. I just hope he bloody well drops it because I don't wanna get into it. He'd just be mad about Sarah and he really has nothing to be mad about, so I don't wanna bring it up.

Dammit. Evasiveness. That just… it doesn't spell good things. But I still can't just *ask* him about it. I'll have to follow him tonight and see what he's doing. And *pray* he doesn't kill anyone.

I can't destroy him. I tried once and it nearly tore me apart. I can't do it again. I don't even want to *think* about… *it*.

~*~*~*~*~

Okay. This all must go according to plan, otherwise it's not gonna work and I really want it to work.

And it *really* has to work because the poncy bugger *owes* me this, dammit.

So I lie in wait. Actually, *stand* in wait because if I'm lying there, he'll see me coming a mile away. And I'd really like to sneak up on him today.

So I think I'm all ready. Got my cock. Blood. Bed. All I need is Angelus.

Where the  hell *is* he?

"Spike?!" I look in his computer room. Nothing.

I just really want to talk about what's been going on. I couldn't get a straight answer out of him last time we talked. I was so worried about hurting him. But I can't avoid it anymore. We *have* to talk.

"Spike?" Maybe he's in the bedroom. "Where are you, you ass? I wanna talk a minute."

Ya know, as I'm walking into our bedroom, I know he's in here. But… I realize something *very* important.

It is *way* too quiet in here. *Eerily* quiet.

He's about a foot from the bed and *that's* when I growl and come flying out from behind the door, slamming it closed as I do.

"SPIKE!" I scr-

I've got him pinned on the bed before he can even *think*.

YES!

"Had to expect this, Angelus," I growl in his ear before pulling his trousers down. "Not my bleedin' *sire*, you're my *mate* and I'm *takin'* you. Hard and fast and bloody."

Um… *fuck*?

I nip at his neck and tear at his clothes while thrusting against him. I'm *hard*. *Very* hard. I've been thinking about this for *months* and finally decided, since he hadn't offered, that I'm just gonna *take* it.

I don't care if the bloody pillock wants it or not. I'm *taking* his arse and he's gonna *like* it. Although, from the few moans and whimpers coming from him, I don't think that'll be a problem.

I yank his trousers down and tear his pansy-arsed boxers off.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Is it wrong that I am *totally* turned on by this? By assault? But shit- Will can assault me *any*time if it means *this*.

Fuck. I lift my a hips a little as he yanks my pants down. Fuck.

Okay. He hasn't been in me since he was human. I don't know why. Maybe we've just been so busy trying to figure this out- I'm not sure. But *shit*, I smell his blood.

Blood.

TALKING. I wanted to-

Oh fuck. Fingers.

"That's right, Angelus," he says and I feel him prodding me a bit with bloody, wet fingers. "Let me in, you ponce." Only Spike could insult me during sex and turn me on more. Only Spike.

"Spi-"

"SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!" He growls and grabs my hair and yanks my head back. "Just *shut* up!"

What the *fuck*?!

I don't wanna hear his poncy voice telling me to stop or telling me he loves me. I wanna hear 'Yes, Master, please'. And that's *all* I want to hear and since he will *never* call me that, I just want him to shut the hell up.

This is *my* time. *Mine* and I won't let him ruin it.

*MINE*.

"You hear me?! MINE!" I growl before slamming into him.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I scream. HOLY SHIT. What the- SHIT.

He wastes no time in pulling out and slamming into me again and I'm bleeding. I know I am. Shit. If I wasn't a vampire- if pain didn't feel *so* good- if Spike didn't know how to hurt me in the most delicious way- but SHIT.

Where the fuck is this *coming* from? Dammit.

I fist the sheets and whimper and thrust my hips forward and back and I don't really know which I like better. Ohshit. "Spike, please," escapes from my lips softly and I feel the power in his hips, slamming against me, driving him deep inside me. He's growling and snarling and *fuck*. It's like he's not even my… Spike.

I'M A BLOODY ANIMAL!

I snarl and tear at his throat. SHIT. His blood is *so* rich. Not like hers. His is powerful and familiar and makes my veins *scream*, reminding me of the terror we caused and pain and destruction that makes us what we are.

I gulp it down and jerk roughly inside him. He squeezes me like a vice and *fuck*. Is *this* what it felt like to him all those times he took me like this? Rough and visceral? No *wonder* he did it so often.

Shit. The *second* his fangs tear at my throat, I'm a goner. I'm coming and whimpering and writhing, yes writhing, below him like… like the bitch in heat he knows I am.

Fuck. Is *this* what he felt all those years ago? When I'd force my way into him and make him *love* it?

And as wonderful as it- I'm terrified.

Is this violent creature all I have now of my William?

~*~*~*~*~

I really don't wanna *have* to do this, but- Spike just left. A*gain*.

Not that I expected a long drawn out conversation after his attack this afternoon, but he fuckin' fell asleep! I mean… cuddling is one thing, but he just turned over and fell afuckingsleep and he was dressed and on his way out when I woke up.

So… I *have* to know.

Shit. If he's- I need to know. I *have* to.

God, if things aren't- and especially after this afternoon. *Especially* after that. He's losing control over the demon. And if he can't control himself, then we've got no one to blame but me. *I* made him what he is.

Fuck, this is a nightmare. It's my worst nightmare. I keep thinking if he *is* killing again, maybe I'll just- I'll tell him to leave. Run and stay away. *Not* come back. But could I live with that? Could I live with not having him? Could we make arrangements to meet every few months so I could be with my mate? Or could I overlook the killing and just tell him to hide it well? Shit. No. I couldn't. FUCK. I feel guilty just for *thinking* it.

I *really* wish I hadn't been raised Catholic. I'd be *way* less guilty if I hadn't been Catholic.

But okay- I just- I'm going to just- I'm just following him for now.

I have *no* idea where he's going but- I can see him walking down below. I'm ten stories up, trying to hide from his so-called 'Angel finder'.

Where is he- he just went into a building. I guess it's time to- I *love* freefalling ten stories and knowing that I'm going to land on my feet. I head over to the building he just- shit. I *know* what this is. He *has* been feeding, hasn't he? But… is he hunting here? Furthermore, is he killing?

I look around. What do I feel like tonight?

Shit, after this afternoon? It's gotta be something exquisite- something Angelus would have liked- something unique.

I *do* look around for Sarah because if she's here, I *will* beat her down and drag her home. She's gotta stop what she's doin'; she's hurtin' herself. It's not healthy. It's not healthy for *any* of 'em here, but especially not for her. She needs to grieve for her brother and move on. She's likely to get herself killed if she keeps comin' here and I'm not sure if that's not exactly what she wants. Shit. Maybe I'll check on her before going home.

*Home*. To Angel, my mate.

Christ, this afternoon was… he probably *would* have let me fuck him if I'd asked, but that was so much better. I'm still trying to figure out how to get him chained up without him knowing. I could spike his blood with a tranquilizer or something, but he'd taste it. Don't know what I would *do* to him if I had him chained up for my liking, but I know it'd be fun.

Okay. Something exquisite. I'll drink to Angelus tonight.

I scan the room again and notice- *perrrrrfect*. Simply *perfect*.

And now, the seduction.

I walk gracefully over to the bar and slide in behind the dirty blond fellow. "Buy ya a drink?" I whisper in his ear. I feel his shivers as I sit down, my legs brushing his thigh.

"What?" he asks and tosses me a glance.

"A drink, Luv," I say, and place two fingers on the top of his hand. I run them up his arm, tracing the scars there. "Can I buy ya a drink?"

He turns to look at me, probably to tell me guys aren't his thing, and those eyes… beautiful blue-gray, like mine. His features aren't quite as chiseled as my own, but the resemblance is there. Angelus would be proud. This is exactly what he would have picked too. He always *did* manage to find and kill any and all look-alikes. He didn't think anyone else deserved my face but me.

"Yeah," he swallows. "Yeah, you can."

I stand in the shadows and watch him. *MY* William. I watch him seducing this boy like a predator. Like *me*.

I wonder if he knows I'm here- if that's why he's putting on a show- if that's why he chose *that* boy, above all others here. If he's telling me he knows I'm here and is going after exactly who I would have chosen. And part of me wishes I could walk up behind him and tell him what a fine choice he made and we could press the boy between us as we drank the life out of him.

Is *this* what Spike has been hiding? Coming to this… *place*? Drinking and feeding and getting off and coming home to me and "shagging" some more? Is he… maybe he *hasn't* been killing. In a way though, this is worse.

I can't give him what he needs. Either way, I can't have him.

Or *is* he killing and he knew I was following him so he came here to convince me he's not.

God, I wish I could just come out and ask him.

But if he *is* killing, why haven't the powers *told* us? Why hasn't Cordy seen it? But I'm also not stupid enough to think the vision a day she gets is enough for us to stop *all* the demon crime in the city. I have a feeling we get sent after the most important humans- one's that will make a difference. Perhaps the girl we saved the other day goes on to cure cancer, or gives birth to the next president. I'm not sure.

I growl. *Loudly* when he licks that boy's neck. He's only supposed to lick *my* neck.

That's it. I watch as they walk toward the back and I make my way over there just as they disappear behind the curtain to the private rooms upstairs.

I walk up and don't see him. Okay. I'll have to feel him then, *smell* him… at the end of the hall.

"So, where do you-"

"You *know* where," I inform him as I advance on him. "Only place a vampire *should* bite, only place that bloody matters, Luv," I add before pinning him against the wall. Oh, that added *just* a bit of fear. "Relax, Pet. Not gonna hurt you," I say. "*Much*."

And I kiss his neck openly before allowing my fangs the pleasure of sinking into that tender flesh and oh, sweetness!

Yes, here's to *you*, An-

I pull my fangs away and turn quickly, as soon as I feel it. "Angel?"

He releases the boy and his fangs disappear and I look at the human. "*Leave*," I growl as I slam Spike against the opposite wall, my hands on his throat. "Is *THIS* what you do?! When you're not with *me*?"

The boy scrambles away and out the door but I don't really notice much of him.

"What the HELL, Angelus?!" he snaps, trying to push my arms away. "LET *GO* OF ME!" He demands, before kicking my groin. FUCK. I'm *sure* he's got some excuse cooked up, right? He's *Spike* of course.

"What the *FUCK* are you *DOIN'* bargin' in here on my-"

"On your *what*, Spike?! Huh? On your *WHAT*?" I challenge. FUCK- has he actually been- killing behind my back? *LYING* to me? " ON YOUR *WHAT*?!"

"Dinner. *That's* what." *Fuck*.

"Spike, I- how could you *do* this to me?" I beg. *Please* give me an answer. Tell me that guy was half demon. *Tell* me he was a murderer. Just please tell me *some*thing.

"Do *what*?" he growls. "*Bite* someone?"

Fuck. *Lie* to me about- God. No. I don't wanna have to- "You gotta get out of town."

"*WHAT*?!" he growls loudly and I see a spark of pain flash across his eyes. Shit. Don't you think it's hard for me too, Spike? But fuck- I *can't* condone you killing and- "WHAT FOR?" he growls. "For feeding?"

"YES!" I scream at him. "I *told* you, Will. I *told* you you couldn't kill and we'd compromise and-"

I backhand him with a growl. "FUCK YOU!"

*What* in the bloody fuck does he think this fuckin' *IS*?!

I'm all about the bleedin' COMPROMISE! IT'S ALL I FUCKIN' *DO* is *COMP*romise with him! Over EVERYTHING and I'm *bloody* sick of it!

"Do you *SEE* a bloody corpse here, Angel?! The whole *purpose* of these effin' places is no *bodies*!"

"What?" he asks, that bloody stupid, ignorant, 'I'm Angel and can't possibly understand anything you say because I'm a big nancy pouf' look on his face.

"You said not to kill, I haven't been killing, you stupid nonce."

"You haven't been killing those girls?"

WHAT?

FUCK. I *really* wish my mouth had a better connection with my brain.

"FUCK *YOU*, *ANGEL*," he snarls and brushes past me. Shit. I grab his wrist and- "NO!" he growls and backhands my face *hard* while yanking his wrist away. "Don't fuckin' *touch* me."

"You can't fuckin' tell me there's no *evidence*!" I defend myself. I mean… dammit- HE'S COME HOME SMELLING OF WOMEN AND SEX FOR CHRISSAKE!

"What *evidence*?! Huh?!" he grinds out through his clenched jaws, his eyes cold and hurt. Dammit, forgive me, Spike. "WHAT FUCKING EVIDENCE?!"

"Every night- for like… what? A *month*? Maybe more? You come home smelling like… women- humans- blood and- what the hell *else* am I supposed to think?"

"HOW ABOUT *ASK*ING ME?! How about *TRUST*ing ME, Angelus?! No, you *follow* me instead?"

"Like you woulda told me the truth if you *were* killing?"

"Like you know if I am *now*?" he counters and *dammit*. No. I *know* the look in his eyes- he can't fake it this time. Could he? No. He couldn't fake being *this* hurt.

"Spike, I'm *sorry*, but- you're out all night and come home smelling and… I didn't *want* to believe it, but the past few nights, you've smelled like-"

"We're *mates*, Angelus. *MATES*," he growls and I can see the hurt in his eyes. FUCK. This is *exactly* why I didn't wanna *do* this. "You think I don't *know* what it would do to us if I killed an innocent? You think I'd *HURT* you that way? How could you even-"

*Fuck*.

"You did before," he says softly.

I just freeze. I can't believe he fucking *said* that to me. I thought things were different now.

"We weren't *mates* then, Angelus. We weren't bloody in *love*. We had no promises. I can't believe you think I'd fucking *risk* that on *blood*. Of all the ways to bloody *hurt* me, Angelus- that is…" I shake my head. I guess that's it then. Nothing left, if there was *ever* anything there to start with.

I can't believe he thinks I'd *hurt* him in that way. I thought we… god. Maybe I *should* have stayed a human and just died. If he thinks I care about him so little- if he doesn't trust me- if he doesn't love me enough to just *know* I'd *never* do anything to hurt him like this…. I don't know what's *left*.

<Ring. Ring.>

In the words of Spike, bloody hell.

"Hello?"

"Vision girl to the rescue," Cordy says. "Girl being attacked- a vampire. 92 Shermon, apartment 11N."

"Got it, thanks."

"What is it?" he asks venomously as I hang up.

"Vampire attack, 92 Shermon, 11N."

"*What*?" he nearly chokes.

"Vampire. Apartment 11N, 92 Shermon. Why?"

SARAH!

~*~*~*~*~

He's been ignoring me for the entire ride here. I don't fucking blame him. Fuck. I could have been honest. I could have just said 'Spike, I don't think you'd ever do anything like this to intentionally hurt me, but I need to know why you're coming home smelling of sex and blood when there are women being murdered.' I should have just… been honest and said, 'I don't think it's you, Spike. I know it's not, but the soul in me just needs to hear it from your mouth.' I could have said *ANY*thing but what I *said*- done ANYthing but what I *did*.

I may have ruined *every*thing.

And now I'm running up the stairs with him and I hope we're not too late.

We get to the top of the stairs and I'm about to ask him which way we should turn, since there's two hallways, but he just runs in one direction and I'm behind him and he just- bursts through the door?! Without an invitation? Are we… too-

"SARAH?!"

Sarah? Who the fuck is-

"SPIKE!!! HELP ME!"

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"SARAH!" I yell as I yank the vampire off him.

"HEY! SHE'S *MINE*!" he growls and I turn around and throw the first punch. Her neck is bloody- I don't know how much he *took*. FUCK. He'll DIE!

He gets two punches in and clocks me in the jaw but a swift roundhouse kick and he's down.

"SPIKE!" Angel yells and I catch the stake and he's dust.

Fuck. "Sarah!" I rush over to the couch and touch her face. "Are you okay, Pet?"

"*Spike*," she sobs and jumps into my arms.

"It's okay, Luv. It's over, ssshhh," I whisper softly and pet her head as she cries.

"No it isn't," she whimpers. "He was my brother."

Ohgod.

Okay. Innocent saved and vampire dust and WHAT THE FUCK???!!!

He's… holding her and-

I hear the loud growl that escapes and shakes the room.

That terrifies *her*. "Spike- what's going on?" she asks.

"Yeah, *Spike*," Angel growls from the hallway. "What the *fuck* is going on?!"

"Angelus- let me-" I pull away from her. "He's okay, Pet. He's a… he's my- we're together."

"What?" she asks, confused.

"He's my boyfriend."

"Your… *boy*friend? I… OOOH! All this time, I thought it was *me*, but you're gay."

"I'm *not* *gay*. I just… shag men, okay- it's different for vampires. But he's my… it's a thing, we're together. His name is Angel and-"

"WILLIAM!" He bellows.

I growl and stand up. "SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!" I yell. "You have NO rights to stand there and-"

"Is THIS what you've been doing?! CHEATING on me with-"

"I *NEVER* cheated on you!" I scream. "*NEVER*. Just drank her blood is all- that's *it*!"

"And staying here at night and coming home and fucking *me* because you didn't wanna fuck *her*?!"

"HEY! I'm in the room too!" She yells.

FUCK.

"We're *leaving*!" I growl.

"The hell we *are*! We're *over*, Angelus. We have no trust and I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life feeling GUILTY because *I* like the taste of BLOOD. I'm a VAMPIRE, Angelus! You should know that since YOU *DID* it to me!"

NO! We can't- we're not *OVER*. We're *NOT*.

"Spike, I-"

"*NO*!" he screams. "It's not your bloody decision, IS it now, MATE?"

And *then*, he slams the door in my face and she never invited me in and- FUCK.

"Spike, *please*, Baby- *please* don't *do* this! Will, *please* let's just-" I keep knocking on the door, but he says nothing. Fuck. I've… I *lost* him. I… shit, after all we've been through, this *can't* be the end. Can it?

~*~*~*~*~

I'm insanely happy when I finally hear him go because who wants to listen to his begging? Not *me*.

*That's* for fuckin' sure, Mate.

"Spike?"

I glance over at her. She's just been sitting there. "Are you okay, Pet?"

"I'm… I'll be okay."

"What happened?"

"I thought Danny was back, I thought… I don't know. He was dead and then he *wasn't* and…" she turns her face and sniffles. "I don't know. I just… wanted my brother back. How did you *know* that-"

"He- Angelus- he's a crime fighter. Has a friend who gets visions of people in trouble. It's… a big thing."

"And he's your… lover?"

"He's my- he *made* me a vampire."

"Oh," she says, but she can't understand. She doesn't know what that means. She doesn't know that we're… *every*thing to each other.

She can't understand the meaning of the words that attempt to describe what we are.

"How?" she asks.

"How what?"

"How did- how does it happen?"

"Oh- becoming a-" she nods. "Right. Well… a vampire bites you and drinks your blood, then you drink his."

"Oh." She sits silently for a few minutes, idly staring at her fingers. "So… then what? You wake up and start killing people? *You* don't kill people."

"Vampires these days are… in the *old* days vampires stayed with their sires. They learned about the world, experienced and shared everything. These days, they just… kill- not bothering with affection or… things are different. Okay? *I'm* different."

"Is *he* different?"

"Angel?" I sigh. "Yeah. He's different."

"And you love him."

"God help me, but yeah."

"Why don't you go after him?"

"He doesn't trust me."

"Should he?"

I sit up quickly and look at her. "What are you-"

"All I'm saying is that… I mean… you *did* lie. I mean… did you tell him about me? You didn't tell *me* about *him*. I can see his point is all."

Fuck, I hate humans. "That's different."

"Is it?"

I growl and stand up, kicking the chair back a bit as I do. "You're damn *right* it's bloody different! He thinks I've been KILLING people! He thinks I told him I wouldn't kill again and that I *LIED* to HIM! Like it's *my* bloody fault in the beginning that I have to go *THROUGH* this!"

"You DID lie! You have been lying by not telling him about stuff- about *me*. He feels-"

"He's a JACKASS who THINKS I would intentionally HURT HIM AND-"

"YOU DID! YOU *DID* hurt him! Will," she says softly and I stop and look at her. "I loved my brother more than *any*thing. I've been… destroying my *life* for him- hurting myself… and for what? Because I couldn't *have* him anymore. Don't destroy your life when you *can* have him. You'll be sorry if you walk away now. I don't… *know* what you've been through with him, but it sounds like a *lot* to just walk away like this."

Fuck. I *really* hate humans.

~*~*~*~*~

I stare at the pictures on the wall that I've painted over the past three years- pictures of *us*. *Him*.

Things are so fucked up right now. I hadn't… I thought I'd just get *my* Spike back. My William- the one I loved a year ago- the one who made me chase him around the hotel on Thanksgiving and somehow managed to make me get my hand stuck in a turkey. The one who danced with me on Halloween and made me happier than I'd ever been. I want that back, dammit. It's not *fair*.

I don't know how to DO this! I don't know how to be without him, but I don't know how to be *with* him! I don't know how we had *trust* before- besides the chip, but after he got that out… how did we find trust? Was it just *there*?

I can't be without him. I can't. Not now. Not after everything we've been through. I'd rather die. I don't know how to be Angel without Spike. I don't know how to go through the day without touching him or kissing him or… FUCK.

I growl as I throw lamp across the room. It smashes and shatters. I *really* liked that sound, so I grab the vase across the room too. Then the chair, then the picture of Cordy and Gunn, then the glass statue, then the entire nightstand. Then I grab the bed and throw it as far as I can, flipping it over as I scream.

I have *nothing*. None of it matters without him.

I get that now.

"Oi, Peaches, the bed didn't do anything, Luv," I say, as I open the door to find him ripping our bedroom apart.

"SPIKE!" he yells and I find myself pinned under him on top of some broken glass. "Don't leave me!" he pleads as he kisses me desperately. "I can't live without you! I need you! I was wrong. I love you. I trust you. I just need to learn that again. I need you, Will. I can't let you leave again, not this time. Please… *please* stay."

"Get *off* me! You're *squishing* me, you idiot," I say, before pushing him off.

"Spike, please, don't leave me!"

"*Stop* it," I say. "Angel, I-" I stand up and he does too. "I’m *sorry*. I shouldn'ta lied."

"And I shoulda *asked* instead of assuming."

"Yeah, you should have," I scold him, but… in all honesty? Sarah is- was- right. I was lying to him, so what was he supposed to think?

I should have. I *knew* I should have. Dammit, why didn't I listen to myself on thisand just *ask* him?

"But I wouldn't have *had* to ask if you'd just *told* me the *truth*."

"I KNOW, okay?!" he growls. "I *know*."

"So would you just… *tell* me? What the hell has been going on? You've been going to that… *place*? Drinking from people behind my-"

"I'd say it's not like that, but I guess it is. Okay, Angel? Yes. I've been feeding from humans but I have *not* *killed* anyone. I haven't."

"And the girl? Who is she?"

"Sarah?" he questions, as if I'm talking about anyone else. As if I hadn't seen the look in his face when he saw her- hadn't seen her clutching him, him comforting her. God, how can he consider that *not* cheating on me?!

"Of *course*, *Sarah*," I say, trying not to sound angry, but how am I supposed to sound? He could have been *here* making love to *me* and instead he's out with her, sneaking in here at dawn.

"She's… I met her there. She's nice. She- her brother was killed by vampires, actually turned- and she was sad, Angel. She was sad and going to those places and waiting to die. So I made her promise not to go to those places and in exchange, I-"

"Drank from her regularly."

Shit. The way he says it doesn't sound good.

"Angel, it's not *like* that."

"How is *not* *like* that?! Huh? When *we* could have been together- making up for lost time- getting to know each other again- *you* were at her *house*- making her- I know damn well how good your bite feels, Will. You *cheated* on me."

"I *NEVER* had sex with her!" I yell at him.

"SO?! Same thing, Will. Making her come- biting her- using *her*, being with her-"

"I WASN'T *WITH* HER LIKE THAT! Just been drinking her blood is all."

"*SPIKE*!" he growls. "You've been- fine, okay, I get it- this is my fault. *I* made you a vampire again. I accept that. I did this to us- but I've been trying to get to know you again- trying to reconnect with you and *THIS* gets in the way. When you could have been *here* with *me*- making love or talking or just… adjusting- YOU were with HER! Sharing *your* life- the most important damn thing *in* your life… with *HER*."

Oh fuck.

His face… all the fight in him… literally *sinks* and he sits on the bed, almost as if his legs just gave out.

"Shit, Angel… I hadn't… I didn't *think* about it like that. I thought- thought this was a way for- to take *care* of that need so I could concentrate on *you*."

"But you haven't been, Spike. You come home- take a shower- avoid me most times. We're not *close*. Not like we *were*, not like before."

"Angel, I'm *sorry*. I hadn't even… it hadn't even occurred to me."

I sigh and sit on the bed next to him. "Will… I don't- I *know* you didn't mean to hurt me. I *know*. But… you gotta let me in on what you're feeling- what you're going through. If you can't… if you need the violence, the blood- we can work on that. If you need-" Fuck. "*her*, then-"

"NO!" he interrupts and I suddenly find myself pinned down. "*No*," he repeats. "I do *not* need *her*, Liam. I need *you*." And I am *so* relieved.

He leans down and kisses me and I melt into that kiss. Fuck. I'm… my soul practically shrieks because he's here- I didn't lose him. Haven't lost him. Yet. And I won't let that happen.

He pulls away and licks my lips as he does. "I'll stop, okay? I won't stay away all night. I won't see her again, I *swear*, Angel. *Nothing* is more important to me than you. Nothing. Not blood. Not her. Nothing."

God- the words spill from his lips so easily. I want to believe them. I want them to be true. I so desperately want that to be reality I'm willing to… *any*thing. I don't care. I *NEED* him with me.

s "Okay," I whisper. "Okay. We'll try harder, Will. Try harder. I'll- I can *give* you the violence you need, Spike. I need it too. I'll give you what you need, please, just don't leave me," I whimper and he just kisses me.