"DBU" was a great big universe in which our hero, Captain Head Snipe, wondered constantly dueling enemies in the five-year mission to capture more monsters and computer programs inside little balls and cards. In Episode XVVI, the Head Snipe took on, once again, his arch-nemesis, The Status Quo. HS began by playing his Chapel Updates card, which immediately knocked down SQ’s life points from 2,000 to 1,800.

SQ: “Ha ha! You’ve played your most powerful card and it’s worthless! You’re doomed! Doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMED, Head Snipe, you fool! I am invincible! For behold! THE CURSE OF BARTH CARD overrules any Chapel Updates card, making it worthless! See, my life points are back up to 2,000!”

HS: “That’s what you think, Status Quo! But I anticipated your move. Now you’ll have to deal with my Mark Boone defensive card!”

SQ: “The Corrector of Spiritual Life?! You must be joking! He only takes out ten life points!”

HS: “That’s where you’re wrong, SQ! Mark Boone carries his own copy of the William Bell card, which overrules your Curse of Barth, letting my Chapel Updates card do its work!”

SQ: “Curses! Not the William Bell card!”

HS: “Yes, the William Bell card. Now watch as William Bell, armed with his trusty Chicago Statement on Biblical Inerrancy defensive card, blocks your Curse of Barth! Now watch as Mark Boone takes off another ten points by himself, taking your life points down to 1,790!”

SQ to himself: “Hmm. The Head Snipe is cleverer than I anticipated. But he’s still no match for me. No one can defeat me. The Status Quo is immortal! Well, I think I know which card will hurt him most!”

SQ to HS: “Well, you’d better watch your own life points! I have the rare Apathy card!”

At this point the Head Snipe merely burst into a cruel laugh. “You fool!” he cried. “The Apathy card isn’t rare! I run into it everywhere I go! I came prepared for your Apathy card! I ran into this card while I was talking to Calvinists in the Cafeteria. It’s rare and expensive, but it’s called the God Will Have His Glory Anyway card, and it overrules Apathy! My life points are still at 2,000!”

SQ: “Curses!”

HS: “And since it’s only a defensive card, I can still play one more card for my turn. I choose . . . the Christians Engaging Culture and Reaching Planet Earth for its Creator card!”

SQ: “Blocked! I have the DBU Bubble Shield card!”

HS to self: “I’m a fool! I should have known I’d have to draw out his Bubble Shield with a weaker card! That was a foolish move. Now I’ve wasted one of my best cards. At least the Bubble Shield counts as both an offensive and defensive card, so it’s my turn again.”

HS to SQ: “That was a good move, Status Quo. See how you feel about my Passion for Truth card.”

SQ to himself: “It only hurts me by fifty life points; I don’t even need to use a defensive card. No, wait; there’s no better time to use . . .”

SQ to HS: “. . . my Christians Should Be Loving and Nice card! Ha ha, you fool, your Passion For Truth card only works halfway. And I have another card to play . . . it’s called the Cowardice card!”

HS: “Your Cowardice card takes away one hundred and fifty of my life points. However, I’d sooner block your Christians Should Be Loving and Nice card with my Great Paradox card and take away a small number of your life points than keep a larger number of my own life points. As for offensive cards, I’m playing Professor Snape. You also lose one hundred and fifty life points.”

SQ to self: “He’s crazy! He’s killing me and not defending himself! And it’s working, too!”

SQ TO HS: “How do you like my Ambiguity card?”

HS: “You wuss! I knew you wouldn’t have any defense for a card as rare as Snape! See how you like The Snip! But only after my Postmodernism defensive card, which weakens your Ambiguity card by being aware of a better way to know some things and not know some things!”

SQ: “Cowardice!”

HS: “You fool, I have the Truth as a defense card!”

SQ: “Blast! Well, you only had one of your rare cards you got from you Calvinist friends, so you’ll never be able to block my second Apathy card!”

HS to self: “He had two Apathy cards! I’ve never heard of such a thing! Well, we’ll see how he deals with new DBU students who aren’t apathetic.”

HS to SQ: “I play Call Me Christian as a defensive card, and the Snipe Essays Section as an offensive card! You’re down to five hundred life points!”

SQ: “(obscenities deleted)! But I have the Complacency card!”

HS: “Subjective Truth Section Satire card!”

SQ: “Bad Grammar card!”

HS: “Writing Center defensive card, and the Better Baptist Bureau offensive card!”

SQ: “Infantile Chapel Messages card!”

HS: “Crash Override’s Essay card, for defense, and for offense, I play the DBU Snipe Hunter Card!”

SQ: “NO! THE DBU SNIPE HUNTER WAS MY OFFENSIVE CARD!”

HS: “That’s where you’re wrong, Status Quo. You thought the DBU Snipe Hunter was the enemy of the Snipe site just because he voices dissent. You don’t understand, however, how important free speech is to the purpose of the Snipe site. Don’t you understand that the DBU Snipe site succeeds every time someone emails dissent? Your life points are at minus ten! Mine are at four hundred! I win!”

SQ: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkk…………(cough)………(cough)…….…….”