A celebrity Jeopardy! sketch, authored by Piccolo
this... is... JEOPARDY!

Alex: ..And welcome back to celebrity Jeopardy. If for some reason you're still watching, our guests this evening are Sean Connery with -$300, Dilandau Alboutou with $666, and Dr. Evil with a whopping zero.

Alex: I'm really not sure how Mr. Connery slipped past security--

Connery: It's my Q Branch Watch, Trebek! It makes me invisible when I hit this button!

Alex: That's not a "Q Branch Watch", Mr. Connery, it's some old, dirty rope, which you probably stole because you haven't made a good movie in nearly a decade.

Connery: I be not accused of such thievery!

Alex: Moving on, Dilandau tore up the competition in our last round in the "Flammable Objects" category, while Mr. Evil--

Dr Evil: DOCTOR Evil! I didn't spend so long in Evil Medical School to be called Mister thank you very much.

Alex: If I get interrupted one more time I swear I am going to send you all to the fiery pits of hell.

Dilandau: MOEROOOO!!!!!!

Alex: And we all know that means "Burn" because the judges have translated that for us so many times. Our categories for this most arduous round are:

Topography, Potent Potables, The Desert, Animal Sounds, Toys, Letters, and Your Name.

Alex: Dilandau, you currently have control of the board.

Dilandau: (strokes a scar on his face repeatedly for several minutes)

Alex: Mr. Connery, you can talk, why don't you pick a category?

Connery: I'll pick one when I'm good and ready ya' HEATHEN!

Alex: Dr. Evil?

Dr. Evil: I'm rather hungry, so I'll take the desert for five hundred... (snickers, and looks around)

Dilandau: ...

Connery: ...

Alex: ...

Dr. Evil: And of course my "desert" I mean both the after-meal snack as well as a dry, sandy plain, it's a homonym....

Alex: Right. "If you were to touch a cactus, this would happen to you."

(Dilandau slams his fist on the buzzer)

Alex: Miss... uh, Mr... um... Albatou?

Dilandau: Chikuuuuu......

Alex: Judges? A translation? Ah, "Prick"... guess that's acceptable. Once again, Dilandau, you have control of the board.

Dilandau: Chesta?? Gumiel?!? Miguel...??!

Alex: Why don't I pick for you? Let's try "Your Name" for 100.

(No one speaks, Connery strokes his beard, Dr. Evil holds his pinky to his lip)

Alex: Anyone?

(Dilandau grips his face with both hands)

Alex: I see you're trying, Dilandau, why not give it a shot?

Dilandau: boku wa dirandau... watashi wa serena... boku wa dirandau... watashi wa serena... GRAAAAAHAHHH!!!!

Alex: Judges? Hmm, it appears you're undecided, but since you guessed we'll have to take some of your money.

Dilandau: NANI?!

Connery: Don't fret me good man, 'sonly a hundred, you can make it back like that!

(Dilandau holds up Connery by his collar)

Dilandau: omae ni boku no kokoro no ita ga wakaruno kai!!

Connery: Get yer grimy mitts offa me, ya she-man!

Alex: Was that some death threat? Do we need security here?

(a judge talks to Alex)

Alex: Ah, you merely said "You do not feel the pain in my heart...?" Moving on--

Dr. Evil: I'll take the juvenile topic of Animal Noises for five hundred, Mr. Trebek....

Alex: It's not your turn, but since no one else here seems to be participating, here goes:

(A Dog's bark is heard)

(Dr. Evil slams his fist quickly on the buzzer)

Alex: Dr. Evil?

Dr. Evil: Dog.

Alex: That is correct! Congratulations!

Dr. Evil: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! My plan is working flawlessly...!

Connery: What are ye laughin' at, ya bald headed freakazoid!?

Dr. Evil: Here's the plan... I sweep the board, and win...

Dr. Evil: ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!

(Alex clears his throat)

Alex: Dr. Evil, getting a thousand isn't all that difficult in this game, in fact most contestants of normal intelligence get that frequently.

Dr. Evil: Oh, Hell. What do I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here!

Alex: I belive you've got that the other way around, in fact, we're paying $10,000 even if you don't do anythin--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: I'm just trying to clarify the situation--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: But--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: Now--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: Don't---

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: Well I may as well just throw this board up for grabs, anyone?

Connery: I'll take the Top o' Graphy, is she a fine lookin' lass?

Alex: Mr. Connery, that's Topography, or landscape.... you know what? Screw this, let's move on to final Jeopardy.

Alex: OK, our final topic is "Do You Breathe Air?" It should be a given that you all do, so good luck.

(Jeopardy theme Music plays, of course, as contestants write down their answer)

Alex: We may as well check to see what you've all done, if for nothing else than to abide by the rules.

(Alex walks up to Connery)

Alex: Mr. Connery, your answer? "Dog". No, Mr. Connery, that was the answer to a previous question.

Connery: I'll be the result of a monkey's night out with a goat if that's not the right answer!

Alex: It was a right answer, Mr. Connery, but not for this question.

Connery: Curse the system! Curse the federal government! I'm moving back home to jolly good Scotland, and get another assignment from M!

Alex: Mr Connery, M, and Q are fictional characters in a movie series you once were in.

Connery: Fine then, I'm going to play some Goldeneye! I kick arse at that game!

Alex: Right. And Dilandau? Your answer? A bunch of Japanese characters I see, repeated over and over... Your wager? ... I see, the same ones... guess we'll need the judges help on that one.. Oh? They say it's "Chiku" repeated, that's not an acceptable answer. Well, I guess we can't take any money away from you because you never made a wager using numbers...

Dilandau: 'Keh... Hehehehehhhh. HAHAHAHAHA! HUAHAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!

Alex: Moving on to Dr. Evil, let's see your answer... "Where is Mr. Biggleswoth?" What?

Dr. Evil: It is to my understanding that you phrase your answer in the form of a question on this game show...

Alex: You do, but none of you have tried to previously, and that's not the right answer anyway!

Dr. Evil: WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY FRICKIN' IDIOTS?!?

Alex: I'm glad that ordeal is over. Join us next time on Jeopardy, when you'll have a new host, because I am going to jump off a bridge. Good night.

alseid [ a b o u t | d i l a n d a u | f u n s t u f f | l i n k s | c o n t a c t | m a i n ]


alseid and alseid 'naruto @' logo © 2000 hanako
we do not claim to own escaflowne, dilandau, serena, dr. evil, or any other fictional person, place, thing, or idea we might have made reference to. they are the property of their creators, yadda yadda yadda, you get the point. this is a disclaimer and stuff.
all images are made by me [hanako]. all pictures of dilandau used on this page are scanned by hanako [except where otherwised mentioned]. all 'official' dilandau art is obtained from the 'vision of escaflowne' art book released by sunrise.
alseid was created by both dilandeau and hanako utilizing raw html. we don't believe in editors mainly because html is fun ^^
please ask permission to use anything on this site. thanks!