Alex: ..And welcome back to celebrity Jeopardy. If for some reason you're still watching, our guests this evening are Sean Connery with -$300, Dilandau Alboutou with $666, and Dr. Evil with a whopping zero.

Alex: I'm really not sure how Mr. Connery slipped past security--

Connery: It's my Q Branch Watch, Trebek! It makes me invisible when I hit this button!

Alex: That's not a "Q Branch Watch", Mr. Connery, it's some old, dirty rope, which you probably stole because you haven't made a good movie in nearly a decade.

Connery: I be not accused of such thievery!

Alex: Moving on, Dilandau tore up the competition in our last round in the "Flammable Objects" category, while Mr. Evil--

Dr Evil: DOCTOR Evil! I didn't spend so long in Evil Medical School to be called Mister thank you very much.

Alex: If I get interrupted one more time I swear I am going to send you all to the fiery pits of hell.

Dilandau: MOEROOOO!!!!!!

Alex: And we all know that means "Burn" because the judges have translated that for us so many times. Our categories for this most arduous round are:

Topography, Potent Potables, The Desert, Animal Sounds, Toys, Letters, and Your Name.

Alex: Dilandau, you currently have control of the board.

Dilandau: (strokes a scar on his face repeatedly for several minutes)

Alex: Mr. Connery, you can talk, why don't you pick a category?

Connery: I'll pick one when I'm good and ready ya' HEATHEN!

Alex: Dr. Evil?

Dr. Evil: I'm rather hungry, so I'll take the desert for five hundred... (snickers, and looks around)

Dilandau: ...

Connery: ...

Alex: ...

Dr. Evil: And of course my "desert" I mean both the after-meal snack as well as a dry, sandy plain, it's a homonym....

Alex: Right. "If you were to touch a cactus, this would happen to you."

(Dilandau slams his fist on the buzzer)

Alex: Miss... uh, Mr... um... Albatou?

Dilandau: Chikuuuuu......

Alex: Judges? A translation? Ah, "Prick"... guess that's acceptable. Once again, Dilandau, you have control of the board.

Dilandau: Chesta?? Gumiel?!? Miguel...??!

Alex: Why don't I pick for you? Let's try "Your Name" for 100.

(No one speaks, Connery strokes his beard, Dr. Evil holds his pinky to his lip)

Alex: Anyone?

(Dilandau grips his face with both hands)

Alex: I see you're trying, Dilandau, why not give it a shot?

Dilandau: boku wa dirandau... watashi wa serena... boku wa dirandau... watashi wa serena... GRAAAAAHAHHH!!!!

Alex: Judges? Hmm, it appears you're undecided, but since you guessed we'll have to take some of your money.

Dilandau: NANI?!

Connery: Don't fret me good man, 'sonly a hundred, you can make it back like that!

(Dilandau holds up Connery by his collar)

Dilandau: omae ni boku no kokoro no ita ga wakaruno kai!!

Connery: Get yer grimy mitts offa me, ya she-man!

Alex: Was that some death threat? Do we need security here?

(a judge talks to Alex)

Alex: Ah, you merely said "You do not feel the pain in my heart...?" Moving on--

Dr. Evil: I'll take the juvenile topic of Animal Noises for five hundred, Mr. Trebek....

Alex: It's not your turn, but since no one else here seems to be participating, here goes:

(A Dog's bark is heard)

(Dr. Evil slams his fist quickly on the buzzer)

Alex: Dr. Evil?

Dr. Evil: Dog.

Alex: That is correct! Congratulations!

Dr. Evil: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! My plan is working flawlessly...!

Connery: What are ye laughin' at, ya bald headed freakazoid!?

Dr. Evil: Here's the plan... I sweep the board, and win...

Dr. Evil: ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!

(Alex clears his throat)

Alex: Dr. Evil, getting a thousand isn't all that difficult in this game, in fact most contestants of normal intelligence get that frequently.

Dr. Evil: Oh, Hell. What do I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here!

Alex: I belive you've got that the other way around, in fact, we're paying $10,000 even if you don't do anythin--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: I'm just trying to clarify the situation--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: But--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: Now--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: Don't---

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Alex: Well I may as well just throw this board up for grabs, anyone?

Connery: I'll take the Top o' Graphy, is she a fine lookin' lass?

Alex: Mr. Connery, that's Topography, or landscape.... you know what? Screw this, let's move on to final Jeopardy.

Alex: OK, our final topic is "Do You Breathe Air?" It should be a given that you all do, so good luck.

(Jeopardy theme Music plays, of course, as contestants write down their answer)

Alex: We may as well check to see what you've all done, if for nothing else than to abide by the rules.

(Alex walks up to Connery)

Alex: Mr. Connery, your answer? "Dog". No, Mr. Connery, that was the answer to a previous question.

Connery: I'll be the result of a monkey's night out with a goat if that's not the right answer!

Alex: It was a right answer, Mr. Connery, but not for this question.

Connery: Curse the system! Curse the federal government! I'm moving back home to jolly good Scotland, and get another assignment from M!

Alex: Mr Connery, M, and Q are fictional characters in a movie series you once were in.

Connery: Fine then, I'm going to play some Goldeneye! I kick arse at that game!

Alex: Right. And Dilandau? Your answer? A bunch of Japanese characters I see, repeated over and over... Your wager? ... I see, the same ones... guess we'll need the judges help on that one.. Oh? They say it's "Chiku" repeated, that's not an acceptable answer. Well, I guess we can't take any money away from you because you never made a wager using numbers...

Dilandau: 'Keh... Hehehehehhhh. HAHAHAHAHA! HUAHAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!

Alex: Moving on to Dr. Evil, let's see your answer... "Where is Mr. Biggleswoth?" What?

Dr. Evil: It is to my understanding that you phrase your answer in the form of a question on this game show...

Alex: You do, but none of you have tried to previously, and that's not the right answer anyway!

Dr. Evil: WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY FRICKIN' IDIOTS?!?

Alex: I'm glad that ordeal is over. Join us next time on Jeopardy, when you'll have a new host, because I am going to jump off a bridge. Good night.