Trebek: Hello, and welcome to yet another godawful round of Celebrity Jeopardy. For those of you who are putting yourselves through the torture of watching this program, I'll introduce the contestants.


Trebek: Dilandu returns from our previous game with a whopping $15. He wouldn't have come back here under normal circumstances, but he threatened to set the studio on fire.

Dilandu: MOECHAEEEE!!!

Trebek: Right. New in tonight's game is a man who goes by the name of Golgo 13. He is currently at -$5000 because he never answers any questions after he buzzes in. Any reason why, Golgo?

Golgo: .....

Trebek: Of course. Our final "contestant" tonight is Pikachu. It also is at the mind numbingly low score of -$7000 because of some sort of speech impediment.

Pikachu: Pika-pi! Pikachu! Pikaaaa!

Trebek: Awww. Well, Because I've got nothing else to do, I may as well introduce the categories. They are:

Trebek: The Periodic Table, History, Furry Animals, Single-digit Addition, Television Characters... You know what? I doubt none of you are paying any attention anyway, so I'm not going to finish. Dilandu, you have control of the board, why don't you attempt to pick one?

Dilandu points a shaking finger in the general direction of the board.

Trebek: What? I can't... OK, let's try Furry animals for $100. Name this animal.



Dilandu's eyes light up, and he slams on the buzzer.

Dilandu: JAJUKAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Trebek jumps. Trebek: What the hell? I don't know if I should take money away from you because I fear for my life... so I'll just leave it sit for now. Care to pick another one, Dilandu?

Dilandu: JAJUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa....!!!! (makes hacking noises)

Trebek: Periodic table. Let's just do the Periodic table, alright? For $200: Name the symbol for Phosphorus. It's a single letter. You have a 1 out of 26 chance, okay? Good luck.

Pikachu presses the buzzer, which his short little arm can barely reach.

Trebek: Pikachu?



Trebek: Oh my God, you got one right! Great job!! Dare you try your luck again?

Pikachu: Pikachu!

Trebek: Why not try Television Characters? Name this widely known character from a children's television program.



Dilandu: MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Trebek: Dilandu, you didn't even buzz in! And that's not the right answer either! Why does that phrase constitute eighty percent of your speech??

Trebek: All right, let's try history. This famous general was first in the hearts of his countrymen and wore wooden teeth. Anyone? This is basic stuff, people.

Pikachu stares off in the distance. Golgo 13 smokes a cigarette while also staring off into the distance. Dilandu weeps.

Trebek: Anyone?

Golgo calmly presses the buzzer.

Trebek: Ah, Mr. Golgo!

Golgo: .....

Trebek: WHY WON'T YOU TALK?!? YOU FREAKING MUTE!!!

Pikachu: Chaa....

Pikachu hops up and sits on Alex's shoulder. It tries to console him.

Pikachu: Pika, pika-pi pikachu!

Golgo throws the cigarette away. He pulls out a large sniper rifle, and screws on a sight. He raises the gun, and looks through the site at Trebek.



Golgo fires. Pikachu is shot and explodes violently. Trebek is covered with blood, and screams. A cheer erupts from the studio audience, and across the nation. Golgo puts the rifle away and starts up another cigarette.



Trebek: Ahhh!!! Ahh!!! Let's just get his over with as soon as possible, because I have defecated in my pants. Our Final Jeopardy question is simply Name your favorite color. I don't know what it could be, anything is acceptable! Mo..Mommy!

The lights go dark as the Jeopardy theme drones on. A scream is heard from Dilandu.



Dilandu: Boku wa nani o shiteirunda?!

The lights come back on.

Trebek: This stain and bits of fur are never going to come out-- Ah, we're back. Let's see what our remaining contestants wrote, shall we?

Trebek walks over to Golgo's podium.

Trebek: Since you apparently can't speak, did you happen to write anything?

Golgo: ....

Trebek: Let's see your wager... A series of dots? And your answer is a series of dots as well... Ok, moving on...

Golgo puts the hand that is not holding the cigarette into a jacket pocket, and walks out of the studio.

Trebek: Please! Golgo! We're not through here-- forget it. Alright, Dilandu-- Um, Dilandu??

Dilandu has reverted to Serena form. She is chewing on the podium.

Trebek: You freak... did you happen to write anything legible? In English this time?

Dilandu's wager and answer is a detailed picture of Allen Schezar.

Trebek: And this is...?

Serena momentarily stops chewing the podium. She turns to Trebek, and her eyes light up and grow big.

Serena: Oniisama!!

Trebek: Whatever. This is Alex Trebek, and I give up. Where did Golgo leave that gun...


** fin **


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