15 MARCH
Came in from the club and checked e-mails at 3:15. What a wonderful surprise to see one from you, Mr B! Even though I did request it, I completely forgot all about it. My answer, the long one, is contained here in: Yes, I felt it too. Its wonderful to be able to explain Deja Vu. I've been quietly scolded by a very good friend about the Third eye appearing on this page. But how can I turn my back on an inherent part of me? Its been a feeling I've been harbouring since the first day we had the discussion about pennance, now well a month into our past. You are a dear soulmate and the tread is shining brighly in my mind. You have been fortunate enough experience more life experiences or otherwise your soul searching bussiness went better than planned, because in a sense the two souls have outgrown each other in maturity, and I can only pray that I too, will one day reach that level of existence. take my soul with you on your journeys, and my heart will follow...”

A thought..

Pain is a funny thing. Ive noticed that people who are hurt, have these eloborate defense mechanisms. (I'm one of them). But why hurt others in order to protect yourselve. Dont you just add fuel to this all consuming fire?

but then, who am I to cast a stone...

SUNDAY 16 MARCH

What a wonderful night last night has been.. so contradicting in itself. I'm being confronted with issues in my life which I thought was arbit, but in reflect it seems quite the opposite. Had a small unreasonable tiff with someone about accepting kind words. I always seem to hate kind words, that is when they are directed towards me. So the reaction of the other person bothered me a bit, but not for long, I was on irc, and next to pop up on my screen, is my ex. Wonderful, under an assumed name of course, but I knew it was him. Oh well, so the terrorising continues.... Will I ever have a good nights rest? Somewhere some God heard my plea, because while Gary was probing my whereabouts and other "useful" information, I started thatting to someone here in town. Immediately I realised it was the guy I thought is hot. So I told him I knew who he was and so forth and we decided to go on a "Date". The feelings he aroused in me at previous sightings was pure animalistic. I envisioned making hard and sweaty love to him, like we all do when we see a nice guy. Picked him up from his place, and immediately sensed his being. So absolutely different from what I expected! He actually had more than 3 brain cells. Studied Psycology at Cambridge and knew far to much of interesting things and had the most wonderful alternate viewpoints on mainstream issues. Thus so it came that we sat outside the club discussing religeon and the role science plays in strangling the world as it should be. Bringing together new knowledge and old knowledge so that Man can survive. Obviously we were greeted by almost every one in club, seeing that I once again was with someone every body else wanted. God I hate that!

I was dumstruck. I could not utter one remotely educated word... was more content to just listen as taking in the vibe that surounded him. Like a vampire craving each and every droplet of information and personality that just oozed out of him. making sure that nothing gets spilt in the process. Inbetween, feelings of desire as I sat next to him wanting to touch, wanting to rather be alone out of the crowd... not even dancing as I usually do. Had one beer and then Valpre... another first! Trying to cut down on the smoking, since he doesnt, and his chest was weazy due to the different in climate. He's been here three weeks now from London. We went for a walk in the Waterfront and then decided to call it a night. And what a night it turned out to be (ROSH,eat your heart out! :) )

Went home and he went through my little library, commenting on "Abnormal Psycology" being filed next to the "Erotica" set. It was cute. We grabbed a book each out of the erotica set and went to sit-lay on the bed, commenting on the weird but wonderful art contained between the pages. Everything was perfect. Feelings of hapiness and utter content went through me and felt peace and homeliness for the first time in many months. Quietly he came and lie down beside me and we were just thinking. Each with his own thoughts. The art of making love was being fullfilled last night. Not the wam bam thank u maam kind, but rather a process of no particular design. I still dont know how it started, I suppose allready when he got into the car, and it sure hasnt finished....

MONDAY 16 MARCH

What a quiet day this has been... i"m not even in the mood for you, dear diary. My new found friend is in bed with Pneumonia.. not neccesarrilly all my fault.. and I am placid. O yes, something way out did happen today, but its gonna take so much explaining.. and I dont know if I have the will to explain everything tonight. Lets try. A very special friend walked into my door this afternoon from Australia. Totally unannounced.. I actually thought that I will never see him again. Saw him last about eight months ago, before he left for Tasmania. He is a clinical psycologist in Hobart. Anyway, I was speechless for a minute or two, because he was my erm,, how shall I say, big affair of 2002. If he didnt go away, no one will know what could have happened, hence the shock of seeing him again. He will be in town for a few days doing the final touch ups on his docterate at the univercity, but I'm not sure whether I want to see too much of him. I stiil think of him a lot, I actually read a card that he gave me not 15 minutes before he walked through that door.

There is definately some weird things happening in my life at the moment, and I am not to sure how to approach it. Johan, Jannie, Jonathan, all people who help me with wonderful insight in my life, but its getting a bit hectic at the moment. I do not pray for it to stop, but a slower pace will be appeciated.. I'm sure that I am coming close to that special thing the Universe has planned for me, because I'm getting ripped apart inside to better myself.

TUESDAY 18 MARCH 2003

Started working on the company website today, not much happening, except a busy busy busy day thats all. I'm glad the day is quiet.

WEDNESDAY 19 MARCH

Today I am totaly disillussioned with gay life in Bloemfontein. I have had the opportunity to experience life in many cities... PE, George, Cape Town, Pretoria, Johannesburgh... but nowhere have I seen quite the things I'm seeing here. One of the problems in Bloem is that most of the people here are queens, the only other place where I saw so many effeminate men in one room was in Cape Town, but even there at least they try to act butch. Now one of the big drawbacks when you have so many queens in one place, is that no rather straight acting man can consider himself safe, especially if he is new in town. What once was a joke, does not seem funny anymore.

Lets say for instance, this new guy walks into the little joint they have here for entertainment. The Kaweens will swoon and scatter and try to look available, most of them are anyway. If he has less morals than the average bar counter, he is guarenteed of sex every night of the month, and then it'l be over too.

Cause then he would have had most of the better looking ones in town. Should he however take the more choosy route, chances are good that he will be discussed in private, with topics such as dick size, stamina, his social sucess, what car he drives, etc. Should he, in the open, date someone that they all loathe for same above mentioned reasons, the fat will be in the fire, because, why can that guy get him and not they??.. So what do they do?.. Spread stories of the "sexual successes" of the poor guy, make him out to be the whore of the town! The fact that it doesnt coincide with their apparent loathing of a person, does not register with them, unless they all sick and likes to get fucked by people that they dont like.

This is Bloem, and I am very very tired of it.

I love to be serious, and I love to party, but I think I'll frequent the straight orientated places Bloem has to offer.. Hopefully the heterosexually disadvantaged community does not have so many hang ups...

Talking bout disatvantaged......... the Americans have another great day in history unfolding.. Tonight their thoughtful president will be hosting a free for all special on CNN. Its a war story with real life special effects. Everybody is rushing out to stock up on sodas and pop corn. Every decade or so, the presidency organise a show for the American people, because it is a well known fact that it keeps the people happy and it is extremely good for the economy of the country. Lots of jobs are created because they really loose planes, tanks and people. ONE HECK OF A GAME! Hope we don't inhale the fumes though.....

Today has been a funny day... yet again. Me being pissed off with moffies in general and the talk I had with Jonathan all brings things a bit together for me. Why must one always "hang" with gay people to feel complete? Jonathan is a weird friend. I'm not sure how he fits into the gay thing, but I dont really care. In my mind, I always thought of him as a very understanding straight person, I rather think now of him as an asexual higher state of being-like person who transends the sexual barriers set by carnal man. He is a young but wonderful friend, and i am truly thankful for the support he gives me.

HUMAN RIGHTS DAY

Farce or fiction?

Funny how fast the season changes.. Four days ago we were all complaining about the terrible heat, then the rain came,,, softly at first, but gradually changing into a torrent of water from the heavens washing everything brand spanking new, shiny smooth trees and roof tops glimmering in the white clouds. Last night, the hail came. All of a sudden it was cold. In ten minutes, the hail stripped trees and shrubs of extra leaves, leaving the streets littered with twigs and corpses of trees. Big and small it pelted down on man and animal, plants and gravel, making everything small and insignificant before the heavens. And this morning, I saw yellowing leaves for the first time this year. Making sure its not off a damaged branch, I realised the whole creeper is going yellow, the leaves taking on a perculiar rubbery texture, as if to shield itself from imminent death. Event though the sun was shining brightly through the disapearing storm clouds, the nippyness in the air was evident. At last time for decent clothes again I thought, making a mental note to dig around in the car for the gloves I left under the seat last winter.

I have completely cooled down when I think of the "moffie incident". The decission to let things rest has been a good one, even though I have a good mind and i think I can do well to Donner the one who started it all. I havent spoken to the new friend since Wednesday, and the weather has been bad, so I hope in a way it is all due to his illness. Even if it is not so, I am not gonna persue this matter any further. I would like to believe that I'm no more worse off or better off, which ever one would apply, to the next guy if it comes to my private life. I have nothing to hide, but if anyone wants to believe rumours about me, it is totally up to them. I'm not gonna defend any rumours, it really is beneath me. A person who knows just a little about me would be able to make up his or her mind without inteference from my side, and be that not the case, then it is meant to be.

As such, I went out with my friends last night and as per usual, we ended up at the notorious moffie joint. Hahaaha, I drank Valprè, since I still felt shitty after Wednesday's over indulgence. Life is good, but I do think I need more sleep! Working 11 hours a day and then still going out for the fourth time in the week, is getting hazardous. If I keep on at this pace, I'll have to start thinking about anti wrinkle creams! Talking of which, Wickus (a very cute 19 year old) last night thought I was younger than his 25 year old boyfriend. Some people just know how to win my heart...

SATURDAY 22 MARCH

I read a beautiful poem this morning by Rudyard Kipling

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men about you,

but make allowance of their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting;

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies;

Or being hated, don't give away to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Truimph and disaster

and treat thos two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virue,

Or walk with Kings - nor loose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

LIFE IS WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUNDAY 22 MARCH 203

Rogers & Piano designed a building known as the Pompidou Centre in Paris. A bold statement in glass and steel with huge external Aircondioning pipes, the building always had a mysitical quality for me. It is still one of the most beautiful buildings I have seen and my dream is one day to stand inside it and perhaps get clarity on this strange love affair. Ever since i was a young boy, i had strange memories and recollections about France. At the age of 10, I followed the old family tree to a certain Guiliame Nel who arrived in the cape in 1790. I always thought that I will one day name my son after him - but Luca was the name chosen by his mother - which is very nice too.

It must be so terrible for him. He must now be fourteen years old, staying in some little Karoo town with his mom and grandma. Last time I've seen him, he was a two year old boy, just out of hospital with Pneumonia and asthma. The image that was burnt in my that day was his little feet, definate features relating to his dad. I sometimes so wish to know whether he is ok. His mother wasnt the best of people, but everone can change, I think. Somehow in her case, I dont think so though. There was something definate about her, as if it was programmed into her genes, something wild, that once attracted me, but which meant trouble and indicated her bad qualities. She's probably still working at the local CNA, struggling to make ends meet with her boy and the weird family. On the other hand... she WAS a cunning woman. Had many devious little schemes to attract a man of substance. Perhaps she found a sucker and is now a placid little housewife in a shitty sububan area in PE or East London.

Wow! I was blessed this morning! As I woke up, I lay with my eyes closed for a while, as I usually do.... just listening. The wind was rustling through the trees and I heard birds singing. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then I opened my eyes...

The first thing I see when I open my eyes is the garden and pool area through the patio door. I made sure to place my bed that way. Everywhere I looked, I saw hundreds of white butterflies! I was amazed!! This is the best dream I've had in many months. But it was'nt a dream. Darting in the strong breeze over the pool, racing the ripples on the water... then shooting straight up in the sky like some kamikaze pilot, only to be swept towards me as soon as they hit the wind gushing over the garden wall,... fluttering to try and keep up with the appearance, and then jerkingly lowering their altitude behind the relative protection of the wall.

It is the unexpectedness of the experience that made me realise once again how wonderful life is. There is so many beautiful things duplicating itself around the world at any given moment, but how many times does people see it and if they do,... are they so busy or hurt that it cannot touch their hearts..?

Reality is sometimes so sad, I put on the radio and the latest reports fom Baghdad comes rushing over the air, the Americans proudly bombing Iraq and while the Iraquee Information Minister tells the world how they got some Americans pinned down in a burrough and the only way they will be able to get out, is when they are carried out in body bags.

Such hate...

Don't people realise there is no clear winner in any war? For every death on either side, there will be a family mourning for eternity... a kid will grow up without his daddy, perhaps even growing up with a righteous hate towards the "other side". I would like to tell the American President: "You can't fix a wrong with a wrong goddammit!!"But alas, this has always been the american way of doing things. The self righteous self-appointed guardians of democracy. Is it not funny that the Statue of Liberty was given to the American people by the French government???.. and what happened yesterday??? Bloomingdales in New York throws out all French products onto the street to show their disgust with France's stance on the war! Perhaps the Americans must reflect and think about the symbolism of the Statue of Liberty. The French did the Americans a great service when they donated the statue. Now it is conveniently forgotten, or worse even, it has become a symbol to make the country feel better about killing people for economic reasons

Shame on you America! Vive la France!!

Later on in the day, I picked out the corpses of butterflies as they ebbed against the Kreepy's pipe in the pool.... and I felt the urge to bury them..

TUESDAY 25 MARCH 2003

Last night while I was working, I got a cat. Or rather the cat got me. I don’t really like cats, since they continually shed hair and they like to scratch the furniture. But this one I immediately liked. Pitch black… my favorite color. So I called him Jonah so that I can bestow on him al the love I have to give. It turned out to be a “her” afterwards. But Jonathan wants to be godfather, so the name stays. Little Jonah is very naughty. While I was closing the shop, she walked over the keyboard and sent a weird message to Andre, who didn’t think it was funny. And she crawled under my jersey and fell asleep on my neck.

SO….. In future, I’ll refer to Jonah as Jonah and other Jonah as JD. Heheheheee!

Talking about J.D….

You have the most preciously stunning voice. (It helps that all French things intrigue me)
You said so many special things that I will not mention now due to the openness of this diary, but which I will carry forever in my heart. And you made me think… of what you said.

I am truly thankful that you take such an understanding stance towards the things you’ve heard. Again, the bad side of my personal life is confronting me. Why do I have to act like an easy guy? Perhaps to shy away from the hurt? The same reason Animus Ice is a foul-mouthed jerk who likes to boast about his sexual experiences? I am the Dreamer Guy. Not anybody else. I need to sort this out. Even though some of the stories are true, ok, most of them are… it needs to be put in perspective. I don’t find any of it out of the ordinary – but -

I pray for the day that I meet the one who will make me want to give it all exclusively to him. Perhaps I’m searching in the wrong way. But all I know is, I yearn for caring. Someone to hold me tightly at night, looking up to the sky and who will enjoy with me what God has put there for us. Loneliness is a bummer. It makes you go out and look for encounters which turns out one hundred percent carnal and which lasts no longer than the average orgasm, unless you come first… then the tedious moments to get the “object” off you and out of your sight.

Once in a while there is a flicker of hope that this can still be attained but not for long. I usually meet someone nice, but after a while the novelty wears off. Nothing wrong on their part, but I suppose, you can’t always have want you want, or rather, you cant expect qualities of a long lost love to be in everyone you meet. The qualities I am longing for, is caring, understanding, quiet determination, and on the physical side, masculine yet soft, with a smile that can move mountains. Wouldn’t that be great?! Actually a person who exhibits those qualities, exist and hopefully he knows that I am aware of his being, because this is being written just for him.

You are someone I could fall for indefinitely, but there is too many things that will keep us apart. We have discussed it, but coffee will be great!!

(The Dreamer Smiles)

WEDNESDAY 26 MARCH 2003

I was reading through the new Verseboek last night and found a poem that is so beautiful, I just have to put it in here. It is written by woman by the name of Walda Jansen...

jou naam is

in koerante.

jou naam is

op die tonge

van mense

jou naam

is op my lippe.

jou naam is

waar jy nie is nie.

I appreciate a poet who manage to say so much in so little words. This lady truly understand what it feels like to love someone who is not there anymore.

SATURDAY 29 MARCH 2003

I’m not sure what to do. My special friend JD is such a naïve guy in a nice way. And he wants to do me a favor that I cannot accept. So much so that he gets frustrated with me saying no the whole time. I’m very new at this whole complimenting thing and it is difficult to accept things as they come to me. He is such an honest person and as such he believes that everything in life is too. I am so grateful for knowing him and I wish so much that I could just hold him close to me. Today he was a gem in life’s crown. He was a gentleman like always, but he made me smile many times. His uncomplicated humor and little euro centric mannerisms is absolutely foreign to me, which make him all the more appealing.
Today has been a difficult day so far, because I was remembering Marius. Every song playing is something that we enjoyed together, or something that reminds me so much of him. Beautiful in My Eyes, a song he sang to me, Unbreak my heart, a song we danced closely as we promised each other we will never do… and yet it happened. Roberta Flack,.. The first time ever I saw your face, speaking for itself, and alas, Teardrops by Womack & Womack. Footsteps on the dance floor, remind me baby of you, and the music don’t feel like it did when I felt it with you. I’m afraid to want love like that again, I will not handle another loss again, but my heart aches for it. The closeness of someone who loves me unconditionally and who I can love and respect for what he is.

You’re my peace of mind
In this crazy world
U every thing I try to find
Your love is a pearl
You’re my Mona Lisa
You’re my rainbow sky
And my only prayer
Is that you’ll realize
You will always be beautiful
In my eyes

Jannie.... Pip… well well well, you amaze me too. There is actually someone behind that little joker. I really enjoyed the chat we had this morning, and it gave me some insight into his mind, though I suspect that he tried to “con” me into saying something about my true feelings about a specific subject. Hehehe, I know for a while now where his real interest is laying, and I wish him all the best. He is making an excellent choice. Further more I rather not say in here. So this is Saturday afternoon and I am really tired. So I will lie down a bit and hope that the blues will go away. Tonight will probably have an interesting twist, as the last few Saturdays had without fail.

SUNDAY 30 MARCH 2003

Yes so its sunday. The morning after. Way out evening last night, with this cute girl who came to be outside and started talking. I kissed her softly because it felt right, and i enjoyed it. it was exillitating, yet not sexual in the way that I am used to. I still didnt have any urges to do more than the kiss. I did however take a gay home with me. From Reds. Not bad at all but not the future partner.

My heart is sore today because a friend disapointed more than I think I can bear. Disapointment is part of life and something that you get used to over the years, but there are instances where you feel so betrayed by someone that you dont want to trust any one else again. If you doubt ones motives at first and then later on trust them, u grow to believe like a child. When that trust is shatered, it leaves a gaping wound that will not be healed completely again. I could have warned him that he shouldnt ever play that game with me, but I had no idea. Now he will feel the full brunt of my anger.

MONDAY 31 MARCH 2003

Its always fair to sleep on something like the problem i faced yesterday. Today I feel a bit better about the whole thing, not happy, but not as angry as yesterday. Who am I to accuse him of the things I've heard. Don't we all make the same mistakes some time or another? I have before, not in such a suave fashion, but still. Some people are just very good at what they do, whether it is something wrong or right. So I decided that I will discuss the whole issue with him and hear his side of the story. Give him the chance I didnt want to give him earlier. And if things dont work out after the talk, then its one of those things.

Got this pic today and thought it was absolutely wonderful!

The reason why America has trouble locating Bin Laden

Copyright Reserved 2003 Louis Nell