If you have been the object of an Ex Parte’ order, you are experiencing a lot of emotional pain. Emotional pain is an experience that can be so deep that all other forms of physical pain pale in comparison. Unlike physical pain that does go away with either time, healing or anesthesia and can not be felt in its original intensity from memory, emotional pain from the same event can be felt repeatedly. You find yourself reliving the moment over and over again initiated at chance suggestion, seeing an object, hearing a voice or sound, talking to person, or having a disagreement. This pain comes in waves, varying in intensity.

The situation is very much like a death of a close family member. You go through the grieving process like any other loss in life. The process starts with grief, proceeds to denial, then anger and finally acceptance. Remember, eventually you will come through the situation. You may not be able to see that from where you stand right now. It may seem that you are at the bottom of a deep well, but eventually you will climb out. There is hope, take it from those who have gone before you.

How you handle the loss process will determine whether you see yourself as a victim or as an survivor. Will your acceptance be one of seeing yourself as a victim to circumstances outside your control or will it be one of overcoming adversity by employing your ability to survive? The difference between being a victim and an survivor is one of taking responsibility to improve your situation. Exercising choices is taking responsibility, which is the exact opposite of claiming you have no choices, to blame others for the circumstances that have befallen you and act in a manner that hurts others. The choice is up to you, victim or survivor.

As an survivor, you choice is to build a new life not rebuild the old one. To build a new life is to make new choices, not the same old choices that led you to your current circumstances. If you want different results, you have to make difference choices. You made poor choices in seeking a mate, make better choices this time around. Take responsibility, choose differently. It is completely unprofitable to blame your former mate for the circumstances you have experienced. You may well be justified in your blame, but spending your energy on blaming her only takes away your time and energy from choices of something better. Blaming comes from self-pity, self-pity does not build self-worth.

Contrary to the bigoted literature of today, men’s feelings are not immature due to the reluctance to cut off relationships. They fail to understand that loyalty is intrinsic to a man’s character. Do not allow your feelings of loyalty as a man to override your need to be at peace as a human being. "Throwing good money after bad" is a trap that men commonly fall into when trying to balance loyalty and self-preservation.

There are manipulative people who know how to turn the character trait of loyalty into a weakness and they use it to control their victim. When you find yourself in a never ending cycle of fighting and making up where you are the one having to say you are sorry without the same from your mate, you may in reality be involved with a person who is using temper tantrums, crying, guilt and accusation as a means to control you through misusing your loyalty.

Typically, a controlling person rarely admits to doing anything wrong, sees themselves as a victim, rarely apologizes, when they do apologize it is with great reluctance and with such vagueness that when you think about what was said, the apology was more of an admission that you both did something wrong. An apology is real when it acknowledges the harm and pain inflicted upon another person by the action taken. When an apology is real, the person making it strives to learn from their mistakes and not repeat them. People who really apologize are the ones who are concerned about how their actions affect others, i.e.

they take responsibility. Fake apologies are only an excuse to repeat the behavior.

Normal people don’t control others around them, they respect the opinion of others even when they disagree. Control is an illusion accomplished by the slight of hand called manipulation. Control is given by the one controlled via physical force, fear, intimidation, and guilt by accusation. Control is given not taken! Only by the submission of your will can you be controlled. The controlling person finds the levers of control for you through experimentation. You will find there is an ever escalating level of manipulation to gain control of you. These attempts at control come in waves. You will experience periods of quiet, then followed by a series of incidents that leave you wondering what the fuss was all about. Most times this is probing to verify that you are under control. When you resist unreasonable requests or demands, a new onslaught of escalating incidents occur to re-establish control. Take responsibility and walk away from a controller, you can never change them. A person will only change if they want to, and if they see it in their best interests.

Do not be a rescuer. Damsels in distress are actually distressed damsels because they see themselves as victims. People in need of rescue have made a decision not to lead a healthy lifestyle. Such people will drag you down since they themselves are not willing to take responsibility for their situation. When you rescue, the only thing you will accomplish is to enable a distressed damsel is to continue her behavior. Like dealing with an alcoholic or drug abuser, you don’t give them more alcohol and drugs. Distressed damsels are actually controllers in disguise. Stay far away from them!

You are no longer the person you once were, move forward and don’t dwell on the past. How you act today is your choice, not anyone else’s. Choose the path of non-violence, respect other people’s boundaries even if they don’t have the integrity to respect yours or others. An survivor accepts/respects the choices of others even when they totally disagree with those choices. They are their own person and they will suffer the consequences of their actions. Good consequences flow from good actions. What goes around, does eventually come around.