2000-Well, THAT sucked...

    Boy, 2000 sure has sucked, eh? The only interesting things going for it, have been comics, politics, and the fact that the world didn't end up as a big ball of fire. Matter of fact, if something really big doesn't happen pretty soon, I say it's a waste. Very few movies came out that grabbed my attention (or were even good), music was mediocre (U2000, baby!), and TV was...still...TV...Ok, so I'm on basic cable. I don't know what's going on there. I admit it. Are you happy now?

     In the world of comics, X-Men managed to get even more confusing, Stan "The Man" Lee reworked some DC properties, and Preacher came to an end. But the big story here is the return of The Punisher. This guy has been my favorite property ever since I got into comics, and he's always kept me at least moderately entertained. Now, GARTH-F*CKING-ENNIS comes aboard and raises the bar for future Punisher stories impossibly high. From the little I've read, there is no way in Hell I can see anyone but Ennis himself topping this. Finding out he was only doing a 12-issue run made me sad, but he may be staying on a permanent basis. If sales of a book ever talked Marvel into keeping a creative team, this would be it. Those first issues are hot shit, and I dare you to try and pick up one of the first five at cover price...let alone find 'em. Not convinced? At least pick up the Painkiller Jane/Punisher one-shot. That oughtta do it.

    As a sidenote, I should add that Marvel's Knights are all pretty good from what I've read.

    Not too far off the topic of comics, X-Men, the movie, came out. Wonder of wonders, it not only didn't suck, but, in fact, kicked muy ass. Yeah, some liberties were taken, but above all, the characters had the same names, their costumes didn't have nipples (though they were black leather), and it was a good movie. Also, you may wanna give Unbreakable a chance. It's a superhero movie portrayed in a realistic light. No, really.

     Now I understand that 1999 is a tough year to follow up, so far as movies go, but 2000 flat-out sucked.

After many viewings of Batman 3, 4 and a number of other Schumacher movies, I've finally devised a process. A process which, when properly utilized, could take out Hollywood with a few swift blows. This process, which I have affectionately called "Shumacherization," accurately transforms the original content of whatever you choose, and describes what you'd have if Joel Shumacher had made it into a film. Example:

Subject: The Holocaust.

Before Shumacherization: an incredibly sad event in the course of human history, in which the Nazi party exterminated 400 million Jews.

(Colebot: 400 million!? Dude, that's like, a whole country.
DJEvil: Shhhh, it's supposed to be all sad and stuff.
Colebot: Dumbass.)

After Shumacherization: Power-mad dictator, Adolf Hitler (Donald Sutherland), invents a huge suit of armor (codename: Mecha-Hitler) capaple of delivering millions of non-lethal games of "Got'cher Nose!" to lots and lots of Jews. The American army sends in suave super-agent/baseball player, Johnny Joe Applepie (Kiefer Sutherland) to investigate and, if need be, destroy Mecha-Hitler. Along the way, he befriends a Jew, named Jewey Jewboy (Corey Haim). When Applepie gets too close, a guard dog wholly devours Applepie's Jew friend. In a red vision of hate, Applepie shoots the dog (all done off-screen) multiple times. The dog is only acting dead, however, and simply gets up and trots off. Applepie eventually tracks down Mecha-Hitler and transforms to 100 times his normal size to duke it out with the steel tyrant. During the fight, Applepie punches Mecha-Hitler into New York, which is where a very funny scene of Mecha-Hitler climbing the Empire State Building, much like King Kong. The battle ends with Applepie blowing up Mecha-Hitler's head, rendering Hitler dead...until the sequel, anyway

Granted, even though all the bugs haven't been worked out yet, the Shumacherization process could knock Hollywood flat on its ass.