2000 Sucked

    As for politics...It's a sad time indeed, when the most interesting thing to happen all year is to find out that Florida can't count. I'm guessing it's all that beach, those thongs, surfing, etc. that has made its residents retarded. Hell, if all I had to do was walk outside and I'd be on the beach, I'd forget how to count, too. I'm a sucker for the beach, though, so...

     At any rate, I didn't give two shits about the election, as I saw that both candidates were morons. It may as well have been a run-off between Terrance and Phillip ('cept they're Canadian).

Terrance: "Phillip, what's a 'bi-partisan congress?'"
Phillip: "THIS!" *parts ass cheeks and farts*

Terrance and Phillip: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    What bugs me, is that these two bozos are the two we had to choose from. It's not a wonder it was so close. Some people are upset at Ralph Nader for running for president. It's been said that if he hadn't run, Gore would've gotten those votes. Sorry, but I was all for him. That little guy made me laugh. Not as much as Perot, but that's just because his ears aren't as big...

     Then, there was music. U2 came out with a new cd...That's the main thing I cared about. There was also a great new album from Bjork, and I hear the new Radiohead is good, but aside from that? Just one more year of pop music we need as much as we need Darth Vader for president (by that, I mean we don't; sure, it'd be cool and all, but we'd have meaner cops,too).

     The Playstation 2 came out, which is, I'm sure, very nifty. The Phantom Menace's waiting line was cooler than the PS2's though. I didn't see anybody waiting for the PS2 dressed as Boba Fett. I didn't see any lightsaber battles in the Wal-Mart parking lot...none that I didn't start, anyway.

     And what's with this Armageddon, huh? Ragnarok, Doom's Day, End of Days? I thought we'd be running for our lives from killer cyborgs and plagues and shit! Busta Rhymes said so! Why haven't the Four Horses ridden across America or something? I thought when Madeline Kahn died, that meant we were next for sure, right? Right? In February, I thought, "Ok, Jim Varney's gone, so we can expect The End next month, I guess." Nope. I'm stuck here with you guys. Dammit.

     It would take something really big to make this year be worth the time I put into it. I mean, a nubile younge hottie would have to pop outta my TV or something...Ah, well. Next year, suckers.

    Something that bugged me: Al Gore was put on the cover of Rolling Stone. It's given him a real "back to nature"-type look. His crotch had to be airbrushed.

     Every one of those sentences bugged me.

     "Al Gore was put on the cover of Rolling Stone." Why? Did he put out a new cd? "Rollin' Down My Internet?" I understand that Rolling Stone tries to tie rock and politics, but at the same time, they're constantly covering crappy pop music. Rock 'n' politics are a stretch enough as it is. U2 is very political, so I can see that connection. Then, pop's response to Bono protesting World Debt is Ginger Spice being a UN ambassador. Kinda makes sense, don't it?

     "It's given him a real 'back-to-nature'-type look." That's obviously what they were going for, anyway. They put him in khakis and an unbuttoned shirt, put a mountain backdrop behind him, and *SHA-ZAM!* he's a mountain boy...I don't think so, Al. If you wanna look cool, I can think of better ways to do it. Hell, even that old rumor about how smoking makes you look cool? That's no rumor. Smoking does make you look cool. Don't get me wrong: It also gives you lung cancer and other horrors. (I don't smoke, so I'm more likely to get cancer. Thanks, you smokey bastards: You're killing me.) Anyway, all you had to do in this picture was relax, and you f*cked THAT up. You would've made a horrible president, you sap.

     "His crotch had to be airbrushed." Yup. He had a boner that had to be airbrushed away. That's probably the final nail in the coffin for this pic. If I was going for a picture of me that looked cool, and a boner came up (pun not intended), I'd look BAD ASS. "Yeah, I got wood. You got a problem with that?" Instead, they choose to put out the image that nature guys are impotent. Not that that's a lie, I guess. I dunno. I don't know any nature guys.