Chapter 10: Hairdryers, Hostages, and Eyeshadow
 
 

“Team meeting,” Undomiel called.

“That’s my job,” Nimrodel muttered at her.

“I think a brief summary of the latest meeting of the Too-Much-Time (Elf Hunting) Society is in order.” Undomiel explained, waiting as the huntresses slowly exited their tents to gather in the common log-area, grumbling about a lack of tae-bo time.

“Didn’t we just have one of these meetings?” Tinuviel asked.

“First off . . . elections.” Undomiel began. “We still need nominations, people. Here is how it stands:

President: Undomiel (nominated by Lizard)

Vice-President: Tadandader (Nominated and seconded by Lizard)

Recording Secretary: Tinuvie (Nominated by moi.)

Treasurer: Tinuviel (Nominated and seconded by moi.)

Sergeant at Arms/Parliamentarian: Cienanos (expressed interest to the nominating committee)

We still have Corresponding Secretary (A very important job . . . must keep in contact with the E.L.F.) and Historian to fill. Anyone, anyone? Bueller?

So far our members include:

Lizard219
Tinuvie
Tinuviel80
Tadandader HalfElven
Cienanos
Undomiel9
MarianaMellon
Nimrodel
Saffron Piskie
Nimue

And our newest initiates are:

Elwen hin i lome
Silver Elf
Kelsey Undomiel
FrodoLover5
Elfcat
Aviana

Welcome!!!

We also have our correspondent and representative for Numenor:
El Luitha Uren

And Our Correspondent and Representative to Gondor:
Servant of Melian

And, last but not least, we have our Common Sense correspondent:
Cletus the Cricket
 

O.K. Enough of that. Welcome to all the newest people here. Great to have you.” Undomiel finished with a rustle of papers and sat down.

Tadan, the new VP, stood, clasped her hands together, and batted her eyes. “You like me! You really really like me! Right now, you like me!” Then she dropped the act (Luitha snorted and rolled her eyes. Actors.) and continued, “Thank you for the nomination and election of Vice President. I shall now go over to Rivendell and write some more Banana Peel story to prove it.”

“By the way . . . umm . . . anyone up for a President's position?” Undomiel asked. “If I accept, I'll actually have to **gasp** do something.”

“Come on, I think you can handle it,” her new VP told her. “You'll just have a little less extra time on your hands.”

“Doesn't it seem odd, though?” Undomiel scratched her head and looked through her papers again. “A Society of people who meet and use valuable time, in order to talk about all of the time they have on their hands. One would think that they would just continue using the time that they had... Uh, right, that made sense. I’m going to bed now.” She headed off with a puzzled expression toward her tent.

“Tadan, put me down as Assistant C&R for Numenor and Gondor,” Lila GamgeeTook called out from the back. “I love coming in here and watching the PEF&Hs running around even if I don’t join in the hunt.”

“As my first official job as correspondent, I'm going to go over to Rivendell and do a report on the elf-hunt over there,” Luitha announced. “Because I have nothing better to do. Well... I could nap... Naw. I'm too lazy to do that.”

“We wanna hunt elves and catch elves!” Elwen announced. “We could use that cheesy pokemon song as a theme song!… Gotta gotta gotta catch 'em all....” She stopped after the hunters all stared at her strangely, and she left to go practice her hunting skills.

“OOOOOH my first chance to practice!” Haldir was walking through the forest, and Elwen dropped to the ground, slowly starting to sneak up on the elf. She wiggled her butt, getting ready to pounce, stuck her tongue out with an expression of deep concentration on her face, wiggled her butt some more (this is known among the various hunting techniques as the ‘Elwen windup’) and pounced.

“Ahhh crappity frippity I didn't get Haldir.”
 

“Yay! I'm a recording secretary, I'm a recording secretary.” Tinuvie did the happy dance, now becoming standard practice for happy PEFs. “But I'd better try and catch Haldir now...” When no one was looking, she snuck into Legolas’ tent and quietly hid science books under his pillow, then headed off after the elusive Haldir.

“Hey, there he is! Oh, no, it's two members of ELF!” She hid behind a tree as the elves passed, heading for the hunters’ camp. She tried to run, but with her usual discretion broke a few twigs and sent a crow flying angrily away. The elves were on her in seconds.

“Are you an elf-hunter?” One elf shook her and demanded an answer.

“Oh, no sir, I just sell strawberry scented bubble bath,” Tinuvie answered. The elf loosened his grip. “Here, look at this.” She took a bottle of chloroform and doused them both with it. The elves immediately fell asleep. “Yay! I caught two elves! I actually managed to do something right!” Then she accidentally waved the chloroform under her own nose. “I… Zzzzzzzzz…”

----------------------------

Nimrodel headed toward Legolas’ tent for a quick "Tae bo" session. “Hey, where's that angry little cricket going, now?? Uh oh, did he get knocked out of Lizard's head again?”

Then she noticed a couple of passed out elves and a passed out Tinuvie. “Ok, no more chloroform for you, missy...” Nim splashed all the inert life forms with strawberry after bath splash before heading through the common log-area. “Hey! Look at all the new perky (pervy?) elf hunters... hoorah!” She returned to Tinuvie's waking elves and let them go for practice. “Go get them you guys!” she called out to the newest hunters.

Finally she reached Legolas’ tent and looked at the many drawn Xs on the ground and some scattered cheese pieces. “Hmm....Hey Lizard, can I borrow Orli, then?.....Haldir did WHAT??!! Why that little...” Nim took a shot of Miruvor and yelled into the forest, “You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Pervy Elf Fanciers now, big boy!” She grabbed a lasso and polyester pant suit for "persuasion" and ran into woods.

Lizard looked at poor overworked Legolas and decided he needed a break. “I knew Nimrodel would understand the crippling loss we've suffered in Orli's capture. Hey, I should go help her!” She suited up in a forester costume and hat with a long red feather, inspecting her other equipment. “Hmm... bow and arrows... chloroform... walkie-talkie... AH! Hairdryer.” Lizard took the hairdryer and held it above her head. "Long live the elf hunt!" She took off into the woods.

Mariana walked into Legolas’ tent for an extra session and discovered the elf was sleeping. “WHAT??? An elf SLEEPING?? Man, what did we do to this poor elf?”

It seemed like it was time for elf-hunting again. “Shampoo, hairbrush, scissors... yeah, I think it's all here.”

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VSDPEF- MarianaMellon
April 18th

Went elf-hunting again. Legolas is getting tired, and no one seems to care about the other elves. Nim let Haldir escape, so the new hunters could practice on him. Anyway, I'm not after Haldir (though he's got Orli!!!!!). Let the newbies catch him. I set myself a goal: I'm going to catch A REALLY HOT ELF today!!

Am close to Rivendell now. Decided to climb a tree and wait. That's what the best hunters do: wait. Very silently... very very silently... not even the elven ears will hear me.

2 hours later...

Yay!!! Elf approaching! Hmmm, he's not THAT hot but will do for now. I jumped off the tree in front of him:

"Hi!" I say "Wanna a free haircut?"

"Free????????" he asks

"Totally free" I say. "I'm re-opening my beauty salon. After this haircut, you won't even think about going to other salon. You'll see, it's guaranteed"

"Hmmmm. I'm tempted. But I don't think I have time. I was sent to look for and arrest a group of humans that are kidnapping our allies. Have you seen them?"

"Group of humans? Elf- kidnappers? Yeah, think I saw them..."

"Oh, you have to take me to where they are!!!!!!!!"

"Sure, you just follow me, OK?"

hihihihihihihihihihihi I got one! Poor hot elf. Trusted me so easily...

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VSDPEF- Tinuviel80
April 18th- Elf hunt continues.

Well, Haldir's on the loose. Looks like newbies are having quite a time catching him. *sigh* I need a challenge, am now Level 7 elf hunter. OK girls, now remember the Golden Rule. NO wondering alone anywhere close to Rivendell. Mariana...why are you looking so guilty? *Sees hotty elf being lead to camp*. Ohh, I see!

"So where's the salon?", asks the elf.

"Hey guess what? Gullible's not in the dictionary!", replies Tinuviel.

"Mwahahaha," says Mariana, "Into the tent please."

Conspiring plan to capture yet more elves. Must make sure that newbies successfully hunt Haldir as we can't let his warn Rivendell.

*Inconspicuously marks X on Legolas's tent*

-----------------

“MWAHHAHAHAHA,” Mariana laughed horribly, leading the hot elf into her tent. She left the tent some time later. “OK, girls. He passed the test He's safe now and he told me he won't go back to Rivendell so soon (GO ME! ) so enjoy!”

-------------------

Lizard stalked with Lizard stealth through the woods. Her muttering, however, was doing a good job of spoiling the careful non-crunchiness of her footsteps. "Stupid Columbia University. Didn't want to go to their dumb grad school anyway..."

Cletus came running by. "Yes you did!" He ran away before she could squish him like the pest he was. Stupid cricket. Lizard pouted, searching through her bags. “Oh no. I did it again. I wandered off alone without a walkie-talkie. I DO have a hair dryer, though, and I'm not afraid to use it.” She clipped the volumizer to the front, swung the dryer around Old West style, and stuck it in her belt. The Lizard was ready to get down to business.

She continued prowling toward Rivendell, pausing to watch Mariana bag some naive little elf through a bush, then sneaking right along. Ahead of her, she saw a random elf walking through the woods. Not Haldir, which was good, because she wanted to leave him to the new hunters. But this one had ORLI!

“I'll save you, Orli!” Lizard yelled, crashing through the bushes. “Unhand that hottie,” she declared, doing her best to look menacing with her dimples and unfortunate resemblance to the Swiss Miss girl.

The elf was unimpressed. "I borrowed him from Haldir, fair and square. Get your own cute netted human." A sinister smile spread over his face. "Wait a second... You're an elf hunter, aren't you? Yeah, I've seen you before, parading about with that turn-coat, Legolas. All I have to do is whistle and you're going to be surrounded by members of E.L.F. We've been especially keen to get you, Lizard-human. You've been identified as the one who spewed in the corner of our nice tidy dungeon. Ick."

Lizard blushed. "Well, if your stupid elven beverages weren't so strong... Hey! Don't! If you even THINK about whistling, I'll- I'll-"

"You'll do what?" the elf asked, unimpressed. "Whistle up an elf-hunter posse of your own and bravely do battle with my elven kin?"

Lizard paused "Er, that actually sounds more impressive, but I don't think anyone knows where I am." She pulled out her battery-powered hairdryer. "I've got a hair dryer and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The elf squealed. "NO! I just had my hair done, you'll make it frizz!" He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Please, don't do it. I mean, an army of elf-hunters, I can take. They'd probably just trip over each other and get captured anyhow. But a hairdryer in the hands of a novice... Take the human! Take him and get that thing away from me!"

Lizard grinned. "That's right. You just stand right there or I'm gonna use this thing to muss your pretty hair all to ruin." She cut the net from around Orli with one hand, keeping the blow dryer pointing at the elf with the other. Grabbing Orli by the wrist, she whipped around. "Run, Orli!" She panted, pulling him along.

Orlando looked puzzled. "The elf is terrified of that blow dryer. Why are we fleeing?"

"Er, because I forgot to bring batteries." Lizard flushed.

The elf's keen elven hearing unfortunately picked up her words. "That so, huh? What a wicked, wicked human!" The elf let out a shrill whistle. "After them, everyone!"

“Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap…” The Lizard and the human ran for their lives.

Out of nowhere, Undomiel came to the rescue. She skidded around the corner, nearly running right into the fleeing pair.

“Hey, Lizard!! How many times do I have to tell you . . .” Undomiel tossed her two "C" batteries. “Never leave home without ‘em!” She smiled and pulled out a blow dryer of her own. “I should have known you were up to something, Lizard, when you weren't there, but your walkie-talkie was.”

“Are we ready then? Oh, hi Orli. This will be just a second. Here, make yourself useful.” She tossed a spare hairdryer to him.

“Rock and roll girls!” Tinuviel stood ready next to Orli, setting her hairdryer to high. Nine elves dressed in army gear came running out of the woods.

“Give up the captives, she-hunters!”

“If you want him, come and claim him!” The three huntresses brandished their hairdryers.

The head elf stepped forward. "Please, as captain of E.L.F, just put the hairdryers down, slowly..."

"What do you want the other Elves for? You seem to be doing fine on your own,” Undomiel told them. “And Liz captured this one square and fair. Brought him from earth . . . he's not even from Middle Earth, for Elbereth's sake. What in the world do you want him for?"

"That is of little consequence, now isn't it?" The elf replied.

"Oh, is it," Tinuviel said. "I don't think so . . . " Tinuviel, Lizard and Undomiel formed a protective circle around a very confused Orli.

"O.K. This is the last time I'm going to ask . . . If we give up our elves, what do we get?" Undomiel asked. "And it better be good, or your hair is toast."

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VSDPEF- Nimrodel
April 18

Hot. Dirty. Out of Miruvor.

Stupid Haldir.

*sees angry little cricket next to "C" battery with big bump on head*

What's up Cletus?

"Your crazy group of elf hunters are going up against a band of E.L.F.!!"

*sigh*

Nimrodel followed the sounds of gibbering elves, one confused actor, and the distinct whine of hair dryers. She finds Lizard, Tinuviel, and Undomiel wielding hair implements at a scared bunch of elves. Looked like a standoff until all of the sudden Haldir jumped out of the bushes and pushed Nim SMACK into the group of E.L.F. elves.

"Ha, Ha!! You crazy elf hunter! Take that!” He cried. He threw her polyester pant suit after ran away giggling madly.

E.L.F. members, seeing Nimrodel caught off balance, immediately seized her. One of them took out blue eyeshadow and held the little wand above her eyelid.

"One move and this one is gonna get it!" exclaimed one of the elves. "She'll be looking like a cheap 80's Madonna by the time I get through with her."

“Not the peacock blue! No!” Tinuviel screamed.

"Oh horror!" Lizard cried. "Does it get any cheaper than Madonna?!" (Madonna fans ran through, whacked her in the back of the head with a copy of "Bedtime Stories," and ran back out.)

Now a real standoff ensues. The hunters have blowdryers, but ELF has Nim! She could get caught in the crossfire... Frizzy hair, blue eyeshadow... She’d be two steps away from becoming the short-lived pop star Debbie Gibson!

"I don't know what to do, guys." Lizard shook her head, realizing all of this. "We can't allow them to ickify Nim for Orli, can we?" She turned to look at Orli, who blinked cutely in confusion, and Lizard felt her convictions wavering. "CAN WE?" She asked desperately.

“Oh Elbereth, give us a sign!” Tinuviel prayed.

"What is your decision?" the ELF leader asked. Nimrodel whimpered.

"I guess we have no choice." Tinuviel said with a sigh. "On three we switch." The three hunters lift Orli by the arms, who looked like he wasn’t sure if he should be glad or terrified. ELF members slowly lowered the wand. "One...two...three..." Both sides grabbed on to a hand of the opposite captive, and then swapped.

"Alright then. But this isn't over, as you still have at least five elves hidden in your midst. I can sense it." ELF's slowly back away into the forest, away from the hairdryers, dragging a very cute when he's confused, Orli.

“OOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Lizard screamed and fell to the ground, sobbing, then paused. “Oh, I am glad to have you back, Nim. Just so you know. But how will we get Orli back?” She returned to her sobbing.

Nim watched her rescuers, feeling horribly guilty about making the PEFs save her from a bad '80's flashback (once was enough!) by giving up Orli. “Thanks you guys! I love you! I promise to get him back! And I better, because the line for Legolas is getting way too long...” She blubbered and sniffed

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! They got Orli!” Mariana came running in then, saw the sight of the three hunters in front of her, and collapsed to her knees. She sighed. “OK, here's my plan: we get Orli back, and then I think we should move to Lothlorien. Let's hunt some elf somewhere else, and then when ELF forget about us, we come back! Another thing: the elves we have are very happy to be here, and they should tell that to ELF. LEGOLAS!!!!!! Come here.”

Legolas came running. “Yes, milady?”

"Do something!” Mariana told him. “Will you find a way to tell ELF that you and the others have never been so happy as you are now?"

"Hmmm, OK, I'll think of something"

"Good!!!! Nice boy. You deserve to be awarded." Mariana took Legolas back to his tent for his ‘reward.’

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“Ah, now I know why elves like strawberry baths, I feel nice and clean now.” Junipur returned to the camp feeling refreshed and strawberry-ish. Suddenly an elf appeared behind her, and she turned to see…

“Haldir! Aaaaaaaarrrghhhhhhhh!” Junipur tried to shoo him away, but Haldir seemed to like the strawberry smell she was emitting. “I’m trying to get back to Legolas, before the others wear him out!” She protested, rushing away and into camp. There are many Xs in front of Legolas’ tent.

“What is this now, what is going on here?” She sighed and sat down to wait her turn. Mariana emerged to see Junipur sitting patiently.

 "What do you want?" She asked.

"Legolas, of course, what else!?" Junipur replied.

"OK, have him... I know I've been a little selfish, go on... Legolas, you go with her!" Mariana grinned at the happiness on Junipur’s face.

"YAY!!! She's taken strawberry bath!!!! NICE!" Legolas seemed just as excited, and all but pulled Junipur into the tent. Mariana watched with a grin and went to check on the hot elf she had just brought in.

--------------------------------

Meanwhile, Silver Elf was working her traps in the forest, not very sure they were working well. She climbed into a tree, having a heard time lugging her gear up. A half hour later, she was completely bored.

“Come on, hottie elves, where are you? A Elbereth Gilthoniel.” Just then she saw movement in the trees and quickly loaded her tranquilizer gun. “Haldir! Mwahaha! Right where I want him. Gotcha!" She cried in glee, leaping out of the tree and taking two steps toward Haldir. He took off and Silver Elf went after, hot on his heels.

Unfortunately, she forgot about the hole she had just dug.

"Ahh! (bump) Oof! Dag nabbit! How could I forget about the pit! Well that was stupid of me. How am I gonna get out?"

Haldir looked down with a giggle and ran off.

Silver Elf scowled at him, pondered for a moment, and a bright light came on over her head. “Hey! The walkie-talkie!" She turned it on. “Hey? Is anyone there? Hello? Can anyone here me? I fell into my own trap while giving chase to Haldir. Help!” she called in a squeaky voice.

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VSDPEF- Tadandader HalfElven
April 18th, evening

I have returned from, um..talking! that's it, talking with Elrond. Hey, guys, why do you look so glum? And where's Silver Elf?

Am feeling glum myself after they tell me E.L.F. has Orli, and no one has any idea where Silver Elf is.

Have new idea. We will form D.W.A.R.F! Determined Women Against Resistance Front! No longer just PEF's looking for some, fun, this has gotten serious.

Then Elrond came back to camp, carrying a bruised and sleeping Silver Elf. "She got stuck in her own trap. If I'm not mistaken, she's not the first."

He's hiding a grin and looking at me! Darn it! Will he ever stop teasing me about that? How was I supposed to know he had seen the whole thing?

Gotta distract him. "Um, we need a plan to free Orli."

--------------------------

 Nimrodel, having gotten over her guilty phase, is not a little ticked at the elf in question.

“OK, where's Haldir? I'm gonna stuff him in that pantsuit before I do anything else....!” She heard a giggle and watched Elrond fish Silver Elf out of her own trap. “Uh oh, here we go again…”

She decided to wait for first D.W.A.R.F. meeting so all the hunters could come up with a plan for the Orli rescue, that is if Mariana and Junipur ever left the blasted tent...
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com