Chapter 11:  Determined Women Against Resistance Front
 
 

The first meeting of D.W.A.R.F. got underway.

Lizard settled herself on a log. “Er, right. D.W.A.R.F, huh? I love it, Tadan, very clever. I can't wait to tell someone that I'm a D.W.A.R.F. All right, my fellow DWARFs-“ She stops, suddenly overcome with snickering. “Wait, how many of us are there here right now? If there are seven, I don't think I'm going to be good for anything but some background giggling for the next few minutes.”

“Get on with it Lizard,” Tadan grinned at her, finding the situation just as funny. Elrond did not seem to be as amused.

“Okay, okay. I move that I wander around doing some spy work, because you know I get fidgety if I stand still too long. If necessary, I can tape my walkie-talkie to my forehead so I won't forget it. Ok, right... Anything other suggestions?”

“Well . . . I for one suggest that no one go anywhere alone,” Undomiel said seriously. “You know how those E.L.F.'s can be . . . oh, goodness. Do you realize what we have here? E.L.F.'s facing off against the D.W.A.R.F.'s.” Undomiel slapped her forehead.

“You gotta love acronyms!” Tinuviel burst out. "No-one trust an ELF!"

Elrond was clearly not amused at this point.

“OK, here's the plan.” Tinuviel whipped out her blue-print.

"Uh, Tinuviel? It's blank." Luitha looked at her with a skeptic smile.

“OK, anyone have a plan?”

Undomiel pointed down the hill. “Go that way, really fast . . . and if you see anything in your way, turn. Quick!” The hunters looked at her blankly. “O.K. Sorry for the Random "Better Off Dead" quote. Anyone else?”

Lizard pulled out another roll of paper. “It's a crayon sketch of Orlando. It's not a plan, but it's PRETTY.”

“Alright, the plan. I have one idea,” Tadan spoke up. “We capture Haldir and offer to trade him for Orli. Not the best idea, but it's all I got right now. I'll keep thinking.”

“Well, we could try to find something the elves want- BESIDES the other elves- and trade it for Orli. I'd gladly hand over the keys to my Banana Republic for another crack at the fabulously gorgeous Mr. Bloom. OR... We take him back by force. Find out where they're keeping them, lure the guards away with small but expensive facial kits, and then storm the place and liberate Orli.” Lizard was on a roll, and the hunters looked at her in shocked silence.

“Lizard, that made SENSE!” Tinuviel was clearly taken aback.

Lizard smiled happily. “That's cause Cletus came back! Cletus, how I missed you! I'll never take you for granted again.” A hand stuck itself out of Lizard's ear and saluted.

“I vote for force!” Nim stood with her pantsuit and lasso at the ready. Why did the small angry cricket look so smug?

Tadan began going through her backpack. “Let's see, Lembas Launcher, Lembas, orc-smores… ew… how'd they get in there? Strawberry scented things, lots of those, Elf Rope, Purple boots, no wait, don't need those anymore, and chloroform gun. You are aware they greatly outnumber us, right, guys?”

“You and your valid points, Tadan. Why don't you just be a party pooper?” Lizard looked insulted.

“Maybe we can get rid of some of them with a diversion,” Luitha suggested. “Someone can run through and frighten them with a dirt-launcher. It won't stick on them, of course,  elves repel dirt, but maybe some of them will forget and freak out anyhow. Or maybe we can see if Tinuvie made any gas bombs. I can't see elves enjoying gas...” She stopped at Lizard’s giggle and continued stiffly, “The kind that puts you to sleep, I mean.”

“I dunno... I just want to charge in and get Orli back,” Lizard informed the group. “I don't much care for details. That's why Cletus keeps leaving. And why I keep getting myself into trouble. Thank goodness for the rest of you! He's nothing to me compared to Orli.” She sighed.

“Yes, but we are what? Say it with me..” Nimrodel grinned as the hunters shouted together,

“STILL THE PRETTIEST...GO US!”

“Sorry, don't mean to be a party pooper. But I have to bring up another point.” Tadan gave Lizard a dirty look at her groan. “We shouldn't try to make gas bombs. We'd end up knocking out all of D.W.A.R.F., and then E.L.F. would have no trouble tying us all up.

“So how do we even the odds? I've still got my hairdryer AND batteries...” Lizard checked her supplies.

“Let's see. They are sending out small scout parties, so one D.W.A.R.F. with a hairdryer should be able to take out a scout party with no problem. I suggest we begin to take them out.” Tadan continued to brainstorm.

“Aye, aye, Tadan. Who do you nominate?” Lizard and Tadan were quickly becoming the thinkers of D.W.A.R.F. “It's probable that you'll want some of the more responsible elf-hunters to run the diversion, as they are more likely to be caught. Don't want any cartoonish antics botching up our diversion and getting us all caught in the city with all those... hot... elves... Hmmmm... Or do we?”

“Actually, lets all set out with hairdryers at first, and tie up any Elves we incapacitate. The hot ones we'll save for later, and those that aren't so hot we'll just keep captive,” Tadan suggested.

“OKAY!” Elwen burst into the meeting after her own hunting. “I'm ready to help rescue Orli! even though I have had no experience with these E.L.F's yet. Where do I get my hairdryer? Or do I provide my own?”

Tinuvie began handing out chloroform and gas masks. “Maybe we should get some tear gas, too. But what if we got some petrol to throw at the elves' hair? It would go all icky and smell bad No, actually, that would be a last resort. The elves would be horrified at the very thought.”

“I have a plan!” Elwen announced. “So the E.L.F's love strawberry bath products? Well I say we manufacture our own brew of strawberry stinky bubbly bathy type products and give them to the elves as a little truce present. BUT here’s where the plan kicks in and you all go OOOH AAAAH!!! We put chloroform in so as they go to get all strawberry freshened up, they fall asleep, then our Orli rescue team sneaks in, gets Orli and dashes off into the sunset with a mighty victory, and most importantly our Orli!”

“Hmmm. Good plan, Elwen, but we'd need to put quite a lot of strawberry scent, as the elves can detect chemicals a mile away,” the young chemist pointed out. “And the Orlando rescue team needs to be well-equipped.” Tinuvie stocked up on chemicals (Chloroform, Tear gas, Ethanol, Petroleum, other chemicals, strawberry scented stuff) and announced, “Let us hunt some Orlando!”

“You are all having really good ideas,” Mariana spoke up. “But what if the ELFs decide to use OUR Orli as a shield? Tadan, can't Elrond just pretend he's on the ELFs side and take Orli back?”

“Hey Marianna! I say we try for Figwit!” Nim got excited at the idea of another hot elf. “ I wouldn't mind catching a naked, sleeping, strawberry scented Figwit.”

“Are we sneaking into Rivendell as elves?” Tinuvie looked doubtful. “I don’t look like an elf.”

“I think I’'ll need a wig for that cause how many elves do you see with blond spikey hair?” Elwen looked just as doubtful. “And there’s an issue with tallness, I’ll wear my platform army boots. Hey! Where’s my Twinkie?! I bet one of the elves took it! Gun, perty hair clips, bubble bath, where do I get the chloroform? Ooh, how bout water balloons filled with gooey stuff? Walkie-talkie and extra batteries…”

“I'll have to go leave Middle Earth just for a few moments, OK?” Mariana announced to the baffled hunters.

She did the warp thing and arrived in New Zealand to see a citizen approaching.

"Hi!” she said. “Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what is it?" The man gave her an odd look. Apparently he wasn’t used to women popping out from Middle-earth after a long elf hunting spree.

"Do you know where Peter Jackson lives?" she asked.

"Yeah, who doesn't know THAT! You're not from here, are you?" As if it wasn’t obvious by now.

"No, just visiting... but I really really need to know where he lives" He gave her directions without hesitation, and she crowed, "Oh thanks thanks thanks! Here, take this,” before taking off. Mariana ran to Peter's house while the puzzled citizen looked at his new strawberry bath.

Mariana rung the doorbell, praying she had the right house.

"Yes?" The door opened. It was Peter Jackson!

"Hi Peter!" Mariana tried not to flip out.

"Who are you?" PJ gave her a look identical to the one the citizen had given her.

"Don't you remember me? OOOHHHH! I'm that old friend of yours, we met each other in a... well... cafeteria?" She hoped this bluff worked.

"Hmm, alright, I must know you, I've been meeting so many people lately. Come in. I'm having some tea with Peter Owen and Richard Taylor."

YAY!!! This is too good to be true!!! The guys who won best makeup!

"No, I need you guys to come with me!" Mariana insisted.

She ran into Peter's house, grabbed Peter Owen and Richard Taylor, grabbed PJ on the way out and TAH DAH! They were in Middle-earth again.

“What the f***?” PJ seemed to be a little lost and not amused. Mariana dragged them back to the DWARF camp.

"OK, here's the deal: Peter Owen and Richard Taylor must turn all of us into elves. In exchange, we will give you free haircuts and brushing. Oh, and some free science classes too."

"Free haircuts? Why would we want that?" Peter Owen seemed to feel the same as PJ.

“Oh, I forgot you guys weren’t elves. OK, you ask anything you want, and we'll give it to you."

"Free strawberry bath.” Richard Taylor said decisively.

“DEAL!” Mariana cried. “YAY!!!! GO US! See, people, we will all look like elves! If Haldir can do it, so can we! To the salon, everybody!”

“Mariana, you're a genius!” Tinuvie exclaimed, awarding her with the nobel prize for helping elf-lovers (a new prize she had made up, awarded on a non-regular basis). “But the elves will be suspicious, won't they? They would never have seen us before, even if we look like elves.”

“There are lots of Elves out there, we can pretend to be some of the dark ones, (the ones who never reached Middle Earth) but say we've just come over!” Tadan-the-plotmaster told her. She nudged PJ. “You know, Elrond is awesome, but do you have Hugo Weaving's phone number and address?”
 
“Or we can just tell the elves we're sisters from Lorien! How could they know we're lying? We say we are Galadriel's maids and they will never doubt such pretty girls like us. GO US!” Mariana had this all planned out.

"Ok, everybody have a seat," said Peter Owen. He proceeded to fit the appropriate blonde wig, lifts, contact lenses (if needed), and elven grey on each of the elf-hunters. Tadan and Luitha, already elvish, watched on in amusement as pointy ears were plastered on each hunter.

“What are dark elves?” Kelsey asked Tadan as the two makeup masters busied themselves with the hunters.

Servant of Melian, the only male human in the bunch who tended to sit quietly and watch the hilarity from the sidelines, leaped in and proceeded to give a 40 minute long lecture on the history of the elves. Even Elrond was impressed.

“Wow…” Tinuvie blinked at SoM in awe. “Nice. That should help if the elves start asking me questions.”

"Well, don't you all look the part!" said Richard.

The elf-hunters exchanged glances. "This is soo gonna work! Yippee!" Tinuviel cried.

Tinuvie looked down at herself.. “Yay! I look just like Arwen! Cool! Now I just need to find a way to bring all these chemicals.” Tinuvie pointed at an enormous pack of dangerous-looking bottles.

“Wow! Richard and Peter O. really did a good job!” Mariana looked at herself approvingly. “We all look stunning! GO US! And GO THEM, too! Congratulations guys, for your Oscars Give them the  strawberry bubble bath.”

“Hey, you know what?” Kelsey danced happily in place. “Now we only need to learn the habits of elves!”

-----------------

VSDPEF- gottadance510
April 19

A lot has happened. PEF have left me with in Rivendell as a captive (sniff), and have been made to study for exams. Have come back, finally, by a daring plan, (go me!) Was wondering if DWARFs would take me on, as am pervy elf fancier. Also wouldn't mind if turned to elf look-a-like. Am supplied with various bath products (strawberry) and blond hair wig.
Can I join in? Please?
 
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Tinuviel pulled out her blueprint again. "We can't just waltz into Rivendell just because we're elves. We need a reason.”

“Let's just say we are visiting from the Grey Havens, as emissaries from Cirdan,” Tadan said, getting back to business. “They shouldn't question that.”

”But after we enter Rivendell, what do we do to get Orli back? How will we know where ELF is keeping him? Do you think they'll trust us enough to reveal his prison?” Mariana joined back with Tadan.

”We could be traders and happen to start talking about how we heard of DWARFs and how horrible they are .And what the ELFs are doing to protect themselves. And find out where Orli is being hidden,” Gottadance suggested. “Perhaps a little bribery shall be needed…”

“How 'bout we need advice on something!” A light bulb flashed over Tinuviel’s head. “That's why everyone goes to Rivendell. I got it! Shopping tips! We'll say that since the Banana Republic is out of stock, we need advice on where to go! ...and if they don't buy that, just whip out the strawberry bubble bath as a present."

“Sounds good Tinuviel,” Luitha said. “And if it helps, I’ve caught Haldir before. I can do it again!”

“Tinuviel” Lizard hissed. “They could be watching us! Turn that light bulb off!” Tinuviel looked startled, as though she hadn’t considered that, grabbed the light bulb from above her head, and shoved it in her mouth.

“Okay, I guess we're off to Rivendell,” Tadan announced. “And have good luck catching Haldir, Luitha, unless you would like me to help you out? It might be more interesting if two of us go!”

“Sure Tadan- you want to come with me? Maybe we can find Haldir and have him lead us in to Rivendell to rescue Orli. He must know his way around- and we certainly know from certain personal experiences what doors NOT to open.” Luitha mounted Asfaloth, ready to leave before the others. “Either hop on behind me or borrow a horse from Glorfindel and we'll leave before the... ah... DWARVES do. Let's go!”

Gottadance looked from Tadan to Luitha to Tinuviel, completely lost. “So are we going in different groups? Am so confused. Have finished some exams and my poor little mind is not working. Can I have the cricket to explain to me, slowly, what is happening?”

”I think the main group is going to Rivendell to rescue Orli in disguise as elves from Cirdan. I'm going off to find Haldir who somehow managed to escape- he can be a guide for Tadan and I as we sneak around. We're the covert part of the operation.” Luitha grinned at Gottadance as understanding finally dawned across her face.

“You know, I'm gone for just a bit and I return to find all these people seem to hold ME responsible for this mess.” Lizard looked peeved. “Just because I let Haldir go and have been poor security for Orli... uh... heh... Maybe it is my fault...” She scratched her head, pondering this. “Ok, that's it. No more wild, kooky Lizard. I'm gonna be dependable and responsible... I'm going to stay focused and try acting less like a five year old hopped up on caffeine... I can do it! I believe in me! GO ME!”

The others stared at Lizard in mixed looks of fascination and horror.

Lizard didn’t seem to notice. She checked out her elf get-up with a pleased smile. “Wow, we are so definitely the prettiest now. Not that there was ever a doubt.” She looked up to see Luitha and Tadan preparing to leave. “Good luck, El luitha and Tadan! Are the rest of us going in? Maybe we can all go in, be charming, win them over, and ask to join their lovely civilization. When they go to give us the grand tour, we can note where they're keeping Orli and come back later to bust him out. What do you think? I PROMISE not to do anything goofy this time, REALLY!"

This time the hunters rolled their eyes.

Nimrodel, just happy to be a tall, willowy blonde, hardly heard her. “Huh, what? Oh yes, Orli!! Right, right, c'mon Gottadance, Tinuvie, Mariana, Tinuviel, Silver elf, Undomiel, Saffron, Junipur, and whoever else just got a makeover, let's head to Rivendell! THIS is our target!” She held up a nice picture of a shirtless Orlando.

Lizard keeled over. The hunters sighed and helped her up, brushing dirt off her lovely new outfit. She sighed too.

“You'd think I'd be accustomed to his gorgeousness, but no. The first day I had him after catching him in the first place, I spent the first half of our interlude together unconscious. He's just too hot for one poor little Lizard to take.” She straightened up. “All right, girls- er- my fellow elves, let's strut to Rivendell!"

Lizard and Nim took the lead, sashaying down the dirt path like they owned the place. The mantra repeated itself over and over in Lizard’s head, and she mumbled quietly with it.* Go me, Go me, Go me, Go me, Go me...”

-----------------------------

Kelsey was running a little late. She grabbed an elvish cloak and ran to catch up, when…

THUMP.

”AIYAH! I forgot there were worm holes around here!” Kelsey looked around carefully as she picked herself up at the bottom of the pit. Haldir stood over her.

“Ha!” he said. “Another elf in the wilderness caught in the same trap!”

“Uh, yes!” Kelsey grinned to herself. Haldir thought she was an elf! She made up a quick excuse. “Help! I don’t have a hairdryer because I was looking for a creek so I could get some water for Legolas to drink.”

She was stuck in a pit with Haldir. On a brighter note, Orli was there!

-----------------------------------

Lizard and Nimrodel continued to sashay and lead the group right into Rivendell. At least, Nim was trying to sashay, but it was definitely looking more like a strut. She keep repeating to herself quietly, “ Go me, Go me, Go me,”  with Lizard.

The hunters reached Rivendell at last, and realized that many, many elves were milling around.

”Hey you guys, what's going on??!” Nim broke into the party and tried to act normal. The elves peered at the group of very HOT she-elves (Go us, Go us, Go us...) and broke into wide grins.

“I don't trust those grins. Does anyone else feel uncomfortable?” Gottadance was definitely looking nervous.

Kelsey nodded. “Those elves smiles are sending chills up my spine.”
 
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com