CHAPTER 9: The Too-Much-Time Club
 
 

This short interlude brought to you by Undomiel…

O.K. . . . O.K. Short description of events:

April 11-13 -- Elf Lovers went on an elf-hunt. Caused many many problems for selves and elves. Successful, however.

April 14 -- Elf-lovers caught and held hostage by the elves of Rivendell. Escaped with the help of Elrond, Tadan, El Luitha, Nimrodel, and Undomiel. (Sorry if I forgot anyone.)

April 15-16 -- Elf - lovers return to their elves. Lizard gets bored waiting for Legolas; goes on an "Orli-hunt" captures Orli, brings him back to camp.

April 16 - evening -- Lizard makes a comment about having too much time on her hands. Undomiel mentions about having a Too-Much-Time Society. Nominations are opened.

This is where it stands.

As for nominations, here it is:

President: no nominations as of yet

Vice-President: Tadandader (Nominated and Seconded by Lizard)

Secretary: No nominations as of yet.

Treasurer: No nominations as of yet.

Anyone else want in? Any other nominations? (O.K. I really think this qualifies me as having too much time. )

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“Thank you Undomiel,” Nimrodel took Undomiel’s place on the log and looked out over the gathered hunters. “Any nominations? Anyone who wants to join?” She flipped through a sheaf of papers. “I’d also like to welcome our newest hunters Elwen and FL5. Tinuvie has your welcome gift; lembas for the road, complementary drool cup, and use the chloroform sparingly. Oh, and I do I have a motion to make ‘Still the Prettiest… GO US!’ the official motto/battle cry?”

“Motion,” said Undomiel.

“Seconded,” said Tadan.

“All in favor?” asked Nim.

“Aye!” said all the hunters, including Legolas in the back.

“Can I join the club?” Tinuvie asked.

“Can I have Legolas back?” Mariana asked her. Tinuvie sulkily handed Legolas back to Mariana.

“You may notice he speaks a bit more about science though," she warned.

“No problem, I… why is he wearing glasses and which book is that he's carrying? Let me see, Legolas... Science for beginners. What have you done to him, Tinuvie!!??” Mariana looked horrified.

“Undomiel just came up with this lovely summary!” Lizard proclaimed. “I hereby officially nominate her for president of our time-wasting society. Oh, and I’m going to go untie Haldir and Elladan for our junior hunting camp. Our newest hunters can go catch them and learn the ropes.” She went over to Haldir and cut him free with, “Run free little elf!”

Unfortunately, the free little elf stopped to patronize the elf-hunter. "You know, the Lizard breathes so loudly... Well, actually, it's not the sound, it's the SMELL. Hello, tic-tac!"

“Why that little-! AFTER HIM! Grrrrr..”

“Alright,” Nim said. “Now for the purpose of this meeting... Lizard sit.” Lizard sat. “Good, now.  I thought some of you might be interested in this. These questions have been posed before, but in case you missed the answers... Here are the Legolas Files…”

“SOME of us aren’t Legolas fanciers!” Luitha called from the back.

“Hey hey! Look who’s out of the tent and away from her Ranger at last!” Tadan called to her. Luitha blushed and returned to her tent.

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The Legolas Files

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the unhealthy fascination with Orlando Bloom has generated an unbelievable number of inquiries about his erstwhile Elven character, Legolas. So here is a batch all at once to satisfy the Legolas-addicts in the crowd! Enjoy!

Qa: It is told that Thranduil fought in the Battle of Five Armies. Surely at that time Legolas was alive. Do you believe that he fought in this battle? If not, how did one so valiant gain his experience?

A: There is no reason to suppose that Legolas would not have fought with his people, but it would be only through backwards extrapolation that we could assume this, since I’m sure the character of Legolas never entered JRRT’s mind until he appeared in Rivendell halfway through Fellowship. Certainly not while writing Hobbit.

Qb: Just some questions about Legolas, a character I'd like to know more about. I’ve seen reference to him as a green elf, and also as a Sindarin, etc. What's the difference (excuse my ignorance)? What is his relationship to the other elf lords/ladies in LotR? What is the origin of his warrior skills? Why is he sent to the council in Rivendell to become part of the Fellowship?

A: "Sindar: The Grey-elves. The name was applied to all the Elves of Telerin origin whom the returning Noldor found in Beleriand, save for the Green-elves of Ossiriand." That’s quoted from Silmarillion. Basically, a Sindar was an Elf of the group that did not go to Valinor with the Noldor and the rest near the beginning of the world. Thranduil’s crowd in Mirkwood were a group of these, and never saw the Blessed Realm unless they chose to go there, as Legolas did after the events of Lord of the Rings. Since Ossiriand had ceased to exist by the time of LotR, I am sure references to Legolas as a "green elf" were just a passing name assigned to him, interchangeable with "wood elf," or an Elf of Mirkwood.

As for his relationships, well, the Elves in Middle-earth were essentially a large and rather far-flung kinship, and they held a higher place in the spiritual pecking order than Men. The origin of his warrior skills is undoubtedly training and experience. He is sent to the Council of Elrond because (and the movie leaves this out entirely–Legolas and Gimli just show up out of nowhere) Gollum was captured and held prisoner in Mirkwood, and Legolas, son of the king of the Elves of Mirkwood, has been sent to inform the Powers That Be that Gollum has escaped. He becomes a part of the Fellowship in order to represent his people, and presumably because he wants to go.

Qc: This is a question that I had just recently wondered about. Did anyone else love someone, save Samwise and Aragorn? Did Legolas ever find anyone for himself?

A: The last we see of Legolas, he is crossing over-Sea with Gimli to Valinor. Nothing is mentioned of his finding a wife.

Qd: How did Legolas and Aragorn meet? In the movie, they already knew each other.

(Luitha popped back out of her tent.)

A: Again, the movie leaves out the back story of so many of the characters that it is difficult to keep track. Aragorn tracked Gollum and caught him, and then took him to Mirkwood for safekeeping. It could be supposed that Aragorn and Legolas met at this time, but it could also be supposed that they knew each other previously. We are not told.

Qe: How come Legolas seems so ignorant? The Elves of Mirkwood could have visited Lórien or Fangorn anytime they wanted - it certainly would have been a much shorter journey than to the Havens (and we know that Elves regularly crossed Eriador to the Havens because both Bilbo and Frodo had met them in the Shire). But Legolas, who seems to have been at least hundreds if not thousands of years old, knew nothing about Lórien or Ents, except as a matter of legend. Similarly, Celeborn doesn't seem to have ever visited Fangorn even though it's closer than Rivendell. Can you explain how come no elves had visited between Mirkwood and Lórien for centuries, or how come there was no one in either Mirkwood or Lórien who had ever hung out with Ents back in the First Age when (according to Treebeard's own account) the Ents had wandered widely?

A: Until the events recounted in Lord of the Rings, Middle-earth was an astonishingly compartmentalized place. The Shire was largely ignorant of anything that passed outside its borders. Same with Bree. People, including Elves and Dwarves, kept in their own realms, and even when Elves or Dwarves were seen crossing the Shire, the Hobbits as a rule did not ask news of them. Yes, Elves regularly crossed the Shire to the Havens, but one presumes they were leaving Middle-earth and not returning, not just making a visit to the Havens and back. Thus a trip to Lothlórien or Fangorn would not have the same purpose as a trip to the Havens, and would not be as necessary. Not many of the Wise seemed to know what was passing in Gondor until Boromir brought them up to date, and Boromir had no idea where Rivendell lay, finding it only after a long and arduous journey. People (except Rangers) simply didn’t travel–it was dangerous. One Elf we are told of who DID visit Lothlórien, Celebrían, wife of Elrond, daughter of Galadriel, was shot by Orcs in the Misty Mountains and though she was healed of her wound, departed over-Sea. The Fellowship took with it news and legends that people stared in wonder to see were real (think of Rohan’s reaction to the Hobbits). Even the Elves did not go out of their way to visit one another, and remember that the Elves of Mirkwood were somewhat estranged from the other kindreds, being Grey-elves, or those who had never seen the light of Aman. As for the Ents wandering, Treebeard seems to imply that they’d done their wandering centuries ago and were now settled down to be the keepers of the trees in Fangorn. And even then, Lórien was a more closed-off place than any other Elven habitation in Middle-earth. The Ents would most likely never have gone there, although Treebeard speaks of Celeborn as somebody he is at least acquainted with.

Qf: Also about Legolas - I hate to think him stupid, since he's got all these great characteristics (he meets Galadriel's eyes when most can't, he's not afraid of the dead, he shoots down the winged Nazgûl) - but why on Middle-earth does he vote for Minas Tirith in the debate at Parth Galen? I've never understood why anyone in the Fellowship except Boromir would have thought there was any point in going so far out of their way when they had already agreed in Rivendell that their hope was in a small band moving secretly. Do you think Legolas and Gimli were influenced by the Ring here, and that it was them Frodo was referring to when he said "there are SOME I cannot trust?"

A: I think the answer to that conundrum actually lies with Gimli. He and Legolas were of like mind on this matter. Legolas ends his piece with:

‘I should vote for Minas Tirith.’
‘And so should I,’ said Gimli. ‘We, of course, were only sent to help the Bearer along the road, to go no further than we wished, and none of us is under any oath or command to seek Mount Doom... Yet I have come so far, and I say this: now we have reached the last choice, it is clear to me that I cannot leave Frodo. I would choose Minas Tirith, but if he does not, then I follow him.’
‘And I too will go with him,’ said Legolas. ‘It would be faithless now to say farewell.’
This is a little odd, since Gimli had advocated the Fellowship taking an oath, back in Rivendell. But it seems to me that Gimli and Legolas are simply being prudent. It is difficult to see how venturing alone into a truly dark land would be more advantageous than entrenching in a strong place with armed men. However things may have looked in academic exercise in Rivendell, it seems plain that they were both thinking of strong walls between the Company and Sauron, but their primary loyalty, in the end, was to Frodo. Unfortunately they never got the chance to show this (at least not to Frodo himself), but as so many things even in this world work out, where they ended up was where they were most needed–rescuing Merry and Pippin, killing Orcs at the Deep, and riding with Aragorn to summon the Dead.

Qg: As I understand it, getting from Middle-earth to the West was pretty tricky, involving the Havens and the Straight Road, and a number of other variables. How was Legolas able to build his own ship (especially as he was not a mariner or even really familiar with seamanship) and sail to the Undying Lands with Gimli?

A: He was an Elf. He had a right to eternal rest in Valinor, thus the way was open to him. Remember, with Elves, it is ‘product and vision in unflawed correspondence.’ If they could think it, by and large, they could make it. Thus the ship. Once he had the ship, he was able to find the straight way. As for Gimli, it is legend that the Lady Galadriel ‘obtained this grace for him.’

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The hunters clapped at the end of the presentation and Nimrodel took her log again. “Any further questions?”

“Could I nominate myself for the treasurer of our, erm, club?” Tinuviel asked. “I would shine all of our loot we have gathered around here.”

“Done!” Undomiel said, marking Tin’s name off on her list.

“All set?” Nim asked. “Meeting adjorned.”

--------------------
 

Lizard left Orli a moment and went to visit Legolas. She apparently did not mind brushing his beautiful hair for him. “Hmmm, will Legolas' current companion get mad and chase me away in a sec? Who has him now? Mariana? Hold on, almost done... 98... 99... 100! Ah, lovely!”

She gave Legolas a peck on the cheek. “I'm off to frolic with your double, my dear.” Not much later, she was indeed frolicking with Orli in the green woods, thinking life was wonderful when…

“ACK! What's going on?!?!?”

Haldir ran by with a sneer and picked up the suddenly bound Orli, who was struggling against the net that had dropped on his head.

"Mwoo-ha-ha! You spoil my fun, elf-hunter, and I'll spoil yours!"

"Oh drat! Revenge of the elven nerds," Lizard muttered.

"What?!?!?"

"Errrm, nothing." Lizard assumed a martial arts stance. "Unhand that gorgeous Brit! I'll fight you for him!"

Haldir promptly sucker punched her.

“Ooooo… dizzy…”

Haldir was gone when she woke up. So was Orli. “Darn it!” Lizard cried. “This release program is not going as I thought it would. Somebody catch that dumb elf and get my Orli back!”

“Haldir has Orli?” Lizard looked up to seen an unfamiliar face bending over her. “I’m silver elf paryndas 14,” she announced! “May I join the hunt?”

(“Can I have a turn with Legolas now?” Junipur asked. Mariana handed him over reluctantly.

“Treat him well, brush his hair 100 times an hour and keep him away from science books,” she advised.)

It wasn’t long before the hunters were giving Silver Elf and the other newbies the 411 on Elf Hunting.

“The best bait for hunting elves is strawberry scented bubble bath. Though it's sometimes different for each elf. For example, Elrond is a notorious purple fan,” Tinuviel told them.

“Don't get discouraged if you fail in your hunting the first few times. Those elves are tricky and the whole super-human strength and super-human senses gives them a TEENSY bit of an edge,” Lizard informs the newbies, passing out walkie-talkies. “Keep a hold of these, especially if you're going to be out alone. The Elf Liberation Front, or E.L.F., sometimes takes affront to our kidnapping of their kinsmen. Picky, picky.”

“Strawberry bubble bath? Sounds good. Shiny things. Hairclips? gotcha. Ohh, how bout a tranquilizer gun?” Silver Elf checked her list and ran off into the forest.

“When you get him, don't forget to interrogate him!! Ask him where he put Orlando!!” Mariana called after her.

“Where oh where has Haldir gone? Oh where oh where can he be?!” Silver Elf found a thicket of bushes, and formed a stakeout, then set out some hairclips and took a hand on her rope.

---------------------------------

Meanwhile, Lizard proceeded with her own trap.

VSDPEF- Lizard219
April 17

I tried to ride Bill the Pony, but he dumped me off to run after Frodo and Sam, who are heading back in the dratted strawberry bubble bath.

Hmmm... We've tried the little noose of rope with bait in the center, the pit covered with leaves... I'm running low on ideas. I'm just going to make a trail of strawberry-scented bath products leading to where I'm sitting, secure behind the bushes, waiting to spring out and catch me an elf!

Ok. I've laid the products out. So when Haldir comes, picking up one bath bead at a time, I'll be waiting. *squats behind a bush and whips out a magazine. closer examination reveals that Orlando Bloom's head is on everyone's body inside, somehow* Errr... I didn't do it, it was like this when I got it.

Cletus, the common sense cricket, came skipping out of Lizard’s ear to mock her with his stupidly accurate observations. "You need SERIOUS professional help. I mean, is that Orli's head on Nicole Kidman's body?"

"He looks just as good in peach!" Lizard told him defensively.

The cricket shook his head. "Nope, that's it. Your nuts, and crazy people don't have common sense. I quit." He crawled back into her head, packed a few things, and hit the road.

Sigh. No more common sense. I always felt it was something of a burden, but I guess I sorta needed it. *Hanging a VACANCY sign on the back of my head* This is gonna be SO uncomfortable until I find a replacement.

*Turning back to the magazine* Sigh.

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VSDPEF- silver elf paryndas 14
April 17, 7:25 p.m

Sitting here in the bush, and hears someone walking near my hideout. Quietly loads gun, jumps out and fires, and hits the tree, (told ya I’m a worthless shot), and notices it’s Lizard. "Whoops. sorry, my mistake." Maybe I'll try the dig-a-hole-and-cover-with-leaves-trick, and soak the twigs and leaves w/ strawberry bubble bath. I’ll just use this trap until I figure out a better one. Oh, and good luck Lizard, and anyone else!

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Back at camp….

Junipur emerged from her tent. “Who’s next?” she asked, looking at the PEFs waiting in line. “And no books for this elf, hairbrush is on the bed. I think I need a strawberry scented bath.”

Mariana ran desperately to get to Legolas before anyone else. “MINE! ALL MINE! I GOT HIM!… I'm really impressed at this elf! He's handling all of us and he hasn't taken a single break! Wow!” With a gleeful grin, she ducked into the tent.

“I have drool cups!” Cienanos called as she entered camp with a half dozen boxes in tow. “Freshly made, get ‘em here! Oh goodness....you guys have been really busy...and really high! No wonder you need so many cups!”

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Lizard heard a twig snap behind her and dove to the ground. “Ack! Ah! Help! I'm under attack! Repeat: I am under attack! Send reinforceme- Oh. Hi, silver elf. Errr, it's all right, but try to be more careful. Ugh. I got dirty. I'm throwing in the towel for now and heading back to camp.”

She picked up her bath products and headed back. As she walked by the first tent, she slipped suddenly and nearly lost her balance.

“Ewww. Elwen, you should really clean that up. I don’t need another concussion.And there's more leaking out of your ears.”

She went to knock on the tent flap to Legolas' domicile and heard Mariana giggle inside. “Oh drat! Where is Orli when I need him?!? Hey, I'm just gonna mark an X in front of this place to represent that I'm next in line. I haven't done any... Tae Bo... in a long time. I'm a feeling slightly... out of shape… The very stamina of that elf! Although, he doesn't seem to mind his current status as elven prisoner. I do believe he rather enjoys it.”

Mariana came out of the tent a while later with a happy smile on her face. “Wow, that was fab! Hey... what's this X here?” She thinks. And think. And thinks some more. “Oh, Lizard must have put it here to represent that she's next in line. OK, Lizard, have him. But give the guy a break, he's been working all day long! Yeah, 15 minutes will do for him.” She returned back to her own tent.

“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! “ Lizard went tearing into Legolas’ tent. “Aaaah! Hi, Leggy." Oops, I don't think he likes to be called that. He's pouting now. "Sorry, sorry. Here, have a bath bead. Don't worry, I'm going to give you down time. For now, you just sit there and look pretty while I reaffix my drool cup. Here, here's my handy dandy portable chess set, let's play!"

A little while later…

“Darn! He's good at this! I guess that's what comes of 2,900 and some years of experience.” The next move, Legolas won. “Drat it! You cheated. You lived too long!”

"Well, I never!" Legolas flicked his hair over should and pouted.

"Awww, I'm sorry. Here, want me to brush out your pretty hair?"

Legolas clapped his hands together. "Goody!"

“Hmmm... You'd think this would be a boring way to spend one's time, but I'm not minding it much...”

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“All right everyone!” Tinuviel stormed into the common fire-area waving a sheet of paper around. “It’s my first act as treasurer of the Too-Much-Time Club. Thought you guys would get a kick out of this...”

Top Ten Signs You're a LOTR Obsessed College Student -

10. You frequently write your name on tests in the angerthas.
9. When depositing your books in the library book drop, you start screaming as if your finger had been bitten off.
8. You speak to the squirrels in elvish.
7. You refuse to drink beer unless its served in a light up glass goblet.
6. While carrying a huge load of textbooks up 4 flights of stairs to your dorm room, you imagine that you're lugging a hobbit on your back, just to make yourself feel a bit better.
5. When you catch your roommate borrowing your stuff, you demand, "What has it got in its pocketsessssss?"
4. You sprawl yourself across the hallway, allowing none of your hall mates to get through, telling them that they, "SHALL NOT PASS!"
3. While drunk, you can recite Aragorn's entire family tree, and do it at just about every party.
2. "Do not meddle in the affairs of professors, for they are subtle and quick to flunk you."

And the number one sign you’re an LOTR obsessed college student:

When security comes knocking on your door in response to a strange smoke issuing from your room, you tell them it's pipe weed.

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Tadan came out from her tent and inspected the current status of the camp.

“What is this Lizard? I go away for a few hours and you’ve already lost Haldir and Orli?”

Lizard hung her head. “Sorry, Tadan. It's my fault. I wasn't terribly good at managing things, especially since my common sense quit. She pointed to the sign on the back of her head. “Do you know any good replacements? Is that Jimmney guy free, or is he still following the puppet kid around?”
 
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com