Chapter 13: Our Lizard, the Hero
 
 

VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day? Night? Whaaa?

Hmph. I'm determined to prove that I'm more than a fool of a Took- er- Lizard. I'm going to show them I can do something right.

Am still in Rivendell. Hid during the chaos in an empty barrel. None of the other elf-lovers noticed, they were so intent on fleeing. I'm going to find  Orlando and bring him back safely and prove once and for all that I'm a useful member of the elf hunters.

Night has fallen. A lot of the elves left for a while, trying to track the others back to camp.
 

Lizard crept silently behind barrels, then hurried to hide under a table where Haldir and some of his fellows were congregating.

"Legolas had considered giving us some inside information on the elf-hunters. If we can find him and convince him to give us these facts, he may be allowed to come and dwell in the protection of Rivendell."

"But he changed his mind, Haldir. He reneged on our deal and tried to save them. He has been heard to swear he will not leave them, not with so many hands to brush his hair and so many girls intent on seeing him properly submerged in bubble bath three times a day."

"It is true, but I believe we can undo whatever brain-washing they have wrought over him. What of the human?"

"He's still safely stowed at the top of one of our greatest buildings. We thought it best to keep him higher up, where rescue would be difficult."

"Very good. Go and find Legolas. He retreated with his feeble huntresses, but if we can catch him, we can turn him."

"I don't know, Haldir. They say the power of this 'Tae Bo' the elf hunters practice is not to be trifled with. Some have suggested that were we taught the Tae Bo, we would be similarly entangled in their web and unwilling to depart."

Haldir sniffed. "Unlikely, at best. Do as I've said. Go find Legolas. And send someone to relieve the watch on the Orlando human. He will not be allowed to escape."

A plan percolated through the crazy Lizard mind, fighting its way through the mess ("I'm too pretty for this shirt, too pretty for this shirt, so pretty it hurts- GO ME!") and emerging triumphant.

After they left, Lizard crawled out from under the table and hurried around to where she last saw Haldir disappearing. In her best attempt at Elvish, she said to him, (translated) "I'm the guard for the human, sir. Where is he being kept?" Shrugging, Haldir pointed. He did not expect one huntress to linger, and therefore didn’t bother with his dangerously accurate human-detecting tests.

"Hurry up, then," he sneered, waving her away dismissively. "The guards there will be retiring within the hour. I don't want that human left unguarded."

The limits of the Elvish Lizard could drag up from my memory had been found. She saluted him and hurried away, hoping he wouldn’t find her suspicious.

Walking quickly but with as much grace as any one human can muster, she nearly ran to the top of the building. However, was a complex layout within and she found herself incredibly lost. She stopped an elf who was passing by.

"Where are they keeping the human?" she inquired.

"Why aren't you speaking Elvish?" the elf asked suspiciously.

"Errr. Don't answer a question with a quesiton, man! I'm only practicing, as I've been asked to interrogate the human in the common tongue."

This other shrugged. "I'm going to guard him now. You may follow, if you wish, but before I can let you see him you must show some sort of authorization from Haldir. He's rather taken over in Elrond's absence."

"Lead on." Lizard trailed behind the elf a little, wondering what she was going to do next.

They arrived at a thick mahogany door. The elf started to turn, an inquiry on his lips, but Lizard quickly whipped out her elf-bashing stick and hit him over the head. Collapsing with a grunt, he passed out.

Lizard fumbled quickly for his keys. Oh crap Oh crap Oh crap Oh crap. There had to be a dozen keys on this ring! And- what was that? Someone sounded the alarm! How could they-Oh no! Lizard patted her pockets and in a panic realized she’d dropped her drool cup.

She tried each key desperately. “If I don't make it back out of here, the others are going to be SOOOOOOOOO irritated with me...”

The door clicked and swung open.  “YAY!!!!! Oops. Going to draw attention to myself if I keep doing the Snoopy dance for joy.” She pushed open the door. Orlando was sitting inside, looking forlorn and confused.

"Hey, I remember you," he said, looking relieved. "Will you PLEASE explain what is going on? This is either the weirdest dream I've ever had or the scariest reality in the history of realities."

"Er, I'll explain later. Right now, I think we ought to bust you out of here."

"All right, good call." He followed Lizard without question as she started to walk out of the door. The clamor of elvish voices met them in the hall.

"Crap! Get back in there!" She pushed Orli back inside and stooped quickly over the elven guard with the possible concussion. Casting about in her bag, she found a spare drool cup and affixed it to his face, then dumped him in the room with his face turned mostly away. Locking the door, she took up an alert stance, trying to look innocent.

"You there!" cried Haldir. "Who are you?"

"Er, the guard, Haldir. You sent me to watch the human. And it's a good thing, too, because an elf hunter crept up and tried to knock me out and free him. Luckily, I knocked HER out and dumped her inside." Lizard unlockd the door and allowed them a glimpse of the unconscious figure with the drool cup. "The silly imposter. I knew her by the red plastic cup, of course, and the dirt on her cheek."

Haldir looked at her for a long time, as if trying to pinpoint a subtle problem with her story. Then, shrugging, he departed. She waited until even the whisper of his cloak faded away and skeedadled back into where Orli was standing, looking even more confused.

"Why did you slam the door in my face?" he asked.

"Just come on, cutie, there will be time for questions later." Lizard closed and locked the door and they ran quietly down the halls, hiding at corners and peering around nervously.

Gosh, if this works...Don't jinx it, don't jinx it! I'm not going to think about it anymore!

Orli and Lizard were near the door that lead outside, and just as Lizard reached for the knob, it swung open. Haldir was framed there in all his glory, looking furious. "Hey! I know why that exchange bothered me. You were speaking Common!"

"Good for you!" She exclaimed, whacking him with her elf-whacking stick. "Run, Orli! Run like cheap panty hose!"

And they beat it out of there before the indignant, injured Haldir could summon back up.

Knowing they wouldn’t get very far, Lizard pointed to a tall tree and they shimmied up, finding a limb thick enough to sit upon comfortably that was shielded from view by a dense collection of pine needles.

It was good to be the rescuer!

----------------------

The next morning, Mariana emerged from her new tent in the new camp.

”Good morning everyone! Wow, I really like this new tent! How are you all? So, is everyone here? hmmm, let me see... WHERE'S MY HOT ELF?”

Mariana’s hot elf waves from another tent.

”Oh, OK... guess everybody is here! No, wait! Lizard isn't here! But she was with us in the prison, how come she's not here?” Mariana sighed. “Lizards.”

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VSDPEF- Nimrodel
Morning April 20

Decided to try out new PEF uniform last night at local pub. Was object of much curiosity.... Did not see anyone who looked like an elf, but many manly-men seemed interested in uniform. (must remeber to get Luitha and Chevy one.) Got suspicious after hearing unnaturally tall, pretty "manly-man" mumbling something that sounded like "dwarf, disguises, if they can do it so can we...." Started to think I should high-tail it back and warn other elf hunters of possible danger. (also excuse to visit Legolas and Orli...wait a minute....if it really IS Orli....uh oh.....) LIZARD!!!

--------------------

DWARF gathered together for another meeting.

“Nimrodel, better not wear the uniform around here, ELF will see it from miles away!” Mariana warned. “Now I’m getting worried about Lizard. Should we go after her or should we wait for her?”

Tinuviel walked out of her tent and stretched, looking around. Very calmly she said, "So guys, where's Lizard this time?"

"Lets go rescue Lizard, that is if everyone wants to go back to Rivendell," Kelsey suggested.

”We can go back to Rivendell, but you guys make up your plans.” Mariana snorted and threw up her hands. “My plans never work out! Anyway, Richard Taylor, Peter Owen and PJ are still around, if they can help. Right, guys? Richard?... Peter Owen?... PJ?”

”NOOOOOOOO, ELF must have got them too!” Tinuviel collapsed on a log.

“Now we have to rescue 4 guys and a Lizard!” Nimrodel sighed.

Mariana shook her head. “Men... and Lizards... won't they ever learn to take care of themselves!”

Legolas himself looked a little peeved. He interjected with "They took my Lizard...Charge!"

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Day?

Am sitting in a tree with Orli on the outskirts of Rivendell. ELF members passing below regularly. Can't get down. Am starting to need to use the little DWARVES room... AGONY! Oh, AGONY!

Orli is taking all this rather well. I think the idea of being up somewhere so high where he could break his pretty neck just does something to him. He was suggesting earlier that we try parasailing next. Shyeah, right. Let me tell you something, I get enough of a near-death experience just walking down the street sometimes, seeing as I'm never quite in the same world as everyone else. I don't NEED to dangle myself from some ridiculous contraption or throw myself out of a plane to come face to face with my own mortality.

So I'm bored, doing a little fidgety full-bladder dance, and wondering where I dropped my walkie talkie. I tried to hint I might feel a little better
about being treed like this if Orli took off his shirt, but he didn't get it. Stupid Orli. No, I can't say that. He's just too hot.

Am wiggling around to find a more comfortable position... OH!!!!!!!!!! *muffling agonized cry* I - just- got- a- splinter... Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!

These missions are never as glamourous as they try to tell you, let me just say that. Sigh.

--------------------

The hunters, now on a Lizard hunting mission, crept up to Rivendell, hoping they wouldn’t actually have to go INSIDE to rescue their hapless PEF friend.

"Lizard? LIZARD? Where are you?" a hunter occasionally called out quietly.

"Up here!" said Lizard in a loud whisper. “Orli’s with me! Get me out of here! I have to pee!” she wailed.

Kelsey threw a rope up to her and Lizard was about to climb down when…

”Wait... Do you hear that? Oh crap. There's a huge patrol of ELF elves headed this way! Hurry, hide!” Lizard climbed back into the tree with Orli, and the PEF’s shimmied up the tree to hide with her.

”Umm... oops. Did anyone grab the rope?” Nimrodel asked.

“Hey, it’s a little crammed up here,” Undomiel commented.

“Mariana! Get your elbow out of my face!” Lizard hissed.

“That’s not my elbow! That’s Legolas!” Mariana shot back.

“Ohhh!” Lizard squeeled.

“Hey! What about me?” Orli asked.

“Lizard! If you give me another purple cheek…” Tinuviel threatened.

”Ssshhhh Silence people!” Mariana hissed. “There is Haldir, look here in my binoculars.”

“Quick! Everyone into the river!” Kelsey yelled. “JUMP!”

The hunters jumped right into the river.

"I look like a drowned rat.” Silver Elf complained.

”Ouch! That hurt...Uh-oh... THEY ARE COMING!” Mariana shrieked.

“YIKES!” Lizard grabbed Orli’s wrist (Didn't take much to make HIM jump. He was like, "Ooo, could this potentially maim me? I'll have a go!") “RUN!”

The hunters pelted along downstream.

”Somebody- PANT PANT- get- PANT PANT- Elrond! I still have a splinter- PANT- and a need to use the outhouse! PANT! I can't keep running like this.” The Lizard was fading.

“There’d better not be a waterfall ahead!” Tinuviel shouted.

“Don’t talk to me about waterfalls!!” Lizard screamed, trying to cross her legs and run at the same time.

“Good thing the river’s only trickling, not roaring like usual!” Undomiel shouted at Tinuviel! “Hey! Hey LIZARD! I was kidding!”

“There is a waterfall!” Mariana screaming, coming to a halt and pointing ahead of them in horror.

Lizard grabbed Orli’s arm. “NO, ORLI! You CANNOT go over the waterfall in a barrel.”
 
“Can I help?” Elrond stood on the bank of the river as the hunters comtemplated facing the waterfall ahead of them or the elves behind them.

“Elrond!” The hunters cried happily.

“Hey! Where’s Tadan?” Undomiel asked.

“Where’s Luitha?’ Nimrodel asked.

“Silly elves and half-elves, still asleep in their tents.” Mariana sighed.

”Were we rescuing PJ and the make-up guys, too?” As usual, Lizard’s mind went in another direction. The hunters stared at her. She sighed. “I get so lost sometimes. It's the blonde thing. Plus, I lost Cletus again. How I miss my common sense sometimes. It almost makes it sound like a good idea to go over the falls in a barrel…NO, Orli, I'm NOT accepting the idea... GET BACK HERE!”

Lizard tackled Orlando and they landed a few feet away from the top of the waterfall.

“Ooo, that was kinda fun.” Lizard grinned. “Hey! Where’d Elrond come from?”

“Aw Lizard, ELF DOES have PJ, Peter O, and Richard Taylor. We have to go back and rescue them too. Does this never end?” Mariana sighed in exasperation.

Elrond walked over to the ELF members and talked quietly with them. They left grudgingly, and Elrond helped the hunters one by one out of the river.

”Jolly good show, Elrond!” Lizard called, still restraining Orli from trying to turn this chase into an extreme sport. “We'll have to find some safe place to hide out and plan our return for PJ and co. later. Otherwise, no TTT movie!”

”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Every single hunter screamed at the very thought.
 
 
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com